How do people just change when they cheat

[VivaVegas]

That really.

How do people go from being someone that you thought you knew inside out for several decades, that you thought loved you, cared for you and could trust 100% into someone you just don't recognise.

Prepared to lie not just to your spouse but your parents, children, close friends. Severing ties with those previously very close when they give advise you don't like. Cutting people off that you were previously very close to.

Prepared to use even a sick elderly relative as an alibi.

And being someone although not perfect but was always kind and compassionate into someone so cold and calculating.

Not taking any responsibility for what they are doing, everyone else is wrong. It's everyone else's fault 'I made him cheat' and 'I drove him to it'.

Is that just how a cheater becomes, is that normal?

Do they really not care, are they happy to lose so much just to be with someone they don't really even know?

Are they the previous mostly nice person with the affair partner? Because if they were like they are with everyone else they wouldn't even be interested in them surely?

Can they not see the damage their actions are doing to all those in their wake? Or do they just block it out.

I felt this after my marriage ended. When I threw my cheating ex out I couldn't believe who he turned into. Made up allegations about abuse, totally fabricated events that didn't happen, and still now wants me to sell the house and live on the streets with our kids it seems. All so he can have a couple of grand that I've not got. My mum pointed out to me that actually what I am seeing now is the real Mr X and the one I fell in love with was the fantasy he spun in order to bag himself a wife and some respectability to cover up his real persona. My ex simply doesn't care who he's hurt because he cant see past himself. He has convinced people he was so controlled he was forced to seek another womans company as he was so depressed. but this is the fourth time hes done it as I let him off the first one and he did it twice to his first partner. :(

'He has convinced people he was so controlled he was forced to seek another womans company as he was so depressed.'

The same words that have been used about me, I controlled everything whereas when I look back it was the other way round.

Oh yes and he had depression as well and that was my fault as I was emotionally cold and didn't notice he was suffering.

My mum pointed out to me that actually what I am seeing now is the real Mr X and the one I fell in love with was the fantasy he spun in order to bag himself a wife and some respectability to cover up his real persona.

This. Mum knows.
They just take that mask off and put on a new one for the new dupe love.

Mine also claims I was/am controlling. Well, yeah, my time, my body, my possessions, my own baby, my marital status, the course of my life. Real controlling. 🤔

They take things about them that they know are societally unacceptable and just say "you are that". Just giant developmentally arrested 7 year olds, truly.

But why and how could you be completely different person for over 20 years?

It's like a completely different person.

The person couldn’t resist the excitement and happy hormones they got from the feeling of the affair. Then they twist it in their brains to make it all your fault, so that they don’t need to feel guilty.

I think we perceive that they've changed, but really you never know what anyone is really like - the nicest seeming person can do terrible things

It is really hard to get your head round though.

Sorry this has happened to you. It's pretty crap but it gets better

But why and how could you be completely different person for over 20 years?

It was just a really convincing, well attached mask. Like dentures and polydent. Then, when it suited him, he took it off.

It's like a completely different person.

You just aren't accustomed to the true face yet.
👹👺🤡

Another way to look at this is that for all those years he chose to commit to you, then he chose not to commit and chose to be selfish. I really believe in the concept that we choose to love someone. It’s not that he has changed as a person, it’s that he’s chosen not to be your lover and partner any more.

This happened to me (he had an affair), and my life is now so much better for it, even though it took a few years to recover.

psychcentral.com/blog/love-is-a-choice-more-than-a-feeling/

Interesting article, I guess that's where blaming the other person for all the things they apparently did wrong -even though it was never mentioned before!

What about the lying to everyone and seemingly having no conscience.
I this case his old unwell parents, his DC and his siblings, basically lying to everyone.
How could you do that, just creating a life of lies.

From the perspective of a man, who yes, did cheat.
It's like everything becomes unraveled. For me, anyway, it was my wife who held me together, allowed me to be at least a half-decent person. Without that support, that love, it doesn't work and the parts of me that I don't like are there in the open, for everyone to see. It's not nice, and I do feel like I've changed, and certainly not for the better. My ex would say she doesn't even recognize the person I am now, and neither do i.

