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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

I’m worried he’s going to take all of my money

61 replies

Anon1202 · 29/07/2019 17:37

My husband and I have been married for 2.5 years and have 2 children (1 and 3 years old). When I was pregnant with DS2 I found a number of explicit messages and photos and despite him saying he wouldn’t do it again I have caught him messaging other women again. I tried to stick at it for the sake of the boys but in November last year I realised that I couldn’t carry on. In March of this year I asked for a divorce and he has refused. He wants us to try and so I’ve tried and tried but I just don’t love him and can’t try as hard as he wants me to. I feel heartbroken and so disrespected.

I am the main breadwinner and earn over £100K whereas he earns circa £40K. I own our marital home and pay all of the mortgage, bills, childcare, food etc and he contributes £485 a month to circa £3,500 of monthly outgoings that I pick up. I also have a loan in my name for his debts that he pays me back on a monthly basis. I have a healthy pension and savings for my children’s future. He has only contributed minimal amounts to a pension despite my pushing him to pay more.

I start a new job soon and will be relocating. My plan is to go with the children but without him and buy the next house on my own again. I am aware he could claim matrimonial home rights and I am scared he will not sign the sale contract but if he doesn’t then I cannot start my new job and therefore I won’t be able to pay the mortgage on our current home with no job (I’m already working my notice at my current job).

I understand that he can legally claim 50/50 but is there any leniency when it’s clear that I have paid for everything with minimal contribution? I have built up our family, assumed his debt, loaned him countless amounts of money and generally done everything I can to get him in financially better state. I haven’t done anything wrong here and have always prioritised my family.

I have offered to pay off his loan (the one in my name) which is circa £18K and also to not demand any child maintenance at all for the rest of the children’s lives. This amounts to circa £65K until they are 16 but I anticipate them both going to uni and so he would need to pay for another 4 years, circa £20K. This will give him £1,000 a month back in his paypacket to rent a place and will allow us a clean break but he wants to fight it in court. I am so scared that all of my money, savings, house, pension etc will need to be split 50/50 which seems so unfair just because I’ve been financially savvy and worked hard to get a good job and saved like an idiot!!

Has anyone had experience of this and can help to settle my mind?! I’m hoping to see a solicitor on Tuesday. Many thanks!

OP posts:
ADarkandStormyKnight · 30/07/2019 13:50

Maybe look here if this doesn't feel right.

survivingeconomicabuse.org/

OliviaHarrison · 30/07/2019 13:53

I also think the move will be the problem.

1 hour 10 mins is quite substantial especially at your dc ages when he will be expected to care for the dc regularly and for short periods so that their relationship is continued. It is different for older children who would typically share overnights and maybe able to work around longer distances.

Do you need to relocate so far away from him? Can you compromise and relocate closer?

Original poster
Anon1202 · 30/07/2019 14:15

Hi everyone,

Thank you for all of your replies so far. I really appreciate your inputs and value the different opinions on everything. My children mean everything to me and I have stuck in this marriage for far longer than I should have to try and do what’s right for them but ultimately I don’t want them to grow up in a household where we are not happy. I would never intentionally do anything to deprive them of their father and I will do everything in my power for them to maintain a relationship with him. I appreciate the comments about moving away but he has known about this move since January and has known we have been on the rocks since March and has never said he doesn’t want it to happen. In fact he has told me that he’ll just leave and go and live abroad to which I’ve gone mad and told him to think of the kids but he said he needs to think of himself. I disagree but what can I say.

A lot of my savings have come from the passing of my sister and dad and so partly why I am so protective of that money. My monthly savings have been used to fund two maternity leaves (I only got SMP so I had to save enough to pay all of the outgoings, food etc), holidays for us and I also paid for our entire wedding with no financial support from anyone. I don’t want to see him struggle and that is why by offering to take his loan and forgoe child maintenance I thought I was was being fair. I understand that I may need to work on this number but I want to make sure he has enough on a monthly basis so he can rent a decent place for when the kids visit. He will fritter away a lump sum (on his lifetime trip abroad to “think of himself” no doubt!).

Thanks again!

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 30/07/2019 14:21

My dh is a high earner and his ex only worked part time for a couple of years. She ended up with the house anyway that she had not contributed to.
Get a really good lawyer as others have said. As least it was only a short marriage so that will be go in your favour. I think the move could be viewed quite unfavourably though.

Quartz2208 · 30/07/2019 14:33

Are you saying that the majority of savings is inheritance as they are not considered to be marital property therefore would not be include in any split (even if it was 50/50)

Original poster
Anon1202 · 30/07/2019 14:51

Yes @Quartz2208 a lot of it is inheritance but also my own savings and so I’d need to go back through my accounts to prove the inheritance part so it’s a bit complicated as I put it all into the same pot and used some of it for a deposit on this house (I own it, purchased before we married but we were together). I am due some more inheritance in about 2 weeks as my mum and dads house was transferred into mine and my brothers name as per dads Will and we are selling it and buying mum a new home so the sale proceeds are to be split 3 ways.

