Daughter not talking to me

[Hermoine76]

I was with my husband for 25 years,We had 2 children together,a son aged 22 and a daughter aged 19.
I have a relationship with my son but my daughter refuses to have anything to do with me. I frequently text her but she doesn't respond, this has been going on for about 7 months now. She has come out for lunch with me twice in those 7 months but on both occasions has chosen to ignore me when I've dropped her back off at home, I feel like I don't know where I stand and have no idea what to do next. I'm torn between giving up texting because being ignored hurts me so much or keep going and hope one day she will come around. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Does she still live with you? Was there something which has led to her not talking to you?

Also, is she chatty when you are out for lunch?

My DD2 is not very chatty either in person or by text. She is at uni 350 miles away and i rarely hear from her. She has her own life and is busy. Is it more like this with your DD?

Surely there's more to it than what's on your OP:

Do you ever ring her?

You must have some idea of what’s triggered this? When did she move out of home?

Why won't she talk to you?

Just to say I am pretty much in the same boat with my 17 yo son. It hurts but I can't make him do anything.He has barely wanted anything to do with me since I split from his dad. Says I am wierd or too insular or evil and doesn't want to drag to my place even though he will go to restaurants nearby so it's not really a distance thing...
All I can say is you have good advice above but if that isn't working as it isn't for me, you are not alone 🤗🤗🤗

Thanks for all your reply's. I moved out of the family home in August and both children live with their dad.
I got a bit close to someone at work, I'm not proud of myself but i kissed this man and my husband found out.
My husband then told everyone that i was having an affair,absolutely not true.
I tried to talk to her at the time but she said she wasn't sure if she ever wanted to have a relationship with me again, I know i hurt them and their dad so I understand her not talking to me so i left her alone for a few weeks.
She then came out to lunch and I thought we got on fine,it was a little bit hard but eventually she became more chatty.
After I dropped her back home I text her in the evening and she didn't reply,this went on for weeks until I felt I had no other choice then to go and see her without telling her I was going.
I was overwhelmed just to hug her and invited her for lunch,she accepted and we went out and had what I thought was a good time.
When I dropped her off I asked her if she would stay in touch and she said yes, I have since heard nothing and I miss her terribly.
I have apologised many times for hurting them all and it is something I have to live with every day, The saddest part is that she told her dad that I pressured her in to coming out which I didn't

She wont answer my calls or reply to any messages, I am at a total loss without her.

I'd cut the texting back to about once a week. Make the texts light and friendly - hope you're well, love to catch up some time.

My DD was like this when I left her father - she was 21 and thought she knew everything. Said I'd "given up too easily" ( after 30 years of putting up with his unfaithfulness !) Said she'd only come around if I agreed to counselling. I wouldn't let her dictate to me, and said so. I told her that my decision was not negotiable and that I'd love to see her again if she stopped treating me like a naughty child. It took a while - several months - but she did eventually thaw out and start talking again. We're now the best of friends - mainly because she has found out what her father is really like. She tells me that I should have done it sooner !

Good luck - you'll need the patience of a saint but it's worth it.

Time is what this needs. Pull back and let her come to you when she is ready. Teenagers can have a very clear cut view on right and wrong. She is giving you a very strong message.

When I was a teenager my dad cheated on my mum with someone from his work. I refused to see him for months, when I did start to see him again I was upset and angry at him. It took years to rebuild our relationship, sometimes it was good and others I was just so hurt still.

I'm sorry OP but I think you're expecting too much from your DD. She's struggling with loving you as her mum but also seeing you in a way she wasn't expecting.

You have to take the good with the bad, keep reaching out (maybe once a week) but don't expect much/anything back. I hope she comes around soon xx

She is angry with you. Your foolish action has split up her family and upset her world. She probably feels for her father and may think that she would be condoning your behaviour and betraying her father if she were to see you. It's very painful and confusing - even for older children/ young adults.
Is the relationship with her father definitely over?

Oh so you kissed a man! It's hardly a hanging offence is it, and none of her beeswax anyway! Just leave her. She'll come round when she wants something! (Folds arms, unsympathetically).

It would have been easier if you had explained the reason for your daughters silence in your opening post, why leave this vital piece of information out? As others have said you need to give it time.

I imagine she is confused and hurt. Teenagers are not known for expressing themselves brilliantly. She probably sees it as you broke up your family, now that night not be entirely true but right now that is how she feels.
I would step back. Text her once a week to check in. In all likelihood she will come round with time. It's hard on you but I imagine it is hard on her as well.

You did force her if you turned up unannounced.

OTOH, texting feels like little effort. I'd ring her once a week or so, but leave it if she doesn't answer the phone.

Maybe tell her that you'll wait until she's ready and stop contacting her for a while.

She'll feel you're betrayed the family, not just her dad.
And all for a kiss?

How much of it have you admitted to and apologised for?

