Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Daughter not talking to me

44 replies

Hermoine76 · 08/03/2019 15:26

I was with my husband for 25 years,We had 2 children together,a son aged 22 and a daughter aged 19.
I have a relationship with my son but my daughter refuses to have anything to do with me. I frequently text her but she doesn't respond, this has been going on for about 7 months now. She has come out for lunch with me twice in those 7 months but on both occasions has chosen to ignore me when I've dropped her back off at home, I feel like I don't know where I stand and have no idea what to do next. I'm torn between giving up texting because being ignored hurts me so much or keep going and hope one day she will come around. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

Snog · 09/03/2019 13:05

I think you have betrayed your family and it will take time for you to rebuild your relationship with dd. It's double difficult for dd that she is living with her father and he is holding animosity towards you.

Just keep showing her that you care.
Send the odd care package or card and text her invitations for coffee or lunch on a regular basis, every week or fortnight. Show some understanding for her feelings and for how difficult this is for her.

Original poster

Hermoine76 · 09/03/2019 14:47

An affair by law is classed as penetration, I didn't sleep with him I kissed him one time,this was not an affair.
Thank you to everyone who was kind enough to offer advice it has been greatly appreciated,being judged and and told it must have been more then that i have heard a thousand times or more now,people believe what they want to so now i let them get on with it.
I am in the process of getting a divorce so lots of things happening atm. I still class it as my house and will do till its sold and we have half each, i do not consider asking one time if someone wants lunch pressure,everyone has the right to say no and she could have done.

I only do what I think is right, I am a desperate mum longing to see her daughter and just need advice at this time.

OP posts:

Lweji · 09/03/2019 15:00

Did you also argue the point of law with your daughter?
I can't think that will have done you any favours.

You're the one at a loss about what to win over your child.

If you think showing up unannounced on purpose and inviting for lunch after weeks or months of her not answering your messages is not pressure, then keep doing it and good luck.

You're not getting judgement from me, just what your family and more specifically your DD can be feeling.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 09/03/2019 15:04

There isn’t a legal definition of “affair”.

Yes infidelity as a grounds for divorce is based on penetration but an affair can just as easily fall under unreasonable behaviour- even without any physical contact at all.

So I really wouldn’t be expecting your daughter to take your “legal” point

Ginnymweasley · 09/03/2019 15:29

Does it really matter what you think constitutes an affair? Your dd is obviously hurting. Give her some space. Dont try and force a relationship that she doesn't currently want.

PlasticPatty · 09/03/2019 15:41

It doesn't matter whether you had an affair or not. You have shaken your daughter's understanding of who you are, and she is taking time to come to terms with this.

I felt I had no other choice then to go and see her without telling her I was going
You got away with this once. Don't do it again. Show her the respect and courtesy you would show any other adult. Contact her from time to time, not constantly, and offer her some of your time. Would she like to see you with her brother, to make the situation less directly 'you and her'?

Ultimately, you changed the status quo in your family. Everyone else has to learn the new way of being, and so do you. Accept that. Learn.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/03/2019 15:46

At 19 she may still see things in a very black and white way and want someone to blame for her broken family. Time and maturity may be a healer for her

Singlenotsingle · 09/03/2019 17:15

Young people can be very judgmental.

Palaver1 · 09/03/2019 19:31

Really the OP knows and feels regret and remorse
lets stop going on about it rubbing the chilii in
.Always easy to throw the first snowball.
She is not answerable to us .Shes paying a heavy price .
Time to move on from the blaming and shaming.
Really want heR to come to some closure with her daughter..
Time is a healer all the best OP

Yellowshirt · 09/03/2019 21:41

Hermoine76 I respect you coming on here and being truthful. I'm also struggling to see my daughter as despite my wifes actual affair my daughter seems to have little time for me.
Are you not tempted to move back in? I've seriously considered it as my one bedroom flat is not classed as suitable accommodation.
Not being part of my daughters life after everything else is absolutely destroying me, as if things were not bad enough.
Like me I expect you need to keep trying. My wife and her parents spoil her rotten so I'm now a bad parent but I hope eventually see recognises love but I'm petrified at the moment about life.
Good luck and keep me updated as we both continue to struggle.

Yellowshirt · 09/03/2019 21:45

Plasticpatty I think you are very harsh. Someone has come here asking for help after admitting her mistakes unlike my wife who continues to lie. How is your lecturing helping. Life is surely about learning from your mistakes not being perfect.

trendingorange · 10/03/2019 00:44

Op you've asked for advice.
You are then angry with the replies as we feel you are minimising your role in breaking up your family.
You are acting (in my opinion) in a very dominant/bullying way to your daughter who has the right to withdraw from you.
Give her space and put yourself in her shoes, hopefully your relationship can recover in time - but your defensiveness reads as aggression to me....you need to dial down the emotion and anger.

Palaver1 · 10/03/2019 02:02

Yes kick her in the teeth , kick her where it hurts.
How on earth is she coming across as dominant and bullying ..It’s amazing how everything is put on the bullying umbrella.
As I said always easy to stand in judgment of others.

NerrSnerr · 10/03/2019 03:24

Your daughter is clearly struggling with the break up of the family and needs space and time to come to terms with it and make her own decisions on what she thinks is acceptable. My parent's marriage broke down when I was 19 and it was awful, they told me the ins and outs of why the relationship broke down and expected me to deal with it because I was an adult. It messed up my relationship with both of them for many years.

Personally I'd write her a letter telling her that you're there and she can contact you at any time and then leave her for a while.

Yellowshirt · 10/03/2019 04:26

Trendingorange how on earth is this lady a bully? I have tried absolutely everything to see my 13 year old daughter after my wifes affair and me being forced to move out of my family home. Do your no how hard it has been for me to only see my daughter every two weeks for one evening simply because I work away all week and I'm stuck in a one bedroom rented flat.
The hurt of the affair and now not feeling like a dad has virtually drove me to suicide. Im absolutely destroyed. Without my daughter I would have absolutely nothing in life and I would probably go under.
Do you have children?

NerrSnerr · 10/03/2019 04:40

Yellow- I really feel for you but your situation is not the same as the OP's. The OP's daughter is 19 and is old enough to choose whether she speaks to her mum. Her choice may be unwise but it's her decision.

The OP made a mistake getting 'a bit close' and kissing another man. She would have known that if her family found out there would be consequences and the best she can do now is give her daughter the space to decide what she wants to do about it.

Original poster

Hermoine76 · 10/03/2019 09:32

Thank you so much

OP posts:

Palaver1 · 10/03/2019 23:55

To be honest if that’s what broke the marriage .Then there was no marriage.
Holier than thou.
The marriage was already over.and we are sick of the blacklisting.regardless of the age of the child.No the OP was definitely not thinking right when she had the kiss
Does a kiss equate to loss of marriage I don’t think so
There were issues in the marriage before the kiss.
The only sad thing is that everyone is suffering the OP as well as the daughter.
As I said always easy to stand in judgement.

Yellowshirt · 15/03/2019 22:47

Hi nerrSnerr.
My wife had an affair with a work colleague not just a kiss but my daughter still thinks the sun shines out of her mothers arse. A lot of it has to be because my stbx is primary carer and is also spoiling her with sky tv in her room and holidays

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread