Anyone newly separated?

[bushes]

DH and I made the decision at the weekend that our relationship is not salvageable. We've tried for a very long time. Haven't told the DCs yet. This is for the best but it's fucking raw and horrible. I feel sick.

Anyone else in these early days and fancy a solidarity thread?

It's all so predictable isn't it? Funny how women look inwards when a relationship breaks down and men look outside! I'm 95% sure my H doesn't have anyone else but there's just that niggle, probably not helped by reading all the threads on here!

Re telling your DCs there's a good article on the Relate website which gives age appropriate pointers.

Hope everyone gets through the day

3 weeks here, telling the DC at the weekend and absolutely dreading it. He moves out next Thursday. Do not want this to happen at all but I can’t stop it.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t anyone else but the speed and certainty at which he’s willing to throw away our family life together and move in somewhere else does have me wondering. The worst part is we’ve started telling people (respective parents etc) everyone is asking why and I can’t even answer that myself, he just says he’s had enough and it’s over. I/we aren’t worth putting any effort into to make things right.

@Yesbutno thanks for the article pointer - I will go and have a read of that.

We had a massive argument yesterday afternoon. He seems to be taking the split in his stride whereas I'm so concerned about what the future looks like for the DC (and, selfishly, me).

We have a huge family event today where we'll have to be all smiles and pretend everything is absolutely fine. Brilliant.

How is everyone doing?

It's all so shit isn't it? I felt really tearful last night. I'm angry that he hasn't contacted me apart from his calendar invite for coffee but I really don't want to see him at the moment. DCs told me (separately) they're not even bothered he's not here which is telling of their relationship with him!

properbobbins what is his reasoning- why has he had enough? How old are your DCs?

wishing you all strength to get through another day...

@bushes having done about 3 of these now (he told me at the BEST time..) it’s manageable but depressing....

I split from my ex in April. It's been the hardest 4 months I could ever imagine. I'm staring to feel better about things now but he pisses me off with the way he's going about things which really upsets me.

Just want it over with

@Properbobbins that's the hardest bit, telling people but not understanding why yourself. 3 months in and I still don't understand why he left, never mind having to explain to someone else.

Listen up girls.Shake yourselves and give yourselves a clap.Stop asking yourselves why why why .
It doesn’t matter why to be honest.what matters is that it’s been done.
It’s easier for the person who takes the first move ,..says me who did.
My so called marriage was the unhappiest loneliness place ever.More so with the added pressure of a child with massive needs.
I hate him truly for so many things.
It’s so easy to think things are fine when there not .To get a reality check ask your self and write it down what was good what wasn’t .
Ask your friends....One
Thing I knew for sure was if at any time I unfortunately had an illness where I needed daily support would he be there for me the answer was a resounding NO.
not sure about your ages but if your premenopausal go to your Gp for support and guidance,HRT WAS and is a game changer .my ability to focus and think through logically came into place it got me to move my boots and actually do something about my hell of a married life.Mind you we hadn’t had sex for over 8 years.
Kid you not I’m looking forward to a good shag in the future,tell me is this a marriage.
I’m in my 50 next birthday 54..but one has to live Fortunately I have a full time job that has always given me sanity and I just bury my head in my work and at home focus on my child then it’s so much easier.My older ones are so pleased that I’ve done the right thing.Mummy they say it’s so good you’ll be your happy self again ,mum your really looking great ,oh mum we are proud .There is nothing like living with, purpose true purpose.
We cannot be reliant on another human being for happiness.
This pain will go away in time .
For one don’t go on any tea date that’s been set on his terms .He says jump ,you jump no that’s got to change .
We live for such a short time who knows tomorrow .Make everyday count make a plan take a good hard look at yourself and what your purpose is.
It’s going to get easier don’t be hard on yourself don’t ask why. The answers been hanging around, for some time take the new phase in life as a blessing ,a golden opportunity to make things right for yourself and your children if you do have any.
I hope I haven’t come across as harsh but sometimes a sharp shock is needed to focus on what’s ahead.
Almost said put your helmet on and get ready for the kill ,but that wouldn’t be politically correct lol in reality start thinking of your financial futures.

I am about 3 weeks in and it's vile. it was a horrid relationship and I gave it everything I could numerous times but I still keep thinking about what could have been... he keeps making demands on seeing our son which is fine but I get the impression he's doing it to hurt me rather than see our son. plus, whenever he comes round to get our son he's awkward and won't tell me where he's taking him or what he's up to. it's a vile vile situation and I really hope it gets easier...

@blammers That sounds really hard

Can I join in? I’m 2 months in since he told me it was over. Still living together. He’s going to move out by end of September. Im really struggling to cope. I’m due to be made redundant at the end of the year so can’t afford to get my own place with the kids, without a permanent job. I’ve agreed to rent the house from him for the short term. Not told the kids yet. He’s sleeping soundly in another room. I’ve got yet another night of insomnia.

