Two months separated and feel so alone

[jeshow]

As the title says, I separated from my wife two months back and moved out of the family home. She cheated on me last year and whilst we went to counselling as I wanted to work things out she just wasn't interested anymore. It has broken my heart.

We'd been together for 13 years and I never thought anything like this would happen. We have two beautiful children and I thought we were really happy. Within two weeks of separation she was seeing another man which has been really hard to take.

I just feel so alone most of the time. I hate waking up alone, I hate not having someone to share my life with. I just feel very hopeless at the moment. My wife was the only person I'd ever dated and right now it feels like I'll face the rest of my life alone.

I'd really appreciate to hear from anywhere who's going through a similar situation or has been here and come out the other side. I could with some hope. Thanks for reading.

It is early days for you. Take it Day by day. Hour by hour if you have too.

I do know how hard it is. And more so for you being away from the family home and your children.

Gather people around you. Seek counselling and talk to your gp for support. You are grieving. And that takes time.

Try and keep busy. I started volunteering when I didn't have the children. It gave the weekends a routine and got me out of the house. My next idea is to join a rambling group. Hopefully full of old people so I can keep up.

You will come out the other side. And it will be ok. Because what is the alternative? But it takes time. I'm 18 months down the line after 14 years together with ex. I have more ok days now. But still sad for what I thought we had. I'm now at a point I feel ready to date again but I'm glad I didn't rush into anything. It would of been for the wrong reasons. Because I was lonely and felt unworthy. Just do what feels right for you.

Thanks for taking the time to reply eve34.

I'm lucky to have a very loving family around me and some amazing friends. I went out this morning and cycled 15km and really do feel better for it. It's not something I've done in years.

I will get there, I keep telling myself that.

Hi
I'm going through the same . 5 weeks ago I found out that my husband if 15 years is having an affair with a girl at his work .
Within an hour of finding out he left me to be with her .
I never got any of the begging / the pleading / the I'm sorry we can go to counselling he just packed his bags and left me .
I did the begging asking if he could stop seeing her he laughed in my face and said no and the marriage was over just like that .
As I say that was 5 weeks ago and since then although I have never seen or heard from him he keeps doing things to hurt me .
This has ranged from getting Victoria secrets delivered to the house although he doesn't live here . On Tuesday I came home from work and her scarf was on my bed !
So I know exactly what you are going through and how alone you feel it's agony but I do believe when people say it gets better I just don't know when .

So sorry to hear what you're going though karenb6702

My wife got with someone else within two weeks of us separating, though they'd been texting each other for weeks before we split in February. I've found out today that this guy has been spending lots of time with her and our kids. It's just so heartbreaking. I'm struggling to understand how the woman I loved could be doing all of this. I know I'll get through it, but life feels pretty bleak at the moment. I think with it being Easter and usually the time we were together as a family has just made today so very hard.

I am sorry you are going through this also it's agony like an actual pain in the heart .

I have no family at all his family have never once been in touch with me either no a text message from any of them .

I know exactly what you are going through if you ever want to talk just let me know as I think it's the lonely feeling that's compounding the hurt as well .

Bank holiday weekends suck. Especially if you normally do something. As a family. It is good you have family around you and I know it fills a gap. But it is not the same. You deserve better. And I hope in time you see that too

@karenb6702 That is terrible behaviour. I'm so sorry he is behaving so badly. I hope you haven't given him the satisfaction of rising to it. Although I can't imagine that is easy.

Thank you @karenb6702 I'll probably take you up on that offer of messaging. It's nice to know I'm not alone. I loved, in fact still love, my wife to bits. She was my best friend and my world. Living without her and knowing she is now with someone else makes life so hard. Her family used to be really close to me but they've pretty much accepted this new guy in her life now. I feel like I've lost everything and that it's really not fair.

My marriage ended 7 years ago. I had the speech. Found out he was texting OW. Felt devastated at the time, couldn’t see how I would ever get through it but I did. I had a lot of support on MN.

It took a long time and a lot of counselling for me, but we are all different. My male friend whose wife left him was dating again within months and happy again now. Personally I’m happier not being in a relationship.

7 years on, I’m ok. I’m still sad at times though for what could have been. I miss the family dynamic sometimes.

Keep yourself busy, make sure you eat properly. Get counselling if you feel you can’t move on. It’s the best thing I ever did.

My XH is now married to the woman he was texting. It’s been hard but You will get there.

@myhamsteratefreddiestarr My wife seems to have moved on really quickly. I really miss being with someone but I don't think I'm ready for a relationship yet. I'm currently living with my mum, which is over an hour away from my kids, so that doesn't help. But I have got a house lined up to move into next month. I'm hoping that once I get in my own home things will start to feel better. I think it's going to take a long time.

Like you, I miss the family unit. I miss the four of us being at home together enjoying time in the garden. I miss the days out with picnics. I miss it all so much. Bank holidays just make it that much harder.

