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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Financial Settlement

41 replies

Minionmomma · 11/09/2019 23:08

Hi. Advice needed please. My marriage is on the rocks. I’ve told my other half but he’s refusing to discuss the issue with me. In a nutshell he’s a workaholic, selfish, arrogant, no effort into ‘us’ but, thank goodness, a brilliant dad to our young kids. I am hopeful that we can keep things amicable. We own a property- joint mortgage. Other half also inherited a significant sum earlier this year. I sought some free legal advice through work and was told that, in terms of matrimonial assets, the inheritance is a grey area. I’m the primary carer to our children. Ideally one of us would remain in our home to maintain some stability and there’d be a transfer of equity. Inheritance aside, I’d not be able to afford to buy him out if we split the capital 50/50. If the inheritance was amalgamated with the capital on the house then I could afford to buy him out. Or he could buy me out and I could buy a very similar house to maintain living standards for me and the children. I envisage this would not go down very well with my husband. I’d really like to avoid court and happy to go down the mediation route. Anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 12/09/2019 10:17

How old are the children and do you work? You refer to maintaining your standards but what would this mean to your exes?
If they a clean break can be achieved and the inheritance is needed to achieve that its possible it will be considered

What % split are you looking for and are there pensions too ?

Original poster
Minionmomma · 12/09/2019 12:02

Hi thanks for replying. I work ft. Children are in primary school. Yes we both have pensions. Partner earns significantly more than me. I took time out of my career to have the children. I was wondering if it would be reasonable to expect an amalgamation of capital on our property and inheritance and maybe split 50/50. We’d likely split parenting with me doing most but him very much involved. I wouldn’t expect any maintenance. Inheritance aside, my husband would likely be able to buy me out but I would not be able to buy him out. When I refer to standards of living I believe my husband would want me to be able to maintain the same standard of living with our children that they have been used to If we go our separate ways. This would only be possible if the split of the capital on our property was more in my favour or if his inheritance was factored in.

OP posts:
HugoSpritz · 12/09/2019 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Minionmomma · 12/09/2019 12:13

I wondered if such things can be agreed through mediation without having to go to court?

OP posts:
NotBeingRobbed · 12/09/2019 13:00

So exactly when did you decide you wanted to split. Was it when he got that inheritance and you thought you could take some of it? When he was mourning?

0lga · 12/09/2019 13:05

You need legal advice, yes your solicitor can advise you through a mediation.

Can I just check - do you live in the uK and if so, in which country ? Because that affects legal matters including the inheritance.

And ignore Notbeingrobbed. No one ends a happy marriage to fight for a share of an inheritance that they would have had benefited from automatically if they had stayed married.

Original poster
Minionmomma · 12/09/2019 15:11

@NotBeingRobbed stop trolling people and go seek some counselling. You’re clearly very bitter.

@0lga I live in England...

OP posts:
Otter71 · 12/09/2019 22:50

I was told that they had to consider my inheritance even though I can't access it. Stbxh knew and of course brought it up. I effectively own a quarter of my mother's house as mum and dad were Tennant's in common. So I can't imagine how he can get away with the inheritance not being an asset of the marriage...

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 13/09/2019 07:50

Each case is treated differently there is no blanket rule on what happens to inheritance

If inherited assets are transferred to joint names or used for the benefit of the couple/family, they are likely to form part of the ‘pot’ of matrimonial assets available for division by the Court

Inherited assets received shortly before the breakdown of the marriage are less likely to be included in the matrimonial assets for division, depending on whether the other assets are sufficient to meet the couple’s or family’s future needs

The needs of the family, especially where there are minor children, will be the overriding consideration and if the only way to meet those needs is by transferring inherited assets or assets deriving from them, to the other party, the Court may do this.

I do think however that there is often a moral argument - would you have expected to split any inheritance you received from family with DH?

Also as a teacher you're likely to have a good pension - just because he earns more doesn't mean that his pension is better so be prepared that your pension goes in the pot too?

Original poster
Minionmomma · 13/09/2019 10:35

Thank you for your advice @itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted I appreciate your point re the moral standpoint. If we’re talking of morals then if I went into detail about our marriage and current circumstances then you might perhaps understand why I’m focusing on me and my children and how I get get the best possible outcome for us. My worry is that I can’t afford to take on the house and that I’ll end up in something very different (which will impact the children) while my husband gets to maintain current living standards. I would really like us to go our separate ways and have similar homes and living standards for the children and be the best parents we can be. I’m not a teacher btw.

OP posts:
itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 13/09/2019 16:47

Sorry must of read the teacher bit on another post 🤦‍♀️

Morally whatever has happened to get you to the point of divorce is irrelevant - eg if you've been cheated on doesn't mean you should be entitled to more.

