He wants 50:50 Shared residency I'm Self-Representing -Help!

[Love2all2017]

Hi all,
Going through a very difficult divorce with not a lot in the pot (some equity in house and his pension as I don't have one being mostly a SAHM and working part time). Very stressed, anxious, fearful and frightened.

2 kids aged 2 almost 3 and 6. FDR (2nd court appearance due in a few months time). Ex has refused to pay child maintenance although earns above 75k per year. Have had to use benefits to keep afloat. Ex moved away to city a year ago after i said i wanted a divorce due to years of emotional, psychological and financial abuse. Before then, he had limited involvement in the kids lives as he left for work before 6am and returned at 12pm. At weekends, he was not interested as he was tired so i pretty much raised them with the help of my parents who live around the corner. He has now said that he wants 50:50 childcare and was refusing to return kids to me and bringing them home hours later than agreed, which eventually resulted in police being called twice where he was asked to leave the house. He wants to take it to court. The only time he raised any desire to have kids more than every other weekend (he put this in place even though i initially told him kids need to see him on a weekly basis) was because he realised that if child maintenance would ever be paid, it decreases it a lot for him.

Despite my feelings about him, i want the children to have their father in their lives but he has never been fully involved before. He says terrible things about me to them (repetitively telling them i'm a monster, evil, poo-poo, disgusting, and that I don't love them and that my work is more important than them?!). He has anger issues which are still playing out terribly through divorce and he has a very short temper indeed. How on earth he will manage two very small and young children is absolutely beyond me and on top of his high pressured job, with full-time work, i'm feel incredibly uncomfortable with a 50:50 split. I feel his main priority is to reduce money that he will eventually have to pay out, which I do not think is in the children's best interests at all. When he moved out, I begged him for money to pay for kids food and activities which he refused to give me, as my very small business went extremely quiet for several months and I had limited savings. He told me that I was on my own and that I should get a real job, like real people. He did not seem concerned that if i got a "real job" instead of looking after the two young children that he is supposed to care about so much, that all of the money would likely go on their childcare to enable me to work, and their entire routine would be disrupted.

I'm terrifed, anxious, worried and so stressed out with this. He is an incredibly stubborn and difficult man and will do whatever he can to punish me as much as he can through all of this. I'm so scared his anger problems will rub off on the children, or they will experience the brunt of it when I'm not there. Kids and I have been very happy with the existing arrangements which have been in place for more than a year and I feel 50:50 is a huge change for them and not in their best interests. Some shared care (2:5) would seem easier on all parties, even though that limits my working ability, but i'd rather sacrifice salary earnings (child maintenance wouldn't make up for what i could earn) in order to keep my children safe and avoid further disruption to their routine when they have experience so much already.

My questions are:

Has anyone been through this before?
How on earth did you get through it?
How was childcare decided?
How was childcare split in the end?
If you represented yourself in court, do you have any tips for self-representing?
What can I say that will aid my case?

Sorry for the long post. Thank you all...

Coram have a free legal helpline you can ring. Or for £25 you can book an online legal advice call online. I found it very helpful.

Focus on facts- his working pattern etc. The age of the children are in your favour- make sure you highlight how young the youngest one is.

My ex went in all guns blazing asking for 50/50 until finally his barrister pointed out to him that he would actually have to have the children 50% of the time, not just pick and choose from that time when he wanted them .

And make a plan for a way to never be dependent on his maintenance. Because my ex constantly uses withholding child maintenance etc as a way to try and have power over me (but luckily I plan my finances to not depend on it)

My ex has tried to say all kinds of nasty things about me to the children but it hasn’t had an impact. I made a vow to myself to never stoop to his level and have never bad- mouthed him to them.

I think you are right to try and resist 50/50 .... and you can make the point that you are happy to review when the children are older, but that at present their age and his job lends to the status quo being maintained. Don’t be bullied.

Thank you for your advice on this NeverTwerkNaked. I have had knots in my stomach every time I think about this.

I think I used a similar company for some of my finance questions before and it was really helpful but I'd completely forgotten about them in this mess! Thank you for the reminder, that has come just at the right time.

Also, thank you for the advice on never being dependent on his maintenance (whenever it starts to come in). I have put myself and my dreams on the backburner for so many years, in favour of supporting him instead, for no return at all. Now it is time for me to make a far better life of my own for the children and myself, so I see his maintenance as a bonus. I might not be there yet, but I must be closer than I was yesterday, right?

