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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

AIBU? Newly separated, teenage sons going to Dad's

45 replies

Notsurehow2handlethis · 28/04/2019 12:51

My husband asked for a divorce in February, moved out yesterday. He was supposed to move out today but moved out in stealth yesterday morning when I was sleeping. Told our sons this was to "avoid a confrontation" although I've been very reasonable and non confrontational (not easy) despite finding out in March that the real reason he wanted to divorce was his long running affair with a member of the extended family. I overheard him say to our 18 year old on Friday something about 11am today, and once I realised that he'd moved out yesterday I asked the boys what the plan was for Sunday and mentioned that I'd heard my stbx mention 11am. The 16 year old didn't want to talk about it, the 18 year old got very nasty about it (shades of the way his dad talks to me) and said if I wanted to know I should ask. I wouldnt have known if i hadnt overheard a comment which was basically "11am Sunday" as he went to bed, so wouldn't have known to ask. My question is, given the boys ages is it unreasonable of me to expect my stbx to let me know when he is having them to stay overnight? They both have school tomorrow. I could've been sitting here today with a Sunday roast on the table not knowing where they were or when they would be back. To expand a little I had told stbx on thursday that I had made plans to be out from 10am today for a couple of hours to give him space to move out but would then be back for the boys in case they were upset. If I'd stuck to my plans I wouldn't have seen them leave.

OP posts:
Redshoeblueshoe · 28/04/2019 12:54

If your 18 year old is treating you like shit I'd tell him to move in with his dad

PotteringAlong · 28/04/2019 12:55

If the 18 year old is nasty I agree, he can live elsewhere.

HollowTalk · 28/04/2019 12:56

I agree with that actually - if he's an adult and treating you like shit, you really shouldn't have him living with you

Chasingsquirrels · 28/04/2019 12:57

I think at 16 and 18 your sons will have their own relationship with their father and make their own arrangements.
What I would expect is the courtesy of any household member to let me know in advance where plans are expected to differ from the norm. In this case that means if they are usually around the house they let you know that they won't be.
So it's down to your sons to keep you informed, not your ex.

1WayOrAnother · 28/04/2019 12:58

On a practical level you need to know how many people you're feeding and when. Its not unreasonable for you to be informed about when they're spending time at their dad's. Just like if they were going to a friend's house for lunch/tea.
Whether you need to be consulted is another matter. At their ages theyre pretty much able to make their own minds up about where they want to be. I'd save your battles for times & things you feel strongly about.
Sounds like your ex is playing games tbh, don't join in. Its a waste of energy and will bring you only more stress. Good luck.

HollowTalk · 28/04/2019 12:59

It must be really tough for your boys to learn he's having an affair with a family member - that is so tacky and Jeremy Kyle-ish. They must feel really embarrassed. It doesn't excuse them treating you badly, though.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 28/04/2019 13:03

Definitely not your ex's responsibility. One of the boys is an adult, and the other not far off. This is about the communication between you and them.

Original poster
Notsurehow2handlethis · 28/04/2019 13:08

I'm hoping that as things settle down so will my 18 year old, but Yes, he does have the option to move in with his Dad and I know that is what his Dad wants.
Chasing squirrels- I got the impression from my 16 year old that he'd been told not to tell me because it was none of my business. He'd been told I "Didn't need to know" by his Dad. That's why I thought his Dad should perhaps tell me instead so they weren't put in the middle. Stbx is quite controlling (I've not been allowed to choose how to cut my hair, and withholding house keeping at random because I didn't deserve it) and i think thus is another example of that

OP posts:
Original poster
Notsurehow2handlethis · 28/04/2019 13:14

1wayoranother- I'm not expecting to be consulted, I just think I should've been told and that the boys shouldn't have been asked to keep it quiet, that's all. I'm just aware that I'm feeling very emotional at the moment and wanted to check with others on here as it is all very new

OP posts:
ADarkandStormyKnight · 28/04/2019 13:21

This is a new situation which is getting off to a bas start because of the behaviour of your ex. How shouldn't be sneaking off, keeping you in the dark, telling the boys there will be confrontations or asking them to keep secrets. He has put them in an appalling situation.

Let it go for now and when they are back find a good moment to talk to them about it (if they want to) and ask them to let you know when they'll be at their dads.

Remember its early days and he's gone now so take care of yourself and don't expect too much from the boys while they adjust.

Itsallchange · 28/04/2019 13:22

Stay strong hun sounds so frustrating that your H is trying to play your boys against you. When they come home just ask if they could confirm when they won’t be at home so you can make plans for food etc. They will not want to be in the middle and will be feeling angry and confused, probably more so at their dad but they always take it out on the person they can rely on and know will always support them. Do something nice today and take one day at a time xx

AvengersAssemble · 28/04/2019 13:29

YABU, your kids are 16 and 18!

Original poster
Notsurehow2handlethis · 28/04/2019 13:29

Thank you, I will do that

OP posts:
1WayOrAnother · 28/04/2019 14:45

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound like I was telling you off. Just trying to separate out the issues. Its a difficult time for you at the moment. I know how easy it is to join in with game playing, even when you genuinely have no intention of doing so.

mummmy2017 · 28/04/2019 14:52

Don't play this game...
Your ex wants to have control still.
Be the relaxed parent....
At this age you can just cook a meal that you can leave in the fridge and freeze down.
Simple stick a calender up on the side and ask them to mark if they will be home.....
You do not need to chase these boys, let them fall or rise, since it is all change in your house, get them to do their own washing and other stuff...
Grab a life girl this is your time.

