Christmas Access Arrangements

[CannotFindAUsernme]

Hi all, just wondering what you all do for access of the kids at Christmas ? We only separated in August and things still feel very tender to me. I have split the Christmas holidays so that we have roughly half and half but am keeping the kids on Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Am I being really selfish ? The kids dont seem bothered by it, they are quite happy just to see him for half the time. He says its not enough though. I am not willing to sit alone on Christmas Day but I am also not ready to share it with him or have him in my house. Perhaps next year will be different but I am worried I am being selfish. Am I wrong ?

[ChristmasFlary]

as he is not planning a late Christmas nor has he got them presents, he is buying them nothing but yet wanted to have the kids for Christmas Day, and I just hand over to him what I had bought.

Absolutely do not hand anything to him. You purchased it for them - you give it to them! Bloody cheek of the man

[eve34]

You hand the children over with whatever they need to be at his place. If he has not thought of buying them presents then that is his problem.

And I know you want to protect your children from such a rubbish parent. But he has a choice now to step up or not.

I stopped being ex's planner. Organiser and safety net. He has missed every event at school because he couldn't organise himself to put reminder in his phone. He has missed hospital appointments. Start of secondary school etc for the same reason. I give him the dates once. And do not remind him further. I could go on.

The children are seeing him for what he is. I do feel for the children but I am doing all I can to be as positive as I can be. My son sees through it all though.

You have to be the best person you can be. But I do know how very difficult that can be

[CannotFindAUsernme]

@eve that is what i would like to do but isnt that letting the children suffer ? I have always been that safety net and reminder when we were together and he expects that I still do that now. If I dont remind him I am the worst in the world. The kids are going through enough without having to suffer any more. I know any transition is hard but I want to make it as easy as I can.

[eve34]

@CannotFindAUsernme

That is food for thought. I decided when he left. Then I was no longer the one to be his pa. he decided he no longer wanted to be responsible for me as a partner. I was therefore no. Longer responsible for him.

He has a responsible job and an adult. He makes the choice of making these things a priority or not. And is capable or organising himself or not.

The problem with being his organiser is that if something is missed it is then your fault.

So I very early on handed back to him his own adult work. Tax/insure/mot his car. Pay his own bills that use to come out of my account. Family
Birthdays etc.

I give him the details of school things etc once. If the children ask I have sent the details.

I know we want to protect our children. But feel it would be more detrimental to them to be deceived that the absent parent is something they are not. And find out later in life. My dad was absent and rubbish. I know he cares for me. But is rubbish as a parent. And excepted that early on. I have no expectations of him for him to let me down.

But maybe I need to be more proactive. Something for me to think about.

We just have to do what we feel is right in our situations.

[CannotFindAUsernme]

I also feel like they should see him for what he is. At the minute he is Superdad, there are no rules in his house. He also has the upperhand as he refused to leave the family home, so when they go to see him they are back home again. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle and that they may well decide they would rather be with him than me so probably another reason why I am being selfish about christmas this year. The house is sold so that factor may dissappear soon. I suppose by covering everything I am allowing him to be held in high esteem ? This is just so hard 😟

[CannotFindAUsernme]

@snuggy I went to mediation and the supposedly objective meeting was all about how wonderful an influence dads are on every aspect of a childs life. I was disgusted. They dont know the man sitting in front of them, what kind of people they are. Not once during the sessions was it raised about how positive an influence mums are. I went to 2 and didnt go back. None of the concerns I raised were addressed, just glossed over. So disappointing.

[SnuggyBuggy]

There does seem to be the assumption that all dad's are saints who do nothing but good. I don't see how you can fight it though.

[CannotFindAUsernme]

Honestly me either. But perhaps if the kids do see him for what he is that will make some difference.

[eve34]

I know it is so difficult. But you are no longer responsible for/to him. Do you think he would do the same if it was the other way around?

My ex feeds them take away food. Go to bed with iPads and drink coke. And takes them on days out.

