Hi all,
Going through a very difficult divorce with not a lot in the pot (some equity in house and his pension as I don't have one being mostly a SAHM and working part time). Very stressed, anxious, fearful and frightened.
2 kids aged 2 almost 3 and 6. FDR (2nd court appearance due in a few months time). Ex has refused to pay child maintenance although earns above 75k per year. Have had to use benefits to keep afloat. Ex moved away to city a year ago after i said i wanted a divorce due to years of emotional, psychological and financial abuse. Before then, he had limited involvement in the kids lives as he left for work before 6am and returned at 12pm. At weekends, he was not interested as he was tired so i pretty much raised them with the help of my parents who live around the corner. He has now said that he wants 50:50 childcare and was refusing to return kids to me and bringing them home hours later than agreed, which eventually resulted in police being called twice where he was asked to leave the house. He wants to take it to court. The only time he raised any desire to have kids more than every other weekend (he put this in place even though i initially told him kids need to see him on a weekly basis) was because he realised that if child maintenance would ever be paid, it decreases it a lot for him.
Despite my feelings about him, i want the children to have their father in their lives but he has never been fully involved before. He says terrible things about me to them (repetitively telling them i'm a monster, evil, poo-poo, disgusting, and that I don't love them and that my work is more important than them?!). He has anger issues which are still playing out terribly through divorce and he has a very short temper indeed. How on earth he will manage two very small and young children is absolutely beyond me and on top of his high pressured job, with full-time work, i'm feel incredibly uncomfortable with a 50:50 split. I feel his main priority is to reduce money that he will eventually have to pay out, which I do not think is in the children's best interests at all. When he moved out, I begged him for money to pay for kids food and activities which he refused to give me, as my very small business went extremely quiet for several months and I had limited savings. He told me that I was on my own and that I should get a real job, like real people. He did not seem concerned that if i got a "real job" instead of looking after the two young children that he is supposed to care about so much, that all of the money would likely go on their childcare to enable me to work, and their entire routine would be disrupted.
I'm terrifed, anxious, worried and so stressed out with this. He is an incredibly stubborn and difficult man and will do whatever he can to punish me as much as he can through all of this. I'm so scared his anger problems will rub off on the children, or they will experience the brunt of it when I'm not there. Kids and I have been very happy with the existing arrangements which have been in place for more than a year and I feel 50:50 is a huge change for them and not in their best interests. Some shared care (2:5) would seem easier on all parties, even though that limits my working ability, but i'd rather sacrifice salary earnings (child maintenance wouldn't make up for what i could earn) in order to keep my children safe and avoid further disruption to their routine when they have experience so much already.
My questions are:
Has anyone been through this before?
How on earth did you get through it?
How was childcare decided?
How was childcare split in the end?
If you represented yourself in court, do you have any tips for self-representing?
What can I say that will aid my case?
Sorry for the long post. Thank you all...