Anyone newly separated?

[bushes]

DH and I made the decision at the weekend that our relationship is not salvageable. We've tried for a very long time. Haven't told the DCs yet. This is for the best but it's fucking raw and horrible. I feel sick.

Anyone else in these early days and fancy a solidarity thread?

[cantbeatfreshsheets]

It's bloody hard! I left with the kids at 4 and three months. No one else involved for us I was just pretty darn miserable for a few years. I have my ups and downs I won't lie but i know i don't miss him. Just the family unit. Been hard seeing friends having family holidays while we are navigating this emotional mess. Some times on my low days I weaken and think what am I doing. But then I look back at my journal and see how miserable I was. Life goes on. I want my kids to see a happy version of me and him as they rightly deserve. If that happens to be separate then that's how it has to be. I have a good support network but Christ it's been hard. He gets undisrupted sleep every night and has the older child sometimes at weekends until we finalise arrangements but I can't help but feel resentment towards him for that. It was my decision to leave but the alternative to stay wasn't an option for me. Great dad, shite husband. Seeing a solicitor tomorrow without him knowing so we can do this without him pissing me around. Wish me luck and same to all of you. We get one chance at a happy life. Hope in itself Is my driving force and my kids. My inner gut tells me all I need to know.....!! Stay strong xx

[Onabusgoingnowhere]

Posted above but then saw this thread. Years of emotional abuse & manipulation here & I finally got to that place where I just know we’re done but I feel terrified & sick but numb all at the same time.

We’re going to have to live together while selling house but we’ve lived like lodgers for the last year anyway so we just have to be civil. I am dreading telling our older girls. They know it’s been toxic but ileill still be devastated. Keep thinking I should have just sucked it up for their sakes 😔

[mamamiaow]

I am 2 weeks in from the discussion to split. Emotional and raw. The thought of not seeing my child every day is truly painful. I have a constant sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I cannot concentrate at work. But I do have a list (like others) that I’ve been collating for a year and it is keeping me semi sane. It’s so hard to keep it together. My daughter asked tonight why I face the wall when I’m lying beside her in bed (it’s so she doesn’t see my tears).

[WhiteWriting]

@Shinsplints - yes, I am also dealing with an estranged spouse who has cut all contact. My story - Separated for 10 months but I have recently found out about an OW. After blaming me for the divorce, saying he was forced to leave and telling both me and the mediator that he was living at his parents he has now disclosed on documentation he would not sign in front of me that he is planning to cohabit! I didn't even know he was in a relationship but it must be serious and long term if he is declaring it on advice from his lawyer. Like you, I had/have no idea and am filling in the gaps. It's torturous.

[Myusernameisthiss]

I expect my husband to have lied to his family pretending he wanted the marriage to work too.

I found out he slept with this women before too.
I'll never ever understand cheating. What goes through their heads to be so cruel to another person and knowingly hurt them so much?
I was a trusting person. I had no reason not to be and I know now I'm going to have a hard time trusting anyone or letting anyone into my life.
My children don't deserve this.

They know what they're doing and are happy to do it. It's pure evil.
I want to know every single thing he did, but I'll never know.

[krkw]

My husband pulled the same stunt. Told his family he was with me working on our marraige but he was sleeping with another woman. One of those times he was meant to be with me our daughter was crying for him and he ignored the phone because he was with her

[Myusernameisthiss]

I today found out that last night when he should have been here trying to fix our marriage, he was trying to talk to one of the women he had an affair with. I am glad he didn't come, he will never change.

[Shinsplints]

Is anyone else struggling with not knowing anything about their estranged spouse's new life? I find it so odd that after so long together that I don't know where he lives, what his life is like now or anything. My imagination is filling in the gaps with his perfect happy new life it's easier for him because I'm still in our house, doing the same things, with no new partner, there are no unknowns for him to deal with. Not that he would care anyway!

[krkw]

It seems like a script they all use huh. I'm still with my husband but he's cheated, lied and broke up with me 5 times in a couple month. Same bs excuses but insists he's not blaming me or trying to be the victim. He's turned most the people he is close against me but is pissed I don't make an effort with them.

[Truckerwife]

This is the 4th day. Our marriage cannot be resolved. I am so upset, cant sleep

[Myusernameisthiss]

I also can't believe how many of these posts I've read that are practically describing my ex husband!
It's all my fault he cheated
He hated the house we lived in
He hated the town we lived in
He's depressed
I made him leave his friends and family
Blah blah blah. All excuses. He was trying to use anything to make himself a victim. If he had so many problems, he should be communicating with me.
He had counselling and is on anti depressants and he lied and lied about how he felt to them.

[Myusernameisthiss]

It's been 5 months since I found out he had an affair on and off since we met. Even then i wanted to try. Really thought our marriage was worth fighting for.
I obviously feel stupid and gullible now!
We tried and he lied and lied over and over. I didn't see any of it at the time.