I do the same cheap stuff I have always done. Get them to do their home work and brush their teeth. Both would rather be here with me. No matter how much I say their dad loves and misses them. And they will have good time with him.

He isn't there in the night when they both still have nightmares of being left. He isn't there dealing with the school stuff camhs and hospital appointments. Or takes time off when they are sick. I'm doing all that. And they both know if they need l/want anything I won't let them Down.

They can be the Disney dad. But your children will know who was there for them. Dont cover up for him. But also don't colour their judgement. Which I am sure you aren't. I have had to bite my tongue hard some days when they tell me how lovely ow is. And I don't doubt she is. But I'm hurt so I just stay non committal. And say that's nice.

I also have to explain to my eldest why his dad left a lot. He has nightmares and lots of anxiety over it. So need to be as honest as I can be without slating his dad. I just say that your dad is happier now he doesn't live with mummy. But when he asks his dad he say he should be over it now and move on blah blah.

Parenting is all guess work. We are all trying our best. And hope we get it as right as we can.

Hopefully the move from the family home will set clear settings for the children. And help them adjust to both environments

[CannotFindAUsernme]

@eve34 how long have you been separated ?

[eve34]

He left last summer. But came back on and off. We dragged it out until Christmas. He Went out new year eve with £200 from my purse and didn't come back.

He thought we could be friends and he was going to walk in and out of mine and the children's lives.

He wanted me to move on and be happy. He didn't and still doesn't realised this has completely taken me to my lowest ebb.

I did start to be more friendly towards him only for him to take advantage (more money). And stop paying his child support. When our eldest was starting secondary school. And my heating packed up. This is a man with an income of over £57k. And renting a room in a shared house.

I now can not bring myself to speak to the man. It will take six months all in all for the cms to finally get me some money (the beginning of March). I have no time for any person who refuses to support their children.

I do always speak positively about him with the children. Although I don't think for one moment he thinks i do. I have never stopped him contacting or seeing the children. But he hasn't been the best parent to the point that social services were contacted by school over concerns the kids had raised. So it is all a bit of a mess.

[AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe]

OP the reason why you mustn't micromanage your ex as it will delay your kids seeing what a useless father they have. Once they realise he doesn't acknowledge their extra needs they won't want to see him.

So definitely no to you buying Christmas and birthday presents then pretending they are joint.

Also be careful about what clothes, shoes etc you send them to him with, as he should have decent clothes, shoes, etc at his place for them. That's why maintenance is on a sliding scale and unrealistic. Ideally the kids should be able to move their belongings between homes but what happens a lot is one parent buys all the clothes, shoes, etc and the other parent makes them disappear completely or until the kid grows out of them OR one parent starts a war with the other parent over clothes so the kid has to basically strip clothes before each handover.

It is also well-known kids like rules and boundaries as long as they are fair as it makes them feel secure. However you won't be told that by kids either ever or until the kid matures. So being a Disney parent doesn't work in the long run with many kids especially if basic needs e.g. sleeping arrangements aren't met.

Oh and OP try shuttle mediation so you don't have to sit in the same room as him, listen to his batshit and see him trying to manipulate the situation. Also it is worth doing your homework before you go on what mediators will and won't pay attention to.

[CannotFindAUsernme]

@amy Thank you but due to the fact that i could not make an offered appointment with mediation they are refusing to offer me another one. I am not paying for it either so that's that.
Interesting you should mention clothes. He demanded I hand over half their clothes to him in case he needed them. Every time I send something spare it is gone and cannot be found again. He lets them wear the same clothes regardless of the period of time they are with him and they come back filthy. He thinks as he pays maintenance that he shouldnt have to pay for anything else, even the fact he had to feed them after a 6.00 pickup one week made him furious.
@eve
I do see the point you are all making now. Next year I will be stronger and let him make a mess of everything even if it is at the kids expense, and he will make a mess. I will not cushion what he does for them anymore.
Thank you all, I think I have seen the light !

[eve34]

@CannotFindAUsernme It is a hard habit to break as you have played your part of the team for so long. And even now I do care for ex. He was part of my life for 14 years. And he left me I was still hoping we would put it right.

