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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

AIBU? Newly separated, teenage sons going to Dad's

45 replies

Notsurehow2handlethis · 28/04/2019 12:51

My husband asked for a divorce in February, moved out yesterday. He was supposed to move out today but moved out in stealth yesterday morning when I was sleeping. Told our sons this was to "avoid a confrontation" although I've been very reasonable and non confrontational (not easy) despite finding out in March that the real reason he wanted to divorce was his long running affair with a member of the extended family. I overheard him say to our 18 year old on Friday something about 11am today, and once I realised that he'd moved out yesterday I asked the boys what the plan was for Sunday and mentioned that I'd heard my stbx mention 11am. The 16 year old didn't want to talk about it, the 18 year old got very nasty about it (shades of the way his dad talks to me) and said if I wanted to know I should ask. I wouldnt have known if i hadnt overheard a comment which was basically "11am Sunday" as he went to bed, so wouldn't have known to ask. My question is, given the boys ages is it unreasonable of me to expect my stbx to let me know when he is having them to stay overnight? They both have school tomorrow. I could've been sitting here today with a Sunday roast on the table not knowing where they were or when they would be back. To expand a little I had told stbx on thursday that I had made plans to be out from 10am today for a couple of hours to give him space to move out but would then be back for the boys in case they were upset. If I'd stuck to my plans I wouldn't have seen them leave.

OP posts:

pikapikachu · 28/04/2019 17:42

I have kids that age. They don't have to tell me who they are seeing and where but tell me if they are staying out overnight. My 18yo is very private but would tell me if he wasn't planning to be back by his normal time of 9-11pm on weekends.

In my case there's a routine with their Dad so I know they are with their dad every other Saturday but they would text me if they were staying Sunday as well (if Monday was a bank holiday or something)

pikapikachu · 28/04/2019 17:43

My 16 and 18yo are good cooks and are incentivised to tell me so I can make sure that there is stuff that they can cook when they come in.

Palaver1 · 29/04/2019 06:34

Think it’s going to be extremely difficult to pull the elder one back with his behaviour.Encourage him to leave and let him know you prefer it due to his behaviour you realise if it’s not stopped he will do the same in his adult life to his wife.
Im sad as it’s family related do you have a job and things to keep you busy.
His leaving at that time for me seems okay.
Don’t ask your sons anything and why are they not cooking their own means train them to become men of the future.
All the best

ADarkandStormyKnight · 29/04/2019 07:22

Gosh I wouldn't be asking him to leave at this time.

He's 18 but I can't imagine it's been easy for the boys while their parents are divorcing, revelations of the OW etc. They may well be worried about what will happen next (e.g. will the house be sold, will mum also get another partner?) and what it all means for them, and they need to feel safe and loved more than ever. As a PP has said, kids often act out with the parent they feel safest with, and the OP has said that he's picking this up from his dad, who is now thankfully gone.

That doesn't mean that bad behaviour shouldn't be challenged, and if he wants to live with his dad then accept that he's old enough to make that decision for himself.

acomingin · 29/04/2019 07:25

Do they know he's been screwing another woman?

Singlenotsingle · 29/04/2019 08:41

Your DS are adults now. Even the 16yo is old enough to get married. So treat them like adults. If they want to go and live with their df, that's fine but if they want to live with you, it's time to start treating you with respect and consideration. I wouldn't be cooking for them. They can cook for themselves, AND clear and wash up afterwards. That means you can start to enjoy your life without worrying so much about other people. You can go out with friends, go cinema, weekends away, and leave the ds to look after themselves.

ScreamScreamIceCream · 29/04/2019 08:51

I don't understand why people think pandering to older teenagers poor behaviour is ok. At some point they have to leave home and stand on their own two feet. Most people end up having to share when they leave home and if your behaviour is rude unlike at home other people won't stand for it.

So OP if your 18 is rude tell him to live with his dad or move out. He will then realise he needs to modify his behaviour.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 29/04/2019 08:54

Really? You would stop cooking for your kids the same week their dad moved out?

I'm all for nurtring independence but right now they need support and reassurance. Withdrawing that now is only going to cause more problems. Imagins what a field day the dad would have if the boys turn up at his saying mum won't cook dinner for them any more.

mummmy2017 · 29/04/2019 09:09

Not how I read it
OP is still cooking and will make them a meal if home, or leave left overs in the fridge.

