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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Help needed. Can my husband do this?!

27 replies

Emerald4512 · 03/06/2019 21:59

Hi all,

Currently seperated from husband with the aim to divorce. We have an 8 month old baby together.

He is currently demanding that when I buy him out, he is to get 50% of the equity and 3 nights and 3 days with our son.

My solicitor has stated that this wouldnt be the case due to having a child involved and he wouldn't get 3.nights due to the age of the child.

Has anyone else been through a similar situation? How did you overcome it?

Thank you! X

OP posts:
waterSpider · 03/06/2019 22:16

You are better off agreeing to something rather than arguing in court, and will probably have to attend mediation if you cannot agree.

He can demand what he likes, and for some couples that arrangement would work, but it sounds like (for whatever reasons) you don't want that outcome, and are entitled to argue for something else. You already have a solicitor, so let them advise you, and you instruct them.

TheOrigFV45 · 03/06/2019 22:20

Are you breastfeeding?

Original poster
Emerald4512 · 04/06/2019 00:06

Not currently BF no.

The idea of being away from my son for that long just kills me. I've spent most of my night in uncontrollable tears.

OP posts:
Manclife1 · 04/06/2019 00:10

How do you know he doesn’t feel the same about his child?

Original poster
Emerald4512 · 04/06/2019 00:15

He currently has him for 3 days and one night and he's happy with that arrangement atm. The back story to this is two months ago he told me he did not love me (completly out of the blue) and hadn't for the last year. He refused to try marriage counselling and just upped and left.

OP posts:
MrsxRocky · 04/06/2019 00:15

You've got to keep in mind you are both the parents and he has just as much right.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 04/06/2019 00:25

If he has him for three days and is also doing an overnight then he could get what he wants. Its not much extra time, does it really matter who has him when he is asleep?

A 60/40 split (in your favour) sounds pretty fair if he is a capable father.

pallisers · 04/06/2019 00:32

He doesn't want to pay any maintenance. Or he really wants to be a hands-on parent to his child for as much time as is fair. Only you can tell which is true.

There isn't any "rights" with parents in my view. There is what is best for the child - the child has rights not the parent.

NotBeingRobbed · 04/06/2019 01:21

Funny how some fathers suddenly become much more interested in their child if they think they can save maintenance. The last laugh is on them, of course, because kids cost a lot more to raise than the maintenance money.

seahorse85 · 04/06/2019 08:43

OP it's really hard I know, and whilst these things he has done are extremely hurtful and selfish, u fortunately they are a completely separate issue from him seeing his child.

My ex has mine 50/50. I hate it, struggle when they're not here and resent feeling like a part time parent. On top of this he can be a total arse.

BUT - it's the children's right to have that time with their dad. If I ask them - they're happy with the arrangement. I get that yours is still just a baby, but honestly - the courts will look at the best interests of the child (not the parents) and unless you can prove he's an unfit parent ( and I'm talking serious allegations here) then the starting point is usually 50:50, though not sure about when they're so young.

If you take it to court you'll end up resentful, angry and in debt. Much much better if you can (if possible) put your anger to one side temporarily and agree arrangements between you. I agree that 60:40 seems reasonable.

Sorry. I know it's hard! 

fedup21 · 04/06/2019 08:54

He is currently demanding that when I buy him out, he is to get 50% of the equity and 3 nights and 3 days with our son.

That sounds quite reasonable though. What were you aiming for?

NotBeingRobbed · 04/06/2019 09:06

The idea of being away from my son for that long just kills me. I've spent most of my night in uncontrollable tears.

What mother wouldn’t understand this? My children are older and have chosen not to see their father.

It does seem to me that women carry that child inside them for nine months. We give birth and they are our priority - for nearly all of us. In the past women had no say over their children at all when divorced. The current law is an improvement but all I can say is it feels against nature to me to tear a baby from its mother.

Some will say this is sexist but nature is sexist as well.

