Early days of a separation brought on by an affair

[maskingtherealme]

My husband left last week (his children, wife, elderly mother who lives with us and of course his home) to be with his mistress of seven years. She wasn’t just any mistress, she was a close family friend who came on holidays with us, day trips, stayed over, his PhD graduation and of course Christmas and family events etc. So a massive part of our lives and also ‘aunt’ to my children and ‘sister and best friend’ to me.

I am petitioning on grounds of adultery and unreasonable behaviour tomorrow. He sees his solicitor on Tuesday. He knows but i haven’t said specifically what, just he would probably know. Plus I have been handed proof of it.

His mistress is married. She left her husband almost 2 years ago and my husband drew up the financial agreement for them within 3 days. Stupidly at the time, his mistress’s husband left his home and agreed to it. They were going to get a ‘no reason’ divorce in 2 weeks but I have handed him the proof of the affair as it has been going on since my seven year old was a newborn baby OR was in utero. So now he is petitioning her for the same.

My question first is where do I send the petition? His new home with his mistress whose address I know part of (postcode not), his solicitors (I can ask for this address) or his work (they both work there) and stick it to him in public? (Everyone knows what they did anyways!) I want it sent recorded delivery and signed for - obviously!

We are being amicable for the children’s sake when face to face but I REALLY want him to face the consequences of what he has done. In fact he seemed rushed and flustered today when picking up the children. 😂

I have been married 8 years and 7 months. For seven of those years both have committed a sordid and despicable act. Neither have shown remorse or even TRIED to apologise (not that it would make a difference BUT the fact they won’t even try ...) My whole marriage and family life has been a lie. I have been utterly deceived and betrayed in the most wickedest of ways and every memory I look back in joe, I cannot help but think the worst (he was sticking it to her whilst playing happy families with us and continuing to have - a good - intimate life in the bedroom with me)

When I thought he was going to break up with her on the 19th March (he actually text her beforehand and told her he was coming over to be with her) he came downstairs to tell me it was definitely us he wanted and he was going to break it up with her and SWORE on our children’s lives.

He is a conman. I married a conman.

I was going to offer him a door and a fresh start if he admitted that his mistress was pushing the affair and he chose her because he felt he had no choice but that was on what I THOUGHT was a 2 year emotional affair. Now I know it’s far worse and he WILLINGLY continued it and probably would have done if his mistress hadn’t of threatened to start a new relationship with ANOTHER MARRIED MAN WHO LEFT HIS WIFE AND KIDS THE WEEK BEFORE, I am determined to end our marriage. We didn’t have one. I thought I did, but what I loved amongst was nothing but a sordid little secret that would have continued for years (wife and mistress on each arm) and I would have continued to be deceived.

I've been there, so can well remember the excrutiating sense of total and utter bereavement. Really, part of you life, your shared past and all of who you thought your husband was has died. He has been replaced by a malevolent stranger to whom you are required by law to give your children. It is a profound violation. And to have another layer of betrayal on top, by your friend? Unspeakable.

GOOD ON YOU for sending him out and dividing him so quickly. Good. on. you.

What is your relationship like with your MIL? Your ex should be making arrangements for her to come and be cared for by him and his OW. She is his responsibility, you have the children, a bombed life and everything else to contend with.

*divorcing

Dividing him

I’m so sorry, he sounds like an awful man.

What exactly is his plan for his elderly mother, is she going to live with him and OW?

That's horrific OP, I can't even begin to imagine how betrayed you feel.

I'd send it to where he works. The more public the better.

I'd also be tempted to pack up the MIL and land her on his doorstep....... but if you love her and have a good relationship that's going to be hard to do.

Yes I have a wonderful relationship with her. My husband’s mother and his entire extended family don’t want anything to do with him anymore.

A breavement is exactly what it feel like. I have to ‘cherry pick’ my memories through the photos I have of my children that do not feature her. Same with him but I am torn. Seeing pictures of him reminds me of what he was doing at the time 🤮 I feel so emotionally and physically violated.

