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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband trying to take children on holiday with new girlfriend - advice please

43 replies

nostaples · 21/05/2019 20:09

Husband moved out in December. Have begun divorce proceedings. He has admitted to unreasonable behaviour after I caught him chasing another woman. Since then he has joined a dating site, been out with 4 or 5 women and now got a new girlfriend with a 15 year old son. He has been with this woman for about 3 months. He has booked a holiday without consulting either me or my children and is expecting my children to go with him, new gf and her son. Eldest dd (17) has said no. Youngest dc (15, vulnerable) is wavering. I don't think it's appropriate for all sorts of reasons not least she barely knows these people. Likely to be full of tension. DH can be aggressive but will have to try and keep both my child and other woman's child happy. Recipe for disaster but also no reason to do something so extreme so quickly. Have said I will support dh to maintain positive relationship with children but he must communicate with me (and them!) before organising things. In this case I think he's got it wrong. What do you think? Where do I stand legally? I have contacted my solicitor to ask too.

OP posts:
YouWhoNeverArrived · 21/05/2019 20:34

As a general principle, what Dad does in Dad's time with the kids is his own call - dads can introduce partners, or other people, when they deem it appropriate. Just because it's not what you would do doesn't make it wrong.

In practice, it's very hard to force a 17-year-old and a 15-year-old to do anything, so if they refuse to go, there's probably not much that can be done.

But I wonder why they've said no. Is it because they know how you feel about the new girlfriend and the holiday? Be careful not to alienate your children from their father. Unless a father is abusive to his kids - properly abusive, not just doing something that Mum disagrees with - then children tend to benefit from having two parents in their life.

MsPavlichenko · 21/05/2019 20:40

Being aggressive in front of/ towards his DC is abusive. Children benefit from having parents who are not abusive. Two parents is not necessarily better than one

Seeleyboo · 21/05/2019 20:41

You say my children. Confused they're both your children and agreed with pp. Would you want him dictating who you could introduce to the children and have activities with.

MsPavlichenko · 21/05/2019 20:42

Booking a holiday withour running it by his ( approaching adult age ) children is also a sign of controlling behaviour.

YouWhoNeverArrived · 21/05/2019 20:43

Unless I've missed something in the OP, @nostaples hasn't described Dad being aggressive to the children or in front of the children.

And even if she perceives him to be aggressive, that doesn't mean it's necessarily true. What one person perceives to be an aggressive manner of speaking might seem like mere assertiveness to others.

Amibeingdaft81 · 21/05/2019 20:43

He can’t make the 15 year old go.

Sit down with her and have a gentle open chat. Be led by her. If she wants to go, then you absolutely must support

OhioOhioOhio · 21/05/2019 20:44

Honestly, I am speaking from hard earned experience, let him get on with it.

It is not against the law to be a bastard. The biggest gift you can give yourself is to let your kids figure it out on their own.

Amibeingdaft81 · 21/05/2019 20:44

He’s booked a villa, yes? But no flights.

So essentially all he’s done is invite his children. He didn’t need to run by your first

Amibeingdaft81 · 21/05/2019 20:46

Booking a holiday withour running it by his ( approaching adult age ) children is also a sign of controlling behaviour.

What? I reckon he’s booked it and invited his adult children

lubeybooby · 21/05/2019 20:48

what would you do if he wanted to stop you taking the kids on holiday with a new partner in future?

Sorry but I think your thoughts are more led by bitterness here rather than whats best for the kids. They will work it out for themselves in time.

lubeybooby · 21/05/2019 20:49

another thought - he also can't win if he went without them

I remember my dad doing that to me with his new gf. Took her instead of me - it stung for years.

stucknoue · 21/05/2019 20:51

At their ages they it's really up to them. Yes it's fast but unless there's safeguarding concerns (as noted by the court) really you need to let them decide

Original poster
nostaples · 21/05/2019 20:53

I'm not saying it would always be wrong for him to take the children on holiday with a new partner, just not someone he's been with for only 3 months who more importantly the children have only met ONCE. I wouldn't let them go on a sleepover under those circumstances and don't trust dh to look after them either. Don't even know how solid this relationship is. As far as I know they've split up once even within 3 months. DH saw several women before that and was unfaithful to me before that (and unfaithful in his first marriage).

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 21/05/2019 20:53

It is normal to check dates etc before booking . Why would he not do that?

llangennith · 21/05/2019 20:56

If they don't want to go then they don't go. They're old enough that no-one is going to force them.
They don't have to join dad on his holiday just because he's decided he wants to play happy families with his new woman and her son.
Much too soon.

Amibeingdaft81 · 21/05/2019 20:56

Op
It’s all clearly very very raw for you

We are not talking about young children here.

He’s booked a holiday. Obviously just the accom. He’s invited his teenage children. If they don’t want to join, he might get jiffy, but squat all he can do about it. So I’m baffled as to why you’re wasting money on solicitors about this

ohmydaysagain · 21/05/2019 20:57

Your children are nearly adults you need to leave them have their own relationship with their dad and not get involved. Tbh when I started reading your thread I though you were talking about little children. The kids will take your attitude towards their dad and that will spoil their future relationship. I know it hurts and it's hard but you need to be supportive of him including your children. All he has to do is tell you when and where they going. He doesn't need nor should he have to ask your permission.

choli · 21/05/2019 20:58

I wouldn't let them go on a sleepover under those circumstances and don't trust dh to look after them either.
You trusted him enough to have children with him. How much looking after do you think a 15 and 17 year old need,?
I'd let the kids decide and avoid any input.

Wildorchidz · 21/05/2019 20:58

I wouldn't let them go on a sleepover under those circumstances and don't trust dh to look after them either.

They are 17 and 15 - not 7 and 5.

hsegfiugseskufh · 21/05/2019 21:00

Your children are 15 and 17. Its up to them, not you. You dont trust him to look after them? How much looking after do they require?

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 21/05/2019 21:05

I think you should encourage them to go

It's a holiday, sunny, a pool etc. It's a couple of weeks out of their lives...they might enjoy it!

At least he wants to take them rather than just dump them for his new girlfriend

Original poster
nostaples · 21/05/2019 21:05

because he is emotionally immature and aggressive. DC2 has mental health problems and self-harms. She actually needs quite a lot of looking after.

OP posts:
Amibeingdaft81 · 21/05/2019 21:07

Ok, well then women up and say no.

You 17 year old had said no directly
And your 15 year old has said no but not to him

Do you say - she doesn’t want to go. And leave it at that. If he starts pestering her, you need to do some tough love and encourage her to be straight with him.

Amibeingdaft81 · 21/05/2019 21:09

But seriously
If your 17 year old wants to sleep over at friend’s house you’ve met once - please don’t forbid it!!

MarniLou · 21/05/2019 21:17

For far younger children than yours I asked similar questions and advice from a solicitor about whether I had the right to over rule my EXH decisions.
In my case my EXH regularly left the DC's overnight with his elderly infirm DM. I was worried about it. Advice was unless their father is actually unfit and that this is proven, he is considered to be capable of making his own sensible decisions regarding his children. If he thought his DM was fit ( she said she wasn't ) then it was his decision. (The solicitor also advised a precautionary measure of making sure the elder DC was trained to us the telephone incase anything happened)

Your DC's may of course just make their own decisions.