Does this seem fair?

[sringinthestep]

Im newly separated and just wanted to see if these access arrangements for DD seem fair. He has suggested DD stays with him Wed, Thu & Fri until Sat lunch, then following week, Thur, Fri and Sat until Sunday lunch.

I am glad he wants to spend time with her and want her to have a positive relationship with her dad. I can't decide if Im happy about not having a full weekend with her.

Thanks

Well what works for you?

If it was me I would prefer he did the full weekend

The bog Standard court order child contact agreement is every 2nd weekend overnight and 4hrs a week mid week, so one evening a week and 2 weekends a month.

That's too much and too irregular. You don't have to agree to that.

Suggest a wed eve for midweek 4hrs where he does a school pick up and every second weekend

This will also give you some respite because every 2nd weekend you will have time off to yourself and can plan things in advance without the days changing constantly

@mumto2babyboys I don't see how you can say his contact would be 'too much'
Why should he only get to see his child 5 of 14 days and mom get 9 of 14?

OP there needs to be some give and take but I think you're right - it's unfair for you not to have a full weekend.

You also need to think about the future. If there is an ow now or in the future, most men find a new gf straight away or have someone lined up...then your dd will be spending most of her free time with both of them and he won't have to pay as much child support

Also the court will say the days need to be regular unless he is a policeman and works shifts that can't be avoided

One weekend with you then one with him is what's fair

It's the standard court ordered agreement, every 2nd weekend and 4hrs midweek

I think my issue with those arrangements would be that you would never have a whole weekend if you wanted to go away somewhere.

It is too much.
A court will say its 4 nights a month in comparison to 3/4 overnights a week

and she has to think who else her dd will be spending time with as men usually always have someone else lined up and being a new relationship before the divorce is final

And she has to think about child support

It’s not too much but it doesnt seem right that you don’t get a full weekend

Not all fathers only want more time with their children to reduce maintenance as you’ll hear on here ‘

Springinthestep

You are being told total nonsense, go get the 30mins free advice from a family solicitor.

You do not have to agree to those irregular days and every weekend and if you do you will have a fight on your hands if you want to change the agreement in the future

Unless you want to give up time with your dd and you don't mind her spending most of her free time for the rest of her childhood with her dad and whoever he is with now or in the future...

Do not agree to this when you don't have to

The bog standard family court child contact agreement is 4hrs midweek and every 2nd weekend. Ask a solicitor and they will tell you this is a fact!

You can do more if you wish but you do not have to spend so much time away from your dd

And if you agree to it now, what will happen when your dd starts saying she doesn't like the ow and doesn't want to go and every single weekend you have to send her because that's the routine she has known for years

What will happen if your dd is in daycare or school/after school from 7:30-6pm and you end up only being a taxi service and spending no actual family time with her

You have to think about both of your futures now... who cares what your ex wants, he isn't legally entitled to it at this point since he doesn't have a court order

the more contact you give him, the more he will be able to get a family court to agree to in the future because that's the routine your dd will have become used to

Just trying to help someone who doesn't know her legal rights!!!

Legally without a court order her ex is not entitled to 50/50 contact or in this case what is more than 50/50

A solicitor will tell her the same thing, it's called being smart thank you for the insult and planning ahead

She needs actual facts about where she stands legally not just uneducated incorrect opinions that could affect both hers and her dd's future

For uneducated opinions I think you need to look no further than yours. His offer was 6 nights out of 14 so less than 50/50. Plus there is no "standard court ordered" contact.

Like I said, your opinion is grabby. Going to court and suggesting contact based on maximising your child maintenance is a massively risky thing.

Hopefully the OP will seek some proper legal advice

Its not fair. How old is your dd?
That's an unusual pattern of access (assuming you both work Monday-Friday)
While it's good that he wants 50/50, no court would make you give up every weekend. So each parent would get a Friday/Saturday/Sunday/drop off to school or nursery Monday so you have the flexibility of going away at the weekend. Most parents want the flexibility of Friday night/Saturday night to go out with their friends/new partners.
Is your dd very little? 3 nights away from you in a row immediately may be too much if she's not used to it.

The court will take into consideration how much time a child spends in school or daycare. What their sleep routine is etc so with this current suggestion her dd would be spending more of her free time with her ex and whoever he is with

It is therefore nonsense what you are telling her, there is a min child arrangement agreement which is 4hrs a week and every 2nd weekend and legally she does not have to agree to 50/50 contact atm,

legally she can agree to no contact until there is a court order if she so wanted

I have not suggested she do this, but I am trying to make her aware of the future and her dd's future and what the consequences would be to agree to this now

The people posting saying why shouldn't he have more time than her etc, because legally he isn't entitled to it that's why so it is unfair of him to suggest this.