But it is no longer my job he is capable. But makes a choice not too.

You can hold your head high that you parent and make your children a priority. They will see all you do and hold you in a much higher regard because of it.

I love my dad. He is my dad. He left when I was five. But my mum brought me up and was there and still is for me. I know who made me their priority.

Stay strong. Hope you have a peaceful Christmas and feel free to on me if you want to rant.

[CannotFindAUsernme]

@eve thank you. I hope You too have a restful peaceful christmas. I might take you up on that, its a tough time of year isn't it ? I think I have spent more time crying than not this week. Every time I see something that reminds me of how it once was Im away again ! Thanks again to any of you who responded. I hope you all have a good christmas break x

[ChristmasFlary]

Were you married? Have you got a solicitor? Just wondering why you have sold the family home.

[DontMissHisJowls]

Hi all, NC but have posted elsewhere about recent separation.
I agreed Christmas Day arrangements in mediation with my ex, only for him to now throw a fit and want to change everything.
We are only 3 months on after him having an affair and leaving. It was pretty ugly. Although I had hoped to be able to have a family day all together, his continued behaviour - lack of respect and boundaries, no communication, poor reliability with kids - means that I don't want to spend the day around him. He is also being very aggressive about finances and I suspect he is trying to screw me. I had suggested a half day changeover which he clearly agreed to in mediation, but now he has told the kids we will all be together for lunch and I have had to set everyone straight. Of course I am the bad guy now. I am so frustrated that even a £400 mediation session isn't enough to get him to stick to arrangements, as well as the fact he has misled the kids and they are now accusing me of not letting dad come over. It's a mess.
So angry that after everything that has happened he still expects his xmas lunch cooked for him and me to put on a fake smile all day.
He's also got a habit of turning up at my house unannounced to get stuff that he could have collected with the kids.
What do other people do about ex's that won't stick to agreements and involve the kids?

[CannotFindAUsernme]

@christmasflary, yes we are married. He has decided to sell the house as he finds it too big for himself, the kids are with me during the week. I had to move out as he wouldnt otherwise this would not be happening, and yes I do have a solicitor !

[CannotFindAUsernme]

@dontmiss. You are in the same timeframe as me. I suppose the thing about mediation is it is a gentlemans agreement and if he iant a gentleman....... Do what works for you. I am doing what works for me this year because its all too raw. I could not have shared the day with him or Made him dinner. I would have spent the day feeling crap. I know its about the kids but it also has to be about me. I know now that next year will be different but I hope to feel ready then with more time under my belt. What age are the kids ? They need to hear the truth. When my kids ask me questions now I try to answer as truthfully as i can. As someone here has pointed out to me I am no longer responsible for him. I dont have to cover up for him or make him look good, I just tell the truth, hence my older kids know that he has forgotten about them, that he wont pay for anything etc.
If he wont respect your home then get a restraining order or perhaps the threat of one would work ? That will throw his access into dissarray too ? I threatened once and that was enough he never turned up again. Be strong OP, do what makes you happy and what you can mentally cope with. Look after yourself. I hope you are not paying for those mediation sessions !

[ChristmasFlary]

Are you getting some of the money from the house?

Before we got divorced, we had to declare all finances which enabled me to stay in the family home, even though XH was pushing to sell.

[CannotFindAUsernme]

I have an inhibition order on the house. The money has to be kept until finances are sorted. Ex thought because I had left that he could just sell, keep the proceeds and move on, and that he had my blessing to do so ! I am not sure I would have wanted to stay there anyway but it would have been nice to have the choice, time to think about it.

[Eve]

@CannotFindAUsernme - you are reply to me - not to @eve34.

sorry you are having a tough time

[CannotFindAUsernme]

Sorry Eve, thank you.

[OleWomanInAShoe]

We split Christmas, handover is always at 2pm and we alternate that. It works well.

[Gina2012]

He has not contributed a penny to the cost of christmas

But he's not having the kids for Christmas

You are

Why the hell should he contribute?