Hi there. I am new to this site and this is my first post. I am still living with my husbsnd in Ireland. We lived in London for 33 years. We have 2 kids 18 and 13. We have had a rocky marriage from start mainly because of his volatile temper and he drinks too much despite many years of telling him to cut down. He is however an amazing dad... Ill give him that. It is my decision to call it a day so at least he hadnt gone with another woman. I loved my London life and if we had stayed there perhaps I would have just put up with it as I was busy and had lots of friends and loved my job etc. Coming back here just laid bare the state of our marriage. We have had good times too I must admit. I have always asked for affection but he isnt capable of showing it but is capable to show it to the children. He did love me as incredibly kind to me if ever I was ill etc but could never show it like I wanted him too. Maybe I am just too romantic but I have got more lonely by the day. Hardest thing for me is that my children are staying in Ireland. Both seem ok with this and have been so understanding. They have seen me struggle from day I relocated here. It is simply beautiful here but it is far far to remote and has affected my mental health badly. I have had a very tearful Easter and feel so alone and so overwhelmed about my decision to leave but I am too unhappy to stay and at 52 if I dont do it now I never will. I will have to move to new area where I will know nobody and have to find a new job etc. I am just beyond scared for my future and only for my children just want to give up as pain too unbearable. Is there anyone on this site that lives in Bishops Stortford or Ely as that is where I will likely live. Ill see my children every second weekend which is all I can manage. I am sorry to hear about those of you who have been hurt by adultry. It must be very hard and my heart goes out to you all.

@jeshow
I don't know how you can send a private message but if you do feel free and I will reply to you

Bank holidays are hard but as with everything, only time will make it better.

Your wife has moved on so quickly because she was already in a relationship with him before she left. That’s hard on you, very hard.

Google “the leaver and the left” and it will help you to understand how she has moved on so quickly.

You shouldn’t start a relationship until you feel ready. Don’t rush into dating just to make yourself feel better because it probably won’t work out. We all move at different paces. It took me a very long time whereas others move on quickly.

Don’t compare yourself to others. You are grieving, for the loss of your family unit, and also the future that you thought you had. Look after yourself mentally, talk to friends, or a counsellor, or even the Samaritans.

But remember, the future always has been, and always will be, unknown...

Get a sensible arrangement set up to access to the DC and stick to it, that will be good for you and them.

@drimoleague1 Sounds like you're in a really hard situation. Sending you a hug and best wishes. It's so hard isn't it? I'd been with my wife for 13 years and I thought we were each other's world. I loved taking care of each other, being there for each other when we'd had a tough day at work. I truly thought we were happy. But my wife changed so much last year. She started dressing differently, wearing lots more make up and messaging her male friends from work a lot more. It got to the point where we'd be in the same room but she would be messaging people constantly rather than talk to me. So heartbreaking. I just don't like life without the woman I fell in love with, even though she hasn't been that woman for a very long time.

@myhamsteratefreddiestarr Thank you for such lovely advice. It's really appreciated. I'll google that and I think I'm going to see my GP once the bank holiday's over. I do think that I am very depressed.

I have a lot going for me. I'm only 34, have two beautiful children who I adore. I have a really good job, amazing parents, and truly wonderful friends who have been there for me throughout. I'd do well to keep all that in mind moving forward.

We've been pretty good at sorting the kids. I'm living with my mum at the moment, which is some distance away and makes it hard. But I get my own home next month near to the kids and we should be able to do a nearly 50/50 split with the kids.

34 it’s hard but you will one day get over this it’s a nightmare but it’s real.
Loneliness is a bitch.Shes not your best friend she not your friend.Shes the mother of your children.
She was in the relationship and has been in the relationship and that’s why she’s been able to cope and move on so easily the signs were there.
Can I ask for one thing we don’t know what went wrongin the relationship but do you can you see where things might have begun to fall apart.
The reason I ask is for you to ever move on in the future you want to if possible be able to work on what the issues might be so they do not repeat .
Im going to be 53 in 3 weeks time had a child late but she’s several autistic nonverbal always will need support.
Im getting this because it’s the right thing to do there is no other man or woman.just a man whose lost the plot lazy cmplete refusal to help out .I couldn’t begin to tell you I am a full time worker in a highly stressful job worked really and continue too if I say so I am a good kind person haven’t had sex for 8 years and his happy for this too continue.
Why should I deal with this
I have two older children doing well thanks to me
A shit husband a shit father and a shit brother.
Time is a healer the time will come when the pain gets easier engage yourself in productive things do not go down the slippery slope.
Hold your head high.
You’ll be happy someday

@Palaver1 Thanks for your reply. Yeah I can see that over the last year we were together we had drifted apart. We both had busy jobs, two kids to look after, and we both went back into education too. We took on way too much and then had little to no time for one another.