Ok, well it would be very emotionally difficult to send MIL away in that case.

Do watch out for his family gradually (or even shockingly quickly) forgiving him and welcoming OW into the family. You just need to be prepared for that as it's been known to happen. Please dont feel compelled to keep caring for MIL if the situation turns toxic to you.

I would engage a professional photograhy specialist to crop OW out of every single family picture, where possible. Also, to crop ex out to create family pictures with just you and the kids (whilst retaining originals for the kids).

Those happy memories you have with your kids were absolutely real, those memories belong to you, seize possession back.

Do you work, OP? If not, an absolute must is to set up a routine of getting out every day, different cafes, restaurants, parks, cinema, see friends, just busy busy busy busy. I found the first 6 weeks the roughest. It took about 4 months to stop feeling that punch-gut everyday. Distraction and company (even strangers around me in a busy cafe) was incredibly helpful.

Medication from the GP to help with eating properly and sleeping can also be instrumental in a swifter recovery.

Having a focus on the end game (in your case, planning the divorce) is really helpful in keeping the mind busy. You are doing absolutely brilliantly there. Playing a blinder. Good on you, keep on keeping on!

I am on sleeping pills. They are good. I have a feeling he is going to have to put me on something long term.

I do work part time (teacher) and at the moment I am not going back to work until April 23rd. He’s going to give me a two-week sick note and he said if I have to give another even after going back to work then so be it.

My husband is the type to get things done now and quickly. I am not certain he realises how long this is going to take.

But seeing as my children are settled in this house (only one they have ever known) as am I, especially as he isn’t here to control us I am comfortable too. Why should he in effect force me out because he choose a new life with someone else? That new life needs to be with her somewhere else!

I am actually thinking of staying put ...

What an utter shit he is. I’m so sorry he is putting you through this.

Take each day as it comes. Get organised. Financial paperwork, pensions etc. I found it helpful to focus on practicalities. Get onto tax credits in the morning and get the ball rolling. Entitledto.com is useful.

I stayed in the family home. It wasn’t plain sailing (dealing with his sense of entitlement to be there). Boundaries are really important.

It gets easier. You sound angry but ready to harness that anger. I’m out the other side and every day I’m grateful for not being in that marriage anymore.

Good luck.

If you can stay put, do so.

My MIL cut her husband out of every photo she had of him when they divorced. If his hand was in a photo, she even cut his hand out. My husband and SIL just laugh about it.

I've been where you have been. It started the same month that we were married , and I found out 9 years later.

I found that work was my saviour. In your situation I wouldn't be taking too much time off work - it really does help to have that routine , responsibilities, and a reason to get up in the morning and put on a smiling face.

Stay in your home. Don't let him take that away from you. He sounds very organised - which is understandable since he's known about this and you didn't. So you need to scramble and get fully organised too. A good solicitor will help.

Best wishes to you - you'll feel better as time goes on , and one day you'll realise that it's in the past, and that you're so glad you are not with him any more.

I've been advised that it may be emotionally healthier to sell the house and buy a brand new house without the bad memories.

My response to that is NO WAY! This is my house, my neighbourhood, my home! My kid's home! He's stolen part of my life, he's not taking our sodding home too.

Fuck that guy.

Cheers to all the other scrappers who wont be pushed out of their homes!

I do think it makes the transition for the children far, far easier. Of course, it can’t always be helped and there are some advantages to moving but realistically the only reason i wanted to buy somewhere else was to stop him coming in as he pleased - he still saw it as ‘his’ house.

I am acutely aware I have postponed the inevitable as I will have to sell up when the youngest is 21 and give him a third of it.

(OP, don’t assume or let it be said that when the youngest is 18 then you HAVE to move out -
That’s not necessarily the case. I wanted 23, because so many youngsters need to come home - we settled on 21.)