May I ask how care is shared for your children now and how old were they when 50:50 care was being tossed in the ring?

Just realised I posted 2 years old for my daughter. She is 3 nearly 4. Does this impact on things now or will that still be considered young? I feel both she and my son are incredibly young to have their routines disrupted, especially when they aren't fully able to express how they are feeling as little children...

Thanks

I left an extremely controlling ex in 2014. He was furious and took me to court, he wanted full custody(!) Up until then I was the primary caregiver, he didn't really have miuch time at all for either the kids or myself as his wife. Courts basically just split it down the middle as it were and decided on 50:50 split. Kids were just 3 and 6 at the time. Not a penny has he had to pay because of this split which has made things very tricky as you can imagine. I remember on the day I walked out of the marital home I had 69p in my bank account!
However...despite all of this I can have no regrets. I won't lie and say I find being without my children for up to 11 days at a time easy-it still hurts big time-but I know I made the right decision for us all.
I am now engaged to a man who loves me without reserve. Last year my mum was diagnosed with cancer and work became horrendous for many reasons meaning that I am currently unemployed. It has been one of the hardest times in my life. I still have very dark days and I'm having counselling to help me deal with all that has gone on. Sleep is still a challenge. But ultimately I have my fiance by my side and a wonderful role model and stepdad for my lads. We were hoping to get married next year but probably can't afford to now as I am the higher earner but not able to work just yet. We are still living in a rented two-bed five years on which is not ideal but no chance of a mortgage any time soon (ex still lives in the marital exec five-bed with his non-working much younger gf btw)! I guess I am still angry about the unfairness of life but working through it. Like I say, despite all of the hardships, I have no regrets whatsoever about leaving.
Things will get better, I promise you.
Anything you want to know, just ask x

PS. Something I have now learned is to ignore as much as possible if your hear your ex has said unkind things about you to your children. I know this is far easier said than done and it is entirely wrong for him to do so, but if it gets no reaction from you it will help moving forwards. My ex still tries it, it got particularly bad when the kids met my now fiance. Basically he suggested to the kids to watch out for him because he was, and I quote, "probably a paedophile and would dump me before very long anyway". He has also told them he doesn't wish for them to attend the wedding when fiance and I do get married as "this would be disrespectful to him". So you can see why I rejoice in the fact that I am free from this...err...nasty idiot! x

You say he wants to have 50:50 so he isn’t liable for maintenance, but if he works then he can’t look after the children! He would either have to reduce his hours to be around to care for them his half of the days or pay for nursery/ after school care on his days- he won’t be able to work until midnight though as will most likely need to collect by 6pm. Both of these things will cost more than a maintenance contribution surely?

Take deep breaths and breathe.

if he was abusive, Womens Aid might be able to help and you may be entitled to legal aid.

As far as what to say goes, the court is interested in what is in the best interests of the children. they are generally of the view that it is in the best interests of children to have a relationship with both parents.

Your post indicates that you clearly have the best interests of your DC at heart. So focus on that. You want your ex to stay in their lives. You want your children to have stability and consistency. You have been the primary caregiver.

Write a timeline for their lives of your involvement and his involvement. Also work out what kind of contact you think would be reasonable. Courts like EOW and one night a week.

How would it work on a practical level with 50-50 care? you indicate he has moved away. how far? Can he get the DC to school?

In the meantime put in a claim for CSA for maintenance. He should be supporting his children - its in their best interest.

Good luck

In the meantime put in a claim for CSA for maintenance

If there is a dispute over the amount of shared care then the RP's word will prevail unless there is a Court Order in place that specifies how the care should be shared. Downside is that CMS will base their calculation of maintenance taking into account the court order even if what is specified in the order is not actually happening.

Would imagine that many high earners push for 50:50 for the sole purpose of not paying child maintenance? However, how do high earners the time to provide 50:50 care unless the child is mid teens and can get themselves to and from school by themselves?

Thank you all for your messages. They have really helped me to find my focus again and remind myself that I am NOT in a desperately hopeless situation and that there are plenty of options still to be explored. I can't see how he would manage both children, plus their activities after school, plus homework when it starts in addition to giving them the mental and emotional support required after school. He is on calls for meetings much of the time when they come back with him from school so they are just sat in front of the TV. His work may be giving him temporary relief due to going through divorce, but I cannot foresee someone in the high position he is in, being able to work from home, as he currently is, once this is over. Then who will look after the children then?

