How do people just change when they cheat

[VivaVegas]

That really.

How do people go from being someone that you thought you knew inside out for several decades, that you thought loved you, cared for you and could trust 100% into someone you just don't recognise.

Prepared to lie not just to your spouse but your parents, children, close friends. Severing ties with those previously very close when they give advise you don't like. Cutting people off that you were previously very close to.

Prepared to use even a sick elderly relative as an alibi.

And being someone although not perfect but was always kind and compassionate into someone so cold and calculating.

Not taking any responsibility for what they are doing, everyone else is wrong. It's everyone else's fault 'I made him cheat' and 'I drove him to it'.

Is that just how a cheater becomes, is that normal?

Do they really not care, are they happy to lose so much just to be with someone they don't really even know?

Are they the previous mostly nice person with the affair partner? Because if they were like they are with everyone else they wouldn't even be interested in them surely?

Can they not see the damage their actions are doing to all those in their wake? Or do they just block it out.

You, his elderly parents, his children are all standing in the way of what he believes is the big love affair of his life. His brother/friend saying 'C'mon mate, think. What are you doing? You've got a good life, a lovely wife, are you really going to throw it away?' Annoys him, he doesn't want to hear it, not from anyone. His kids make him feel guilty, but not enough to back track, same with his old mum and dad - all trying to make him stop doing something that he really, really wants to do. But his wife? You get the worst of it, because all of this wouldn't happen if only you'd disappear. If only you'd left him a couple of years ago everyone would be happy for him and his new love. Patting him on the back. So it's all your fault.

In his head he deserves to be happy and in love, and you and your popularity within his circle is stopping him so his vitriol is mostly for you. I'm sorry op, it's shit but you'll bring out the worst in him now.

Over time you'll reach a place where you don't really care. You'll just be so glad you're not with him.

That's the place I need to get to but am struggling with, I have so much anger and hates in me towards him and her.

This is alien to me as I rarely dislike anyone and certainly not to these extremes.

Much as I wouldn't have him back now, the thought of them being together, being intimate, makes me feel sick.

I feel like they are happy and laughing at me, as I fought so long to save the marriage whereas in reality he let me fight for something he had already given away.

In the flip side I feel like they are happy, will be and I will be on my own, lonely and miserable.

I need to big give a damn and leave them to rot in their existence built on lies.

How do I get to that?

Perfpower he has fallen out with several friends of his who have told him he's being an idiot, and taken him to task, and these are friends of 20 or 30 years that he now won't see.

His family also challenged him, tried to talk him out of what he was doing and are also fed up of being lied to. Again, he just avoids them unless he needs something from them and us just downright rude to his poor parents.

And yes me, everything is my fault, he has no part in this, I made him do it, I forced him because I did this and I didn't do that. Yet in 20 years he's never mentioned anything. Not until his head was turned.

@VivaVegas you are not at fault. That is what he is telling himself for justification and so that he can handle the choice(s) he has made. This is all on him, He made the choices and he made the reasons for those choices. But to say that he is happier away from his wife and family makes him a fool. All i can think is that he is going along with this OW as he has messed up the family and has no other choice. He does have a choice. He may not ever have an opportunity at getting back his life from before, but he can be the best he can be for you and any children involved.
Just my thought on it

How long have you been separated?

Told me out of the blue last summer that he was thinking we should split up.
Started sneaking around with OW immediately but aggressively defended the lies I picked up on and said he lwanted us to try to see if we could make it work.
Said he wanted to end it in January but refused to tell DC and get his stuff out (so mixed messages again and I thought maybe he couldn't go through with it). Finally ended it and told the DC at Easter.
Is living on his own as is OW who also became unhappy in her long term relationship at the same time as him 🤔.
Has still been lying and denying up until this week (even when he didn't need to be as now obviously separated) when he was well and truly busted and could lie no more.
It's like he was embarrassed/ashamed to admit what he was doing even when he could do what he wanted..

OP. So sorry that you and your children are going through this.

Although it didn't involve an affair, I had to watch my partner (of many years, and the father of my children) turn into somebody I didn't know. Didn't know, and then certainly didn't like or love. Like you I thought I could trust him to take my side, to put us all first, to be the person I believed him to be. But then he wasn't, and it was devastating.