Chasingsquirrels · 28/04/2019 15:32

The controlling stuff sounds horrible and I can see how this could seem to be a continuation of it, but you can choose not to let it be.
Be clear on your expectations of others living in your house, respect for you and other household members and the property, and the consequences of this not happening.
Then it won't matter who they are out with, the expectation is that you are informed that they won't be there. I'm thinking more about daytime/evening here rather than overnight.
I think with the 16yo this is harder, he isn't yet an adult and you will want to know where he is (I also have a 16yo, if he was staying away for the night I'd want to know where he was!).

Chasingsquirrels · 28/04/2019 15:33

A calendar where they can mark when they will / won't be home is a good idea.

Drum2018 · 28/04/2019 15:45

You have a whole new life to look forward to, have your hair how you like it, do as you please when you want, without taking any shit from your exprick! He is of course still trying to control things via the boys. They are old enough to know that they need to tell you when they will be with their dad and when they will be home. If you cook a dinner and they don't arrive home, plate it up and freeze it. Have a few frozen pizzas for the days they come back unannounced. Don't make a scene if they try to get a rise out of you because their father has put them in the middle. They are old enough to make decisions about who they want to live with, when they want to spend time with their father, and they are old enough to know that they need to respect you in your home. It will take a little adjusting to settle into a new routine for everyone. You need to start putting yourself first now and do things for yourself.

Itsnotme123 · 28/04/2019 16:35

Just keep the door open for them, don’t ask questions, keep pizzas in the freezer, ready meals, cook a casserole, freeze it in portions just so there’s always food for them, start getting used to the home being like a shared house.

When they fell it’s a relaxed no pressure home, they’ll stay more.

Original poster
Notsurehow2handlethis · 28/04/2019 16:36

Thank you everyone for the tips and kind comments. I already have a big whiteboard in the kitchen where we can write appointments etc, I'll suggest the boys use it for time with their Dad too.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 28/04/2019 16:47

When I was cooking for elderly parents I used to make about 30 portions at a time of various easy meals, fill up those plastic takeaway boxes and put them in the freezer. Label and date everything, keep rice, pasta, potatoes in stock plus extra frozen veg.
Do a batch cook every few days then relax.
Nobody will starve.
They can do their own washing.
Tell your eldest he is welcome to stay with his dad, but equally welcome to come and spend time with you if he wants.
I bet your ex will soon find his style a bit cramped with OW tbh.
16 year old will probably need a bit more support. Is he at school/college nearby?

RomanyQueen1 · 28/04/2019 16:51

!8 year old is treating you like shit. Either he stops it or goes. You can't have him continuing to believe his Dad is right. it's never too late.
The kids should be telling you when they are going, not your ex.
In fact there's no reason for you to speak to your x or ow at all.
If the kids can't manage it they'll soon let you know when they've missed a few meals.
It's time for them to grow up, become independant and make their own way. As for ex, well he's history now, time to move on and ignore him. He can't make you speak to him, he's ex. Grin

titchy · 28/04/2019 16:51

You all need to settle into a new normal - as pp say it's not your ex's responsibility to tell you when he's having the kids. It's their responsibility to let you know.

Once everything is a bit more settled if they're still being arsey flip it round so rather than telling you when they're not back for dinner, get them to tell you when they are. And don't make dinner for them unless they've specifically said so. Keep stuff in freezer for them though. In fact it could be a good opportunity for them to learn to cook for themselves....

Auntpetunia2015 · 28/04/2019 17:00

Same ages as my two they communicate directly with ex about when they see him all the do is tell me in a “seeing dad Saturday night for food!” Type way. I don’t want or need to know anything else. I do as has been suggested above batch cook and keep staples in. Your 18 year old needs a lesson in manners and now is the time to do it. In simple terms just say you have had enough of being spoken to in such a rude manner from his dad and now his dad has gone you won’t accept it in your house. If he wants to go live with dad he’s more than welcome but obviously he’s always welcome back anytime. If he doesn’t want to live with dad then he learns to treat you with respect. He’s an adult treat him like one.

AuntieStella · 28/04/2019 17:15

'He'd been told I "Didn't need to know" by his Dad'

Don't play the dad's games.

Just tell them, in an utterly matter of fact way, that they can come and go to see their family and friends, and their dad is no different.

All you need to know is a) when people will be in, so you know about meals etc, b) what time people will return (so you know when to worry about them if they don't) and c) some vague idea of where they'll be - so if they don't return and you have to end up calling the police you have some idea of where they might start (ie much the same rules as for an au pair). Tell them that you trust them to let you know if there are any significant incidents or changes of plan whilst they are out.

There will be a dawning realisation that their DDad made a mistake in asking for secrecy. But better to let them find that out for themselves.

Let your emotion out on here. In front of DC you are unfazed about the changes to their social life (which might be a useful way to think of them having one more household to visit)