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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

He's marrying the OW

40 replies

MollyBloomYes · 26/08/2019 22:35

Ex walked out three years ago when I was heavily pregnant (about 3 weeks from due date) with our second child, we already had a toddler. He's never admitted to an affair but I had suspicions before he left and they were in a 'new' relationship almost instantly after we split

Overall I'm fine. I don't want him back, I feel mostly indifferent to him, we have an eow arrangement and he pays maintenance. He could be better on actually wanting to have the kids during his annual leave and school holidays but that has to come from him now, I can't have that conversation with him again.

However now he's engaged to OW and it's really bothering me and it's annoying me that it's bothering me. It just seems monumentally unfair that he gets the happiness, he gets the kids excited to see him and nagging to go to their house rather than me having to do the boring everyday stuff and have them tantrum etc. I know the whining and the arguing is because they feel secure with me. Doesn't make it any less draining. And it's heartbreaking to constantly be told they want to go to daddy's house when I try so hard to give them a loving home, lots of activities and outings etc but it'll never be good enough because it's not exciting Daddy

I know why he seems more exciting and I know it's only because they're little that they have all the subtlety of a brick but it's shit. And it's shit that I'm still single despite giving it my best shot with online dating-a single mum of two kids does seem to narrow the selection of people willing to date you! I muddle along quite happily on my own but it would be nice to have someone in my corner. And I feel very very sad at the thought of having no more children, I'm hugely grateful for the two I have of course but I would have loved more.

Basically I feel like he got away with it. He treated me appallingly, behaved with breathtaking cruelty and he doesn't get any sort of punishment! I know it's juvenile of me and I know I should be concentrating on living my 'best life' but sometimes it's really really shit and unfair and I don't particularly feel like being zen about it. I have 3, nearly 4 years of rising above and being calm and collected for the sake of my kids and I'm sick of it and sick of him thinking everything's marvellous and his choices were totally justified for the end result. Which I guess for him, they were.
UGH.

OP posts:
flapjackfairy · 26/08/2019 22:43

Well i think you are amazing to have risen above it so well in the first place. You are obviously doing the best you can to support your kids and their needs at the expense of your own . You should be proud. You sound a great mum.
And I think you have to play the long game ! The end is not yet known. Children grow up to be adults who can see what is true and what is an illusion. They will see their fathers true colours in time sadly and will realise how lucky they were. And who knows what wonderful things are in store for you round the corner.
Keep rising above it and doing the right thing. Your time will come x

TeaLibrary · 26/08/2019 22:54

Keep rising above it OP. If it helps then he will do to his new wife exactly what he has done to you, by marrying him she's created a vacancy for the post of mistress. If he wasn't faithful to you then he sure as hell won't be faithful to her.

ItsOnAmericasTorturedBrow · 26/08/2019 23:01

They will marry, they will have a baby, she will become exhausted and "demanding" and your ex will start shagging around. Your kids will hate going there with the shitty atmosphere and ow will resent having to look after his kids as well as her own while he neglects her. Sit back and watch. Meanwhile you will realise what a lucky escape you had.

Apileofballyhoo · 26/08/2019 23:12

He's a shitty person who doesn't care that he only sees his kids EOW. He can't even be bothered seeing more of them when he's got holidays from work. He doesn't miss them. I couldn't bear to only see my DS EOW. Your DC will cop on soon enough and probably want fuck all to do with him when they're older, or when he is old.

MollyBloomYes · 27/08/2019 00:31

Thank you everyone. I needed those pep talks! It is going to massively sting when she gets pregnant (I'm predicting within a year of the wedding if she isn't already) but who knows what may happen then? But equally I guess I also need to work on being ok with them staying together-it may still happen and there's not a lot I can do about it either way!

Whatever the outcome, thank you for reading my moan, it felt really good to get it all down!

OP posts:
Graphista · 27/08/2019 02:05

And I think you have to play the long game ! The end is not yet known. Pretty much what I was going to say.

My ex had an affair with a supposedly mutual friend, I threw him out upon acquiring enough evidence inc a "straw that broke the camels back event" then had to deal with him a couple weeks later revealing she was pregnant.

