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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

How to stop him using me as babysitter/emergency childcare provider???

70 replies

GreensAreGoodForYou · 30/05/2019 02:00

My husband and I are separated since December and living in different homes since a month ago. He wants 50/50 childcare split so we came up with which days and nights we'd do. All fine. But since we've started this, every single week there's been something he has had to do at work, or he's had to go away (for work) etc so then I have to take care of the kids. I work at home (I work as a journalist and illustrator) so I understand why he sees it as 'oh you can just look after them' but I really cannot earn a full wage this way and I can't even plan my time properly. Should I demand he finds hired help to solve his work event/travel issues? Or should I ask that it not be 50/50 and therefore pay less towards childcare costs? I don't know how to navigate this... any advice welcome!

OP posts:

bollocksitshappenedagain · 30/05/2019 06:48

My ex works rolling shifts and only has kids on weekends for about 5 hours (over 1 day) on about half of weekends. He still manages to book stuff for himself at those times without telling me first - just assuming I can pick up the slack. Next time regardless of what plans I have I am going to tell him I cannot. I have tried to keep it flexible in case I need that flexibility at some point but it's always the other way. Always.

Loopytiles · 30/05/2019 07:02

Did YOU want 50/50 and think this was best for the DC?

Settlersofcatan · 30/05/2019 10:16

What do you want? I guess the options are:

Insist on him sticking to the agreement
Make a different agreement if he's unable to stick to 50:50
Swap - so if he goes away for a week with work, he does the whole of the following week

What would work best for you?

Annasgirl · 30/05/2019 10:34

HI OP, my friend is divorced and both her and her ex are lawyers. She knew she would have to stick religiously to the custody agreement as she facilitated him once and he took advantage.

I think you need to

Get a legal agreement re custody if it is not already in place
Stick to the terms of this exactly - that means never letting him change but also you never asking him to swap with you. Always use your childcare arrangement or a family member or friend if you need help, never ask your ex. Even if he asks why not me, say no, we have a legal agreement and I am not breaking. it.

consider moving and also, you need to grow a backbone, you should not ever be facilitating a man who has this little respect for you.

Original poster

GreensAreGoodForYou · 30/05/2019 13:11

Loopytiles, he was the one insisting on 50/50. I think he just didn't really know what it means. He's a professor and although he has to give classes and have meetings, he also often works at home. The kids finish school at 1.45 every day. When I suggested splitting the days with him having the kids on two afternoons (I'd have them for three) after school he was all, "But how can I work when the kids are at home?" I pointed out that I also had to work. He said, "But you can work when they're at school!" It's almost funny how skewed his vision of it all is. Or it would be if it wasn't such a pain.

I've contacted a lawyer so we can come up with a legal agreement re childcare.

Annasgirl, I know. Backbone has been growing back, little by little, ever since the separation ;) It's amazing to me how he's managed to whittle away at what was once a strong backbone and turn me into a wobbly jellyfish!

Thanks all. Keep kicking me up the backside and telling me to grow some etc... I need to hear it!

OP posts:

Annasgirl · 30/05/2019 15:03

@GreensAreGoodForYou oh I hope that did not sound mean. I would say the same if you were my friend - men like this will trample all over you if they get half a chance. As you are only newly separated it seems you are trying to keep up good relations - my friend soon learned that this is not possible and you need to set down strict markers. But it is easier said than done and I know - I am completely useless when it comes to boundaries myself and people walk all over me. But it improves with age - gradually the rage forces you to act.

Good luck - and remember, posting here shows you know that this is wrong and you just need a plan to resolve it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2019 15:09

You need to start treating him like a slightly annoying person you have a business relationship with. Good boundaries, don't engage emotionally, stick to the facts.

