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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Proof of adultery

44 replies

Isreeh · 07/05/2019 21:52

Hi Everyone, my husband has been a complete piece of shit by admitting an affair after I had a miscarriage last year. You can read the full thread/story under relationship.

Basically I’ve decided to file for divorce (I’m in the uk) but my question is what is seen as actual proof? He had verbally admitted it to me, I have WhatsApp confessions (but are of him accusing me absolute rubbish).

My solicitor said to go for unreasonable behaviour so we can move forward quickly but it feels he will get away from the actual reason of adultery. Any advice? Thanks x

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/05/2019 21:56

Whether you have proof of the adultery or not, it won't affect the outcome of your divorce. I suggest to listen to your solicitor and get the divorce over and done with as soon as possible.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/05/2019 21:57

As far as "getting away" with it, exactly how do you think he would be punished? He won't be. Move on as quickly and painlessly as possible. The only one who will suffer trying to dig up "proof" is you.

HollowTalk · 07/05/2019 22:00

You don't need proof. You say what you want to say (don't go overboard, just be very factual) and if he denies it, that's when it causes a problem. If he doesn't, it just goes through. I'm so sorry.

Original poster
Isreeh · 07/05/2019 22:02

Thanks @aquamarine1029 for the advice. The reason I feel adultery is more suited because he let me down when I was at my most volunerable. Also he thinks he’s some big shot at work (works for fire services) with high morals and values but in reality he’s a fraud and cheat. I’m just so hurt and he considers his reputation as high status. He cheated on me in our first year of marriage after I had a miscarriage but blames me! 😥💔

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ivegotthisyeah · 07/05/2019 22:03

I had proof in the form of a poor baby, so did it on adultery but didn't name her to save time. She would of had to sign and agree and could easily delay things and just didn't seem worth it. There no gain from naming her or grounds being adultery i don't believe

ivegotthisyeah · 07/05/2019 22:04

Also need to add the divorce settlement the adultery bit has no bearings on the outcome of settlement it's done on what's fair not who's to blame unfortunately. It's hard but it's the law xx

BoneyBackJefferson · 07/05/2019 22:07

Isreeh

In this case do what the solicitor advises, it will be much quicker , easier and better for you in the long run.

You can put the affair as part of the unreasonable behaviour if you want to. But as has been said it won't effect the divorce.

Original poster
Isreeh · 07/05/2019 22:07

@ivegotthisyeah, thank you for the advice too. I wonder if I agree not to name her he might just agree? Either way he’s off on holiday with her right now and it’s too painful as they’ve taken away my promised future so soon after marriage. 💔

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/05/2019 22:09

You want revenge, op, and that is totally understandable. He is a shit person and he hurt you horribly. Your best revenge will be to move on a live a happy life. I promise you that someone like him with such low character and morals will not. Resentment is a VERY dangerous animal. It will only serve to eat you alive like a cancer. You should pity your ex. It's a horrible thing to be such a pathetic, base, and hurtful human being.

Original poster
Isreeh · 07/05/2019 22:14

@aquamarine1029 I guess I do want revenge because of what he’s put me through! I know the best revenge is to move forward and let his scum of a man have the phycho bitch. He’s lost a good woman for his stupid sexual desires. But my situation is worse, it’s a full on affair with emotional and physical attachment.

OP posts:
ivegotthisyeah · 07/05/2019 22:19

@Isreeh it's heartbreaking but soon you will be on the other side and be happy again Thanks. Always remember there are other ways to name her Winkand no doubt all those that matter to you already know who she is and what she did. I've been there wanted everyone to know and to be fair they already did. They'll think she and him are pathetic and karma will one day get them x

Aquamarine1029 · 07/05/2019 22:20

The situation really doesn't matter, op, because the outcome would have been the same. Even if it had been a one night stand, your pain would be the same. Stop focusing on his life and work on repairing yours. I know you may not feel this now, but being rid of him is one of the best things that will ever happen to you

Original poster
Isreeh · 07/05/2019 22:26

@ivegotthisyeah, Tbh I won’t name her officially but will tell his family and friends the real reason. I’m just hurt and shocked the law lets these fuckers get away with it! My poor retired father paid for the wedding and my H asked for my hand in marriage. All for what? I hate what he’s done to me and my family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isreeh · 07/05/2019 22:30

@ivegotthisyeah, how did you deal with the pain and humiliation? X

OP posts:
ivegotthisyeah · 07/05/2019 22:41

@Isreeh the old cliche of time. Tbh I was humiliated and so very hurt by his betrayal and the family life he took away from my children. However I grew to realise that actually he's the one everyone looks at at thinks what a dick he the one that needs to be embarrassed and ashamed of what he did. Deep down no matter how cocky they are they now what they did is wrong and what they have done. Two years on my ex tells me he will never ever get over what he did. He knows he fucked up his life and will never have a life like he did. It's then gets to that point where it becomes sad as I've moved on and he has realised what he has done. You'll be the one now crying and dealing with it then you'll slowly get over it and then it will be his turn it will smack him in the face. Hold you head up high carry on as normal and always wear your smile no matter how shit you feel. Don't lose confidence and cry when you need to xx

ivegotthisyeah · 07/05/2019 22:42

@ The situation really doesn't matter, op, because the outcome would have been the same. Even if it had been a one night stand, your pain would be the same. Stop focusing on his life and work on repairing yours. I know you may not feel this now, but being rid of him is one of the best things that will ever happen to you
And this 🔼

mineofuselessinformation · 07/05/2019 22:52

You can add in under unreasonable behaviour as 'reason to believe X had an emotional / sexual affair with another woman'.

