Gaslighting continues...any advice?

[accessorizequeen]

Hi, I separated from my partner 20 months ago. We were together 19 years. We have four children together (15/12/10/10). It wasn't until after we separated that I started to realise what the relationship had been like and became aware of the gaslighting behaviour he used.

Eg any complaints about him turned into my fault, minimised my distress, lied about things so I would doubt myself, sulked for days and wouldn't speak to me.

He's continued to try and control me in subtle ways and whenever I was assertive he got quite nasty so I blocked him on my phones in December. Which made things better but he continues by email and as we still haven't agreed a financial settlement I now speak to him about that through a lawyer. He's so reasonable sounding and looking that I still find it hard to accept he's doing this. Despite 9 months of counselling.

I think he's now doing this behaviour to at least two of my kids. Subtle indications from them and my 12yo is pretty switched on. More than I was!

How do I combat the insidious lies and mis truths and "suggestions", the no apology apologies etc? He broke me last week when our dd 10 was in hospital with a series of emails.

Gosh @accessorizequeen I’m so sorry to read your thread.

Obviously I suspect your H has Asperger too which I think you suspect as well. Can you get some counselling & support? You are dealing with so much. Autism UK might be able to help?

I guess the question is, is is traditional gas lighting or just his neurodiversity as he is likely to be totally inflexible. My ex has all the traits too, and I get the long messages & emails detailing all my faults all the time too!

Best of luck - added these links below in case they are helpful to your understanding of how you feel

karinfriedemann.blogspot.com/2009/12/aspergers-syndrome-wives-need.html?m=1

www.theneurotypical.com/otrs-the-burden-on-nt-spouses-and-partners.html

Thank you @Moffa. You have a point. I understand that he's inflexible as I have three kids who are inflexible too. One of them is similar to his dad - he won't apologise, minimises his behaviour and tries to blame others. But I think a neurodiverse child can learn not to do this - my ex doesn't acknowledge he may be on the spectrum much less that his behaviour is horrible. He will write on email saying very nasty things and then the next is 'ok will pick up x at 4.15 cheers'. He's gone beyond what I would consider neurodiverse traits. I've been clear that he's lying and he's being hurtful and he just ignores me.

I will check out those links, thank you

@accessorizequeen I think my ex husband ( currently divorcing him) is a similar character.

I ended up having a mental health assessment, and long story short I was referred to the Domestic Abuse Team & got psychotherapy. And I am also doing the Freedom Programme at the moment (I’m 3 weeks in to a 10 week course where we meet for 2 hours a week). It’s really opened my eyes to my ex’s behaviour. I always put it down to suspected (undiagnosed) Aspergers but now I realise his behaviour was just abusive (which I now realise would be totally unrelated to being on the Autistic Spectrum, but I think I tried to rationalise it to myself that way).

I would HIGHLY recommend you doing the Freedom Programme and also reading the Lundy Bancroft book ‘why does he do that?’ Which might help explain certain behaviours. I’m also reading Operation Lighthouse.

I feel like I’m very slowly processing the 8 years of continuous Domestic Abuse & gradually dealing with the fear I still feel whenever he sends me a text or an email.

Keep going

Sorry for not replying earlier @Moffa. I'm really glad you're getting support and working through the aftermath of living with abuse. I'm realising that it impacts in ways we don't even know for a long time after. I have been having counselling since Jan specifically to deal with his behaviour.

I feel as though this thread has opened my eyes somewhat and I can now see him as a manipulative bully when he emails and makes assertions or lies or demands. I'm just not replying to the bulk of his emails. I had a revealing conversation with my 12yo last night who didn't want to spend time with my ex this weekend. My ex is clearly trying to gaslight him too.

At the moment I just don't have the time to do the freedom programme but I will buy the book, I've seen it mentioned a lot. I hope that you continue to make progress and come out trumps.

You can do the Freedom Programme on line?

If there isn't a court order allow your 12 year old to stay with you. Present it as a done deal, "X isn't coming this weekend"

He can rant and rage but the courts would take a 12 year old view into account.

Have you set up your emails so his ones get diverted into a Dick Head folder? That way it's easier to look just once per week.

Yes as RandomMess says, you can do the Freedom Programme online BUT I think part of why it is so good to go to the sessions is that you open yourself up because it is safe and everyone can identify with what is being talked about. I really look forward to the sessions now (everyone cried in the first one but for me I think I need to cry - it’s all been bottled up for so long).

Well done for being assertive though - I need to be more like that. I still get real fear when I get a text or email from him.