As their dad was controling, I bet the boys will love the relaxed atmosphere at home now he is gone.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 29/04/2019 09:15

My response wasn't to the OP but to those advocating a 'don't pander to the boys' line. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

Cheekyfeckery · 29/04/2019 09:19

Its about courtesy - and you should be able to expect that from your adult children.

Happens in my house. If I’ve got dinner in then they can go after. I never say no, but they need to treat me fairly.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 29/04/2019 09:50

Courtesy hasn't been shown by the dad, and the boys are picking up on it. Yes it needs dealing with. But with sensitivity.

ReganSomerset · 29/04/2019 10:01

Some good advice above. Don't make yourself the bad guy. It sounds like their dad may have coached them - when your mum says this (because she will, as she's controlling and likes to make a scene) respond with... Best way around that is not to say what their dad has told them to you will. I wouldn't mention their dad to them at all if I were you. Just get them to mark, as mentioned above, when they will be out and where they will be going on the calendar. I wouldn't even utter the words 'when you're at your dad's'. Just make it a blanket rule for whenever they are not under your roof after school.

inchoccyheaven · 29/04/2019 16:14

It is a difficult time for you all and I wouldn't be rushing into any hasty decisions especially regarding your eldest son.
He is probably finding it difficult to deal with his parents splitting up and if he knows about his dads affair he might be conflicted in how he feels about it all. If he doesn't know he could be thinking as his dad has left its your fault.
You don't have to let him get away with treating you like crap but I would wait and see how it goes before asking him to move out.
He is an adult but he is still young and when everyone is hurting its easy to forget that he still needs you.

As others have suggested i would just say they need to let you know if won't be home for food or if out overnight.

stucknoue · 29/04/2019 21:41

My h did try and talk to my DD's to get them onside and it went very badly so he's now back to me doing the talking, dd18 said she only wants to go out if I'm there too! Dd21 said she would rather he just went!

Palaver1 · 30/04/2019 06:39

My reasons are clear
Would OP be kind enough to tell us her ethnic background.
Stand by what I’ve said .A child who has learnt to disrespect his mother is on a slippery slope.This has been going on for sometime this is a situation whereby the sons are allowed to make decisions on the mothers behalf.
Again Op if you do not pull this behaviour back your sons will do unto others as they are doing to you.
What about them cooking for her what about them making their mother feel special.

isthismylifenow · 30/04/2019 06:52

Same age as my dc. They don't go into detail, but they do just say something along the lines of oh we are going to dad on Sunday etc. (not that things usually go according to that plan, but lets leave that one for now).

But, it is very early days and everyone is probably feeling uncomfortable at the moment, my ds also lashed out a bit in the beginning. I let it slide once as he isnt a talker to get things off his chest, he plays up a bit, have a bit of volcanic eruption about everything, and then we move on. I can always tell when he has spent extended time with his dad as comes out with comments and snide remarks, same sort of thing that his dad would have said. After this happened on the second occasion we had a very long sit down discussion about it. Its what he grew up hearing, so that was a little bit of a bump in the road for me.

It will settle down OP, i am sure. The shitty thing is that its you that has to deal with the aftermath from the psychological side of the situation. Yes he is 18 and officially an adult. But he is going through something huge as well. This is when you need to be stern with how he speak and treats you, yet also a little patient too. If this makes sense.

AuntieStella · 30/04/2019 07:43

Also, if he's 18, there's a good chance he has important exams coming up. The last thing he needs is to be pushed (or even thrown) out. And DS2 at 16 may well be in a major exam year too.

And yes, you need to get him back on to an even keel as soon as possible, but always remember that much of the recent incidents were coming straight from XH. And be just as worried about DS2 who has been going silent on you.

How have the last few days gone?

Original poster

Notsurehow2handlethis · 30/04/2019 22:45

Thank you everyone for your support and comments. Things have calmed down a bit, and myself and my youngest two have sat down and talked a few things through tonight, and hopefully that will help. My 18 year old has said he is finding it very awkward and difficult. I've talked through using the whiteboard to let each other know when we are busy, and put a couple of appointments that I have on it to start the ball rolling. My youngest is now talking about it a little but not as much as his brother, and yes this does worry me, but I will keep an eye on it.

OP posts:

Palaver1 · 01/05/2019 23:21

Excellent well done

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