Proof of adultery

[Isreeh]

Hi Everyone, my husband has been a complete piece of shit by admitting an affair after I had a miscarriage last year. You can read the full thread/story under relationship.

Basically I’ve decided to file for divorce (I’m in the uk) but my question is what is seen as actual proof? He had verbally admitted it to me, I have WhatsApp confessions (but are of him accusing me absolute rubbish).

My solicitor said to go for unreasonable behaviour so we can move forward quickly but it feels he will get away from the actual reason of adultery. Any advice? Thanks x

@barryfrom.....sorry, I really don't mean to downplay your situation but this made me laugh;
a friendship with heavy petting

What an absolute tosser. Who the hell woukd actually think that was ok? I hope you have recovered from your situation.

Don't be pressured into putting unreasonable behaviour if you want to put adultery. I didn't want to be forced into listing behaviours that were not the reason for the divorce. The reason was the adultery. I didn't name her and it didn't matter. Ex-DH wanted the divorce so was happy to accept adultery.

If you want the divorce to go through quickly, go with the flow and don't give the other party any reason not to sign the papers.

It may not satisfy your desire to have adultery as the reason but, as a friend bitterly advised me during my divorce... "Nobody else gives a sh!t".

He was right.

Sweetheart, listen to your solicitor and get him gone.

If he won't admit his adultery for the court you will not get your divorce unless you amend to UB (more expense). The pieces of paper make no difference to the truth of what happened.

Get this over with so you can get on with your real life and find happiness again. Don't let his acts hold you back from living your life.

Even though the real reason is adultery and he’s still seeing her, I can see why people are advising UB. It does give me the opportunity to state other reasons to why he’s a massive dick. Since the OW came on the scene he’s changed to this narsist prick, drinking heavy, arrogant, abandonment, blames me for his behaviour, emotional and phychological abuse (I’ve gone into slight depression, my self esteem is low, I’m now seeking my own counselling to help deal with the miscarriage, loss of my husband and promised future). It’s all so heart breaking people who you think love you are the ones to hurt you the most 😥😓

Counselling sounds like a very good idea. Much better way of addressing your completely justifiable feelings than courts and lawyers.

I am a family solicitor, it is so so common for clients to want to use us to work out their anger and sadness and fear, but it isn't what we are for, and it is toxic for the client. Please, let your solicitor get you out of your marriage with minimum fuss, and use your time, energy, and cash on healing and rebuilding yourself. Please.

@Isreeh they always turn into nasty prices of work when they've been found out. It's to ease their own guilt. They blame the wife says it's all the wife's doing when really everyone including you know this ain't the truth this version of him will pass it's how he has to deal with the mess he has made and the guilt and embarrassment. Rise above it your the better person it's hard but you know the truth xx

@ivegotthisyeah I totally agree! My H is not the man I married, a totally different person since the affair started. I do know the OW is extremely manipulative and changed his views about marriage. Regardless he is the one who screwed up and made the vows to me.

In the short marriage I know I’m not entitled to any financial gain but I guess due to the distress (emotional and physical abuse) he seems to have got off Scott free. I wish their was a way to make him pay but I know it’s a lost battle 💔😔😡

Going for UB is easier - unless the law has changed since I divorced, adultery cannot be grounds unless the other party is prepared to admit it.

@mineofuselessinformation, he’s admitted it to me (whattsapp and vernal) but whether he does that with the divorce papers in another question.

He’s a total arse and now on holiday (probably with the OW). It’s a shame we can’t get compensation for the mental and emotional abuse! 💔😡

If you don't have solid evidence I would simply cite irreconcilable differences and get out of the marriage quickly and cleanly. I wouldnt want a long drawn out process from going with adultery. Especially if you think your ex would refute the claim and fight it.
I understand you think it will make you feel better but you won't get more in the divorce or anything. And if you already know then surely that counts for enough.
Don't put yourself through any more hassle and upset.

Sorry I'm late in coming back - yes, I did name her.
XH hated it that I did, but I believe his solicitor must have advised him to just accept it as he wanted to divorce anyway.

My ex husband divorced me for adultery, I wanted to cite his unreasonable behaviour but my solicitor advised me that the quickest way was to let him divorce me, I refused to let him name my partner & the divorce went through with unknown Co-respondent. We split in May & were divorced by October. I would go with whatever would get the divorce over & done with quickest.

I knew a man so unhappy with a list of his failings in the divorce papers associated with a a divorce in the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, that he decided to accept ‘Adultery With An Unnamed Woman’ after all.
In the unreasonable behaviour list it included, demurely, “Respondent lived as if he were single” and a whole host of harsh yet neatly put bullet points.

My friend kept her dignity and there was nothing Jeremy Kyle about it!

Thanks for the advice everyone. I’ve decided unreasonable behaviour is the best way forward with a side letter of how the whole situation has effected me with more details. The reason for the side letter is because my solicitor adviced to keep the reasons short. I’m still torn because I still love him but I’ve lost my own self respect and dignity by giving him endless chances.

The courts are divorcing you not counselling you. Write the letter to yourself or talk to a counsellor

The courts don’t care what the reasons are. The side letter will only cost you more.

There is no point for you, in seeking to prove adultery. When you get your divorce, nobody except you and him will know the reasons given so he won't "suffer" and you won't get any revenge. It'll just be something written on your divorce papers. What you need right now is a quick divorce and to move on, you don't need a big helping of "sweet revenge".

My ex was unfaithful within a month of our marriage......he also had a 2 year affair from when I got pregnant until our DS was a year old . I wanted to kill him, I was so humiliated. But I live in a country where no-fault divorce is the only type of divorce, and really I'm glad. I didn't have to retell the story or live through the humiliation again and again. I moved on with my life . It's the best way to get your own back - live well and prosper .

The side letter is more for me to give him with the paper and not for the courts. It would only be beneficial to me because unreasonable behaviour has to short reasons.