Does this seem fair?

[sringinthestep]

Im newly separated and just wanted to see if these access arrangements for DD seem fair. He has suggested DD stays with him Wed, Thu & Fri until Sat lunch, then following week, Thur, Fri and Sat until Sunday lunch.

I am glad he wants to spend time with her and want her to have a positive relationship with her dad. I can't decide if Im happy about not having a full weekend with her.

Thanks

Skinnypete

People don't get to just 'decide' in the divorce or family court

The judge decides what's fair or the magistrates decide not the mother of the children and not the father.

Married women are given marital home rights for a reason because they are often left financially worse off in a divorce unless they have married a billionaire!

Children also need a regular routine so her ex having random days for contact on different weeks won't be allowed by a judge unless he is a policeman or similar profession and has to work those sort of shifts but she said he doesn't work shifts

I would have expected everyone replying to have said no that isn't fair

losing every single weekend with your dd and losing most of dd's free time to go along with what her ex husband wants when legally she does not ever have to agree to so much contact

Then my second point was the financial part, not having sole custody there won't be any need for her to remain in the marital home in the divorce and the division of assets would be less than she is entitled to now if she agrees to this

Then 3rd, it is very hard to reduce contact once it is in place unless you can show it's not working out and her ex agrees

@mumto2babyboys you're still not getting that some people separate and stay civil so don't need to go through the courts.

If there is no solicitor or judge and parents just have civil conversations and co-parent well together, then they absolutely can just "decide" what happens.

@mumto2babyboys
When I separated from my ex we remained civil and made any decisions regarding the care of our son between the two of us, and continue to do so. At no point has a solicitor been involved with this. Or a court.

Regarding a financial settlement on divorce, we went through mediation to decide who would get what and only needed solicitors to do the legal bit and get it signed off by a judge. At no point did our solicitors have any say over what was in our financial agreement, just the legal terminology.

I know I'm lucky that my ex and I have been able to settle things amicably, but it does happen.

Op your daughter is approaching teenage years where it’s very normal she’ll want to spend less time with both parents, instead meeting friends etc. It may week be that a degree of flexibility is best here with not such struck set times if you are your ex live near ish and can remain flexibly and amicable

Blackcatsrock

Did you get a 70% share of the assets then? Or where there none to divide?

Has your ex always stuck to the times and agreements for contact?

I would have expected everyone replying to have said no that isn't fair

It appears pretty much everyone else is rational. It's fairly evident why your case ended up in court at least as you are so very confrontational and convinced you are right about everything despite us having the scarcest details to go on

@mumto2babyboys
I couldn't tell you if I got 70% of assets. There was so much to go through with property, businesses, shares, pensions, etc. I can honestly say I never sat down and worked out if I had 70%. All I know is that my ex and I were satisfied with the outcome.

As for contact, we separated 5 years ago, been divorced for 3. In that time we've both mucked up a few times with days and timings, but then we're only human. My ex has never purposely not stuck to the agreement, and as I said in a previous post, we've tried various combinations in the past, and I'm sure it will change again as my son gets older.

It wasn't easy, when my ex first left I was distraught and reacted badly. And things still aren't perfect, how can they be? But we try our best for our son.

@sringinthestep
I think you're doing the right thing by involving your daughter in the decisions. She's old enough to have some say over what she'd like to do.

Good luck

Another one here that is in the midst of an amicable agreement. We have discussed and reached agreement we are both happy with and it's just about to go and get to be signed off by a court.

Mumto2babyboys- you are projecting wildly here. I'm guessing from your posts that your breakup and ex's behaviour wasn't great.

In my experience, court is not an inevitable part of deciding child contact. Many couples (like my ex and I ) don't need court for this at all. There are couples who successfully look after their kids 50/50 and didn't need to go to court over finances too. You can't give out poor legal advice like resident parent always gets more than 50% of assets, mums don't have to agree to contact etc. It depends on so many individual factors like parental working pattern (courts can accommodate shift workers for example), income etc

I think that OP is doing the right thing by asking her dd what she'd like to happen.

FWIW my ex is consistent and flexible over contact. By flexible I mean if one of the kids have a sleepover, he is happy for them to prioritise that over contact. He's never missed a pickup day in 7 years. I'm also happy to be flexible back. For example if they wanted to stay an extra night I'm happy for them to do so and he's happy to adjust drop off time to accommodate stuff happening the next day.

NC for this post as the level of detail I'll give is extremely outing, but there are some really odd replies to this thread which I think need countering.

My DP has 50/50 contact. He has Wednesday to Sunday on week one, Thursday to Sunday on week two, Thursday to Monday on week three, and Thursday to Sunday on week four. They have a week each over either Christmas or New year, alternating each year, a two week block each during the summer holidays, and everything else fits into the pattern.

There is nothing wrong with 50/50 contact, the kids keep track of it better than my DP does and they're only little, they cope really well with the holidays too.

DP wanted to have it so that Ex had a while weekend with them and he had one without, but this was the only arrangement that she would agree to in court that allowed for 50/50. The judge was perfectly happy to allow 50/50, my DP'S barrister was excellent and explained everything at every stage, pointing out things he might not have realised, and played a massive part in keeping him sane in an horrific situation.

50/50 is fair yes. Only you need an equal number of full weekends each.

Some absolute rubbish being spouted on this thread by one person. Tbh it almost feels like my ex-wife lol.

1. there is no "standard court order", but the most common outcome in a family court is a 5 in 14 arrangement for a father, comprising of alternative long weekends and one midweek night.
2. the OP should move forward taking her 12 year old daughter's wishes into account, and they will be given a high weighting if this went to court.
3. weekends and holidays are typically split 50:50 in a family court.
4. financial remedy is considered outside the scope of child arrangements, needless to say that if the father has the children overnight they will have housing requirements similar to the mother.
5. if the father can demonstrate an aptitude, ability and willingness to parent on a 50:50 basis a family court may very well go for that (which is what happened in my child court)
6. don't go to court unless you really have to. It can be very expensive and counterproductive. That said, expecting to have the lion's share of weekend contact is unrealistic - I would say alternate weekends is the obvious solution.

Thanks again for all the messages and advice. After speaking with Ex H we have agreed for DD to stay with Ex every other weekend, then on a Tuesday and Thursday one week and Tuesday other week. We still plan to speak to DD about this.

I am lucky we are civil with each other and want her to have a positive relationship with him.

Fingers crossed we can stay out of the courts

Another one here for whom contact was agreed amicably between ex and I. Roughly 50:50, both of us have been flexible, kids are all teens now and it's worked for us, XH has never not had them when he should. All agreed and managed without solicitors let alone judges.

Finances split 50:50 too which I would have wanted anyway. I'm still in the family home as I was able to buy him out. Also agreed without solicitors, mine just wrote up the consent order which was approved by the judge.

And I still get Child Maintenance because he is the higher earner. I get less than I would if he had the kids less but it's still a significant sum. We are all happy with our arrangements.