Original poster
Isreeh · 07/05/2019 22:58

@ivegotthusyeah, I’m so sorry you had a terrible time too, and your poor children. It must have been so f-fing hard! My heart really goose out to you too! ❤️

My situation has been like this since the new year and I’ve cried so much that I think I’m running out of tears! The pain just kills you inside and stays like a heavy stone in your chest. Luckily I don’t have any children with him so I can have a clean break. I really hope one day he walks up and release how he’s damaged him life and thrown away a future of real love and happiness. 💔😥

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Original poster
Isreeh · 07/05/2019 23:02

@mineofuselessinformation, In unreasonable behaviour you can actually name the person?

OP posts:
NSA2103 · 07/05/2019 23:23

I caught my wife having an affair - she made a pocket call one evening when away, and I heard them shagging. In the following few days she filed for divorce citing my unreasonable behaviour! I will always hold the high moral ground and have good karma. That keeps me sane and strong.

If the marriage is over, don't waste much time over the reason you provide.

2018anewstart · 08/05/2019 03:41

However hard it is ( i know I've been there). Unreasonable behaviour is the quickest way to file for a divorce. My solicitor advised this and I took her advice. As one of the reasons for unreasonable behaviour I put inappropriate relationship with another woman.

Graphista · 08/05/2019 05:02

I filed on grounds of unreasonable behaviour as I didn't have legal proof of ex's affair (I was advised you basically need photos 'in the act' to achieve that if they won't admit it formally) before her pregnancy was apparent.

Even then he wouldn't admit she was further along than he was claiming and the child was conceived while we were still together.

But I put it in the details of the "unreasonable behaviour" -

I can't remember exactly how it was put but something like

Seeking affection outside the marriage in an inappropriate way

And I gave the reasons why I thought this inc suddenly "working late", the texts and emails I'd seen between the 2 of them etc.

All factual, all of which I had proof of so he couldn't legally deny - which he hated!

Because like yours he enjoyed having the reputation of being a "good guy" and wanted to make out it was all my fault.

Of course her pregnancy put paid to that too! Because people didn't believe their bullshit that she was 2-3 months less pregnant than she was.

Yea there's no financial or legal gain but it IS satisfying that he had to sign a form agreeing he'd become a shit husband and father!

And it is true what pp say karma works.

I'm 16 years down the line now. He dragged his heels on the divorce in order to avoid marrying her - which I was able to put her straight on him claiming that was me!

The night before THEIR wedding he was trying to proposition me. He's told me on several occasions completely unprompted by me that he never intended for their relationship to become serious and he deeply regrets us breaking up, the first time he said this was in reaction to that first pregnancy.

He's cheated on her multiple times and I have it on good authority they're both miserable.

They've had 5 kids, he won't leave because he doesn't want to take the financial hit, she won't leave because she fears he'll do to her kids what he did to dd - he hasn't seen her in years and never paid cm reliably.

So I'm really glad I never acted out any of my revenge fantasies because they are miserable PURELY As a result of their own actions and they know that.

Get rid, move on and when karma hits them in the ass laugh!

GemmaFoster · 08/05/2019 05:28

Definitely follow your Solicitor’s advice and use behaviour. If he does not admit to the adultery you will not be able to move your divorce forwards. If you name another person in the adultery they become part of your case and also have to sign and admit. You may end up having to change your reasons to behaviour which will incur more cost and more time. No one sees your papers apart from you, him, a couple of court staff & a judge. Once you are divorced your absolute will just say that the marriage has ended, no reasons are given. Good luck op.

Phillipa12 · 08/05/2019 06:02

The reasons for divorce wont follow you, he can tell everyone he knows that the marraige just broke down and they would be none the wiser. I do feel for you op, my ex did exactly the same just after i had had a baby, i went down the route of unreasonable behaviour but one of the reasons was ' inappropriate texting of an unknown female' he was none to happy, i just pointed out that it was true.

barryfromclareisfit · 08/05/2019 06:09

One of the unreasonable behaviours I used was ‘attempting to strangle me to death’ and another was ‘forming and maintaining a relationship with a woman, which he described as a friendship with heavy petting’. It didn’t feel like he was getting away with anything.