Gaslighting continues...any advice?

[accessorizequeen]

Hi, I separated from my partner 20 months ago. We were together 19 years. We have four children together (15/12/10/10). It wasn't until after we separated that I started to realise what the relationship had been like and became aware of the gaslighting behaviour he used.

Eg any complaints about him turned into my fault, minimised my distress, lied about things so I would doubt myself, sulked for days and wouldn't speak to me.

He's continued to try and control me in subtle ways and whenever I was assertive he got quite nasty so I blocked him on my phones in December. Which made things better but he continues by email and as we still haven't agreed a financial settlement I now speak to him about that through a lawyer. He's so reasonable sounding and looking that I still find it hard to accept he's doing this. Despite 9 months of counselling.

I think he's now doing this behaviour to at least two of my kids. Subtle indications from them and my 12yo is pretty switched on. More than I was!

How do I combat the insidious lies and mis truths and "suggestions", the no apology apologies etc? He broke me last week when our dd 10 was in hospital with a series of emails.

What sort of gaslighting and lies?

can you set up one email address and block him on all other methods of communication, and only answer that once a week?

He outright lies about some things eg last week he claimed that I had pushed for meds for my daughter and requested a mental health referral at the hospital. I didn't. He claimed that's what the registrar has told him - she hasn't. He spent an entire day having a go at me about not taking he kids to him for the weekend. He has agreed previously for all of the access he has to pick them up and drop them off. He's done that EVERY time yet rewrote it so it was MY fault he didn't see the kids that weekend because I wouldn't drive them to him. That's when I blocked him everywhere.

I can't just respond once a week, I have four kids with him and there are things that come up.

You need to nip this in the bud. I've been in exactly the same situation for over 8 years until I decided to block all context from my ex a few weeks ago. He would continually bombard me with emails and texts under the pretence of making arrangements to see his daughter but he was still trying to control and undermine me. She's 16 now and makes her own arrangements to see him (if she wants to, but that's another story). Could your eldest at 15 not do this? If not you need to be absolutely clear with him that the only emails or texts you will respond to are ones which directly concern his access to the kids. Anything else will be unread and deleted. And DO IT! He is sending this stuff to trigger a reaction and whilst he's getting one, he will carry on doing it.

It is all about his kids. I don't respond to anything else now since I got a lawyer and it's easier as the house was sold in April. He gets at me constantly through the kids. And occasionally one of them will ask me to step in or intervene with him and I know I will get grief but for the younger ones I will do it.

The rest of the time it's negotiation about when he will have them (eg half term, Christmas), changes to the routine, parent evenings, clothing, school applications is likely to be the next big thing as three of our children will start new schools next Sept as they start secondary/6th form. Three of my kids have Aspergers and there are various things related to that and our daughter (who doesn't have a diagnosis) has also been ill/anxious. That sparked a RAFT of emails as she refused to see him yet I had to tell him what was happening in hospital.

He sends these hugely long critical emails with a couple of questions that I have to answer. I firmly replied yesterday answering the questioners, ignored the rest but made it clear I thought his email was negative critical and nasty. I didn't want to but my mum persuaded me.

I feel tied in knots.

Yep he sounds the same as my ex. He used to turn everything into a negotiation. Are you sure we weren't married to the same man?! It shouldn't be this difficult. Don't allow him to zap your time in this way. Just answer bare minimum. He's still trying to be a part of your life by attempting to control you like this - take the control away from him.

It's been 8 years before you've been able to do this with your ex- it's not as simple when there are multiple younger children AND with additional needs. I can't just keep him to discussion about access only. He's gets to have a say and needs info about other issues to do with them eg medical appointments. Three of my kids have now been referred to CAHMS. It's really hard to do the thing I have to legally do and stop him from trying to control me.

I'm sorry but you're asking for advice and I'm trying to give it. I've been there and I should have done what I did years ago regardless of my daughter's age. There are ways of communicating without allowing him to control and insult you. I don't know what else you want people to say.

I appreciate the sentiment honestly, but I have actually done all of the things you've suggested and he's still doing it to me.

I have blocked him on all but email some months back, ignore anything that's not relevant, reply briefly if I have to at all and ask my 15yo to organise things with his dad if there's any extra time he's spending there. Maybe I'm just stuck with this but I hope not.

So I think you just continue doing what you're doing and don't let him trigger you or react to any of his comments. Believe me, I know it's not easy. But if he's not getting a reaction he'll soon get bored.

He triggered a huge panic attack this week because I thought he was going to go for full custody of my daughter. The dread trickling down my spine made me feel sick. I thought I was able to handle it better but last week he broke me. I guess I will just have to keep trying and either don't respond or only respond when I'm calmed down so he doesn't know he's got to me. Thank you.

Again, he probably did that just to wind you up. Why would he want full custody of only one of his kids? And what makes you think he'd win?

When I split from my ex, my daughter was 7 at the time and I thought she'd always adore him and never see him for what he is. I was wrong - she's worked it out for herself and is at the point where she doesn't want to see him any more. I haven't said anything to turn her against him, he's done all of that himself. Your kids will probably come to the same realisation one day.

Good luck.