I've thought about it a lot. I know now that there were parts of his personality and temperament that were lurking to make this possible. All the time life was compatible with his needs, and I fitted into his narrative, these aspects were invisible.We were largely very happy together. When we were severely tested he still wanted his previous life, but couldn't have it because the price was me compromising on everything I believed in, and living a lie from then on.

Our situation also involved several people whom I'd known my whole life, who behaved in ways that tore the masks from them. My very tentative conclusion is that just as we can never truly know ourselves, our knowledge of others is even more limited. There was a finding about military personnel that PTSD is sometimes precipitated by the actions that individuals find themselves capable of whilst in combat, not always what they observe in others. We all have a shadow side. Sometimes it's well integrated, often not; and nobody likes to examine it.

None of the above lessens the pain of what you are going through, or excuses your husband's actions. For me though it's stopped me questioning myself, and constantly picking over why my ex behaved as he did. I know he regrets his actions, and his life is very much not what he wanted. There's no going back, because his behaviour destroyed my feelings for him.

After 4 years I feel pretty neutral towards him. Mainly I just feel sorry for both of us, and mainly of course for our children, who fortunately he sees regularly and maintains a good relationship with. I just view him as a flawed person, as I myself am, who made some dreadful decisions which ultimately cost him really everything.

More things have come out of the woodwork this week, more lies but again not just to me but to his family and our son.
In a way it's good as I've moved into a space where I feel indifferent to him, no feelings for him but am just so angry for all the lies.
He has now lost the respect of a lot of people, is losing his close friends with his behaviour and at this rate will just be left with her, so basically is alienating himself from all the things that were previously important to him for her.
She doesn't have any friends and isn't well liked so maybe that's what they both want to just have each other.

Google Chump Lady. Lots of ideas, support and laughs.

This site really helped me get my head around the complete personality change that my husband appeared to go through www.runawayhusbands.com.

Exactly what Perfpower said. I'm several years on, ex has married ow and claims he is happy with her. But has just told me in a Iong email that he chose to lose his kids over staying with me, that I was so awful and controlling he couldn't possibly have stayed. Entirely coincidental that he had this epiphany at precisely the same time he slipped and fell into her bed. We do not Co parent well because he frames every thing I ask him to do as an attempt to manipulate him (like take dc to an appointment). What everyone has said in here is spot on. The only thing you can do is give it time and eventually you will be indifferent. In my case it took about 15 months and occurred during a specifuc text exchange where he was being particularly unpleasant and I realised I wasn't sad he'd left and didn't care what he thought. You'll get there, but it is hard.

Hear you OP and relate to many of the comments here. ATM going through divorce. Killing myself to make ends meet and keep paying the mortgage holding down a difficult job, caring for children and very seriously ill parents (mum terminal) and my attempt to get a fair deal from STBXDH is seen by him as me 'not being happy until you bleed me dry'. For all his faults STBXDH was a good dad, paying at least his fair share and doing at least his fair share of childcare and domestic work. Now he's buggered off, on woman number 5 or 6 since he left in December and doing no childcare or domestic work whatsoever, he sees giving money to support the children as giving into my manipulation and driving the kids from a to b, pretty much the only thing I ask of him in terms of support for the children, as being exploited by me (and somehow the kids!?). He is unrecognizable and it's shocking.

But has just told me in a Iong email that he chose to lose his kids over staying with me, that I was so awful and controlling he couldn't possibly have stayed.

Sounds suspiciously like he hasn't moved on at all. 🤔

Well done on not giving a shit anymore he seems to give enough shits for the both of you.

I have been asking myself this question all day @VivaVegas my (D)H has treated me so appallingly, with layers of betrayal & humiliation I never imagined were possible. After 19 years together he left 6 days ago so it is all still extremely raw. When I was telling a friend IRL what had gone on I really did wonder to myself why on Earth I was so upset about losing such an arsehole but he was never like this before he got involved with the OW. He was always a loving husband, flawed yes, but I still loved him and I thought he loved me too. We hit a rocky patch but I always thought we loved each other enough to find a way through. That man has now gone, I don't know who this new man is, he is a stranger to me. He admits himself he doesn't know who he is anymore, just that he knows he is happy with OW and that he had to do what made him happy.

You have my sympathy Shinsplints it's horrible at first.
I honestly just don't know how someone can change so much and just throw everything away after such a long time for someone they barely know.