Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Stepping out of contact arrangements

31 replies

PookieDo · 24/09/2019 17:21

Sorry bear with me I will try to summarise

Firstly there is NO court order or any arrangement I have to adhere to

2 DC with ex, they are 17 and 15. He has a small child now with his partner and we get on ok I suppose but there is an underlying tension (probably from my side). We have been split for 12 years and I am single. My choice, but I have DD15 every single night of the week for 2 years so dating isn’t very appealing. We live about a 20 mile round trip from one another

A lot is expected of me to do the dogs body slog of ALL elements of the real parenting, and he gets 24 hours with DD17 once a week where they play Lego with toddler or go to a farm. I do all parents evenings, homework and revision help, buy all their clothes, take them where they need to go, doctors, dentist everything. He feeds DD17 1 hot meal a week, washes no clothes buys nothing.

15yo chose 2 years ago to stop visiting, and won’t sleep over. She visits him on special occasions or when they are going out somewhere specific. Their relationship really deteriorated and he didn’t step up and do much to fix it.

I stay out of most of the contact arrangements now they have phones, they can all text each other.

But I am 12 years down the line of this contact and I want to end my part completely now. I feel like my time is over. I have done what’s best for the DC and their father relationship but it’s over now.

I do not want to have to pick up DD17 every single weekend before dinner time, rush home and cook. He moans if I go out and can’t collect her. I don’t want to split Christmas anymore, rushing DC back and forth. He moans when I want to change plans.

This has ruled my life for so long and I want it to end. DD15 is ok with this, she’s happy about it

I am going to tell him that this year is the last year he will have a split christmas. The DC can decide what they are doing but I am doing my own thing now. I also want to tell him I am not collecting the DC from contact anymore either, but I am worried this will just make them stressed? Will this have a bad impact on them? I feel like I have no freedom!

OP posts:
Everytimeref · 24/09/2019 17:28

Can your 17 year old get home on their own?

Original poster
PookieDo · 24/09/2019 17:32

Yes by bus but she won’t. She can’t drive yet
They are all so used to me doing all of the running around, and I don’t know how to make anything change without a backlash

OP posts:
littleduckeggblue · 24/09/2019 17:41

At 17 I would class her as an adult so she can decide if she is going to visit her Dad and when. I think that's a conversation you need to have with your child rather than your ex. Maybe mention to ex that seen as child is 17 you are not going to run round after her and if she wants to spend time with you then she will have to arrange it with yourself

RandomMess · 24/09/2019 17:42

She can get the bus or he can drop her home, up to them.

Not sure how you got shafted with the driving over the NRP in the first place!

itsbetterthanabox · 24/09/2019 17:44

Well he needs to drop her or she gets the bus. You aren't stopping anyone seeing eachother at all.
You don't need to even discuss this with him at 17 it's up to her to sort out.
Don't get into debate with him just say its up to her.

lunar1 · 24/09/2019 17:45

I agree with the other posters, they can get on without you now for contact. I can't believe you have ended up doing all the running around for this long.

HRMumness · 25/09/2019 10:51

Speak to your 17 year old. She is almost an adult and it should really be on her to organise things. Well done for getting through all that parenting though (I see my future!)

AMAM8916 · 25/09/2019 12:20

Quite within your rights here OP. Why should you keep having your weekends planned around a pick up and drop off and your Christmas day dictated by having to drive your 17 year old over there or whatever?

17 years old is old enough to get a bus 10 miles for the weekends and on Christmas day, her dad can collect her or pay for a taxi.

Just say you aren't doing it anymore

yearinyearout · 26/09/2019 11:55

I can't believe you've been doing this for so long! Christmas is a good time to draw a line under it and step to one side, you can give them a couple of months notice and they have time to rethink the logistics. Maybe he should pay for her to learn to drive and finance a car since you've done everything so far!

Original poster
PookieDo · 26/09/2019 12:03

Thanks all

He is absolutely not going to help much with driving. He has booked one lesson for her with an instructor who won’t even come out to my house, you know, where she lives Hmm and he honestly did not think for a second that to drive with that instructor I will have to bring her to his house, wait an hour for the lesson then drive her home again. He won’t commit to me how many lessons he will pay for, so now I need to find a new instructor anyway who will pick and drop from where we live. He won’t buy her a car either.

Problem is a lot of his stingy bad ways have rubbed off on DD who can be very entitled, demanding and difficult. I would have to pay for all the buses, get her bus times etc etc there would be drama. They both just seem to think I am the household help at their disposal and he never backs me up or helps me. If I lay down the law about picking up from contact he will encourage her to bitch at me about it Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
PookieDo · 26/09/2019 12:05

@RandomMess

This is a long running thing
He ripped me off £20,000 when we split, made me homeless and has been trying to punish and belittle me via the DC for a long time
I did the driving for the DC sake.
I’ve had enough now, living with DD1 is really hard work as it is, but she isn’t welcome to live with him so that’s not even an option

OP posts:
Windydaysuponus · 26/09/2019 12:11

Fuck that.
Your dd is lazy and entitled.
My dc lived 30 miles between both houses for a few years. Bus or lift if it was convenient. Ex never gave lifts. Dc survived using train /bus.
Ft with me now due to exh's lack of any parenting..
They don't hate me for refusing to be a personal Uber.

