Stepping out of contact arrangements

[PookieDo]

Sorry bear with me I will try to summarise

Firstly there is NO court order or any arrangement I have to adhere to

2 DC with ex, they are 17 and 15. He has a small child now with his partner and we get on ok I suppose but there is an underlying tension (probably from my side). We have been split for 12 years and I am single. My choice, but I have DD15 every single night of the week for 2 years so dating isn’t very appealing. We live about a 20 mile round trip from one another

A lot is expected of me to do the dogs body slog of ALL elements of the real parenting, and he gets 24 hours with DD17 once a week where they play Lego with toddler or go to a farm. I do all parents evenings, homework and revision help, buy all their clothes, take them where they need to go, doctors, dentist everything. He feeds DD17 1 hot meal a week, washes no clothes buys nothing.

15yo chose 2 years ago to stop visiting, and won’t sleep over. She visits him on special occasions or when they are going out somewhere specific. Their relationship really deteriorated and he didn’t step up and do much to fix it.

I stay out of most of the contact arrangements now they have phones, they can all text each other.

But I am 12 years down the line of this contact and I want to end my part completely now. I feel like my time is over. I have done what’s best for the DC and their father relationship but it’s over now.

I do not want to have to pick up DD17 every single weekend before dinner time, rush home and cook. He moans if I go out and can’t collect her. I don’t want to split Christmas anymore, rushing DC back and forth. He moans when I want to change plans.

This has ruled my life for so long and I want it to end. DD15 is ok with this, she’s happy about it

I am going to tell him that this year is the last year he will have a split christmas. The DC can decide what they are doing but I am doing my own thing now. I also want to tell him I am not collecting the DC from contact anymore either, but I am worried this will just make them stressed? Will this have a bad impact on them? I feel like I have no freedom!

Quite simply, you're now saying that getting to and from her dad's is their responsibility. That's perfectly reasonable. She's trying to make it your problem because then she doesn't have to engage. It's something we all do, to a greater or lesser extent, because we fail to see who's problem it is and expect others to fix our problems for us, particularly when we feel emotionally connected to the issue.

Robin Ticic wrote a book that looks deceptively simple but is very helpful in helping to see problems that we see as joint rarely are. So, if you're trying to get your daughter to tidy her room because you can't stand the mess, you're trying to get her to change her behaviour to fix your problem. It means you're reliant on a change in her to feel okay and you give away any power you have to resolve the issue. www.amazon.co.uk/How-Connect-Your-Child-speak-ebook/dp/B075CQLQ31/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?s=gateway&keywords=robin+ticic&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1570008326&sr=8-3#immersive-view_1570008397618

Once you recognise that you're doing this, you can reclaim the issue and look at what you need to do to resolve it. You've made contact with their dad your issue because you want the best for your daughters. But it's not your problem and never was. You can't make his relationship with them better because you facilitate it.

You need to go grey rock with their comments. They are being rude and nasty and you do not have to put up with it.

You have been a frog in a boiling pot I suspect, not realised how awful their attitude towards you is. It is absolutely fine and good to withdraw your goodwill services.

KOKO

They are so rude. I am trying not to waste too much energy by fuming so much and being a Martyr over it

They are clever girls to be honest, which is why they are able to tie me in knots when I raise an issue, turning it around so they do not have to acknowledge any of their own faults

Problem is it is usually the ‘last straw’ that often means I have reached my limit then I am cross. I try to raise things nicely and they are ignored, so by the time I am raging but I am still trying to be rational

DD2 was asked to do 2 things yesterday, and didn’t do them. I am sick of asking and asking and asking

Withdraw your goodwill!

Beyond providing them with food and school supplies step back! They can cook, wash clothes etc themselves... no lifts.

Just stay calm and don't engage, don't ask them to do stuff.

If dirty clothes aren't in the basket they don't get washed, if they have left dirty crockery around then you don't cook for them/give out pocket money.

Ignore then raging about it.

"I am not your servant and whilst your behaviour towards me is unacceptable I will not be doing you favours".

OP, you have a lot of leverage here. They have taken you for granted, so simply withdraw your services.

Slaves don't have a choice. You do.

They will moan
They will kick back (but it sounds like that happens anyway?).
They will accuse you of being nasty.

But one of two things will happen.
1)They step up (so you don't have to do it)
Or
2) It stays undone (so you don't do it).

Decide on the bare minimum YOU need to do in order to keep a functional home. If they want extra (e.g. clean clothes), they can show consideration or start up the washing machine.

If nothing else, your eldest needs to become more self-sufficient anyway. She becomes an adult in a year's time and will be expected to handle college, university or work. So getting the tantrums out of the way now will be helpful to you in the future.

I think I have sorted it out with DD2, she gets very defensive and upset very fast but she is more reasonable.

I said ‘ok how would you feel if you had a friend who you did a lot for all the time, because you really wanted to and liked them a lot, but they never helped you with anything you needed, ignored you when they felt like it and were rude to you? Would you want to be their friend anymore?‘ She agreed no. So I said in a family it needs to work both ways sometimes in a team and that is what I am saying

That if you run out of loo roll would you just sit on the toilet till I got home or would you go out and buy some bloody toilet roll? Because it seems to me you would sit and wait. You are 15 now!

DD2 does not like DD1 very much unfortunately

The issue can be DD1. She is very reactive and creates conflict, often where there is none.

She is offended that I said to DD2 ‘all the things you don’t like DD1 doing to you, you are doing right now to me’ ie talking over the top of me, not listening