Ella - I'm so sorry to hear how the courts manged your case and find it both heart and gut-wrenching to think about, but it gives me heart to know that there is life on the other side of this and that hope is always on the horizon. If you have found love and a role model for your boys, that is the most marvelous and wonderful thing indeed. I too hope life is favourable to us after this, after all that we have been through.

Rainbow - I applied for CMS from the spring in 2018. He has so far managed to thwart every single avenue of paying by appealing every single decision made and it has now finally gone through the variations team. He is PAYE and not self-employed. He has already been to a tribunal once and has requested another tribunal hearing for something else. He believes that because he has been paying for the mortgage and bills, he doesn't need to pay child maintenance. However, child maintenance have said that he can have the amount adjusted (which reduces payments by a few pounds or even pence, per week) but he still needs to pay. He is says he will go to court to say that he won't and doesn't have to pay.

Has anyone experienced this before?!

There is a huge disparity in both earnings and earning potential between the ex and I. CMS say not a penny due as 50:50 shared care. He can be a multi-millionaire and I can be penniless, it makes no odds! Hence why ex pushed for shared care! He has his own business so flexibility in order to get kids to school is easy for him.
I've written to my MP stating that as long as this continues to be the case there will always be the risk high earning exes will go for 50:50 with finance in mind over best interests of the kids. IMO this needs to be addressed. ASAP.
50:50 also means that joint decisions are very difficult if one parent uses that power just to get at the other parent. This is true in my case. For example, he refuses to allow our youngest to have the flu vaccine so therefore school nurse can't give it. He took me to court for eldest (again) as he wanted a different school for him than me. He won as he had a lawyer and I couldn't afford one. Said school is 10 miles away and I work f/t as a teacher with my youngest being at a primary school 15 miles away from his brother. Judge queried what the problem was and stated that a summer-born 11 year old shouldn't have a problem getting four daily buses on his own to a brand new school when he was in my care. I disagree but hey. Logistical nightmare.

Hi OP. My X never paid a red cent - this is many years ago now. Declared himself "self-employed" and never made any money (yet would taunt me by sending postcard "to the children" from St Tropez). Everything he did/didn't do was designed to cause me as much grief as possible.

Your X will not be able to avoid payment for ever as he is on PAYE. Child support will be backdated so you will eventually receive what you are due. That said, I agree with previous poster that you would be best to find a way to budget without relying on money from him.

Let him go to court for 50:50 and let the court decide what is best. You can't reason with an unreasonable person. Once the court order was in place, my X soon got tired of the set arrangement - probably because it meant I didn't have to deal with him any more (ie he couldn't keep causing trouble), so he then blamed me for "making things difficult" and stopped seeing them.

I self-represented in court because I knew that having a solicitor would (a) be cripplingly expensive and (b) wouldn't make any difference to the outcome. He on the other hand had solicitor, barrister, all determined to make me look like the whore of babylon. Horrible experience, but soon over with like a bad trip to the dentist.

My second court hearing - which again was at his demand - when he was trying to mess around the arrangements, was an entirely different matter. Very nice judge (first one was a hideous old mysogynist shit). I said that a flexible arrangement hadn't worked before because he kept changing things and that as a single mother with no contribution from him, I needed to be able to plan and rely on arrangements. So everything, including times, was written into the contact arrangement.

Don't worry about representing yourself. But write everything down and stick ONLY to the facts regarding the children. The court have absolutely no interest in personal bickering.

Good luck and don't hesitate to ask me anything.

@sicario

Did you go to final hearing and self represent at all ?

I represented myself throughout the whole shit storm. Frankly I'd rather not have done, but I didn't qualify for Legal Aid and I knew the legal position. The courts will grant contact on an equal basis and don't much care about the parental mind games/blame games. Contact is the children's right, rather than the parental right, and the courts will do what they think is in the children's best interest.

Thank you for your reply 🙏

Did you have to go to court to sort out a financial settlement?

I can't see how he would manage both children, plus their activities after school, plus homework when it starts in addition to giving them the mental and emotional support required after school

Considering the 2 children are 3 (almost) and 6 I can't work this out either. Your suggestion that his current employer is giving some temporary relaxation to ease the divorce may well be correct.