I think sometimes we need to look at what control actually is. We often don't see how a female behaves towards a male as control but do see it when a male behaves the same way towards a woman. Here's a few examples.

Controlling money. If a man were to say "what did you spend that on, where did you go and spend this etc" it's seen as control. If a woman does it, she's 'taking care of the finances'.

Controlling your movements. If a man was to keep saying to a woman "who were you out with, where did you go, why can't you be home to bed the kids or you're not doing your hobby twice a week anymore" it's control. If a woman does it, she's making sure he's being a good father and pulling his weight around the house.

Controlling career/work. If a man says to a woman "I want you to stop working late and be home for the kids every night, I don't want you going on that work trip or I don't want you working on that project as it will affect our holiday plans" it's control, he's stopping her from having a career. If a woman does it, she's making sure there's a work/life balance and doing her best for the family.

There's loads more scenarios I could point out such as phone checking and how it's different depending on if you're male or female and things like doing stuff around the house and what is said about it.

So while a lot of people (women) think they aren't controlling, some actually are and don't see it. If the roles were reversed, it would be controlling behaviour on the mans part and the females friends would be patting her back that she found solice in another mans arms that doesn't control her.

That aside, your ex OP doesn't seem to be in this situation at all. He is lying, bare faced lies. He obviously isn't seeing control that you just couldn't see, he is acting this way to shift the blame and guilt. It's hard to get your head around but the only way to get it to make sense to you is to accept that some people are just truly selfish and only care about their own needs. They maybe weren't always like this but something has turned them that way, usually getting their head turned and being addicted to the thrill and everyone and everything else doesn't matter.

But you do matter. One person doesn't think so but that is one (utterly selfish) person out of 7 billion who has had to create a web of lies to be able to sleep at night and not feel like an utterly shit person. Hold your head up high, you don't need to put people down to justify your actions

If a woman was pissing scarce money away on shit, staying out to the silly hours partying, working incredibly late each week night, also out twice a week on a hobby, and then cancelled the family holiday for even more work...she would get ripped to fucking pieces on here there and everywhere.

I mean, her arse would be handed to her in tatters.

Who said pissing needed money away? Staying out until all hours? Cancelling holidays?

I'm talking low scale. Getting on at your partner about ANY money they spend, needing to know where they are, getting on at them for working late SOMETIMES. I've never seen a post on here where a woman has had her arse handed to her for that. But I've seen many a post where a woman has said "my partner does his hobby twice a week and it's really getting in the way and it means I have the kids all day and night both those days" and the pitch forks have came out for her partner and how selfish he is. Not everyone comments in such a way though.

However, it would be interesting to see the reposnses if a woman wrote that her partner was getting on at her for being tired because she does yoga twice a week or goes to a book club and he wants her to stop as he feels it's really getting in the way.

We do look at it differently. We always have and always will

If a woman was going out boozing each week, yoga twice a week, regularly working late and cancelled a holiday for more work, leaving husband to do all housework and look after the kids alone...yes, she'd have strips ripped off her.

Man did the same? There'd be a good proportion of women who would be concerned about HIS stress and overwork. 🤷‍♀️

Women are held to impossible different standards.

Mrbrightside it's very interesting that you say that as he has said he has changed and but for the better.
Can something like that happen without you realising it and then could you not try to change things if you don't like the person that you've become?

I know I need to get over this, move on and forget about him (as much as you can when there are DC caught in the middle of this mess.

But I just understand how someone can change into the polar opposite, lie to everyone and then blame everything on everyone wise taking no responsibility for any of it. I guess this is where the lies just get out of control and breeds more lies, but then what do think you can lie for ever.

Now it's out in the open I hope the fun and the excitement has gone and it all comes crumbling down.

It's sure messed with my head!