A couple years later (he deliberately dragged his heels on the divorce but told OW it was me doing so to avoid remarrying) but the point at which they were engaged and excitedly planning the wedding and dd was all excited about being a bridesmaid was tough! And why wouldn't it be? Perfectly natural to feel the hurt and betrayal again and yes to feel it's unfair that apparently bad behaviour is being rewarded...

...then I discovered he'd cheated on her with a childhood friend the MONTH after they got engaged, she had banned him from having a smart phone or social media accounts except joint ones with her - yep they had a joint facebook account which as I was still in touch with him this way I thought odd and had never known such a thing and asked another mutual friend why that had happened which is how I was told about the post engagement cheating.

And then...he propositioned ME the night before THEIR wedding!

So don't make the mistake of believing their PR.

I was in the "fortunate" position of my ex, ow and I all being part of a community where everyone knows everything and nothing stays secret for long but my ex also being not the brightest forgot that! Or at least forgot I was still connected to that community!

Over the passing years I have learned, mostly without any enquiry from myself but shared sm stuff and people commenting, that my ex and now wife 2 are both - despite claiming otherwise to me of course - completely miserable in their relationship! But neither will leave the other they both feel trapped for a variety of reasons - karma exists, sometimes it just takes a while to get its act together!

Children grow up to be adults who can see what is true and what is an illusion
*
Also true! At the time of my exes wedding dd was totally wrapped up in the "princess" phase of her own childhood and loved being involved in the wedding (and I have to say aside from the affair my former friend is a pretty decent person and has always treated dd well, better than dds dad does actually!) but as time has gone on not only has dds relationship with her dad completely deteriorated due to his inaction and lack of concern for her, but as she's grown and matured she understands better and appreciates how tough it was for me as a single mum and how I
am the one that's always been there for her and shared all the good and bad times and supported her and been the one to make sacrifices to endure she had all she needed.

At one point in dds early high school stage her dad pulled the "I pay loads of money to your mum for you" crap and while I had until then endeavoured to protect dd from what a shit dad he was it led to some difficult and honest conversations a bit his lack of commitment and his not taking responsibility for his role as a father. Not just in relation to money, though that started the discussion (she'd asked for an expensive gift for Christmas there was no way I could afford and so I had said to ask her dad if he could possibly manage it. He took umbrage at being asked and basically lost the temper with dd for even asking! I wouldn't have suggested asking if I'd known that would be his reaction, he'd previously said anything like that dd only had to ask) but it led in a roundabout way to dd finding out (somewhat by mistake as she saw a bank statement that showed a charge for train tickets, this got her curious and she looked at more) that I had been covering for him cocking up on arrangements for contact visits, gifts and other treats.

At that point she asked me to stop taking on making all the arrangements and to basically let him sink or swim by his own actions - and he sunk like a stone!

I also find it very satisfying to think of alllllll his bad habits that I very much DON'T miss that she is now putting up with (and I hear he's added another 100 or so 😂)

In my case that's his excessive sweating, loud snoring, laziness, selfishness, obsession with bloody rugby (and every other sodding sport but the rugby is especially bad!), financial ignorance, inability to accept he's wrong, complete disinterest in babies (the man has 6 kids and has never changed a dirty nappy!), his eating loudly with his mouth wide open ALWAYS and at a rate of knots so that there were times he'd completely finished a meal and was demanding pud before I was even organised enough to sit and eat my own meal, his stinky sports kit that he leaves festering up to weeks before it occurs to him it needs to be removed from the bag and at very least put in the laundry hamper, his belief that if he uses a glass for a drink of water it doesn't need washed!, his seemingly complete inability to put something back where he got it from... You get the idea, and I'm sure your ex also has many gross and annoying habits.

As I said - don't believe their "roses around the cottage fairytale" bollocks PR - the reality is likely to be very different!

Chocmallows · 27/08/2019 02:20

He is a person who can leave a heavily pregnant partner and toddler and walk into a new life. He is no loss and did not value you. Anything he appears to have now is likely to be a veneer as he is partially rotten underneath it.

You are doing the right thing in letting the DC see their dad, but don't let him pull down the freedom you have to be you. Yes you have DC, but you still have decisions and can make your life fun.

Rachelover40 · 27/08/2019 02:29

Just want to say I think you're amazing, MollyBloom. Your children are fortunate to have you as a mother and I'm sure better things are around the corner for you.

