Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Can I ask my ex to not entertain new partners in a house I still pay the full mortgage for?

29 replies

tyhopho · 20/09/2019 19:26

I was the one to move out of the house earlier this year. We jointly own it. Her income is not that stable but is enough to cover day to day expenses for her and the kids so to ensure that the house is never under threat I am paying the full mortgage on top of my own rent elsewhere to ensure stability.

I've started seeing someone recently and thought it would be best to inform her so that if she or the kids see us walking together in the area or at the shops this will not be a shock. She refuses to say whether she is dating or not. I am uncomfortable of the idea of her bringing partners round to the house whilst I still pay for the mortgage. I have asked if she is willing to respect this and she refuses to do so. There is little I can do but I am keen to know if I am in the wrong by asking her not to host partners at the house when the kids are out.

OP posts:
LemonAddict · 20/09/2019 19:27

Yes you are in the wrong.

HTH.

pumkinspicetime · 20/09/2019 19:29

Honestly this is just silly.
Your financial arrangements need to be separated from your current dating arrangements.

Windydaysuponus · 20/09/2019 19:29

Send an invoice to the overnight guests.
Local hotel rates...

MLMsuperfan · 20/09/2019 19:29

YABU

HeddaGarbled · 20/09/2019 19:30

Of course you are wrong. You’re allowed to date, but she isn’t? Or she’s allowed to date but must never allow her boyfriend into her home? Don’t be ridiculous.

GCAcademic · 20/09/2019 19:30

Oh, sure, your money gives you complete control of her. You should get a chastity belt put on her just to be sure.

SquirrelsInJune · 20/09/2019 19:33

"She refuses to say whether she is dating or not."

That's because it's none of your business anymore.

"I am uncomfortable of the idea of her bringing partners round to the house whilst I still pay for the mortgage."

Your discomfort is not her problem. You own a share of the house, not a share of your ex.

ChicCroissant · 20/09/2019 19:33

Is this a reverse? Otherwise it is hard to understand why you would think that was a reasonable idea?

Houseworkavoider · 20/09/2019 19:35

That would be disgustingly controlling...

Karwomannghia · 20/09/2019 19:36

You’re paying the mortgage, not for ownership of your ex. Sounds like you’re not over her yet and are finding any excuse to prevent her from seeing other men.

AppropriateAdult · 20/09/2019 19:36

You’re not “uncomfortable” at the idea of her having a new partner in the house you pay for. You just don’t like it, because you think she should be abjectly grateful to you for keeping a roof over her head (and those of her children). Grow up. If you’ve an issue with the financial arrangements, sort it out properly through mediation or the courts. Leave her dating life out of it.

Whatwillhappentomorrow · 20/09/2019 19:36

Yabu.

Just because you still pay the mortgage gives you no right to have a say in her personal life.

Chances are she has contributed more to childcare allowing you to have a career and earn enough to be in your position now.

If the kids are mainly living with your ex during the working week then this is still putting a limit on her earning potential.

You paying the mortgage is the right thing to do. Thinking this gives you control over her personal life is not.

Original poster
tyhopho · 20/09/2019 19:37

Message received - I've definitely got this very badly wrong

OP posts:
squeakybike · 20/09/2019 19:40

What the hell have I just read

Savingforarainyday · 20/09/2019 19:43

Hang on..... you've been separated less than a year, you've moved on, but your ex isn't allowed to?
Oooh, that's a bit unfair- to both your ex and your current. If you are still bothered about your ex, then honestly, you are not ready for a relationship.

Also, seriously- try and keep your feelings about your ex seperate from the care of your children.
Your ex is living in the house ( I assume) because you both felt it was best for the children. Draw a line around that, and don't use it as a weapon to control your ex. Your children will suffer....

CodenameVillanelle · 20/09/2019 19:45

It's her home you ridiculous man! You pay the mortgage because your children live there. You have ZERO right to ANY opinion about who she sees in her home. You absurd, controlling person.

MissSmiley · 20/09/2019 19:57

The police told my ex that what you have just suggested is very controlling, only then did he stopped telling me who I could have to visit

stucknoue · 20/09/2019 22:28

Unreasonable. You can date but she cannot is basically what you are saying. It is not advisable to rush to introduce children anyway but if you have the kids of course she can have a new man over.

Palaver1 · 21/09/2019 07:20

Don’t be silly this is the reason why it’s sometimes best to sell.

Fairylea · 21/09/2019 07:25

It’s her home. She can do what she likes!

Bringonspring · 21/09/2019 07:27

Did you break up because of your controlling behaviour?

Good that you recognise that you got it wrong though

Happyspud · 21/09/2019 07:28

That’s not right OP. Dress it up as you wish but it’s controlling and an abuse of her via finances to even ask.

MrsBertBibby · 21/09/2019 07:29

You're a piece of work, aren't you OP. Wow.

Ifeellikedoing · 21/09/2019 07:33

You can’t ask her to do that.

But I would sort out separating your finances as soon as possible.

yellowish · 21/09/2019 07:35

He’s clearly got it. No need to pile on.