Thank you. My 12yo sees his narcissism and selfishness and calls him out on it. Good for him. But I think it's sad that he won't want to see his dad after a while - that is a loss to him because his dad won't step up and grow up.

Have you a friend or family that would read the emails and only forward on the actual reasonable questions that need answering, plus tell him you will on read emails once per week on x days so any issues that fall in between will just have to be dealt with the parent that has them at the time?

You do know that he has a mental health problem and most likely is on the spectrum.
Once you can see this I really wouldn’t be so sucked into his crap his behaviours tell you he is really tripping,
You really have to ignore and not engage most of his issues are to get some reaction from you,this he does enjoy doing .
Ignore leave his requests deal with only the real issues.
For your sanity

I realised he was on the spectrum a while back but not sure narcissism counts as a mental health problem? He doesn't seem rational or reasonable a lot of the time but couches it all in rational and reasonable language. I am trying so hard to look at the behaviour and not the words.

I think saying I will read emails on certain days is a good idea. And I'm going to tell him the access for half term and Christmas rather than ask him. Every time I ask him he takes an age to respond and then negotiates.

@accessorizequeen I'm still convinced we were married to the same man! And don't get me started on Christmas. I started letting my daughter decide what she wanted to do at Christmas a couple of years back - her choice, and it saved a whole load of hassle. But bloody hell the negotiations used to start around the end of August!

I would tell him:

"I have discussed with the DC their plans and wishes for half term and Christmas, they are available to stay at yours from x to y."

Chat to the DC about options first and make his only option to have them the maximum of what you've offered or not. It is then framed as what the DC want and at their ages their wants and needs should be considered.

Same with school choices, DC would like to rank their choices as .... I support their wishes because of a b c.

Put it all down in writing so every time he tries to argue etc you have already set the ground work evidence to fight him in court if need be.

I'd get a 3rd party (family member or friend) to be an intermediary and let them only pass on what is relevant to you? Someone who won't take any of his crap or get ground down by him?

And let hospitals/Doctors/school send the same letter to both of you so you're not having to communicate that way.

Haha I wasn't married to him lol. (Thank god)

I think I put on my family too often to ask that really. But I will think about how I can separate his email from the rest of my life and definitely be more decisive in the language I use for Christmas etc. just knowing that he's trying to control me helps me realise some of the stuff he sends me is manipulative. Thanks, all

Yep I'm in the same hell. My narc ex harasses me via email multiple times a day, critices my parenting, tells me what the kids can and can't do in my parenting time, refuses to agree on ANYTHING - literally an email about a dentist appointment can turn into world war 3. I feel physically ill when I see a new email ping into my inbox and am now having EMDR therapy to lessen the blow.

I have now blocked him on text and email and only his wife (3rd) is allowed to contact me from her work email address on kids matters. All this is going to be aired in court soon as he is taking me back there for a 2nd time but this time rather than be scared of this process I am going to use it to lock all this nonsense down.

Bloody hell how are there so many completely mental men out there? I totally recognise that sick feeling seeing an email ping into your inbox from the ex. Honestly it's so freeing blocking contact with them. My ex is now only allowed to contact me in case of emergency via my husband - he wouldn't dare give him any shit! I should have done this years ago but it's only when your kids get older that you find the strength to do it.

To combat lies communicate only by email and create a paper trail.

Liars cannot hide behind paper trails. As it is there in black and white.

Day to day text or call. But any important issues your response should be "put it in an email"

If any dispute arises then you have proof in writing available for a sheriff to read

It is so depressing to read these stories over and over. I start to think how do I allow this, why are my boundaries so rubbish that he can do this to me? Blaming myself instead of the one who should be blamed. Does anyone else find it hard to get angry - I usually just get upset and overwhelmed. Nearly two years later, I still screenshot bits and send to my sisters to check if I'm ok to be upset by what he's written. He plagued me before Christmas about taking the kids to HIS engagement party. I said no (why the hell would I want to do that?) and he just didn't stop nagging me to take them, they would miss out and it would be MY fault.

It seems as though I'm not the only one to still be affected - it's not possible to just turn off our reactions. ☹️

Why the hell couldn't he take them if he wanted them to be there? How is it your fault?

I feel really strongly about this at the moment as having gone no contact with my ex I'm coaching my daughter through how to deal with him as he's trying to control her in the same way. I'm really proud that she's handling him well, with my help of course. She's now told him that she'll see him when it's convenient to her, and he's totally on the backfoot. He can't believe she's standing up to him.

Be aware that your kids may end up having to do the same, and everything you do in the way that you handle him sets an example to them. Don't let him upset you - be angry and use that anger to remove the power from him. My best friend told me the same thing for years before I finally did it.

I'm trying not to let him upset me but I'm not in a great place right now. It's not easy. I've spent a lot of the last week just sobbing as I'm not coping. But I have to.

It wasn't my fault about the engagement party. He was being completely ridiculous and unreasonable. It took my sister pointing that out for me to see it though.

One of the reasons I finally started standing up to him was so they could see me doing the right thing - pushing back. And I am trying to learn more about gaslighting so I can help my kids fight it. Talking to my daughter about what a proper apology is like for example - because HE does the politician's version.