OP posts:
Fluandseptember · 30/07/2019 14:53

'short marriage' is less than 6 yrs, but apparently cohabitation can be taken into account

hadthesnip2 · 30/07/2019 15:13

You still haven't answered the big question OP. How long have you 2 been together..? Makes a difference to the calculations as pp above says.

Scorpiovenus · 30/07/2019 15:16

Yea short 2 year relationship say he was emotionally blackmailing you financially so you took him in and he bit the hand that fed him.

Remind the judge that you gave this male a life and a good one and he deserves nothing tbh. I bet you did all the hard work while he ran about chatting up POS.

I hope you win OP don't let him have anything.

NotBeingRobbed · 30/07/2019 15:19

The law is really perverse. The person who put in the least takes out the most. If you’ve propped up a
Spendthrift then they can claim that’s the standard of living they are used to. It’s so, so wrong! Yes I can see a SAHM left with kids needs providing for but you have the kids. Good luck!

ButterflyWitch · 30/07/2019 15:27

Fingers crossed for you OP.
I've nothing to contribute other than to say than a distance of 1hr 10mins is nothing! It's a normal commute for most people, please don't feel that moving an hour away means you are moving an inordinate distance away

Original poster
Anon1202 · 30/07/2019 15:56

Oh dear, sorry @hadthesnip2, we met in December 2014, moved in together February 2015, married in March 2017 so we've been together 4.5 years.

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 30/07/2019 16:16

In fact he has told me that he’ll just leave and go and live abroad

Typical sulky manchild response. He knows you would rather he had a relationship with the children so he is using this as a threat to make you stay. But if you do go then he gets to disappear and say “you knew the deal before you left”. Putting the blame for their non existent relationship on you.

Be sure of one thing OP if he doesn’t see the DC after you leave it will be entirely on him. Be willing to drive them to him where you currently live or if he moves closer, but if he disappears, that’s on him. Not you.

I bet he threatened suicide when you found out about the texts/other women?

Original poster
Anon1202 · 30/07/2019 21:14

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart yes, he did!! Or at least he told me he couldn’t live without me and didn’t know what he would do. He made idle threats that he would be so depressed and would just give up or do something silly. Clearly I don’t want that, jeez, not for him but most importantly for the kids! It’s innately selfish...but that seems to be a consistent theme...

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 30/07/2019 22:08

Yep. They follow a script. I know the type (I ever escaped the type)

If he is anything like the one I escaped then it’s all hot air. He doesn’t actually care all that much about the DC, but will tell all and sundry that you’re keeping him from them despite you bending over backwards to make sure he sees them. I spent 12 years trying to maintain relationship between my ex and DCs. When I stopped forcing it he stopped turning up. He hasn’t seen them in 2 years. We’ve had no explanation as to why. He just didn’t come one day and we haven’t seen or heard from him since. (He’s definitely still alive and living very locally)

Beansandcoffee · 30/07/2019 22:21

What happens if he decides to go for 50:50 child care?

testingtesting111 · 30/07/2019 22:41

Close relative had a husband like this. They're divorced now - in hindsight it wasn't her he wanted. He just enjoyed the security and financial benefit of having his salary as his own disposable income. I've heard post divorce has been a rude awakening. X

testingtesting111 · 30/07/2019 22:42

Apologies didn't mean to sign off "x". 🤦‍♀️

NoSquirrels · 30/07/2019 22:48

Will he contest custody? Who is the primary caregiver? In most cases it isn’t actually the higher earner...

If he’s likely to want 50-50 childcare or the children to live with him then it’s a different conversation.

wibbletooth · 30/07/2019 23:18

If he has made suicide threats, even (especially?)!) if you think they are being made to manipulate you/the situation, can you do something at the time to report him so that it’s on record?

Either way doesn’t play out well for him - either you send police out to make a welfare check and they find him attempting/contemplating suicide so they can take him to safety for his own protection and he them needs to prove he is safe to look after the dc. Or the police get there to him have beer, a pizza and a box set, obviously making unfounded threats to scare/worry/control his ex and that will look bad too.

Karwomannghia · 08/08/2019 08:10

How’s it going OP? What did the solicitor say?

Weenurse · 10/08/2019 06:02

How did your appointment go?

NosyBe2006 · 10/08/2019 06:12

Why do high earning women attach themselves to much lower earning men? Have they not seen numerous examples in the press how successful men have been taken to the cleaners by non working and non contributing wives over the last few decades?

Strange

stucknoue · 10/08/2019 06:25

You will probably need to rent, you must see a solicitor, it won't be 50/50 on such a short marriage

NotBeingRobbed · 10/08/2019 10:05

@NosyBe2006 why does anyone fall for it? Because we are taught not to value someone only for their money, we believe in love and want to build a family....we are tricked of course. The law then treats us unfairly.