Weeks away from separating fully - now ex OH about to loose his job

[NoMoreLimbo]

Due to various circumstances my abusive and controlling exOH and I have since splitting been living under the same roof, w two DDs.
I am weeks away from moving to a new place.

We agreed I will have DD (both currently in primary school) 8 out of 14 nights. I reluctantly agreed to this on a trial basis, as he is a functioning alcoholic and has historically not been present.

We both work FT.

Now ex has been told he will get the boot from work on Monday. He has been in very well paid work his whole career. High bonuses etc.

I am petrified that our agreement will now change (as he in he will claim he will have the children more than agreed as he will not work) plus I will receive zero CM as he will be unemployed. This despite him earning over six figures last financial year.

I am worried I will end up in a situation where he will have the children more than agreed (as any parent in this situation I am of course heartbroken over not seeing my children several days a week as it is) and therefore would therefore have to pay CM to him. When I am already in a situation where I don’t know how I am going to be able to cover all bills etc month to month.

I'm not sure he can insist on more nights with the children just because he no longer has a job to go to but there won't be any child maintenance payments if he isn't earning.

I'm first thought was that if he wasn't a good enough husband and father as a high earner he certainly won't be as a dosser. Stick to your plan. He'll be expected to jobseek all day Mon to Fri on JSA.

The first thing when separating from an abusive and controlling man is to grow a backbone. Sorry that sounds harsh but you are acting and thinking from the place of fear which led you to leave the relationship.

You already have concerns about the contact agreed which you need to be clear about. So more is not on the table. You say he is a functioning alcoholic and has historically not been present - if you genuinely have concerns about your DD’s wellbeing do not agree to something which might be hard to overturn later.

The main question is do you think the six days is in DD’s best interests and why? If you are clear about that, then you have your response to any changes proposed. No and this is why - rinse and repeat.

If you have concerns about the six days, you also need to make these clear.

If you agree to something, and you later withdraw it or raise concerns about it based on knowledge you have now, then you will be challenged on why you agreed to it.

So sit down with a piece of paper and write down why you think the proposed contact arrangements are in DD’s best interests. Be genuinely sure you have no concerns about them. Start from the point that you may have to defend these arrangements to a third party and that they are based on best interests of DD. Not your fear, the best interests of DD.

My experience is that if you have a clear sense of what is in DC best interests, it is easier to maintain an objective position come what may.

Do you actually know for sure he's losing his job?

Seems like awfully convenient timing to me. Sounds more like he's either quit to deliberately mess up the financial situation, or is lying to you, probably to retain control of the situation and stop you moving out and on.

Sorry, lying to you ie he's not losing his job at all, just says he is

If he’s been earning six figures you should (hopefully) have plenty of equity. So best to get a settlement, draw a line and move on. You may not get much child maintenance but you’ll have a lump sum to house you etc.

If he's an abusive twat, he's going to give you the runaround anyway. Learn to live on your own means as a baseline and top up with whatever comes in from him.

Perhaps he's just keeping you informed, I'm sure he will want to find work ASAP. Is it that he needs to delay moving out until he finds work perhaps? From the information given I don't see why he would use it for custody, I doubt someone on six figures would want to go on UC and full time raise kids

Apologies for a late thank you, for all your replies.
So, Monday came and yes he got fired today.

Now what?! He has been given one months notice and ironically this is almost exactly to the day I am moving out. (He is not trying to stop me moving.)

Maybe you will have to pay him spousal maintenance!

We were never married so that’s not on the table for either of us.

Nothing changes in terms of you moving out I guess unless you want it to....does you having them work out 50/50 whoever receives the child benefit is usually the residing parent. Why has he lost his job what is saying about the situation now? Is he going to look for another job? You say he is a functioning alcoholic keep an eye on his drinking as this may now increase, keep evidence on the amount he is drinking etc as unfortunately you may need this if you need to raise concerns about him having the children to stay? Can you still afford to move out? Was he going to give maintenance. Sorry for so many questions just things I’d be thinking you need to consider xx good luck

Why is he being sacked? Does this mean he will be unlikely to get another well paid job?