When he says, "ask complain, blah blah" you reply, "just wanted to know if you want to formalise less then 50:50 or stick to your current days". And repeat. No answering his nonsense. And hairbrushes and bolongnese? Don't even answer.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2019 15:10

*than urg.

crimsonlake · 30/05/2019 15:11

Firstly, you do not mention your dc's ages, exactly how old are they?
Secondly do not engage with him further, this is only adding fuel to the fire.
You have set days and he keeps to it, if he has problems with childcare on those days it is his problem to resolve not yours.
Stop texting, respond only by email. Send him a formal email setting the above out, end of discussion.
Do not answer the door to him, or simply tell him not to turn up at the fmh, it is your house now.
Start putting your foot down with him.

Original poster

GreensAreGoodForYou · 30/05/2019 15:15

@Annasgirl No, don't worry! He has had me so doubting myself that it's SO good to have people tell it like it is. I am trying to make it all amicable but he has been really walking all over me, and in so many other ways too. For example, the other day I was at the supermarket so I messaged him to ask if he needed me to pick something up. He sent me a list of more than 20 items! Basically his entire week's shopping. And while doing this kind of stuff, he's also hassling me to contribute more financially (how I'm supposed to work more when he's cutting my work hours I don't know). Again, he has no idea that what I'm asking (for him to buy me out of the house, which my parents paid for 90% of – I'm only asking for 50%, which is my legal right, from which point on I will fully pay for my needs and half the kids, with 50/50 childcare) is SUCH a good deal for him. I gave up my career so he could pursue his and so we've lived in various countries. Pretty sure in a court situation I'd be entitled to maintenance for some time, seeing as I was at home caring for both kids for around 6/7 years. But I'm not even asking for that, just that he gives me the equivalent of half our assets. Sigh. Anyway, lawyer is booked for Friday! Thanks so much!

OP posts:

Blue5238 · 30/05/2019 15:16

50:50 means equal amounts of childcare, not just overnights. So if it's his night to have the kids it is his responsibility to pick them up from school, and to get them back there the next morning, and to cover school holiday days other than where you have both agreed a change to the normal pattern. He doesn't seem to get this....

QueenofPain · 30/05/2019 15:19

Why should you be losing out on your work to accommodate his work? If you had the kind of job where you had to physically present to an office inside certain hours, it just wouldn’t wash. He clearly doesn’t value your work as work, and you are no longer obligated to provide him with the flexibility afforded by your home working. Could you perhaps do some of your working hours from a flexible working space/studio so that you are physically going to work, to help re-establish that boundary?

Next time he tries to palm the kids off on you because of his work remind him “that’s sounds like a you problem, not a me problem”.

Quartz2208 · 30/05/2019 15:20

Hold on you left the house your parents paid 90% for and are doing 50/50 for no maintenance and yet not

Stop feeling guilty for separating get proper legal advice and take it from there

Tell him that 50/50 isn’t working he needs to say what he can do and you will get the maintenance claim sorted

Original poster

GreensAreGoodForYou · 30/05/2019 15:23

Quartz2208, I know! This is why it's so insane - he has NO idea how lucky he is. This is another reason why a lawyer is essential (aside from getting our 'deal' agreed upon) – to make him realise what a jammy f-er he is!!! He is absolutely clueless. He thinks I am the lucky one, has even said so.

Backbone is growing harder my the minute :D

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/05/2019 15:29

Why on earth did you text him from the supermarket? Take the handle off your head and stop being a mug! Lawyer up and go for what you are entitled to.

EileenAlanna · 30/05/2019 16:06

Screenshot/copy the calendar to have a record for your solicitor of when he was inconsistent with the 50/50 arrangement, then stop using it or even looking at it.

OhamIreally · 30/05/2019 16:29

Are you sure that 50/50 split on assets is fair to you? Will that compensate you for the years you weren't building up your pension?

My ex moved away and leaves all parenting to me. I would have loved 50/50 so that I could go to a class or the gym a couple of times a week but at least I don't have someone messing me around and I know it's all up to me. If he can't/won't do 50/50 then you will need to move to a different arrangement and he will have to pay maintenance.