Children have the most free time at weekends do they not? So she would be barely spending any free time with her dd and a court would not say she has to give up so much family time with her dd

It will also affect child support and who gets the majority share in the family home if there is one, which I forgot to mention, as it's not all about money but her and her dd's future

Does her ex sound like he cares if her dd is going to be away from her every weekend, nope he doesn't!

The amount of time seems fair, but he would get a higher proportion of the fun bits. Over 2 weeks he would have 3 nights when she doesn't need to be up for school the next day, while you would have 1.

Depends on age and normal routine but my worry is you would be stuck with the bulk of the tea, homework, bed grunt work, and ge gets the let's stay up late and eat pizza time.

What is right is what works for her and you. Many parents are 50/50 these days (ignore the every other weekend 4 hours in week comments). Which days depends on work patterns, and how she adapted to being in different places, some families do every other week for 7 days for instance but if you have different days off then that makes sense to capitalise on them. Try to ensure that you have a dialogue and there's flexibility without the need to argue all the time

Legally she does not have to agree to 50/50 contact

Legally she can currently agree to no contact at all

or contact in a contact centre for 2 hours a week and build up to increasing contact

If it goes to court and she has agreed to losing every weekend then the court will stick to what the child is used to and favour the current agreement

but as the resident parent she will gets to decide atm, not him

I don't think every weekend is fair and different days every week is fair

every 2nd weekend is fair with regular days

Atm without a court order she doesn't even have to do that she can stop all contact

She is also getting divorced. 50/50 contact will affect her share in the marital home and affect cma payments

How old is she?

I think not having a full weekend might get annoying - what if one of you wants to go away, take her on holiday? One would hope it would stay flexible, but it might be easier to suggest alternate weekends fri-mon and maybe a thurs and tues in between?

There is no "legal" level of contact, in fact these days the approach is very much to encourage parents to come to an agreement. If he has been a good, present parent until this point, there is no reason to start being aggressive.

Thanks everyone for the advice, much appreciated. I am still trying to get my head around all of this, I have thought about fact I will be spending less free time with DD and child support maybe reduced, at this time, my main concern is that she is happy.

EX lives a short distance away, so can drop her at school when needed, we both work same hours, there is a lot for me to consider and I think we need to ask DD what she wants, she is 12.

I am hopefully meeting with him tonight to discuss the arrangements further.

How many people posting have actually been to a solicitor and been through the family court process?

Spring in the step please get legal advice first before agreeing anything with him

They should tell you the same as I have

Also that if you are in the marital home and you guys share custody 50/50 it will affect you position financially, if you are the sole resident parent you'd be looking at 65/35 or 70/30 split in equity in the divorce if dd primarily lives with you. 50/50 contact will affect your equity share if you have to sell the house at some point in the future.

Also at 12 your dd can decide herself how much contact she wants to have with him and the court will ask her, if it went to court

Also think about the ow or future gf because your dd would be spending a lot of time with both of them

Of course it will be lovely to think contact will always go to plan and your ex will be fair to you in the divorce

but divorce courts exist because men are rarely fair in the divorce so you have to think about 3 things

your time with your dd
Financially

and that what you agree to now will be very hard to change at a later date because it will be the routine your dd is used to

@mumto2babyboys just because it's what the court recommends doesn't make it best for every family.
Speaking to a solicitor about your personal situation doesn't make you any more knowledgeable/your opinion any more valid than anyone else's. You're also being incredibly pushy and close-minded.

OP has said she wants to speak to her daughter, who is old enough to have a say.
She's also capable of having a reasonable conversation with her ex and reaching a compromise, by all accounts.

I'm sure she also appreciates all of your comments, you don't need to keep reiterating your point.

@sringinthestep
When I split up with my ex we tried to 'share' weekends but quickly realised it didn't work due to never having a full weekend with our son or a full weekend on our own.

Spending a full weekend on your own can be difficult to start with, but if and when you meet someone new it's nice to have that time.

My ex now has our son, who is 12, every Thursday night and every other weekend from Friday night to Sunday evening. We've tried various combinations and this is what works for us at the moment.

If you have a good relationship with your ex then avoid going through the courts if you can.

@mumto2babyboys seems your approach is to use what's best for you financially and not what's best for the children. In my experience the only folks that aren't fair in divorce are the folks that ask their solicitors to maximise what they get, or let their solicitors take over, rather than actually think through what they want.

That's why the resounding majority of splits will recommend mutual/amicable agreement, then mediation. Solicitors have a habit of bringing out the worst in everyone.