Here's a link to the royal mail website where you can find the postcode. Just start typing the beginning of the address and it will pull up the postcode - I used to use it at work.

www.royalmail.com/find-a-postcode

I'd personally send it to work though, because he won't be at home to sign for it but the receptionist will sign for it at work. I'd probably be bitterly attempted to put in bold writing in a black sharpie on the envelope - IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS - DIVORCE PAPERS lol
But I'm bitter.

They are both disgusting snakes.

Get everything you can financially.

Don’t assume you will be able to stay in the house. That is not a definite result. Seek legal advise and see what some possible outcomes are. Can you afford to pay the mortgage and bills ?

I'm struggling after my wifes 5 year affair with a work colleague. This week alone I've received 16 text messages and two letters off her. When will she leave me alone? I'm at rock bottom and about to give up.

^Block her.

Yellowshirt start your own thread on the relationships board where you will get more help.

Hugs to you OP. It's so difficult when you learn of an affair/cheating partner. Been there as well. Be kind to yourself. List things you like doing and do those things.

What's up with the mistress though with her ultimatum that she'd start an affair with another married guy? WTH? I wonder if she was with him as well, because he had only left his wife a week before. Sounds odd. Snakes indeed, as another MN member said above.

Have you gotten checked for STDs? Hate to word it so bluntly but you should, just in case. Hopefully all is well and there is no concern.

I am getting checked for STIs 😳 Never ever would I thought I would but to think that for seven years I have been having not just an intimate relationship with my husband but also there has been others she has had ... urgh!

I don’t know what I want regarding the house; sell and move away and make a fresh start or stay in the house. The latter would only occur if my husband paid the mortgage. But one thing I do know, I am NOT going to sit back and let my husband give me £200,000 so I can buy a house round the corner whilst he moves her into our house to play ‘happy families’. I would happily string it all out.

He wants 50/50 but I do believe that it led by his desire not to pay much maintenance yet he told me he never envisaged being a family man.

Currently he is now living with his mistress in her 5 bedroom house, their 4 cars (2 jags, merc and Land Rover discovery) and their £120,000 income (I forgot about his bonus 🙄). They want to sell it and move into our family home.

I am ready for a fight. I want this man out of my life and full custody of our children.

I have a 6 page document listing adultery and unreasonable behaviour by him during our ‘marriage’ plus the 6 pages of a conversation that proves the affair went on for seven years.

Oh, and her ex now knows. 2 weeks to go and he could file for divorce on grounds of ‘no reason’. Now he has the evidence to prove she had an affair.

Try not to think about what they did, but what is best for you and the DCs from now on.

You need a good solicitor - recommendation if possible. Most offer half an hour of their time so you can meet them and get a feel. I saw two, one was very much ‘he’s an arse, we can fleece him’ the other I simply felt safe with - so I went with her. We had mediation to establish assets, division of assets, pension allocation etc. The solicitor put the court order together and got it rubber stamped. It was all done and dusted within a year.

50/50? 70/30 is quite a normal split to property, able to stay until the youngest hits adulthood.

If you have compromised your earning potential, pension, career, this will all be taken into account. It is very important to remember that what is agreed now is done with a view to your retirement and how you support yourself in old age. He may have the capacity to keep earning, pay into a pension, do very nicely. Yours may have been compromised.

I think I heard that two thirds of pensioners living in poverty are divorced women. Not sure how accurate this is, but I can see it could be, and that spurred me on to look after my needs.

One thing the mediator said that stuck with me was ‘what feels fair?’ And this was my starting point. XH did the whole ‘50/50’, ‘you’ve contributed nothing to this family financially’ (SAHM for 10 years), ‘its MY pension’ etc. I could have got more, but I still have to have him in my life in some capacity and I just wanted the children to be secure and settled.

I had some counselling which helped me see my worth and put boundaries in place. Would definitely recommend.

Also, what was really helpful was that we agreed to only discuss the divorce in the mediation room.

Sorry for the huge post.

Don't know anything much about divorce. But does the grounds for divorce make any difference? Maybe you can get a quicker one on the grounds of adultery?