It's been 6 weeks now since I asked for a few days space. 6 weeks since he started being a total twat to me. Most days ignoring me, others telling me life isn't worth living without me, other days saying it's all my fault and most of the time lieing through his teeth.
I gave him one last chance to try and work his shit out. His dad saw me in town last night and told him so he pretended he came to my house as he knew I wasn't in. I think so he could make me feel one last bit of pain and blame....
I promised him if he didn't find a way to come this weekend we would be over and her never hear from me again.
He obviously didn't come. But I'm glad. The longer it's been, the less I've worried about being a single mother. I did it before and can do it again.
I've had 6 weeks to really look back at our relationship and see all the holes and the lies. I was a great wife and he was and still is an awful man.
The pain doesn't stop even knowing this though.

I feel so sad that we have to go through this. No one deserves this pain.

[VivaVegas]

Shinsplints yes it's funny how it isn't their fault, it is us that failed by not giving them what they needed and forcing them to have an affair!
No, they chose to do it because they could, if they were unhappy or unfulfilled in their relationship they could and should have spoken up about it.
My STBEH claimed he had been unhappy for years but didn't tell me as I'm hard to talk to!!
Rewriting history so they can justify their actions.
So selfish and so cruel.

[Shinsplints]

Yes @bushes I am in early days of split and it is horrific. I am in shock & disbelief but tears are now giving way to pure rage. It's been 10 days since he left and started his relationship with his affair partner. I think I expected him to realise he'd made a huge mistake by now but he can barely hide how happy and "in love" he is. He is also blaming me for the affair and parading around like a victim in all this. He was just a poor unloved unappreciated man (ie not enough sex) that this "happened to", not an adult married man that made a choice to have an emotional affair and fall in love with someone. I am so angry.

[enyaheadress]

Hello, I separated in early July but only today decided to look on mumsnet for suggestions and support. Firstly, you all sound brave and awesome dealing with this.

I’m struggling to come to agreements with Soon to be ex-H. He resents me getting legal advice and after initially wanting to move the 3 kids back to London, he has agreed to move on his own. He hates where we live right now. He now wants to be able to drop by anytime he wants, collect kids one day on the weekends.AIBU to not agree to that? I have proposed him staying every other weekend while I leave. Instead he wants to take them out for fun days every weekend. I will then supervise homework, chores etc. 😕 the entire process is draining. I hope it gets better when he moved on 1 Sept.

[BearO1]

In the same boat
H is depressed and hating where we live. Resonates me cause it's where I'm from and have family friends here. It's all came put the blue. He says there isn't anyone else.
He left 3 days ago into rented place.
I'm at home with 2 kids 2y and 6y.
Totally heartbroken. I'm trying to be supportive but getting angry now.
He says he will go get help and needs time to see if he misses me.
Just dont know if I am coming or going...heads all.over the place.

[icanbreathagain]

Should I go to see a solicitor to help organise short term finances? I don't know what to do!

[3gingerboys]

Hi all sending massive hugs, it's hurts so much when it ends. I think my marriage is finally over tonight, been on the cards since December and massive row tonight where I think he's finally accepted I won't change my mind (years of selfishness, cruel comments and lack of support etc etc). It really hurts though even when you know it's right. Been living together very awkward but he's talking about going now. Scares me but time to move forward. Sending love to all x

[Slamdunkdafunkay]

Yeah this living together business is difficult. H said to me this morning: ‘so we really are separating?’ Everything is blurry now. I wish I didn’t feel so damn lonely. This feels like some kind of deep unhappiness. My family doesn’t know.

[bushes]

It's so hard when you're still living together.

H is moving out on Sunday.

[Slamdunkdafunkay]

Very recent here too & very grey as we are still living together so I’m worried I’ll go back on the decision.

So scared. Haven’t slept all night.

Anyone else feel like they're living in a completely different reality? YES!

[icanbreathagain]

I am two weeks in. Currently on a break, my decision. I could not stand the toxic arguments and controlling behaviours anymore! When my daughter cried herself to sleep I knew I was going to end it. I don't love him and I was honest and told him so. The reason we're on a break rather than a final split is because I need to get through the summer. I need to be at home with my girls for it to be final. Otherwise I will worry what he is up to whilst I'm out of the country!

[Littlesteps45]

I also did something similar to @Palaver1a while ago. I wrote a list of all the awful things he’s done and a list of all the names he’s called me. Whenever I really need a reminder of why this will be for the best one day (it wasn’t me who ended it), I read the list again and tell myself however awful I feel now, our relationship was unhealthy and detrimental to my wellbeing. If you haven’t done one, it may help you as well.

[Littlesteps45]

@Monelondon I’ve just got a book that was recommended to me about talking to the children. It’s by Relate and it’s called ‘how to help your children cope with your divorce’ I’m planning to read it tomorrow night so will let you know if it’s any good or not

[Purplecatshopaholic]

I split with my cheating twat of a husband a few months ago after 25years. His loss. Upset, yes, but there is no way I am having a cheater back. Onwards and upwards