I’m so sorry to hear that so many people are having a horrid time right now.

Hi @Littlesteps45 I couldn't sleep last night either. It's shit isn't it. He was out on the piss with god knows who and I'm just lying there like a mug. I feel really angry today.

Hi @bushes. for you too. After 2 months, my anger hasn’t reduced at all towards him. I was really hoping (for my own wellbeing) it would have done. It seems that he isn’t going through that overwhelmed, terrified, daunted, stomach churning emotions that I am. I’m angry with him for a years of difficult relationship, for breaking us up and for not ‘feeling’. I hope you (and everyone else) have a good day and find some little rays of sunshine in there.

@Littlesteps45 - waiting until the end of September sounds a long way off. If you are renting from him you will struggle to get help for housing benefit. Why not use the summer break to find somewhere for you and your dcs?

It seems that he isn’t going through that overwhelmed, terrified, daunted, stomach churning emotions that I am.

^ THIS. 100%.

On the plus side, I reckon I've lost about half a stone in a week

Hi, can I join in? It’s been two weeks, I can barely function, it’s gut wrenching and I keep thinking I’m gonna wake up. He was the love of my life, married 6 months ago but issues with my kids caused him to just walk out. He tells me he loves me every day by text, but won’t discuss the future. I got to bed every night wishing he was there... we were a very cuddly tactile couple, and wake every morning with the panic and shock that he’s not here. I can’t imagine ever getting over this, my world has been ripped apart

@Funnylady123 Sorry you find yourself here. Hug and a handhold.

Hello all ....
I am a mum of 2 and decided to separate... is so hard I don’t have a idea how to talk to my 14 old boy about this please any help ???
I am feeling broken don’t want him to suffer even more guilty because I am the one to make the decision ......

Hello all, sad about the reasons I’m joining this thread but glad you’re all here for mutual support. Our relationship has been crap for a while (together 13 years, 2 DS of 6 and 4) but after a week of heavy drinking, I decided to confront him and instead of accepting there is a problem and agreeing to do something about it, he decided to pull the plug and said he’d been planning it for a year. No emotion, all detachment and pragmatism. It’s been 4 hours. I’m numb. Sorry that you’re all going through this. It’s shit but inevitable.

I'm about 4 months out from the decision, 6 weeks from him moving out.

Even though the split was mutual, and mostly amicable, it's hard. His stuff is still in the house. And after a massive argument over money yesterday, he wants to move back in and have me move out, and he'll be the primary carer. Frankly it would be easier just to munch some pills.

I'm seeing a psychologist for mental health difficulties. She says that grief creates a hole in your heart. Through time, the hole either gets smaller and easier to 'ignore' or it stays the same size and other things surround it and smooth the edges so you hardly notice it's there.

Anyway, I hope that helps someone. I'm going to fight the urge to do something stupid.

X

Hi @Poxymummy: I didn’t want to read and run. You’re getting help and you have support here. Please remember that and be kind to yourself. He’s acting like an arsehole and it will work against him in the courts. Have you started proceedings yet? Do you have supportive friends and family around?
I’m here if you want a chat. You will get through this. xx

Looks like I am or about to be. Confronted DH last night over his close friendship with a work colleague. I’ve seen messages on his phone telling each other how much they miss each other- nothing else but I suspect they’ve all been deleted - these ones left as they’re not written in English.
He’s not gonna go easily, but I’m pretty sure when he does go, he’ll go with nothing. And that includes the DCs. Which makes it so hard for me as I don’t want the dcs to resent me for the split, but I can’t live a lie and have him making a fool of me.
He admits offering the OW a lot of support in issues she’s having, none of which he’s really told me about. She sounds a bit unhinged if what he tells me is true. But then it could be that the other side to the story is that her friends are aware of their relationship and disapprove.
I doubt I’ll ever know the truth, I just need to be strong and do what’s right for me and dcs.

I'll be ok, chocochick :) there's no life insurance for DC if I kill myself, so one day at a time.

The important part of the post was about the grief circle, and how it might always be there, but it won't be as raw a wound.

for you all ladies. Re-read Palaver1's post again and again, it might help. I've made a list on my phone of the things he's done over the years that didn't make me feel happy and I keep reading.

I've busied myself this weekend decluttering and watching Netflix.

I still haven't heard from him though, we agreed he would contact me so thought if he was missing me or feeling down he might, but no! He's contacted the DCs every day so that's something but I'm now thinking all sorts!

I'm not meeting him this week - will decline his invite tomorrow. He can't be bothered to text me so I'm too angry, and it's too awkward to meet in our lunch hour and then go back to work anyway! He probably won't like it and will then blame me for not "trying"

Chin up lovely ladies -we can get through this shit!