Can you still afford the childcare for the girls? If they are already in primary school then at least it is only wraparound and after school. You may need to accept that initially he will be picking them up from school etc. I would mention his drinking with the teacher so they are aware in case he tries to pick them up when drunk. If you have fixed school days with them it might be easier to arrange childcare if he no longer uses childcare.

In a few years they May well vote with their feet and teenage girls can be very scathing of perceived imperfections in their parents. Hopefully he will either get another job if he is able to, or he will spiral down with drink and then school will support you with their concerns, but you will need to be prepared financially to take the girls on virtually full time. I think it is unlikely that he will become a model stay at home, signed up member of the PTA dad, although if he does at least he will be there for the dc. Is the house in both of your names and will it be sold or will you walk away with nothing while he lives off his savings?

@Itsallchange
The DC's will be with me 8 nights and with him 6 out of 14.

The job loss was I think mainly down to a very shady company who played him a bit. He is not the first that has experienced this. No redundancy pay or payout as he was there for such a short time and they kept tweaking agreement.

@UCOinanOCG He is looking. I saw him apply for a few things online last night.

@shouldwestayorshouldwego re affording the childcare. Not paying for it all. We were going to split that. Obviously if he is not working he will 'not need' childcare but as soon as he is working he will.

We owned the house together. He bought me out so I could buy elsewhere for myself. So I can afford that.

What I cannot afford is paying 100% of everything for the DD's.

I can feed them and put a roof over their heads, but when it comes to clothing, school uniforms and heaven forbids the school trips and clubs. That is all going to be too much.

I am moving further away from my job so that I could afford to buy, but will then pay more for my own commute as well.

DC no 2 will in September stay in the school where they both are. Very near his house. DC no 1 will start high school within walking distance of my new place.

That is good that dc1 is starting secondary school. As long as she is sensible and no SN it gets so much easier once you no longer need child care, she should be able to walk home and look after herself for short while. It will not be too long before she can help with the younger one. My yr9 will keep an eye on my yr4 dc for short periods of time.

It sounds as if he is planning to get another job, which is great and that the alcohol doesn't stop him from keeping one down. Hopefully it will be a short lived emergency. In the meantime can you enquire about second hand uniform for the one starting secondary? Ours sells it at a quarter of the rate of new stuff. When life gets better you can upgrade.

From September it will be another two years though until they will be back at the same school. Meanwhile I am working far away and only get back at 7 pm.

@shouldwestayorshouldwego I truly hope you are right and it is a short lived emergency.

I will see if there is second hand uniform for sale. That is a good idea.

@NoMoreLimbo

Sorry you are in this situation. I can understand your concerns.

Ex left me 18 months ago and moved in with ow/gf. New life was too exciting to bother with the children other than his eow. Didn't want to see them when I offer half Christmas Day.

He promised me he would pay child support and it was hit and miss so went to Cms. By the time it was sorted 5 months later he lost his job.

I have what I need coming in to cover what goes out. I have spent what savings I had and I am now up against it. I have told the children dad is changing his job so until that is sorted we have to make do. But I just want to cry when they grow again. And it breaks my heart when I have to say no for the millionth time because he hasn't been paying his way.

I have just got to suck it up where I can. And except I am going to get into debt.

Good he is actually looking for work. Hopefully the situation is only temporary. And you will be back to the original plan.

I would strongly reconsider the school situation. Two years is a long time and working full time and fitting everything in really is hard work. Try and make life as easy on you as you can.

@eve34 sorry about the delay in replying to your reply. It sounds dreadful what you are going through.

An update on my situation. So now ex has turned around and wants to change how we agreed to split the overnights. He threw this at me last night in front of the oldest DC (10). He says don’t I believe in equality?!? He is an equal parent with equal rights. Etc etc. The thing is no we have not been equal. For years and years he has been treating what was our home like a hotel. Spent most weekends doing his hobby with nights away every weekend spring to autumn. Missed endless things w DDs. I was in essence a single parent already then.