I admitted to kissing him once,That was the only time I did anything with him. I told her what I had done and told her how sorry I was. I didn't mention it in the OP as I wasn't sure how much detail to go into.
There is no chance me and her dad will get back together.
When I said I just turned up at the house,It's still owned by me and her dad so sometimes I do go back to collect things that belong to me. I gave her the opportunity to say no to lunch but she said she would like to come.
Her dad has told everyone that I had an affair and I cant defend myself as no one talks to me anymore, I really don't know what to do next.

Sounds as though your H was looking for an excuse to end the marriage, tbh, and you played right into his hands. Now he's the wounded innocent and you're the bad guy. Really, one kiss isn't a hanging offence - you made a mistake which you regretted.

Did he never do anything wrong over those 25 years, and you forgave him?

Your daughter will get over it but it is anyone's guess when. My wife was having sex with a work colleague but she has just showered my daughter with gifts and holidays and my daughter is fickle and fallen for it. The main carer I find always wins I've found out as they can manipulate things especially with the help of there family.
Your biggest mistake like mine was moving out of the family home as you now can't move back in without an expensive fight.

Yes your moving out was a rushed decision.okay you kissed a bloke ,,or whatever
Most likely you had other issues in your marriage but your husband has magnified on this mishap.
Your daughter is angry definitely feels some sort of abandonment.
Stop apologising stop explaining its really not her business what the small details were,
Yes you did whatever but why should you be blamed everyday for this stop being so desperate give her time in fact ignore her for a while.
She’s safe yes well cared for no signs of emotional abuse...she’s well and safe.
Step back don’t come across needy and desperate don’t allow the mother daughter relationship to change get your respect by back by Being in charge she’s your daughter not your friend ,
Give it a week then text only pleasantries no demands nothing give her time to adjust oh yes harden you heart in order to help yourselves stop blaming yourself ,forgive yourself be kind to yourself

Give it times - lots of time. She’s now having to work through complex feelings about you and your ex-dh at exactly the same time as she is dealing with complexities of growing up herself. Sometimes it’s easier just to put troublesome things completely to one side when you don’t know how to deal with them. Don’t ever think she means to or is consciously doing this or doesn’t or won’t love you.
I had a period of nc with a parent after divorce at around her age.

When it all settled and I grew up a little (a lot) it meant a lot and made it easier that that parent had never stopped contact BUT keep contact light, honest (ie not ‘trite’) and not too frequent. I had a few contacts where I thought ‘why aren’t they saying they love me and miss me?’ In needy self-centred crap way. You know her best just try to really think how she will read or hear things from you.

Really sorry you (and she) are going through this - it’s not uncommon and often sorts itself out. Be very patient.

When a woman posts on here that her husband has had an emotional affair (“got too close to someone”, especially a colleague) and he’s admitted to a kiss she’s usually told he’s minimising and it was almost definitely more than that.

Your daughter will feel her dad was betrayed and if he’s telling her you had an affair, given that she’ll have found out you did something she wouldn’t have ever expected, she’ll think he has no reason to lie.

Give her time to come to terms with your split, keep in touch and don’t expect her to reply every time. Don’t show up unexpectedly, that’s not fair on your DD or your ex, it’s his home now. It’s only been 6 or so months so it’s still early days.

Are you getting divorced? Maybe when it’s all official and the dust has settled she’ll feel more comfortable having a relationship with you.

When a woman posts on here that her husband has had an emotional affair (“got too close to someone”, especially a colleague) and he’s admitted to a kiss she’s usually told he’s minimising and it was almost definitely more than that

This is so true

You're contradicting yourself in some ways.

If you got too close to a man at work and you kissed it, it is an affair. Even if you didn't have sex with him. And TBH, if you were caught rather than coming clean, I don't blame your husband and other people, including your child, for thinking it was a full blown affair. But it doesn't really matter if you had sex or not. You still cheated and got caught. Not sure what you want to say to defend yourself.
Your DD may not be happy at all that you're minimising your affair and your betrayal of the family.

You said you had no other choice but to go and see your DD without telling her, so don't claim that it was a casual encounter when going home to pick up things. Even if it's your house, you don't live there and you're not welcome there. In your ex's place I wouldn't be happy for you to just walk in when you please. You must know when people are likely to be at home or not, or you could (should, really) tell them when you're going there.

For the important part, your DD got no warning and people can fight, flee or freeze in uncomfortable situations. It looks like she froze and didn't know exactly what to do or say when suddenly meeting you. So, she went along with it. She clearly had second thoughts about it and probably got angry with you for ambushing her. I would.

Don't do anything like that again.

She probably fells you've betrayed her, just as much as her dad. You must have caused her much hurt, in addition to the hurt she has seen her dad go through.

So, give it time. Let it heal. Keep telling (and showing) her you love her. Be honest with her. Respect her and her boundaries.

I got a bit close to someone at work, I'm not proud of myself but i kissed this man and my husband found out.My husband then told everyone that i was having an affair,absolutely not true.

you cheated on him. How does kissing someone else not count as an affair?

none of her beeswax anyway!

What OP did has broken the marriage and essentially the family dynamic. She's 19 so whether or not she lives at home her whole family life has been destroyed. She has every right to be angry with her mother for ruining that for her.