Fair division is best in which case selling the house and buying two of a similar standard is better than pursuing an inheritance (did it come from a close much loved family member or distant relative ??)

0lga · 13/09/2019 16:57

I’m sorry to say that almost all mothers and children have to drop their standard of living on divorce and almost all men keep theirs the same or indeed improve it.

And no, its not fair.

Original poster
Minionmomma · 13/09/2019 18:10

@0lga @itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted Thank you. Forewarned is forearmed I guess. I’ll prepare for a bumpy ride 😬😬😬

OP posts:
itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 13/09/2019 19:04

Most men I know who have divorced now have a much lower standard of living than their ex wives who have stayed in the family home as well as receiving maintenance, loss of pensions and they also don't get to see their kids as much as the wives.....

A lot of the ex wives are better off than if they had never been married in terms of size of House and cut of husbands pension.....which is also unfair

Original poster
Minionmomma · 13/09/2019 19:45

Tbh I’m not interested in pensions or maintenance. I’d be able to keep things ticking over with my own income and I know for certain that our children will always be a priority for my husband too and that he would always step up financially. My concern really was how we’d split the assets. I’d happily let him stay in the family home but I’d really like to set up a home for our girls nearby and maintain a similar standard of living too. That’d require either a higher share of the capital from the house or some of the inheritance I mentioned. But I know it’s a grey area. I’m not out to fleece my husband. I still love him and I genuinely care about him. His well-being impacts on the wellbeing of our children. And vice versa.

OP posts:
Palaver1 · 14/09/2019 00:09

Your phrase wanting to maintain a similar standard of living ,doesn’t stand during a divorce not with what you are both earning.
Your banking on the inheritance and you might be disappointed

0lga · 14/09/2019 09:48

Your pensions ARE a marital asset. At least the amount that been contributed during your marriage.

It’s a foolish mistake not to recognise this. Often pensions are worth more than your house.

You need a lawyer. Don’t try to do this without legal advice as you and your children will get fleeced.

HugoSpritz · 14/09/2019 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AMAM8916 · 16/09/2019 17:21

If I were you, if you don't have any entitlement to the inheritance, offset his higher pension to gain more equity from the house.

So you basically say that you don't want to take your share of his pension and instead you want to have more of the equity. In doing this, you may be able to buy him out for much less than you think you currently will have to.

Have you any idea of the current equity in your house and any idea what yours and his pensions currently are?

The inheritance is a grey area but still an option.

At the end of the day, you married this man, supported him, had his and your children, took a step back career wise to let him excel while you took care of the kids and home and you shouldn't end up in a cramped home and struggling to get by after the sacrifices you have made. You deserve your share and your kids deserve a nice home (one that they are used to having) with their main parent which will be you.

Legal advice is the way forward but yes you can achieve things through mediation without court but you'll at least need a solicitor to help you understand exactly what to ask for in mediation so you don't go in looking unreasonable/don't get what you should

Original poster
Minionmomma · 16/09/2019 21:26

@AMAM8916 thank you. I appreciate your advice and also your point about the sacrifices I’ve made for our family so that he can excel. And now the state of our marriage is such that he barely acknowledges my existence. It’s killing me. he has basically checked out of our marriage after treating me like shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Minionmomma · 16/09/2019 21:27

Meant to ask, do we got to mediation together? I intend to see a solicitor who is also a mediator.

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 16/09/2019 21:35

olga who are on earth do men improve their situation after divorce? My husband gave his ex a house that he paid for as she never worked and pays massive maintenance and spousal maintenance, ridiculous statement.

Anotherdiv · 16/09/2019 23:22

You can come to mediation by yourself and take it from there

Soontobe60 · 16/09/2019 23:35

The way your DH treated you in your relationship has nothing to do with financial settlements.
You cannot both maintain the lifestyle you have now, as individuals, unless there's a big increase in both your incomes.
His inheritance is just that, his. If whomever he inherited it from intended you to have equal share in it, they would have given half of it to you.
I too am curious if you are using this windfall he received as the trigger for the divorce? If he had not got the money, would you still be leaving him?
Finally, you do realise that he may fight to stay in the marital home with the children, don't you.

Original poster
Minionmomma · 17/09/2019 00:07

@Soontobe60 I appreciate your cynicism but no, the ‘windfall’ is irrelevant. You can see my previous posts from a year ago to know our issues predate this. And, yes, he may well try to fight to stay in the marital home. He’s welcome to it. As for the children, he’d never leave work on time in order to collect them from their childcare facility so I don’t see how he could. As stated before, I’m the primary carer. Thanks for perspective.

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