Please tell me the pain gets easier- dh left

[LuckyAugust]

Dh left 3 days ago. I'm heartbroken. Other than one lovely friend who I talked to today no one else knows and trying to put a 'face' on to 3dc, at work and to my family. Inside though I feel lost and alone and when I am on my own I just cry. DH has mental health issues which he refuses to deal with but the reason for him leaving is because he wants a 'life'. He is an alcoholic and has (or had) been sober for 8 years. Due to mental health issues he is hugely insecure and until recently didn't have any friends. Now he's got this new bunch of work mates who are all younger than him and loud and single and he's decided he wants to start drinking again and have a new life. His new life doesn't include me though unless I'm prepared to be the little wife who does his washing, cooking, look after his children and accept that he's gonna start drinking again and do what he wants. I can't do this. He needs advice from a GP or counsellor but he won't do it and said he's gonna do it anyway so what they say is irrelevant. He told me he's only stayed with me so long because of our kids (we've been together 12 years). He thinks his 'new life' will sort him out! I feel like everything I believed has been a lie because despite the awful stuff he's done over the years (which I should have realised were signs he wasn't in love with me anymore) I still love him. I'm heartbroken and just want this to go away

Today must have been a horrendously hard day for you - huge ((((hugs))))
I need to try to stop worrying about the future and just live a day at a time at the minute

As suspected there is another woman. Not the old friend but someone else 💔

@AugustRanger Be kind to yourself. You deserve better. I know how much this will hurt. At least all the pain is in one go.

Thanks Eve. Found out its someone he works with half my age and 18 years younger than him. It explains why he always wanted to do overtime! Can't face work today so have phoned sick and will do tomorrow too (I am poorly too- I think its sinusitis so may need a trip to docs tomorrow). On a good note I packed loads of his stuff up during the early hours and left it on the front for him. I knew he was coming back for his work boots. I took him key off him also so he can't get in. I'm getting the kids off to school and gonna have a bath and probs cry some more. When all of this started I didn't even consider the possibility of another woman. Now it all makes sense. I feel like I'm back to square one and it hurts so much that he's done this x

So sorry this is happening, August. He has shown you who he really is and now you can begin to build a better life without this prick.

The slapper will soon move on to another man and he'll see what a fool he is.

@AugustRanger It is a horrible feeling that you have so quickly been replaced. But he is no catch. She will soon get bored.

He isn't the man you know. I would of never of gone looking for someone else. Because I was loyal. And committed. My ex and yours weren't. They did not value us. Or what they had highly enough and are just plain selfish. I still cry some times. A year on. More for the children than me. They deserve a better dad. But I just keep trying to be the best person I can be.

Well done for getting his key. Keep gathering up his stuff and get it out of the house. Don't engage with him about anything other than the children and money. He has shown clearly how much he values you. So don't make it easy for him. He collects the kids and has his time with them. And pays his way.

You will get through this but it will take time.

I'm here from today.

Can't handle it. We'd had such a perfect marriage until depressions nd an OW came along.

Fuck

@brokeninsideandscared

Sorry you are in this situation. Hope you have good people around you. You deserve better. I know you don't feel that right now. Just take each day as it comes and do what you need to get by

Getting through a day at a time is the only way
I’m 6 months down the track now but only became definitely final on Saturday
Feel back to day one - but still functioning better than I did then
Stay strong ladies
They’ll regret it then it will be their turn to feel the pain

Thanks everyone. Reading your posts is definitely helping, I'm just sorry we're all going through this. He swears theres nothing going on with the ow but I don't believe him. Just gutted imagining him being with her and comparing my 40 year old overweight and battered body to her 22 year old one. If he hasn't already then at some point he will start drinking again and he'll lose everything. I feel awful that this makes me smirk imagining him all alone because his new 'friends' won't like what they see. It was my first day back to work today after using annual leave for the first part of last week and then being poorly at the end of the week. I did have a cry in the office but overall I think I did well. I kept my head down and blamed the fact that I look like shit on my illness. I need to start telling people. It sounds daft I know but already I want to meet someone else and for someone to make an effort with me. The last few years I did everything for that dickhead and got nothing in return.

