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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Husband trying to take children on holiday with new girlfriend - advice please

43 replies

nostaples · 21/05/2019 20:09

Husband moved out in December. Have begun divorce proceedings. He has admitted to unreasonable behaviour after I caught him chasing another woman. Since then he has joined a dating site, been out with 4 or 5 women and now got a new girlfriend with a 15 year old son. He has been with this woman for about 3 months. He has booked a holiday without consulting either me or my children and is expecting my children to go with him, new gf and her son. Eldest dd (17) has said no. Youngest dc (15, vulnerable) is wavering. I don't think it's appropriate for all sorts of reasons not least she barely knows these people. Likely to be full of tension. DH can be aggressive but will have to try and keep both my child and other woman's child happy. Recipe for disaster but also no reason to do something so extreme so quickly. Have said I will support dh to maintain positive relationship with children but he must communicate with me (and them!) before organising things. In this case I think he's got it wrong. What do you think? Where do I stand legally? I have contacted my solicitor to ask too.

OP posts:

OhioOhioOhio · 21/05/2019 21:19

Nostaples

I feel your pain. And I agree.

But it's not against the law to be a prick.

Purpleartichoke · 21/05/2019 21:22

It does make him a monumentally bad parent. They don’t even need to know about the girlfriend yet, let alone be sharing trips.

If your youngest will be truly stressed by this, then get a solicitor and take him to court to stop it. If it will simply damage the relationship between the teens and their father, that is something you can’t prevent. He is going to do that no matter how hard you try to prevent it. Your job is to be

Purpleartichoke · 21/05/2019 21:22

To be there to provide them a safe place.

feelingsinister · 21/05/2019 21:28

This place is so confusing. I've read thread after thread where people have attacked women for introducing their kids to men too quickly but apparently it's fine to book a family holiday with a women he's been seeing a few months without discussing it with your ex or your children. Odd.

I agree with you OP that it's too soon and definitely something he should have discussed with you first and asked the kids if they want to go.

NotBeingRobbed · 21/05/2019 21:29

Hmm....would he need your permission to take the 15-year-old abroad. I’m putting this out there as my ex started rumbling about my 15-year-old going out of the country when it was a school trip I had given permission for. Ridiculous and controlling - a power trip for him.

Missillusioned · 21/05/2019 21:36

Actually I would be a bit concerned about my 15 yr old daughter going on holiday with a 15 yr old boy she doesn't know. Presumably the ex doesn't know him well either as he has only been dating the mother briefly.
Do you know what the sleeping arrangements are?

PeoniesarePink · 21/05/2019 21:37

Given your DCs ages, I think you need to back off and let them decide. It's for them to have a relationship with him, not you and I mean that kindly.

Let them make their own decisions about the sort of relationship they have with him.

choli · 21/05/2019 21:53

It is not against the law to be a bastard. The biggest gift you can give yourself is to let your kids figure it out on their own.
This cuts both ways of course. The kids will eventually figure it out if one parent is manipulating them to damage the relationship with the other parent.

Original poster

nostaples · 21/05/2019 22:38

Thank you all. It's useful to hear the range of opinions. I agree that the 15 year old son is a worry. I don't know what the girlfriend's boundaries are about things like drinking (my dd doesn't) or sleeping arrangments. I think it's pretty crass for the journey of introduction to new girlfriend is 1.) all go out to dinner 2.) week away in which dh shares bedroom with new girlfriend with dd next door when he only left her mother in December.

OP posts:

NorthernSpirit · 22/05/2019 00:19

You say ‘my children’ you mean ‘our children’ they aren’t possessions, one parent isn’t more important than the other.

My OH’s EW stopped a holiday. I had dated the children’s father for over a year, known the kids 6 months. The EW had ‘approved’ a holiday to visit the children’s grandparents overseas. The flights were booked and paid for on the mother’s apprival. I got a last minute invite to join them. At 11pm the night before the 7am pick up to go to the airport the mother emailed the dad to say the holiday was cancelled as ‘she wasn’t happy HER children were going on a holiday with a women she didn’t know and who the children hardly knew’.

She was taken to court (this was a long line of her breaching the contact order). She wS told by the judge that what dad does on his time has nothing to do with her. He also threatened a change of residency if this behaviour continued.

Is the holiday in the best interests on the child? Your role is to help facilitate a positive relationship with the father not hinder it.

Chocmallows · 22/05/2019 00:24

Let the DC decide and back their independent decisions. Do not lead or manipulate them, they need to decide what they want to do.

YouWhoNeverArrived · 22/05/2019 10:43

Bear in mind that if your ex organised a foreign holiday with his partner and her child, but didn't invite your DC, then your children might feel left out and rejected. I think your ex was damned if he did and damned if he didn't. Whatever choice he made would have attracted criticism.

Your ex is an equal parent. If he chooses to parent differently from you, then unless it's a safeguarding issue, that's up to him. If he feels that allowing small amounts of supervised alcohol consumption is appropriate, that's up to him. It's legal to give alcohol to a child over the age of 5 in your own home in the UK. Clearly getting a 5-year-old pissed would be a safeguarding issue, but allowing a 15-year-old one beer on holiday probably wouldn't interest Social Services!

Hotterthanahotthing · 22/05/2019 11:10

I think OP is concerned about the 15yr old boy drinking.Having seen my DDS school friends after party's she has a point.

saraclara · 22/05/2019 11:23

Jeeze, they're 17 and 15! And he's their dad!
It's up to them whether they go or not, and you shouldn't try to influence them in any way.

CadburysTastesVileNow · 22/05/2019 11:27

What Mis said about sleeping arrangements - she shouldn't be sharing with the 15yo boy

crimsonlake · 22/05/2019 12:23

Agree, both are of an age where they can have their own relationship with your ex. Having been in your position I understand your children might be too afraid to say no, sadly if that is how they feel it still needs to be done. Try not to influence them as hard as it is and bite your tongue.

NabooThatsWho · 22/05/2019 12:30

I think the DC just need to decide for themselves. If they don’t, he can’t force them.

Frankola · 26/05/2019 10:11

Being brutally honest, him booking this holiday has nothing to do with you. Nor does what he does with the kids during his contact time.

BUT, if the kids don't want to go they shouldn't have to. And he should have really asked them before he booked the holiday. That's his mistake here.

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