Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

How does a trial separation work

33 replies

ohdearnotagain · 11/04/2019 00:55

Just that really...... do you spend time with each other trying to get things back on track whilst not living together or is it totally no contact.

I'm assuming you sort out all financial stuff but again how far do you go, maybe sort out separate bank accounts etc but what about assets, property etc.

Do you give/decide a timescale by which you make a definite decision on whether you can make the relationship/marriage work and live together as a couple again or is it as long as it takes type of thing.

OP posts:
RainbowMum11 · 11/04/2019 01:09

It completely depends on your situation.
Ours lasted a few months, he moved out to his parents but we still did some family stuff together & shared the £.
It lasted until I found out he was shagging a friend - it was more of a definite separation & start of divorce proceedings at that point.

MissTerryLady · 11/04/2019 01:37

I’m in the middle of this. I did NC for a while (except for things regarding the kids) and I found it really awful. Recently started to communicate. Absolutely nothing romantic and not really even anything friendly, just spending time talking (mostly angrily from my side as he cheated), but I find it far better now.

To be honest, NC was just making me miss him. Now we’re in touch, I can see the situation a bit more clearly and sensibly.

Itsnotme123 · 11/04/2019 06:54

Would recommend a trial separation. If the relationship can possibly be saved. Talk how it suits you both, discuss weather the marriage could be an open one, live as lodgers or if one of you can’t stand the idea. But I’d give it at least six months as a trial separation, before making permanent decisions.

Original poster
ohdearnotagain · 11/04/2019 10:19

We've been living separate for 3 months now with him at his parents and me and DC in the family home.

We have pretty much separated the finances which I wanted to do even before we started living apart.

He thinks the best way to sort things out is to live together and sort them but I don't agree and whilst this last 3 months have flown by for me he said it feels a lot longer for him.

We do have contact about DC and financial stuff but he then starts to talk about us which I'm not always ready for and he wants to meet up have a meal out etc

He is pushing now for me to make a decision on whether there is an us anymore and if he can could back home.

OP posts:
Nash82 · 12/04/2019 01:01

@ohdearnotagain

Did you discuss how long the trial separation would last? Who initiated it?

It sounds more like yours was just a break up and you're happy with that. If so, you need to have that conversation with your partner as opposed to leaving them with the hope it will end happily.

Simonfromharlow · 12/04/2019 01:46

I'm so glad I'm i found this thread. My husband wants to embark on a trial separation and i had no idea what that entails.

Sorry we are all going through/have gone through this

Original poster
ohdearnotagain · 12/04/2019 09:24

Nash82 we didn't discuss anything because my H was removed from the family home when arrested by the police for assaulting me.

I'd asked for a trial separation before he assaulted me but he said no but he is now thinking of the time apart as a trial separation and thinks we should now after 3 months be thinking of him moving back home.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohdearnotagain · 12/04/2019 09:28

Simonfromharlow is a trial separation not something you want to do?

Can I ask why your DH thinks it's the right thing for you both?

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 12/04/2019 09:31

Be aware , a trail separation is now classed as a Break in a relationship, meaning the other one can date and sleep around...
If you don't want that tell him...

Simonfromharlow · 12/04/2019 09:39

He keeps telling me he's not happy and he doesn't know why. He thinks time apart will give us time to reflect. I'm not sure

Doyoumind · 12/04/2019 09:42

If he's assaulted you imho you should be looking to make this permanent.

SimplyPut · 12/04/2019 09:48

@ohdearnotagain do you feel less anxious without him under the same roof?
Do you feel the time has flown by as you have had a better time than they previous months?
Do you want to reconcile with a man who assaulted you?

Original poster
ohdearnotagain · 12/04/2019 09:48

That's what my head says as well Ifyoudontmind but my heart/feelings don't necessarily agree

OP posts:
Original poster
ohdearnotagain · 12/04/2019 09:50

Sorry I meant Doyoumind

OP posts:
Original poster
ohdearnotagain · 12/04/2019 12:28

Yes SimplyPut I do feel less anxious not living under the same roof as him.

I'm not sure about reconciling with him, I know logic says not to but then the emotions of a long term relationship get in the way of the logic

OP posts:
boxlikeamarchhare · 12/04/2019 12:36

I asked for a trial separation a couple of months ago. H left five weeks ago.

In my mind a successful trial separation would have included agreement to joint/individual counselling; separation of finances; plans to meet and talk about things a couple of times a month, maybe over dinner.

I separated finances last year because I didn't like what H was doing financially with something.

In week 2 I learned that he had a very active online dating profile. In week 5 I filed for divorce.

I think you both have to be 100% committed to working at your marriage if a trial separation has any chance of success.

It doesn't sound like you are OP.

boxlikeamarchhare · 12/04/2019 12:36

Oops - just read the assault bit - I wouldn't be interested in a trail separation in those circumstances.

Original poster
ohdearnotagain · 12/04/2019 12:41

Simonfromharlow do you not see any issues within your relationship or just that for you they aren't big enough to need to separate for a short time? Do/did you feel happy

OP posts:
Simonfromharlow · 12/04/2019 14:36

He doesn't seem to have any reason for it. I knew things weren't ideal but I wouldn't say I was unhappy. He has just lost his job and he isn't taking it well. It seems to have raked up lots of thoughts from him

TanMateix · 12/04/2019 16:20

There are no rules. You can do whatever you want with a trail separation. In my book is only a way to let go of someone gradually to try to reduce the drama or in more practical way, what you do while you await for the divorce to go through.

To be honest, if there was anything that could be salvaged from the relationship I would work through it before “separating”. The fact he thinks he has some rights for the separation trial to end and the fact he was forcefully removed by police last time makesme think that perhaps this is just the crunch time when you have to find the courage to tell him not to come back.

Original poster
ohdearnotagain · 12/04/2019 20:41

Maybe marriage counselling would be a better option Simonfromharlow rather then a separation, do you think your DH would go for this?

OP posts:
alliejay81 · 12/04/2019 20:54

Your husband assaulted you and you had to have him forcibly removed from your home. It's very hard when you have children and so much history, but you cannot take him back. Stick with your head and make it permanent. Someone who has assaulted you once will assault you again. You are worth so so much more than that.

Sending you hugs and Thanks

Simonfromharlow · 12/04/2019 22:06

I suggested it but he says it's rubbish. I actually think he's just scared to admit we're over

TanMateix · 13/04/2019 08:25

Simon... It took years for ex to accept we were over but looking back I cannot understand why it took me even longer to realise I did NOT need his consent to leave him. It was not as if he had me locked in the house.

Build your finance independence little by little and leave as soon as you are ready.

Simonfromharlow · 13/04/2019 09:46

I think I'm also scared to admit we're over to be honest.