Financial Settlement

[Minionmomma]

Hi. Advice needed please. My marriage is on the rocks. I’ve told my other half but he’s refusing to discuss the issue with me. In a nutshell he’s a workaholic, selfish, arrogant, no effort into ‘us’ but, thank goodness, a brilliant dad to our young kids. I am hopeful that we can keep things amicable. We own a property- joint mortgage. Other half also inherited a significant sum earlier this year. I sought some free legal advice through work and was told that, in terms of matrimonial assets, the inheritance is a grey area. I’m the primary carer to our children. Ideally one of us would remain in our home to maintain some stability and there’d be a transfer of equity. Inheritance aside, I’d not be able to afford to buy him out if we split the capital 50/50. If the inheritance was amalgamated with the capital on the house then I could afford to buy him out. Or he could buy me out and I could buy a very similar house to maintain living standards for me and the children. I envisage this would not go down very well with my husband. I’d really like to avoid court and happy to go down the mediation route. Anyone have any advice?

[Mandeep09]

Many parents going through family court proceedings after being in a domestic abuse situation find themselves and their children at further risk. The Government agreed to a public inquiry but it doesn’t go far enough to include CAFCASS, who are meant to act on behalf of the children. Often unsupervised contact is granted or the abuse continues. This has to change.

Please sign and share this petition.

petition.parliament.uk/petitions/269989?sfns=mo

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Saturday 26th October, 2019 at 12:00 in Parliament Square
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[Minionmomma]

@Dacquoise that s very helpful. Thank you all so much.

[Dacquoise]

Hi Minionmomma,

I have just been through a two year court case regarding variation of spousal maintenance, which is basically a repeat of the financial remedies procedure for divorce, so can give you some pointers to help you if possible.

Not sure how long your marriage is? If it's a long marriage all assets go into the pot, that's house equity, savings, pensions, inheritances that have been received. Minus any debts. The starting point is 50/50. This can be adjusted according to needs, i.e. resident parent needs more to house him/herself and dependent children.

Courts are not concerned with who did what to whom or any other 'moral' questions. They will crunch the numbers and come up with a judgment regardless.

If you can afford it, I would recommend that you put together all your figures regarding assets, pensions etc plus income and an idea of what you need to look after yourself and your children, that's housing and monthly income. Take it to a direct access barrister for a one off conference to get a view on how it will be looked at in court.

I have found that solicitors are great at the theory of divorce, barristers are at the coal face and can give you a better indication of likely outcomes.

You can always use your findings as a tool for any discussions at mediation. I personally did not find mediation of any help as mediators do not have legal training and leave you both to come up with a settlement.

Hope this helps.

[Palaver1]

@maternityleavequestion is right and if possible try to resolve without going to court .
Mediation normal works if you both are agreeable over the division of assets

[Minionmomma]

@maternityleavequestion thank you so much. I appreciate your support and advice.

[maternityleavequestion]

Sorry for the horrible replies you've been gettting op.
Yes inheritance (not future potential inheritance) is definitely included as a marital asset if the needs of the family can't be met without using it. It is a resource of the family.
You should try mediation op, his reaction to it will tell you how long a battle it will be.
Good luck.

[Minionmomma]

@user1493494961 @NorthEndGal you know what it’s my husband’s attitude that’s changed actually and whoever mentioned ‘significant inheritance’? It’s not significant at all. The inheritance is actually not that relevant is what I’m realising anyway. As primary carer it’s poss that, inheritance aside, assets might be split higher in my favour anyway. And just a reminder — it has been my career and pension that has taken numerous hits to have and care for our children whilst my husband has excelled and totally taken me for granted. Why am I being perceived as greedy for wanting to minimise the impact to myself and children of a separation? Would you seriously not want to do the same? My husbands needs have always been the priority in our marriage. Not anymore.

[wobytide]

A lot of solicitors are also mediators, however they can only mediate other people who they aren't involved in representing so if you have a solicitor for example they will normally recommend another solicitor/mediator who is independent of both you and your husband for the mediation part. If any solicitor has given you advise or has awareness of your situation I'm not sure if they are also excluded from being able to mediate.

If your husband refuses to talk then it doesn't sound like mediation will work, or at best shuttle mediation where he talks via the mediator only may be possible.

[NorthEndGal]

If he had not recieved the inheritance, you would not be able to fund the lifestyle you wish to have, after the two if you split.
You can see how that looks?