Sending hugs to all you amazing ladies. Thank you for your support

@AugustRanger work can be a good distraction. I would tell your line manager. I look back and really wasn't doing the best job for about a year. My line manager remains very supportive.

Don't rush into anything. But maybe kicking your heels up will do you good.

Karma is a wonderful thing. And although I don't doubt my ex fell out of love i take some comfort in knowing it didn't turn out like he thought it would. He still doesn't understand why I'm so upset. He really thought we would shake hands. Pat him on the back for being so clever and be good friends.

Start telling people and let them support you

Hold your head up.Its there loss concentrate on yourself love yourself be happy .

LuckyAugust I'm so sorry to hear you're going through. As you will find on here, so many of us have experienced similar.

Eve34 and I used to be on a support thread on here for similar situations (waves at Eve) and as others have said, it does help so much to hear other people's stories and to unburden yourself on others.

I used to call my Mum crying nearly every second night and she would just listen (doesn't live nearby but the listening was great).

My STBXH was suffering from depression and I also think now a form of obsessive control personality disorder. I so wanted to 'fix' him at the time but it's true that we can't fix others and can only move on with our own lives.

Your ex is utterly deceiving himself by thinking he can sort out his problems with a new life (as did mine) but unfortunately they NEVER want to listen (a bit like toddlers) and just have to find this out for themselves.

Nine months down the line I still feel 'sad' sometimes but so much of my life is better actually and the divorce doesn't terrify me anymore and I've realised the kids are ok and actually I was being held back living with a depressed person.
You will see this too - it just takes time. You'll be amazed at how resilient and strong you actually are because that's what this process does to you - you just keep soldiering on and eventually you see the light at the end and then start to see how things might improve.

But it's such early days - just take care of yourself and try to eat and sleep! It's hard, I know.

I heard a lovely quote on another board that has stuck with me and might help you too (from a woman whose husband unexpectedly walked out on her and had an affair). "He lost someone who loved him dearly and would walk to the ends of the earth for him. I lost someone who was willing to betray and deceive me and couldn't appreciate what we had."

Just remember that you still have your dignity, your children, and the capacity to love and commit. And that's important!

@AugustRanger if you want to meet someone then go for it! It doesn't have to be anything serious, just a fun distraction. Online dating is brilliant for that! I really credit Tinder with helping me get over my ex.

@spritesobright So pleased to hear you are doing well and moving forward. And love that quote. I'm going to copy it and save it for ex anytime he wants to tell me he thought he was doing what was best. 🙄

Eve34 he doesn't actually say that shit, surely. Beggars belief what they come up with.
SRBXH says that after a year of therapy what he's learned is that he "needs to put himself first." You can't make this stuff up.
You're still the empathetic, wise, honest poster I remember.
Glad you're recovering too.

Thanks everyone. Sorry haven't posted for a while. I went with him to his mental health assessment last week and it was pretty hard going. He was pretty harsh on me and blamed me for so many of his problems. He's been referred to a psychiatrist but he probably has ADHD as well as some complex behavioural issues. After a chat the next day with the psychiatric nurse I told him I'd be filing for divorce. The nurse was really supportive and basically told me to get out of the marriage as he is being a total twat! He came home the next day and asked me to hold off with it. Not because he wants to be with us, I think because he's ran out of money and maxed out his credit cards. I think he's also thinking financially he is better off with me. Its his mams house we live in too so me telling him to get lost would cause more problems. I have started looking at rentals in the area as I know I'll have to be the one to move. I haven't seen much of him though due to our working patterns. He did have a moment last night where he said none of this was my fault and I felt really sad. We had years of being happy and I wish I could switch off my feelings for him. He scored really highly for ADHD and it does fit in 100% with his symptoms and behaviour and daftly I have wondered if could we get back on track if he received treatment. In my heart though I know its not what he wants.