I think my wife took stock of her life and didn't like the person she had become. I think she felt trapped by the marriage and so sought comfort in the arms of other men. She became someone who I just didn't recognise. I doted on her and just wanted to look after her and make her happy. Things just fell apart seemingly quickly.

@myhamsteratefreddiestarr I've been reading about the leaver and the left. It's really helped my understanding. Thank you for the advice.

My counsellor gave me "the leaver and the left" information to try and explain why he was so much further down the road than me, and why he didn't give a damn basically.

My XH turned into a complete stranger, he changed from the loving family man, into a cold hearted person who said some horrible things about me. He had no idea what he did to me, or how much he destroyed me. This man had loved me for 10 years. I still loved him very much at the time and begged him to stay.

XH left with no warning, blaming me for everything, so of course I tore myself apart. However, counselling helped me to "own" the flaws that I do have, and throw away the shit that he said about me that was destroying me. It also helped me to see his flaws, and that I didn't need to accept responsibility for his actions and his decisions, he is responsible for those himself.

The more civil you can be with your XW , the better it will be for the DC, but it is very hard. My XH did not understand the level of hurt and grief that I was suffering and I couldn't see him at all. He then got nasty about a lot of stuff and now we barely communicate and he chooses to see DC as and when it suits him. That's why I say, be a good dad, because it is only the children that will suffer, not your XW, if you mess them around.

I would go to the doctor if you feel low as they will help you. I was on anti depressants for over a year, but it got me through the divorce and counselling.

Exercise is good too, so keep up with the cycling. Are there any cycling groups locally that you could join? It sounds like you have very supportive friends and family too, so that is good.

I really feel your pain. I’m 7 weeks post separation - husband left within an hour of telling me he’s in love with his colleague. I’ve been every kind of crazy ever since! We have two beautiful girls and are trying so hard to get them through this. We’ve got to sell the house, although he is being very helpful in helping me find my options/keeping things as stable as possible for the kids. I feel like a massive failure - I just find it so hard to accept when we get on so well and love our children so dearly. He even says he’s not with the ow, although I expect that’s temporary. His mum is being vile and my dd1 is bereft. I’m getting through, but have to admit I am dreadfully lonely and scared of the future. I do believe it will be ok again one day, but am frightened that I don’t have the strength to make it that far. My self esteem is rock bottom, I’ve even considered if he’d be better taking the girls, but I know they need me. Just want to fast forward a couple of years! And find some friends 🙁 After 18 years, he is my life and everywhere reminds me of ‘us’. It’s utterly crushing and I don’t feel like I’m doing very well at it so far...

Buxom I know it is hard, so very hard, but you will get through it, I promise you. There are lots of us on MN who have been through it. Some of them helped me 7 years ago when I thought that I would never get through it. I couldn't see how I would ever get past the sense of loss and betrayal, but I did.

But I did get through it. I am still here, living a life that is mostly OK. If you have good friends and family around you then that will help. Talk to people, get their support.

You are NOT a failure. He has failed at the marriage by going off with somebody else. I would almost guarantee that he is with her, so keep an open mind on everything that he says.

Make sure that you have got good legal advice, so that you don't get ripped off in the divorce.

Look after yourself, eat when you can, keep drinking water. I promise you, it will get better.

Thank you, it’s good to hear you’re doing well. I’ve been for a lovely walk with my girls tonight and they’re back to school tomorrow, hopefully the routine will help! Really appreciate the support- realising I’m very low on friends!

It’s because I’ve been there that I know you’ll be ok. You won’t believe it now, I didn’t back then. But everyone was right, you do survive, especially when you have DC.

Keeping yourself busy is great.

You could post in Relationships, jeshow and buxom if you want more traffic and more replies

For those dealing with cheaters, I can heartily recommend Chump Lady blogs. Obviously they can’t stop the pain and the sheer feeling of abandonment but they have helped me immensely and they may help others too.

I'm nine months in now and today I've spent the day in bed. I just can't get through this at the moment. I feel worse now than I did in July when it broke down. I'm so down and lonely it is unbelievable. I've lost everything.

@Yellowshirt so sorry you’re feeling so awful, I think talking helps a lot - it helps me organise my thoughts a bit. Also journaling and being outside.

@myhamsteratefreddiestarr In some ways my wife is now a complete stranger to me, but then there are glimpses of the person I fell in love, the person I would still like to be in love with. She tells me that she cares about me, sees me as her family and loves me, but is not in love with me. It's so confusing. I do have some great friends who tell me to be strong, put myself first and try and see my wife for what she really is. But it is so hard.

@BuxomWenchOnAPony So sorry to hear what you're going through. I really empathise with you. There are places where I've taken the kids to recently where I've then felt upset because I remember all of us going there and having a lovely time. I think it will get better. But I don't think there are any shortcuts, sadly.