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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Sister & her DH have separated...

50 replies

NameChangerAmI · 30/11/2018 08:43

I know I'm not hurting anywhere near as much as my DBil, or their DCs, but just wondering`if anyone else is in a similar situation, where your sibling has separated from their spouse?

Just feeling sad about how things have changed, especially in the run up to Christmas. My concerns are for my DBil & their DCs, but can't help feeling so sad that family traditions where we all used to get together, will now either not take place, or will take place without either my DS or my DBil.

Cannot even begin to imagine how DBil and their DCs are feeling.

OP posts:
Lineofbeauty · 30/11/2018 10:08

Are you not sad for your sister, too??

Original poster
NameChangerAmI · 30/11/2018 10:20

Lineofbeauty If I'm honest, I love my sister very much, but she has chosen this, and is happy with her decision as much as she could ever be. I am sad forher about other things, that would be outing, but she seems pretty happy with everything as it is, whereas the rest of her family are not, so I feel more sadness for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangerAmI · 30/11/2018 10:21

When I said DS, I meant DSis, not Darling Son, sorry.

OP posts:
WellGoshDarnIt · 30/11/2018 10:23

But she might have been thoroughly miserable before - she deserves to be happy too. Maybe she just couldn't keep pretending everything was ok?

Poppyfr33 · 30/11/2018 10:34

It would not have been an easy decision for your sister to make, you have no idea of the family situation. You appear more upset about family traditions than why?

Original poster
NameChangerAmI · 30/11/2018 11:08

I have an indepth knowledge of the situation - my sister and I are extremely close, and I am a person she confides in a lot.

I don't feel sad for her about this as she is happy, so I don't need to. I am glad that she's happy, I don't want her to be unhappy.

It's her DCs and DH I feel sad for, because of their sadness. And yes, it is sad about traditions, for her DCs mostly.

OP posts:
TweetieFruFru · 30/11/2018 19:25

Where’s your loyalty to your sibling? Maybe your brother-in-law is not the person you should be worrying about. What do the children think? How old are they?

ItsInTheSpoon · 01/12/2018 14:31

When you go through a divorce the cliche is true - you do find out who your friends [and that includes family members in particular] are. It is not a very pleasant process when you are already going through the trauma of the divorce itself.

TweetieFruFru · 01/12/2018 14:55

Yes, if I was OP’s sister I would certainly see them as a traitor! Family are not always on your side.

ItsInTheSpoon · 01/12/2018 15:24

Yes, OP, do you think your sister should have put regard for family traditions above “choosing” divorce?

TweetieFruFru · 01/12/2018 15:36

The OP’s sister and children will be part of their life for ever. The “DBil” may move on and lose touch. Misplaced loyalties here.

Original poster
NameChangerAmI · 01/12/2018 16:29

It's interesting to read these opinions.

No, I don't think DSis should put traditions above divorce, I didn't say that.

OP posts:
ItsInTheSpoon · 01/12/2018 19:58

Interested to know what makes you more supportive of your exBIL than your sister? Is there a back story?

Original poster
NameChangerAmI · 02/12/2018 05:31

I have been and continue to be supportive of DSis as well as the rest of her family.
This post is about how separation can have ripple effects with the wider family, as well as impacting massively on the direct family themselves.
I'm surprised that there aren't others out there who maybe feel the same, but it seems not.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangerAmI · 02/12/2018 05:31

She has 3 DCs, upper primary and secondary school age.

OP posts:
NopeNi · 02/12/2018 05:54

Thanks At the risk of being turned on by everyone, I can completely see why you'd feel sad for them (even while loving and supporting her).

It's a time of change which is always scary. Your sister's made a choice to end the marriage - perhaps you don't know the real reasons why yet but it's happening - and other people you love are going to be deeply affected. It's also a rubbish time of year to do it as this will form some memories around Christmas.

But it'll be okay. There's never, ever a perfect time for this to happen - and they'll all form new traditions over the years, and perhaps find more happiness as they move away from a marriage that didn't work.

Can you offer to have the children over or take them out to some festive things over the next few weeks? (Not to force jolly behaviour but to give them time away from parents who might both be feeling raw? And maybe start some new traditions too?)

TweetieFruFru · 02/12/2018 08:17

My own brother has been utterly treacherous to me and has been supportive towards my STBEX over the split. My children are teenagers and totally understand why my STBEX’s bad behaviour meant I had no choice but to ask him to leave. We are a family unit and love each other.

My brother is mainly concerned that he will not be able to eat Christmas dinner with exactly the same family set-up. He has in no way been supportive towards me - in fact he has worked against me. I now know where he stands and he is not welcome at my home. Think very hard before you ally yourself with the in-law.

Itsnotme123 · 02/12/2018 08:27

Your sister might not have told you everything. You don’t know what really goes on behind closed doors. So you should be more supportive to her.

Original poster
NameChangerAmI · 02/12/2018 11:10

Can I just say again, that me feeling sad for my Bil & their children does not mean that I haven't been supportive of my sister.

She confided in me before she told many other people & I have supported her choices and am checking up on her several times a week - but she is fine, which I'm happy about.

I do know all the ins and outs of it - I know and understand the reasons, but it doesn't mean I can't feel sad for the people it affects the most (Bil & her DCs).

Nope thanks for your suggestions. I have put things in place to spend time with their DCs, to create new traditions, which is so important.

People are assuming I'm siding with Bil, I'm not. I'm supporting both of them, including their DCs. We did the same when my DH's brother went through a divorce - non judgemental support for everyone.

TweetieFruFru that sounds tough Flowers but it's very different from the situation we are in, thank goodness.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangerAmI · 02/12/2018 11:12

I do appreciate everyone's thoughts though. If I was reading this post, I might think the same as the people who assume I'm supporting Bil at the expense of supporting my Dsis.

OP posts:
ItsInTheSpoon · 02/12/2018 11:13

Think very hard before you ally yourself with the in-law. I second this from @TweetieFruFru having experienced something similar myself. It adds greatly to all the other difficult feelings.

Original poster
NameChangerAmI · 02/12/2018 11:15

I am taking heed. I feel a bit uncomfortable about it in case my Dsis agrees with people on here, but when I've asked her she has said she's OK with me maintaining contact with her DH.

But tbh, I'm now doubting myself.

OP posts:
TweetieFruFru · 02/12/2018 11:26

My brother never liked my STBEX until now. Siding with him is just a way to persecute me. Or maybe he just wants to reinforce the patriarchy. Women are meant to cook dinner shut up and put up. They are not meant to kick out an abusive husband, which I did.

KMoKMo · 02/12/2018 11:27

I understand what you’re saying OP. Although it can’t have been easy for your sister to make the decision, if it was her decision chances are she’s had a long time to reach it and come to terms with it. Perhaps your DBil and their DCs haven’t. Perhaps your sister has found someone else so is excited about starting new traditions with them over Christmas whereas your DBil will be in shock. Some
Posters are too quick to jump to conclusions. I think it’s great you’re concerned for DBil as well as his mental health will impact your nieces and nephews and he too will need support.
I’ve experienced similar but not a sibling. We are no longer really in contact with the non family member due to the family member kicking off about it (as per usual) and parents taking her side. It’s all very sad especially when, in my situation, I preferred the non family member. Fortunately they are now in a new relationship and very happy. Family member is still miserable as sin.
You’re allowed to grieve what could have been - it affects everyone.

TweetieFruFru · 02/12/2018 11:35

@Kmokmo due to the family member kicking off about it (as per usual) and parents taking her side

A belittling attitude towards your poor family member. I hope she also sides with your estranged partner when the time comes.

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