As for CMS Tribunals they can take many months (average of 9 according to the appeals people I recently spoke to) and there is nothing to prevent one parent making continuous appeals apparently just to delay and slow the process down.

However, I would be confident that Judges will be able to work out for themselves that his thwarting of CMS progress and the 50:50 custody has only one objective - TO AVOID CHILD MAINTENANCE.

So have all the details ready when you attend the court.

CMS say not a penny due as 50:50 shared care

Under the current legislation that it is how it works. If both parents have similar incomes it would be fair. However, if there is a huge difference then it is wrong in my view.

My understanding is that maintenance is a subject that can be re-visited even after a Settlement Order has been issued by the Courts if it can be demonstrated that circumstances have changed.

No - all the contact nonsense happened after the actual divorce. I was the one who ended up paying him off because I just wanted rid of him. He would rather have cut his own arm off than pay anything and the stress of it all just wasn't worth it.

That said, I had an utterly useless solicitor for the divorce process. I didn't know any better at the time. When I think back to the things I agreed to, I can't quite believe I was that stupid. I just wanted it over with so I could get on with my life.

Where is a huge difference in earnings and/or earning potential the current 50:50 CMS situation puts children's best interests at risk, it's that simple. Hence why I work f/t as a teacher but my two boys are in a tiny damp privately rented two bed five years on and my ex in the exec marital five bed with four bathrooms and an unemployed girlfriend!!

He would rather have cut his own arm off than pay anything and the stress of it all just wasn't worth it

when I think back to the things I agreed to, I can't quite believe I was that stupid. I just wanted it over with so I could get on with my life

I can believe that as some Divorces end up being a war of attrition. One, or both, keep on going in hope that other will cave in.

My Ex tried it as blinded by anger and revenge and it cost her dearly. Money went to legal that I would have rather seen go to Ex and Child as same cost to myself anyway!

To Ella1980

The 50:50 solution is simple to deal with in my view as follows:

Add both parents earnings together. Run the total through the online calculator without adjustment for days. Half the result and then Pro-Rata the result between the two parents based on their respective earnings. Nett difference goes to the weaker earner

Example

Mother earns 20K. Father earns 100K. A total income of 120K for 2 children would give 308/week. Half it for 50:50 give 154/week.

Pro-Rata means mother pays 26/week and father 128/week. The net difference is 102/week which father should pay to mother.

Even after paying the maintenance the father would still have more than double in his hand than the mother. So what's the issue?

Exactly! CMS just rule everything out on the basis of 50:50. I asked them sarcastically if my landlord would let me pay rent for just half of the time or buy half of a school uniform. I get by turning the heating right down and only eating at dinner times when the kids aren't with me. I try not to complain about it because we're not on the streets but it does make me desperately sad 😢

You appear to be getting confused between spousal and child maintenance. The reason there is nothing to pay if both parents look after children an identical amount of time is because theoretically their outgoings on the children should be the same. The more vulnerable party should already have a favourable settlement through financial proceedings.

It doesn't help that a situation of, say, 3 nights every 7 results in a fairly large CMS calculation - it only reduces by 3/7 of the total amount payable. So the drop in child maintenance from 180 nights to 183 nights a year is gigantic.

"So the drop in child maintenance from 180 nights to 183 nights a year is gigantic."

Which is why people fight like maniacs over a few days care. It's madness isn't it. But you can't blame people for doing it - it's the system which is nuts.

Financial settlement was appalling - no SM due as he lied on Form E. Very easy to do if you have your own business in which your brother happens to be a 'major shareholder'. I expect until one gets divorced, anyway ;)

"Which is why people fight like maniacs over a few days care. It's madness isn't it. But you can't blame people for doing it - it's the system which is nuts."

Absolutely. Example: Suppose you have two parents each earning £800 a week (40k a year).

If one parent has a child 180 nights of the year and the other 185, one parent has to pay the other £41 a week, or more than £2,000 a year. Plus the resident parent also receives child benefit.

With 182 (or 183) each, no maintenance is payable.

Hence the reason why some mothers are opposed to 50:50 care despite it being in the child's best interest, and conversely why some fathers applying for 50:50 aren't in a position to do so or haven't previously shown interest, also against the child's best interest.

At the margin, the maintenance payable is too high and promotes poor behaviour.