RandomMess · 26/09/2019 14:34

I guess it's time to put down the boundaries with DD1 and ignore the bullshit she comes out with. If he won't pay the fares then she has to. Time for her to get a job?

At 17 if she can't work out the time table on her own or ask nicely for your help then that is her problem- and yes I have teens!!

justchecking1 · 26/09/2019 15:29

Just don't.

Give them a weeks notice if you want to be fair that you are no longer available for transport and that they need to make arrangements between themselves to get DD there and back. This can be by public transport or dad can provide lifts. Make it clear you won't be financing this.

Then stick to it

Weenurse · 27/09/2019 05:40

Give everyone the heads up that from Jan 1 this is how it will be.
DD1 needs to get a job and grow up.
Set up your rules and stick to them.

Soontobe60 · 27/09/2019 05:57

OP, the way your dc are with you is down to you I'm afraid. You've allowed this to continue and now you've had enough. It's not your exs fault that you've allowed them to walk all over you.
BTW, my children shared the cost of driving lessons with us, they arranged their instructors themselves and sorted out the lesson times, usually as pick ups from college. They also bought their own cars.
As far as Christmas is concerned, you should discuss this with your dc and see what they want to do. Explain your concerns too, so that any decision is based on what is best for everyone. Does your 15 yr old not see her DF because he doesn't let her walk all over him? She has a sibling living with him. Why does she not want to see them?

RandomMess · 27/09/2019 07:13

This is going to be the last Christmas, stuff that tell him and the DC I am doing x over Christmas, if you and Dad want to see each other you need to sort it with him.

Just block Ex do you don't receive his moaning 🤷🏽‍♀️

Original poster
PookieDo · 27/09/2019 07:18

@Soontobe60

I do struggle with this

‘It’s all my fault’ is really really hard to choke down, seen as I am doing the job of both parents for 2 DC whilst I work full time to support them. This has made me cry. I don’t know what more I could have done, if this is failure

It is a long story but DD1 has behavioural issues and is very immature. Ex seems to have a strong influence over her - he’s taught her I am pretty useless, as a distraction for how useless he is

DD2 hates him as he is nasty and manipulative

OP posts:
Original poster
PookieDo · 27/09/2019 07:21

I was only 19 when I met him and my childhood was shit. It took me a few years to wake up to that he was also shitty and controlling

I’m strict, I have rules in my house. I stick to them. But this can mean it’s a war zone with DD1 constantly fighting me

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/09/2019 07:38

You just need to weather the storm with DD1 - "I have done the lifts for 12 years, it's your Dads turn" rinse and repeat.

yearinyearout · 27/09/2019 09:42

You need to stick to your guns with this. You've done a great job being primary parent for so long, you are not a failure. But it's time now to get your life back and start thinking about and taking care of yourself. I would definitely try and speak to them both together if you can, and make it very clear that they have to make their own arrangements from now on.

Weenurse · 28/09/2019 00:49

What @ RandomMess said

DonKeyshot · 28/09/2019 04:42

I am going to tell him that this year is the last year he will have a split christmas

Christmas is pantomime time so, altogether now, O NO YOU'RE NOT!! You're going to tell him that Christmas is NOT going to be split this year unless he does the collecting and returning of dd17.

After all the strain you've gone through, I have a feeling that your aching back is giving you a bit of gyp and it could be that a disc or two is in danger of slipping. Unfortunately, this will mean that any driving you undertake has to be confined to very short distances and if dd17 wants to visit her df, he'll have to do the ferrying or pay the ferry bus driver.

No pain, no gain. You're going to have go through the pain of dd17's strops in order to gain your freedom once and for all. Give it a few weeks for the new routine to embed itself and I suspect there'll be a lot less stropping over this particular issue.

There's still almost 3 months to the 25th Dec but it makes sense to begin a new regime now as no-one can accuse you of springing it on them at the last moment.

Original poster
PookieDo · 02/10/2019 09:26

Ok well things have gone badly at home

He gave DD a small amount of money for 2 driving lessons, and I gave 5 x as much. She has now returned all my money to me refusing to accept it because she says I have been ‘nasty’. This means it will take even longer for her to be driving so she is not just cutting her nose off but mine too Angry

I had serious words with both DD’s last night about their behaviour - they won’t get any public transport, won’t walk to the corner shop, either ‘forget’ to do any jobs in the house or say no. I am so so sick of being treated like a bloody slave. Me standing up for myself apparently is ‘nasty’ and I am horrible so neither are talking to me. I can’t make any points about anything ever. I brought up DD’s dad saying she could ask him for lifts and stop asking me all the time, she says this is me ‘trying to turn her against him’ (because I know perfectly well he won’t help) so apparently this is me being mean and nasty because I am pointing out on purpose how useless he is to make my point. Probably is an element of that but when does this end? I am never allowed to make any comments about him at all, even when he treats them badly as it is me bad mouthing them. She’s gone and spent £40 on him for his birthday, she doesn’t have this money to spare and was getting upset about having less money for lessons and I said surely he wouldn’t want her to not have lessons, just so he got a present?

I am going round in a circle I am trapped in

OP posts:
Windydaysuponus · 02/10/2019 10:05

I would be packing their stuff tbh.
You aren't obligated to accept their treatment of you.