Flowers
Limpshade · 27/08/2019 02:30

I can totally see where you're coming from here but as the child of divorced parents (even very involved ones) I promise your children will see things as they really are in time. The revelations may not come until adulthood or even parenthood, but they will come.

Remember also that nothing is ever as rosy as it seems on the outside. I imagine if and when the OW is pregnant, she will come to have a new perspective on the actions of your ex while you were expecting your second. If she can still respect him after that, then frankly they deserve each other.

Even if you can't feel it right now, your gut must tell you that you're in a far better place without him.

thespellhasbeenbroken123 · 27/08/2019 08:00

Reading this scares me because I know this will be my life!
Not the single bit, I never want to be with another man
But the fact daddy will be exciting, he will still have the big house with the playroom and the toys and have them for a few hours of pure fun
I will be doing the school runs, the bedtimes the washing and alllll the shit
It's a big reason why I'm staying in a abusive relationship because I'm scared the alternative will be even worse

But just know your kids know where they are safe and I bet it's you they want if they are ill? You are their haven x

thespellhasbeenbroken123 · 27/08/2019 08:01

They will marry, they will have a baby, she will become exhausted and "demanding" and your ex will start shagging around. Your kids will hate going there with the shitty atmosphere and ow will resent having to look after his kids as well as her own while he neglects her. Sit back and watch. Meanwhile you will realise what a lucky escape you had.

This has made me feel better actually
Maybe I should leave haha

MorrisZapp · 27/08/2019 08:05

Your kids don't have dad's house and mum's house, they have dad's house and home.

You are their home.

Angrybird123 · 27/08/2019 08:14

Been there, done that OP. It is natural to feel sad, especially if you are single still but what others have said about them knowing they've married a cheat is helpful. Having said that, I think the 'eventually they'll he miserable so it's ok' posts have it wrong. They may or may not be. The point is, it needs not to matter to YOU what happens to them. You get on and provide the safe, stable home your kids need. Yes it's rubbish being the boring one getting them out of the door every day, instilling good behaviour etc but there will come a time when they get it.
As for dating, if you have babysitting support so you can go out once a week it's a doable. I met my DP about 3 years after the split. We don't live together and have no plans to. At the start, before he came to the house I would see him about once every ten days and texted a lot in between. Do t assume that no man will be interested because of the kids. Not all relationships have to look the same.. I like my 'arms length' one. He's in my corner, on my side, but not on my sofa eating all the snacks and stealing the remote! You'll get there, chin up x

Phillipa12 · 27/08/2019 08:19

I could have written your exact post, the long game is hard as its going to be quite a few years before the dc understand when really you, like me want to see results now. I did tell exh once precisely what i thought of him and the ow and how they both treated me whilst i had a newborn, he apologised, first time ever, probably didnt mean it though......also said that we were not in competition with each other with regards the dc as it dosent matter what he does because hes on a pedastool so high hes unreachable, but being a father for 4 days a month and throwing money at the situation does not make him a good dad. (not interested the rest of the time). One of mine has realised that daddy gets the fun stuff and i deal with the everyday shit stuff, wont be long till the other two do.

Tiredmum100 · 27/08/2019 08:26

I've never been in your position but can sympathise with you. I work hard, do all the things that need doing for the dc, take them on days out in the hols etc but daddy and grandparents are far more fun! Ultimately I know they need me and love me. You are doing brilliantly! Like another poster said a man who walks out on a pregnant wife and toddler is really no lose to you. You still have time to meet someone if that's what you want! Don't write yourself off just yet. My grandmother met her second husband after my mother married my father so there's no reason why it cant happen at any age! I would be annoyed too if I was in your shoes. Sod him x

YouJustDoYou · 27/08/2019 08:35

It might be Disney Dad now, but kids see straight through it more and more with every passing year - and especially if another baby comes along and new wife plus cheating ex h suddenly realise (because they were too stupid to see it before the affair) the realities of having to support two sets of offspring PLUS ow and his new household. As pp said, the so often seen bitterness and resentment from ow, the lack of trust the foundation of their "relationship" is built on, all adds together into a lovely mix of one bit shit show of a daily life for him, and pretty soon the kids will NOT be begging to go over there. You're doing amazingly op. Keep going x

beccarocksbaby · 27/08/2019 08:37

Live well in the knowledge that in a price of research done (albeit a while back) that 75% of relationships which start as an affair end as a divorce, usually within 5 years.

