Custody for SAHM (Dad asking)

[justbeingadad]

Wife and I are getting divorced - she ended it a few months ago, but at the moment it still makes financial sense to live together - we lead very separate lives though. Not sure it's significant, but she is already seeing someone else.

As she is currently a stay at home mum with a small side income of a couple of hundred £/month, she has indicated that she expects to get custody of the children following divorce and I see them only 1 or 2 days a week. She won't be staying in the family home, we'll most likely sell it as there isn't enough money to run this + another house without some serious compromises which otherwise wouldn't be required.

My job has historically meant I had to work away a lot - 4/5 days a week, sometimes 3 weeks a month, however this shouldn't be the case in the future and I would change jobs and take a significant pay cut if it comes down to it so that I have an equal relationship with my children.

Am I being naive to believe that we should be going for 50/50 custody?

I'm very concerned that over time my children will see me as someone they "visit".

Anyone have any experience of this - does a SAHM have an elevated claim to custody based on the fact they've stayed at home with the children more? Kids will probably be 4 & 7 by the time this is all sorted.

I hate that people use contact to improve their finances it should be about what is best for the children which will change over time and maybe even be different for different children. Parents who think they can live off CM until kids are 18 forget that by 14 children have strong opinions of their own about how they spend their time

When choosing a job be fair about workdays and childcare costs don’t game the days to improve your wage as that will make your children’s mother poorer. My ex does this works full time and has kids on weekends so I cannot earn a full wage. If you want her to work then you have to accept she has an equal right to a career as you do

Running a single parent household on £50k inc mortgage, car, school trips, childcare would mean a much more modest lifestyle than you are used to. But children would rather have their parents time than money. But £50k doesn’t go as far as you may think

She can get benefits now as a single person so don’t fund her lifestyle. Separate your finances

Don’t underestimate the number of times you will be called out of work on ‘your’ days to cover sickness, snow, teacher training days etc. Flexible employment is worth a lot (unless there are willing grandparents or you can afford an au pair / nanny!)

Good luck with what you decide. Children do best where there is not huge financially inequality between the parents - no child wants to see their parent go without. But it sounds like she may move on to someone new soon anyway

Do spend as much time with your kids as they can as you are right being a weekend dad and not doing the ordinary every day things does change the relationship. My ex is more like a favourite uncle than a parent now.

You can always choose to pay more than the CM calculator says. Don’t make contact and finances linked. Tell her those are two different things

"Don't fund her lifestyle" wtaf?

Bringing up children alone is not a fucking lifestyle. It's how the next generation makes it to adulthood to be functional enough to look after is in our old age. It's called society, get over it.

How is going out with your mates and new flame 'several nights a week' anything to do with raising children alone? Leaving someone and expecting them to fund this for you is just a bare faced cheek really. Keeping the KIDS in what they're accustomed to is a must but not your ex wife. That should never be expected. If you end a relationship, you end them 'looking after you'. No one should ever expect to fund their personal lifestyle off the back of CM

Everyone on this thread seems to have totally ignored the fact the OP's ex wife was messaging other men during the marriage and refused to work. Her refusal to work put the sole financial burden on the OP so she wanted it both ways? I don't get how he made mistakes? He gave his wife what she wanted (to be a stay at home mum) and she did the dirty. How can anyone defend this and say the OP is 'playing tricks' and 'pulling stunts' and she had left to 'make him a better husband and father?'

She could have gotten off her bum and worked herself if she wanted a husband and father that was around more but it seems that isn't what she wants as she's dumped him and doesn't want him having 50/50. I really don't get the selective reading on these threads. And no, he shouldn't be paying for her to go and have date nights with her new boyfriend. She can take care of that herself. The word entitled springs to mind

I'd take everything to OP has said about his wife with a pinch of salt to be honest. I'm sure the wife has a completely different story to tell and the truth is somewhere in between. I don't for one minute think she 'refused' to go back to work in the manner the OP has stated. She also has her own business on the side earning a few hundred £'s a month so isn't entirely pennyless and reliant on the OP to ' fund her lifestyle'.

Everyone on this thread seems to have totally ignored the fact the OP's ex wife was messaging other men during the marriage

Probably because it's entirely irrelevant to what residence and financial arrangements is best for the children....

OP is legally obliged to pay a certain percentage of his income to his ex to support his children. There will be a further financial settlement to be agreed upon divorce. What the ex spends it on is nothing to do with OP. She also earns don't forget, and OP indicates her business is likely to grow.

You're right about there being his side and hers then the truth but we have to go on what the OP is saying. He did say further up that she is still using his wages to go out and things and he doesn't think it's right. I agree with that, it isn't right. I also don't think you can move on from a marriage where there was 2 kids in less than 3 months without dabbling long before the marriage ends.

She is totally entitled to half the house, half of everything or a little more even to make sure she can keep a home for the kids as they were partners and she did her bit at home while he was able to work and I said that above. But she can't end the marriage, start a new relationship and still tell the OP what to do and have him funding her luxuries, especially with a new boyfriend. It's totally not moral.

If I was deeply unhappy in my relationship (as most are suggesting she must have been), I'd end the marriage and focus on my kids, contact, finances etc, not strike up a new relationship as soon as I possibly could. It just complicates matters and shows your priorities aren't in the best place. We're quick to sympathise with women who get ditched out of a marriage then their husband has someone new on the scene without a blink. If that woman was also paying for the dates for her husband to go with the new woman, people would go crazy

I read your last thread .

You need to separate what you want and what is best for the children .

I would say if you are away 3/4/5. Days a week you are definitely already not there for many things school plays/ parents evenings. Are you in a position to take leave when kids are off sick , can you manage 50% of school by, doctors , dentist appointments ?

You talk about everything been replicated in both homes , but you are planning ex to have to provide everything too.

I think you need to look at your current situation not one you hope to be in.