Previously we agreed a 6 nights w him 8 w me pattern over every two weeks. Now he wants to change that to 5/2 to him one week and the next to me. So 50/50. Mr moneybags will then of course not have to pay child maintenance even when he starts working again.
As he started —shouting— talking about this when the eldest heard it was all ‘why don’t you want us to spend as much time w daddy as you’. When the alcohol consumption came up he said he hadn’t had a drink in three days but he stood there with an empty bottle of beer and was tanked on Saturday and already drunk a bottle of wine by 5 pm (!) that day. The eldest even said ‘daddy you have been drinking a lot’

The only thing I have in writing from him re split of nights is an email where he says I agreed to his 6 nights to my 8 will involve full weekends Fri -Mon am on his weekends.

I am at a total loss for how to go from here.

It’s a difficult one Op, what do the kids want? What would they be happy with?

If he wants 50:50 then everything will be 50:50 including responsibility for arranging payment. I would push him for set days during the week so it is easier to arrange childcare for you and clear who pays for the childcare. It also means that you know which activities are on your days. So say you have Mon and Tues- you arrange childcare and pay for brownies and swimming. He always has Wed and Thurs and always pays for piano and dance.

I would say that it all depends on how the girls find the arrangements and if they are not happy then it will be negotiated. Have you mentioned his drinking to the school? I would also make it clear that when he has the girls it is his responsibility to be sober in case they need him. My guess is that sooner or later either he or the girls will give up on 50:50 so just make it really clear to all concerned that you would love to have them more and watch and wait.

Poor kids. To bring it up in front of one of them was a really low shot. Can you talk to her on her own and explain your concerns re his drinking etc?

The 50:50 is entirely about the money - so is his assertion about equality. This is an alcoholic speaking. All they really care about is more money for the next drink. Will he have to drive the kids when he has them? Will they be safe? Their safety must be your priority.

My eldest DC is very concerend about keeping everyone happy and that daddy is sad at the moment. @Pppppppp1234 DC is also of the age when everything has to be fair to the millimetre. So, this then also means time spent with either of us. However, in this transitional period of us splitting up and me starting to work full time we have had someone help after school etc. I would not say nanny but can't think of a different way to describe her. Either way, if it is his time with the DC's he often just does his own thing tinkering outside and asks the 'nanny' to stay and help with the DC. So in my mind then why the fuck are they not with me?! I can see how this will pan out.

@MyOtherProfile I have alluded to the fact that I am worried over daddy's health. Both of them see the drinking and tell him to stop or please only have one glass of wine daddy. Last night he actually stood there and said that the DD's 'do not understand the concept of social drinking' Yes, those were his exact words.

@NotBeingRobbed Yes he will need to drive them now and then. 'Unfortunately' he has never been done for anything alcohol related. He is such a suave, intelligen silver fox on first impression. Very eloquent and charming. The abusive narcicisst that he really is, is a completely different person.

Last night DC1 actually said 'but mamma, daddy has never bullied you' What on earth do one say there. She has witnessed things first hand since birth, but being a little child it does not all sink in. There is no way I can be honest here is there.....ever. That he has been mentally abusing me for 12 years and I been desperate to get away from him for years.

@NoMoreLimbo

What a very difficult situation for you. Have you sought legal advice?

I think you just have to start somewhere and see how it goes. He will soon be fed up for having to be responsible for the children. And start to make excuses.

I would start by keeping a diary of when you know he has been drinking. Again difficult as it is not for the children to police him. I would ask mine what they did for the weekend. Usually we went to the pub. I would say that's nice. You have friends there. Where did you go to eat. We stayed in the pub. So I would get an idea of how long they were in the pub. Mine were in Wetherspoons for breakfast. Then another pub lunchtime/afternoon. And usually I would collect them Sunday. From the pub.

Anyway you get the idea.