I could of wrote your story myself luckyaugust in July 2018. I should of realised many years ago my wife didn't love me as much as I loved her. I again forgave her for some absolutely horrible things because I absolutely worshipped her and our little family with my 13 year old daughter but in July we finally split because she admitted see didn't love me.
It does get easier. Christmas was tough and I find it lonely now as she was my best friend also. But I still lapse even now when I've had a tough day like at work this week and I needed to talk to someone. So I just cried. And I no what people will say..."grown men shouldn't cry" but I did.
I still think some days I can't do this and this week was one of them times. I some days at weekends especially don't get dressed and feel so down I want to give up.

@AugustRanger good that he is seeking help. But you are right you have to do what is best for the family. And get yourself prepared. None of us planned for it to be this way. It does get easier.

@Yellowshirt sorry to hear that you are find life so difficult. Have you spoken to your gp or looked into some counselling. Hope you have some good people around you. I too forgave some very shitty behaviour. And would of continued to do so if ex hadn't walked. But I am sure you like me Deserve much better.

@eve34 to be honest I've got through most of it by myself. Actually the only thing that has kept me going has been my bosses at work who have kept me busy and given me a few extra hours to help me.
I didn't even bother to take my annual holidays. No real family and friends to speak of.
My wife still thinks we will be friends one day too but I'm slowly starting wake up and realise I wasn't perfect but the treatment I received means I was nothing special to her and I need for my own sake to move on.
How long has your divorce been going through and are you getting your head sorted.
The hardest thing for me has been watching my 13 year old daughter drift away from me. It's virtually destroyed me.

@Yellowshirt I'm sorry your situation is so difficult. Good you have a supportive manager and work to keep you busy

Ex left 18 months ago. But messed me about for 6 months and then left for ow New Year's Eve 2017/18. So just over a year now.

It has been a shit year. He has behaved very badly towards the children and I. We have had some contact with social services. No child support for most of 2018 even though he is a high earner. And now my eldest is refusing to see him. That hasn't gone down well.

I know the relationship we had wasn't the healthiest. And it wasn't setting the children a good example But I never wanted it like this. No one does.

I would suggest the typical
Mn advice of looking into counselling. I had some through a charity. It helped me get my thoughts in order. And the meds from the gp meant I don't cry every day. But I am just beginning to feel more normal now. Just very sad that ex felt we couldn't put things right and the children have suffered.

I hope that things beginning to get better for you.

@eve34 I just feel let down by so many people who could of supported me more in trying to save my marriage instead of being selfish and turning there back on me. I'm actually very angry as well my daughter spends little time with me preferring to be at home with mum because mum believes by spoiling her it will make things better.
And if I here my wife tell one more lie blaming me after everything she has done I think I may actually crack.
Are you glad now in the long run your seperated? Or do you still wish things worked out different? My marriage wasn't perfect either but trying to be perfect is boring anyway

@Yellowshirt Sorry to hear those around you haven't been as supportive as you hoped. I think it is one of those things that unless you have experienced it. You really can't understand how devastating it can be.

I have sent you a PM

It does get easier and you will find ways to cope. I've been separated for 2 years, after 26 years of marriage. What started off as amicable has turned into a right mess. He's hired a misogynistic lawyer and he is going after everything I have. I'm having to fight him at every cut and turn but do you know what? I'm happier and more confident now than I've ever been. When he told me, out of the blue just before Christmas 2016, that he loved me as "the mother of his children but not as a wife" and that he had to "follow his bliss" I thought my world had caved in. I was terrified and prayed for a Christmas miracle, that he would come to his senses. Two years later we're still fighting over the separation agreement and the finances, but I've
realised I got my true Christmas miracle - I'm separated from him. I still cry from frustration, but I'm in a better place. So it does get better. My advice would be to get yourself a good lawyer and realise that the issue isceith your ex - not with you. I'm here if you want to chat, vent or just want someone to howl at the moon with. You're not alone. X

Thank you @Jake05 I know I will come out the other side. Just takes time. Sorry to hear you still have a battle on your hands