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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

He's marrying the OW

40 replies

MollyBloomYes · 26/08/2019 22:35

Ex walked out three years ago when I was heavily pregnant (about 3 weeks from due date) with our second child, we already had a toddler. He's never admitted to an affair but I had suspicions before he left and they were in a 'new' relationship almost instantly after we split

Overall I'm fine. I don't want him back, I feel mostly indifferent to him, we have an eow arrangement and he pays maintenance. He could be better on actually wanting to have the kids during his annual leave and school holidays but that has to come from him now, I can't have that conversation with him again.

However now he's engaged to OW and it's really bothering me and it's annoying me that it's bothering me. It just seems monumentally unfair that he gets the happiness, he gets the kids excited to see him and nagging to go to their house rather than me having to do the boring everyday stuff and have them tantrum etc. I know the whining and the arguing is because they feel secure with me. Doesn't make it any less draining. And it's heartbreaking to constantly be told they want to go to daddy's house when I try so hard to give them a loving home, lots of activities and outings etc but it'll never be good enough because it's not exciting Daddy

I know why he seems more exciting and I know it's only because they're little that they have all the subtlety of a brick but it's shit. And it's shit that I'm still single despite giving it my best shot with online dating-a single mum of two kids does seem to narrow the selection of people willing to date you! I muddle along quite happily on my own but it would be nice to have someone in my corner. And I feel very very sad at the thought of having no more children, I'm hugely grateful for the two I have of course but I would have loved more.

Basically I feel like he got away with it. He treated me appallingly, behaved with breathtaking cruelty and he doesn't get any sort of punishment! I know it's juvenile of me and I know I should be concentrating on living my 'best life' but sometimes it's really really shit and unfair and I don't particularly feel like being zen about it. I have 3, nearly 4 years of rising above and being calm and collected for the sake of my kids and I'm sick of it and sick of him thinking everything's marvellous and his choices were totally justified for the end result. Which I guess for him, they were.
UGH.

OP posts:

frazzledasarock · 27/08/2019 09:30

I know exactly how you feel.

Ex married OW, who actually was complicit in his abuse of me and my DC. And I was utterly gutted when they got married.

Not because i has split from him, but because he seemed to be getting everything served to him no a silver platter and I and DC were suffering so much.

My own solution was to do everything I wanted to do and have as much fun with DC as possible.

I did make the best of what I had and dc and I really really enjoyed the years it was just us.

I made the most of what I had. And I realised how utterly glad I was that OW took twatface off my hands. we’d still be suffering his abuse otherwise.

I met DP when I finally reached a point in my life where I was ready for a new relationship and could safely make good choices.

My DC are happy and love DP, they don’t have much of a relationship with ex as he continued to be abusive, the fun buying flashy presents wanes very fast.

It gets better, I can understand feeling gutted about the people who’ve been awful getting what looks like all the good things happening to them. But really would you rather be back in a relationship with a man capable of leaving his toddler and heavily pregnant wife?

Things will get better, in the meantime do happy fun things with your kids.

Do happy fun things for yourself.

Forget the ex and OW, you don’t need to forgive them, but let the anger go fo your own sake.

I also made friends with lots of other single mums and we’d go on holidays together and days out etc. Also created a network of reciprocal childcare and support.

It will get better

MangosteenSoda · 27/08/2019 09:34

Another voice saying you are doing a great job with your kids.

No matter how unfair it feels, a worse outcome would to still be in a relationship with this enormous bellend.

I’m wishing the clap on him on your behalf

sashh · 27/08/2019 15:12

My friend's ex married the OW who was already pregnant. In fact my friend told me he had got married (without telling her or the children) my first question was, "is she pregnant?".

Anyway this man who's new wife was carrying his fourth child and had never changed a nappy found out what being a parent means as his new wife developed such severs postpartum depression that she could not look after herself or the baby.