The problem with these men is they think the childcare is ALL the woman's responsibility and anything they do is a favour.

Original poster

GreensAreGoodForYou · 30/05/2019 17:31

@MrsTerryPratchett My handle has been hard to break off! I was trying to be nice, helpful, I guess. I'm learning, though.

@Ohamireally It's not fair but it's the way it is legally (50/50 assets when you divorce) where I am (not the UK). Legally, though, I could ask him to contribute/pay for my living expenses to make up for all the years lost doing full-time child care. But that'll just leave him skint and me loaded. As he is taking care of the kids half the time (supposedly) I want him to have the money to look after them when they're with him. As long as I get enough time to work, I can look after myself and the kids for half the time. But going to the lawyer and having him outline what I COULD be asking for will help, I think, make him see that he could be a lot worse off and that I'm being bloomin' generous. If he doesn't see that, that's his problem. The main thing is that I don't lose out on time for work/money/my time with the kids because of him being a prick.

OP posts:

crimsonlake · 30/05/2019 17:54

Seriously you text him from the supermarket asking if he needed anything picking up? Sounds as if you have not really let him go. Stop being nice and deal with him like a business transaction.

Original poster

GreensAreGoodForYou · 30/05/2019 18:58

I think I should add that our break up was not all drama/disaster and perhaps that's why I haven't treated him like a business transaction (yet!). He didn't want to break up initially but once I insisted and we started living more separate lives, he saw the sense of it all. We hadn't had sex for ages (years), were arguing about housework/cooking/childcare all the time, and figured it would be better for the kids and us if we lived in separate homes and were not together as a couple. He is a good person in general, is fiercely loving and protective of the kids, just crap at relationships (including with his mother - that was a sign I should have taken notice of! She's a nightmare herself but he has a horrific relationship with her). He can be an absolute prick and I'm pretty sure he beats me in that regard (I'm sure I can be annoying but there's no way I've behaved as egotistically as he has), but he's not someone I hate or despise. He's just yet another messed up man. Not my problem anymore, though, and I won't be offering any shopping or other favours in the future that's for sure!

OP posts:

Spanglyprincess1 · 30/05/2019 19:04

He's mental. My dp would never dream of doing this to his ex, and apparently he's the worst dad ever. If he cancels plans he needs to provide childcare. So if he's away he pays for afterschool clubs or are ages a paid childminder etc. It's what my dp does and its normal

PonderingPanda · 30/05/2019 19:09

You really need to stop doing all the wifework as otherwise you might as well still be together.

My XH left for OW. I implemented EOW and half of school holidays immediately..... poor love did find it a struggle as l was always the default when he was away with work.

50/50 was not practical for us due to his working hours and it appears it isn't for your XH either.

Loopytiles · 30/05/2019 19:12

Yes, I know HE wants 50/50, but do YOU? And do you think it best for the DC?

Suggest legal advice.

Original poster

GreensAreGoodForYou · 30/05/2019 20:00

@Loopytiles, yes, I think it's best for the kids. Since having to care for them on his own for half the time he's actually doing stuff with them (outings, playing etc). I was worried he'd just stick them in front of the TV and carry on working, but he's clearly making an effort to be entertaining/fun with them (something he wasn't that great at when we were together). Similarly, they are getting to see a man wash up, cook, do the laundry, scrub behind the toilet etc. And I think that's brilliant. It's what I wanted all along but somehow he was unable to bring himself to do such things while with me! rolls eyes Plus I love my work and I want to be able to earn for myself without having to rely on his earnings to live.

He has options if he wants/needs someone to take care of the kids. One of the other parents at the school does after-school care, so it's not hard and they'd enjoy it too. He can make it work, I just have to make it impossible for him to ask me to do it.

Tomorrow I'll have my legal advice :D

OP posts:

crimsonlake · 31/05/2019 13:37

You do not need to do anything and you certainly do not have to make it impossible for him to ask you to do it. You just say no and stop enabling him.

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