MustardScreams · 04/06/2019 09:09

You can’t punish him for leaving by only allowing reduced contact. Your child deserves to have as much a relationship with his father and he does you. Unless there is evidence on your son putting out at risk by your ex then the courts will probably side with 50/50 as ds gets older.

At the end of the day it is what is best for your child, no matter how hard you find it you have to keep that in the front of your mind.

Original poster
Emerald4512 · 04/06/2019 09:27

Thank you all for your messages. He's a great parent so can't argue with that so maybe I need to go back to the drawing board. X

OP posts:
Manclife1 · 04/06/2019 12:00

@NotBeingRobbed women can’t demand equality then want to be treated differently. Giving access to a father , you know that person everyone on MN complains they don’t provide or care for their kids, is hardly ‘tearing’ a child away from its mother.

Yes, it is sexist. You can’t insist a mother gets priority then demand a father just sits there paying for it. But hey I’m sure there’s a queue of blocks who would like to take the woman’s cause back 50 years.

If you thing nature is sexist it also requires survival of the fittest. Should we bring that back too?

NotBeingRobbed · 04/06/2019 12:11

Men are always keen to bang on about rights but don’t take responsibility, do they? If I had my time again I would have gone to a sperm donor because my kids don’t need an abusive male in their life. This is the superpower women have - we can have our own kids without any more than a donation. My ex certainly seems to regard himself as only a sperm donor or maybe a third child - he certainly has not supported his kids. He is stealing their savings for the future, not contributing to the costs! Where’s the equality there? Why can’t I keep my own savings to support the children that he won’t support himself? His total CMS contribution is nowhere near the money he is stealing from me, my DD and DS. True equality would mean women can keep charge of their own finances!!

Manclife1 · 04/06/2019 12:16

@NotBeingRobbed just because you’ve got a shit ex don’t project that onto every over father who isn’t a twat! In this case the father IS doing pretty much half the care and wants to ensure they have a relationship with his child.

fruitbrewhaha · 04/06/2019 12:23

It does seem fair OP. Your husband also wants to raise his son.

Did you both put in equal equity into the house?

You solicitor is the beest person to help with this as they have all the details. Thinking about it, you want to be sure to share up the time evenly, ie it's not great if he has all the weekends and you have the drudgery on mon to fri, and then the cost of childcare on those days.

What would work for you? Week on week off, and sharing 50/50 the cost of nursery?

Original poster
Emerald4512 · 04/06/2019 23:49

Hi all,

We spoke today for over an hour and have come up with a potential plan that means both parents get the same amount of hours with our son, whilst he's awake!

It's incredibly hard to know that I'll be spending half of my time without him - I didn't sign up for this!

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 04/06/2019 23:52

I've been through this. No don't agree to it let the court decide. I'm pretty sure they won't go along with this nonsense as your baby is so small. Your ex just wants to wriggle out of payments to you. Stay strong. Ridiculous to carve up such a small child DC will be terribly confused.

glitterfarts · 05/06/2019 00:47

I don't think 50/50 is in the best interests of a baby.

They need a primary carer. Don't agree to this!

TheOrigFV45 · 05/06/2019 08:20

Why do so many people automatically think the father only wants to increase contact time in order to not have to pay so much maintenance?

It's a really ugly way to think and no where has the OP suggested her ex is one of those.

Daffodil2018 · 05/06/2019 08:23

I suppose because people assume that if he really cared about spending time with his 8 month old baby he wouldn’t have left without making any effort to work on the marriage?!

seahorse85 · 05/06/2019 20:32

I'm with @TheOrigFV45 on this. Don't want to Labour the point too much because would rather be supportive of the OP - but people leave relationships (even those with babies) for very many reasons. I have female friends who have done the same - it doesn't mean they are automatically bad people!

OP it does start to feel better, honestly! Thanks

Original poster
Emerald4512 · 05/06/2019 23:27

Hi all,

He once threw out in an argument that he would fight to have our son 50/50 so that he didnt have to pay maintenance so I am suspicious...

At the time of him leaving

OP posts:
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