[user1493494961]

I'm another one who thinks the 'significant inheritance' is your motivating factor.

[Minionmomma]

@wobytide thank you. A friend saw a solicitor who also happened to be a mediator. I’m not expecting the mediator to make decisions but merely to advise. At present my situation is such that my husband is refusing to talk st all. We have an appt booked with our marriage counsellor. He seems to think our counsellor can advise us. I’ve tried to explain that this is not the role of a counsellor but he’s stonewalling me.

[wobytide]

There are different formats, you normally see them separately first to establish whether you will be suitable for mediation in the first place as sometimes people just aren't going to compromise so mediation would waste everyone's time. then it can either be you see them both at the same time or some people find it hard so they do what is called shuttle mediation where you are both in a different room and the mediator moves between rooms with the details.

Also you seem to have a bit of a distorted view what is going to happen, the mediator is fairly silent, it's up to you and your ex to do the talking and make suggestions and offers about what will work for you. The mediator is merely there to ensure what you are agreeing to will pass the court tests in their opinion, they aren't there to advise you, that's our solicitor or representatives job if you have one

[Minionmomma]

@Palaver1 @wobytide so do you both see the mediator together or do you go separately? In my mind we would go together and ideally see a solicitor mediator who has the legal knowledge to help us reach an agreement re childcare and assets. Somebody above suggested you go separately. I’m confused...

[Palaver1]

Yes the mediator sits not saying anything a bit frustrating this is I must say

[wobytide]

Yes fairly certain the mediator can't be representing either of you as it's a conflict

[BringMeAGinandTonic]

I thought the mediator has to be a neutral party. Anyone know?

[Minionmomma]

@Soontobe60 I appreciate your cynicism but no, the ‘windfall’ is irrelevant. You can see my previous posts from a year ago to know our issues predate this. And, yes, he may well try to fight to stay in the marital home. He’s welcome to it. As for the children, he’d never leave work on time in order to collect them from their childcare facility so I don’t see how he could. As stated before, I’m the primary carer. Thanks for perspective.

[Soontobe60]

The way your DH treated you in your relationship has nothing to do with financial settlements.
You cannot both maintain the lifestyle you have now, as individuals, unless there's a big increase in both your incomes.
His inheritance is just that, his. If whomever he inherited it from intended you to have equal share in it, they would have given half of it to you.
I too am curious if you are using this windfall he received as the trigger for the divorce? If he had not got the money, would you still be leaving him?
Finally, you do realise that he may fight to stay in the marital home with the children, don't you.

[Anotherdiv]

You can come to mediation by yourself and take it from there

[Mrskeats]

olga who are on earth do men improve their situation after divorce? My husband gave his ex a house that he paid for as she never worked and pays massive maintenance and spousal maintenance, ridiculous statement.

[Minionmomma]

Meant to ask, do we got to mediation together? I intend to see a solicitor who is also a mediator.

[Minionmomma]

@AMAM8916 thank you. I appreciate your advice and also your point about the sacrifices I’ve made for our family so that he can excel. And now the state of our marriage is such that he barely acknowledges my existence. It’s killing me. he has basically checked out of our marriage after treating me like shit.

[AMAM8916]

If I were you, if you don't have any entitlement to the inheritance, offset his higher pension to gain more equity from the house.

So you basically say that you don't want to take your share of his pension and instead you want to have more of the equity. In doing this, you may be able to buy him out for much less than you think you currently will have to.

Have you any idea of the current equity in your house and any idea what yours and his pensions currently are?

The inheritance is a grey area but still an option.

At the end of the day, you married this man, supported him, had his and your children, took a step back career wise to let him excel while you took care of the kids and home and you shouldn't end up in a cramped home and struggling to get by after the sacrifices you have made. You deserve your share and your kids deserve a nice home (one that they are used to having) with their main parent which will be you.

Legal advice is the way forward but yes you can achieve things through mediation without court but you'll at least need a solicitor to help you understand exactly what to ask for in mediation so you don't go in looking unreasonable/don't get what you should

[0lga]

Your pensions ARE a marital asset. At least the amount that been contributed during your marriage.

It’s a foolish mistake not to recognise this. Often pensions are worth more than your house.

You need a lawyer. Don’t try to do this without legal advice as you and your children will get fleeced.