Christmas Access Arrangements

[CannotFindAUsernme]

Hi all, just wondering what you all do for access of the kids at Christmas ? We only separated in August and things still feel very tender to me. I have split the Christmas holidays so that we have roughly half and half but am keeping the kids on Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Am I being really selfish ? The kids dont seem bothered by it, they are quite happy just to see him for half the time. He says its not enough though. I am not willing to sit alone on Christmas Day but I am also not ready to share it with him or have him in my house. Perhaps next year will be different but I am worried I am being selfish. Am I wrong ?

[OleWomanInAShoe]

Reading some of these comments though, I feel like too many of us are leading parallel lives.

[CannotFindAUsernme]

@gina2012 my point was that he wanted to have the kids for christmas without having contributed a penny. He expected that i handed over the presents to him. Do you understand now ?
Your post is quite aggressive, you may want to tone that down a bit...

[Gina2012]

Your post is quite aggressive, you may want to tone that down a bit...

I'm fine with it; but thanks for the suggestion

[DontMissHisJowls]

@CannotFindAUsernme
The kids are 12 and 7, it upset them to see the plans changed back and forth. They haven't got strong feelings about where they are at the moment, I suspect they are wanting to please us both. Ex is a slippery customer and he will tell people, including kids, family, mediator and mutual friends, anything as long as it puts him in a positive light. When that doesn't happen, he gets very cross. I'm hoping that he will eventually understand that I now have some control over when and how I have to see him. He can't understand why we can't just be friends...

[NotBeingRobbed]

@Gina2012 do you think fathers should pay towards the cost of their children?

[TheSheepofWallSt]

ExDP and I are very unusual.

Separated 18 months ago, but live hundreds of miles apart: our son is just 2.

ExDP this is staying with me from the 22nd dec to the new year (he also spends 3-5 days per month here, usually in one go, towards the end of the month). (He did the same last year after our separation).

We’re very amicable- great friends buy nothing else between us. He isn’t contributing financially as he’s an artist and been unable to work due to injury for almost a year- I’m covering all costs for everything, all year round inc nursery (not just Christmas!), so we’re all on the bones of our arses financially.

I’ve spent £250 on my credit card to pay for delicious food for all of us, and gifts just for DS. I don’t resent it- we are where we are, and it’s nobodys fault. I enjoy his company platonically, and DS delights in having his daddy here- which makes any minor annoyances or post-relationship wounds very bearable.

I’d say for a “broken home” we do fairly well at keeping things together for DS, but it does take patience and lots of grace - for yourself and your ex.

[Mondaytired]

@thesheep very refreshing to hear you and ex DP do that, huge credit to you. Sounds like you both have DS best interests at heart

[TheSheepofWallSt]

@Mondaytired

Thank you... I am proud of us. Both abused children caught in the crossfire of volatile parents growing up, and I think that this strange family life- where respect, friendship and communication- is prioritised for all of us, even in the absence of romantic or sexual connection, is actually healing both of us, as well as raising DS in a happy home.

That is not to say I don’t want to throttle him
sometimes- or that we never have a cross word- but on the whole, it works for us.

He’s currently making me a g&t while I’m
Stuck under snoozing toddler, so I can forgive him much!

[Beansandcoffee]

I have mine every Christmas and new year. When he moved out to OW their place was too small to host Xmas. So he would come to mine for the Xmas day and Boxing Day. We did this for 4 years. Now he has a bigger place with ow and we do EOW but kids still spend Xmas with me and he comes over on the day for a few hours. His choice.

[eve34]

@CannotFindAUsernme hope you are all having a good day.

[Wilkiemini]

I’m having the same problem...we split at the end of August the selfish tosser told me after he’d had a nice holiday abroad and whilst I was in the middle of my stay at home and work on the decorating break that he no longer gave a shit about me and he wanted to live in the study...So i kicked him out!

He has them today Christmas Day 3-8pm and will have them half day on New Year’s Eve and also 5 more full days split over the school hols until they return on the 7th jan
I did not buy him any gifts from the kids because I gave 94p left in my overdraft whilst he regularly flaunts his spare cash in my face!

He was really PO with being given days these dayys even though he has half and so he is now taking me to court... this man has pushed me at my lowest point into considering suicide because for years he would tell anyone who would listen that I was bi polar or manic depressed where as in fact there is nothing wrong with me at all I was just standing up to his BS, when he told me that he didn’t love me but still expected sex I just about hit rock bottom :(
What did I do to deserve this?

He still tries to manipulate me, peddles lies to anyone who will listen, bought the kids iPads and iPods so he can messsge them questions about what I’m doing day and night l...Can I send these things back so the kids can only have them at his house?

I feel your pain really I do
My next mediation is jan 21st it’s probably the next step for you too if he won’t agree on access

[Toomanycats99]

My ex dh from whom I separated in June has had the dd for the total of 5 hours today - you would think being Xmas he might want to see them a bit longer but no.......

[Kikipost]

The children will be with me every Christmas

Ex and I agreed that Christmas is very much about the buildup (they are only with him 4-5 nights a month) and it would be unfair on them (and me) not to be with me.

