Weeks away from separating fully - now ex OH about to loose his job

[NoMoreLimbo]

Due to various circumstances my abusive and controlling exOH and I have since splitting been living under the same roof, w two DDs.
I am weeks away from moving to a new place.

We agreed I will have DD (both currently in primary school) 8 out of 14 nights. I reluctantly agreed to this on a trial basis, as he is a functioning alcoholic and has historically not been present.

We both work FT.

Now ex has been told he will get the boot from work on Monday. He has been in very well paid work his whole career. High bonuses etc.

I am petrified that our agreement will now change (as he in he will claim he will have the children more than agreed as he will not work) plus I will receive zero CM as he will be unemployed. This despite him earning over six figures last financial year.

I am worried I will end up in a situation where he will have the children more than agreed (as any parent in this situation I am of course heartbroken over not seeing my children several days a week as it is) and therefore would therefore have to pay CM to him. When I am already in a situation where I don’t know how I am going to be able to cover all bills etc month to month.

If he's actively looking for another job presume he realises he will have to pay for the childcare when's he's got them ?

@eve34 I did speak with a lawyer a while back. However, that was when we had agreed on a pattern etc and equity share. She has not taken any action for me, but just given advice. Still one meeting and a few emails has cost be £740! I would like to get in touch about this as well. Seeing as I have an email from him stating he will have them 6 out of 14 days.

It will be very interesting to see how it all pans out. Part of me would like to just go with it to 'see how it goes' . However, also and very importantly I do not want to set precedents and crucially do not want to 'gamble' with the DC's mental well being.

How often does your ex have your DC's @eve34

@notapizzaeater I have actually asked him to write down how he sees this pattern work and cost splits etc.

Once if we manage to sort of agree something I will still book a mediator appointment for us and have them write down what we agree. Otherwise knowing him he will change it again.

I will also put conditions on it and say that this pattern of days will be a trial up to a certain time when it will be reassessed. Also in there I think I will state that the Sundy night overnight with him (which he cried over when we agreed the pattern he actually chose himself (6 nights over 14) is subject to change once the school is back in September. Seeing as DC 1 will go to school 10 minutes walk from my new place. Why should she sleep at his and be kept up late as it is then he becomes fun dad after a few drinks and keeps them up late be made to take the train on her own for 30 minutes. I can drop DC2 to school myself as my boss has now turned around and said I can wfh one day more a week (I already have one wfh day) or if I am going to the office it is on the same train line I head to work.

@NoMoreLimbo sounds like you have thought it through. Yes the impact on the children is paramount. And good you get something agreed and in writing.

It might be worth getting an hour free advice somewhere else specifically about contact and your ex drinking. Although I imagine without hard evidence like drink driving. It is your word against his.

My ex has the children eow. Although there was some very poor parenting. To the point school got social services involved. Once eldest dc turned 12 he knew he had more of a say and went no contact for the past 6 months. Although has just started contact again now. I do realise 'I'm lucky' I get 12/14 days a fortnight with the children. In nearly two years ex has not had any extra contact days/holidays or even a phone call . And is constantly late and missed some of his eow over the past year. Even though I offered half the easter/Christmas holidays and during the summer break. I don't bother now. It is not for me to chase him. The children will see him for what he is as they get older. You reap what you sow. And ex is realising that now.

@eve34 oh no, your poor DC's. I can't believe the school had to get social services involved.

My eldest will be 11 in a few months. The thing is she feels sorry for daddy and he is doing to them what he has done to me; she has to get up from having her own breakfast to go and make him coffee! I see red at this, but she says 'but I want to do it for daddy'..............

she has to get up from having her own breakfast to go and make him coffee! I see red at this, but she says 'but I want to do it for daddy'......

This might change at secondary school. My dd have both become (more) feminist in their outlook at secondary school. They also now see you standing up for yourself. I would be surprised if that persists in a year or two.

I mean your dd sees you standing up for yourself.

It's not necessarily true that he won't have to pay child maintenance if you share childcare 50:50 unless your earnings are equal.

Check the CMS website for the calculation, you could be pleasantly surprised.

Yes. The start of secondary school brings lots of changes. And you just need to support her in
Being the best person she can be. But explain that parents don't need their children to 'look after them'. But we just want to make our parents happy. I can see how frustrating the situation must be for you. Show her strong boundaries and hopefully she will become more confident.