She and the baby had to go to her parents while he worked and then he had to take on all night feeds and nappy changes.

He used to phone my friend to appologise for not knowing how difficult it was.

You are doing the right thing and your children will see that.

PicsInRed · 27/08/2019 16:51

@MorrisZapp

Your kids don't have dad's house and mum's house, they have dad's house and home. You are their home.

What an absolutely beautiful sentiment that is, Morris Zapp, just lovely.

PicsInRed · 27/08/2019 16:54

OP, just remember what he did and how abjectly awful he is. He relationship jumps hoping to find the solution externally, but the rot comes from deep within himself. He is forced to be with himself 24/7 for the rest of his life. Punishment enough, I should have thought!

MashedSpud · 27/08/2019 17:00

Don't worry the scumbag will cheat on her too so she can understand the hurt the ow helps to cause.

MorrisZapp · 27/08/2019 17:39

Aw I've never had mumsnet flowers before! Sniff!

KingMidasAteMidges · 27/08/2019 17:41

You do know that old Chinese saying: If you sit on the bank of the river long enough, you will see your enemy’s dead body float past.
Encapsulates it, really.

Nobody, ever, gets away with anything, good or bad. From my limited life experience.

HRMumness · 27/08/2019 18:09

Some really beautiful sentiments on this thread. My STBXH cheated at the start of this year. We have two young children. It is so hard sometimes.

So many people I know who found out about what happened came up and said "Oh my Dad did this, I don't really have much of a relationship with him anymore (as an adult)".

More and for you OP. You deserve it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/08/2019 11:09

KIngMidas that is just silly. What if you die first? What if you have better things to do than waste your time sitting on a river bank and wait for your enemy's corpse to float past?

As far as inspirational sayings go, that one isn't going on my list.

I will repost MorrisZapp's though, which is a powerful gem - and give her some well deserved and

Your kids don't have dad's house and mum's house, they have dad's house and home. You are their home.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/08/2019 11:10

Preview would have been my friend...

@MorrisZapp

Your kids don't have dad's house and mum's house, they have dad's house and home. You are their home.

Lau295 · 28/08/2019 11:21

My STBHX left me just over a year ago. Has never admitted the OW but I know they were in contact before he left and they were officially a couple not long after. I am fine, I am a lot happier without him and do believe it was the best thing to happen but I still feel hurt at times. This is exactly how i'm feeling at the minute

and I don't like feeling this way! I've tried to just get on with my life and not be bitter but every so often I want to hurt them like they've hurt me. I won't do anything and I will feel fine again in a day or 2 but it has helped reading this thread and realising it is quite normal to feel this way.

MorrisZapp · 28/08/2019 11:27

Chocolate! I am blessed. My poor old dad though, he was forced to live in a bedsit when he and my mum split up. It must have pained him so much not to be our 'home' any more. As an adult now, he's my rock in many ways. But for right or wrong, he stopped being my home when I was 13.

Original poster

MollyBloomYes · 30/08/2019 20:51

My goodness all these wonderful wonderful messages. Thank you all so much, it has really touched me to see the support on here. Thank you all, too many to tag!

I'm going to try very hard to get on with things. I'm in a better place than I was when he first left, I've started a new job which I love and I know that in time there will be many many good things for me. Reading Chump Lady helped too, I want to get back to my 'meh' where the ex and ow are concerned! Whether they stay together or not isn't really the point, I know that. But sometimes it's cathartic to imagine a big fat 'I told you so' on them!

You are all marvellous. Thank you

OP posts:

AMAM8916 · 30/08/2019 23:57

Just bide your time, karma will get them. It may not even be that you want them to suffer, you probably just want them both to F off and shove their happy lives up their bums. However, it won't be happy. If she ever does get pregnant, she will always be wondering if he is at it with someone else because he has already cheated on a heavily pregnant partner so he's capable.

Hopefully all this is a good while off when your kids are older and don't get caught up in more of his mess!

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