He’s a good man. They are with me 24 afternoon until 29th morning. Then him 29th-1st

Perfect

[CannotFindAUsernme]

@eve34 we had a lovely day. Everyone was happy, we laughed and spent time with each other, exactly what christmas should be. Considering that when I picked the kids ☝ on christmas eve they were bawling because he had spent the evening crying, telling them he was going to be in the house on his own and so lonely with out them. I was so angry. How dare he make his own kids feel guilty when he had a perfectly good family dinner to go to with his mum, sisters and brother. It didnt work anyway. They had a great time and we did what we have always done whilst he always slept in front of the tv and enjoyed christmas day. How did yours go ?

[eve34]

@CannotFindAUsernme so pleased that you all had a good day. He is very much in the wrong putting his upset on the children.

Even at my lowest I hope I never let the children know how upset and broken I was. And always remained as positive about ex and ow as I could be.

We all had a lovely day and had family around us. Ex messaged about 8pm. About Boxing Day arrangements. And came across really arsey. So I didn't engage as assume he had been drinking. And maybe feeling bit sorry for himself not seeing the children.

Ds refuses to go. So ex said I should just make him. So bit stressful. But ds wasn't going to be talked round so stayed with me.

Roll on new year. And a weeks peace to look forward too

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

We split in June very acrimonious, he took me to court as he wanted eow with our breastfed baby ASAP and I wanted enough time to wean before overnight started ( he was already having 1 full day so I wasn’t stopping contact) pre split he had 0 interest in helping with dc. Court decided first overnight was Boxing Day with alternate Christmas / New Years. So he has had 1 overnight so far and should be having dc on new year eve but he has now decided he doesn’t want them as has plans with new girlfriend- twat!!!!

[eve34]

@Marlboroandmalbec34 make sure you keep a note of contact that he didn't utilise.

Maybe get a diary for 2019 and you can keep notes accurately.

Hope over nights soon settle into a good routine for you all. I had just got use to the routine then ds stopped going. So at some point will go through the adjustment again.

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

Thank you @eve Sorry op for ranting on your thread - hope you are ok

[CannotFindAUsernme]

Rant away ! I am OK. It's the kids who will suffer the brunt of it when they go tomorrow and he ladles the guilt on telling them how lonely he was at Christmas on his own. They are the ones having to cope now but as they get older they will hopefully see him for what he is and will leave him to his pity party !

[CannotFindAUsernme]

Hi how is everyone doing ? Just checking in x

[eve34]

@CannotFindAUsernme hope all is well with you. I have had a big fat cry in the shower. Even a year on it makes me sad. He didn't love me enough to want to work things out. I know I can't change anything. But I'm so sad without him.


Here's hoping 2019 Brings is all some happiness.

Hope you have some plans for new year

[CannotFindAUsernme]

Im OK @eve34. Hope that cry made you feel better, sometimes it is really needed. I am home alone, kids are gone although this is the first time they have been for this length of time, 5 days, and they were a bit unsure. I am feeling like you but also somewhat bitter about how my life has turned out, wondering is it all my fault that I wasnt worth it, and where will it all end up. Trying to feel positive about the new year but I know it will just bring more struggles with everything.
Have no new year plans, you ?

[eve34]

@CannotFindAUsernme I have been invited to a friends for a few hours. Won't be out late but good to do something with the children.

I know I'm upset for the future. Whatever it holds. The children already have three sets of grandparents. (My parents remarried). So as and when we both move on potentially they could have 5 sets of adults in that role if not more.

But it isn't really important. I have to hold on to the fact their father was a bully and I wasn't setting them a good example putting up with some of his shitty behaviour.

Just have to keep looking forward and focus on the positives. Hope that you have some plans and you can enjoy your few days. I know it isn't easy. Have you made any plans?

[percy1979]

I invited my STBXH for Christmas. He only moved out in the summer. In Sept/Oct we were discussing visits for the rest of the autumn term and he asked if children could stay with him the weekend before Christmas. I said yes, absolutely, and how about if when you bring them back on Christmas Eve you then stay over on the spare room and spend Christmas Day with us.
He said absolutely not, he assumed I would be with family, it was better for me to travel 200 miles on Christmas Day to spend the rest of the week with my family. I gave him a few weeks before I booked anything, kept checking with him and said I would never want to stop him seeing the children on Christmas Day despite him choosing to love nearly 60 miles away.

Anyway, he stuck to his guns. Then the whole of last week he kept sending me texts while we were away about the iphone he had given (without discussion with me) to our 7 year old, complaining about her not using it while she spent the day with her cousins, and having a go at me for restricting his access over Christmas. Then comments like “they’ll be a time when they are with me for Christmas, just think about that”.
I didn’t choose for him not to spend Christmas with them, he did so he could spend it with the new girlfriend who is 14 years younger than him, but it sounds like he is already gearing up to saying he wants them to go to him next Christmas. I also gave him the option of any days he wanted in the second half of the school holidays, he just chose Sat-Mon of this weekend, and refused to have the children next Monday for their school INSET day when I have to be at work. He’s picking and choosing what suits him despite me offering and asking for help, and then being nasty about it.