They brought it on themselves and are now stuck with each other.

TapDanceJazzHands · 27/08/2019 08:42

I know the whining and the arguing is because they feel secure with me.

I'm glad you see this. As your children grow they will eventually understand what you have done for them. You sound like a super mum.

As for him, you definitely had a lucky escape. Look at it this way- he chose to leave so you were never the bad guy and now you get to live your life without the lying tosser!
You can also find someone who is just right for you eventually.

Like others have said the future is still to come...

Cherryblossomtrees · 27/08/2019 08:43

You are doing an amazing job, you sound so strong and so dignified. Keep going!

Like a pp said you are providing their home, their safe place and you are getting to see the day in day out little humans with all their ups and downs and that's very special.

Flower64 · 27/08/2019 08:46

I think you've done brilliantly to rise above it and encourage his relationship with the kids - I know that feeling of unfairness, I too am now a single parent to small children and also work full time so my life consists of work and being mum and not much else. My ex has made no real effort to see the kids because he doesn't want the safeguarding checks. Probably doesn't want his affair partner realising what he did to me and what kind of person he is. It does feel unfair to be left to do everything but kids understand more than we know. My 5 year old asked me last week if daddy had died :( He has to live with his abandonment of them - I'm here 100% for them. Your kids will know who put them first - without you ever having to say a word.

Cherryblossomtrees · 27/08/2019 08:46

Btw I have to say I would find it hard to think of my DH marrying someone else too, even if we were long split up. I even found it a little hard when my first boyfriend got married to someone about 5 years after we split up. It's that public declaration of being with someone else that they once made with you. The finality of it (or not!!!). I think it's absolutely ok to feel a bit sad about it but accept it's happening and support your child's through it. You don't have to be happy for them and no one should make you feel that way.

Cherryblossomtrees · 27/08/2019 08:47

Not sure why it says child's instead of children Confused

Bouledeneige · 27/08/2019 09:05

Dear OP. It's entirely natural you should feel this way. Acknowledge it - don't shove it under the carpet. It's okay to talk to friends about it IRL too. We have to keep processing these things so that it doesn't eat away at you and make you feel bitter.

At the same time you need to ensure you are focused on giving yourself a good and happy life. Find some activities you enjoy, make new friends, book yourself up with fun and new things to do - the best antidote is to make your life good. And always occupy the high ground - behave well with him and the kids. In the long run as everyone says, your kids will know.

I also kicked out my XH as he was starting on his second affair. My DC were 7 and 5 and I was exhausted just trying to be the best Mum I could working full time etc, He didn't end up with the OW - that would definitely have been a huge kick in the teeth. But he is now in a long term relationship with a holiday home abroad etc. He didn't get the moaning and arguments but he didn't get the real closeness either. 12 years later his children hardly see him. They are not close. And they absolutely know who did it all. And they've turned out very decent well balanced human beings. You'll be surprised how quickly time flies. Keep enjoying them and invest in your life too.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/08/2019 09:12

It is shit, MollyBloom.

I really like flapjackfairy's and MorrisZapp's posts, I find them comforting.

You are doing an incredible job and you really do sound very strong and 'together'. Don't underestimate the power of security because - whether their dad's re-marriage works or doesn't, you are Mum and you are the constant. Children don't forget that and they don't get diverted from it when they're older either.

I've not been on a dating site before but you're not on your own being single with children. There are countless threads of women happily remarried, co-parenting with their ex and 'on the up'. Perhaps you'll meet somebody on a dating site - or somewhere else. Never say never. You do sound very nice and I can't think why a great new relationship won't happen for you, however much you think that unlikely.

If I could offer one piece of advice it's to disregard the 'mistress vacancy' bollocks, it's hugely distracting and you sound a better person than to be watching from the sidelines for him to cheat and her to suffer. It's always the mantra here and it's such lazy (and actually thoughtless) trope. I had it dinned into my ears and it really grates.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/08/2019 09:14

thespellhasbeenbroken, I'm really sorry to hear that you're in an abusive relationship; you know that your children are also in it? They need you in their corner to make them safe and secure and if you don't feel that way, how can they?

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