@VivaVegas
For me, it wasn't about shifting blame to my ex, but more about not wanting to admit to myself that I was the cause of it.
By the time you actually realize this, as you said, lies breed more lies and you don't know what's been lied about and to whom.
For someone to come out of this situation (man) and say he has changed but for the better, in my opinion, he is either still lying to himself or was really and truly not happy with the person he was before.
I for one was the former. I had everything, and now have nothing, and for what? I didn't even want the OW after I split with my ex, but it is a unique series of events.
For me, it was actually becoming someone who I'm not, realizing it, and now trying to get back to the person I want to be. Not easy when you hurt and upset people so much, but something I want to do and get back who I really am.

Thanks Brightside and I wrote that wrongly, he has said he is not a better person.

He seems to want to be with the OW and has given up/lost all that was up until months ago (allegedly) so important to him.

I guess only time will tell if it was worth it.

@VivaVegas
For me, and for the vast majority (i hope), it will never have been worth it. Ever. The problem is that it makes no difference if it was worth it or not. Everything has changed, the trust has gone, we become different people. I still love my ex with all my heart. I know she doesn't feel the same, why would she? The thing I have to be honest with myself about though is that it makes no difference how I feel. It's about what is best for her and our children. How could I expect her to want to be with me, trust me and be happy with me? I can't, that's not fair and selfish. I have to live with knowing that I caused the marriage breakdown, I am the one that destroyed things and I'm the one having to live with knowing that even though that is the case, I would take it all back in an instant to get back what I had. But that's not going to happen,
I hope things get better for you

Mrbrightside did you at some point think it was worth it though to do what you did?
And at what point did you decide it wasn't worth it?
People keep telling me it won't last, they've both cheated on their long term partner/spouse, they've both lied, both betrayed. It's all built on lies, now that real life kicks in things won't be so exciting.
But I think age they just trying to be kind to me, statistically I know they are right.
I couldn't imagine he would ever do this to me, and just trying to get my head round how this happens.
I don't want him back, I hate him for what he has done, I want his life to all come tumbling down, and I'm not normally a nasty person but that's how I feel.

People don't change, they are just good at presenting the version of themselves they want to present in the circumstances they happen to be in. We all do that all the time to a lesser degree in daily interactions with people. So the answer is sadly that he was always that person who was capable of cheating. He just hadn't done it yet.

VivaVegas, I think, like Mr Brightside, your husband will realise one day that he does love you and made a huge mistake. Most do. However, if that were to happen soon and you took him back, it would trigger him into believing that you'll put up with this sort of behaviour. He needs to suffer in his own guilt for a good while and see that the grass is not greener and you are not waiting in the wings to take him back when he feels like it. That's if you even want him back. I don't believe people are always like that (cheats, nasty) and they hide it well. Circumstances lead them to change and act differently. We know that. For example, a family member dies and people lose control. Someone loses their job and changes. He is who you knew for 20 years, he's just changed to suit himself and be the person this other woman seems to enjoy. He will resurface, just as Mr Brightside did

They may split up in a week or be together for the rest of their lives.

Over time you'll reach a place where you don't really care. You'll just be so glad you're not with him.

@VivaVegas I think that for a split second I thought it was ok, and then realised instantly that it wasn't. Mine is a complicated set of circumstances which included threats and blackmail. But it is all on me for going there in the first place. I have always, always regretted what happened, and dug myself into further lies to stop what I'd done ruining my family. That went on for a long time, and when it all came out, what hurt my ex more than anything was that it was like we had been living a lie. I completely see that now.
After we split, which is a year in 2 weeks, I changed, and not for the better. I have always wanted to sort things out with her, for us to work things out but I know that's not what she wants. Or needs for that matter. I realise what I have done and what I've changed into. I now need to get the "me" back and although I don't for one second think it will ever mean my ex will take me back, she and my children deserve a "me" that they can count on and do the right thing.

@AMAM8916 I have always known the size and scale of the mistakes that I made and what it has done. And I've never once stopped loving my ex.

I know that my choices and actions have caused the life we all now have but every day is heartbreaking, knowing that I can never get back what i once had.