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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Sister & her DH have separated...

50 replies

NameChangerAmI · 30/11/2018 08:43

I know I'm not hurting anywhere near as much as my DBil, or their DCs, but just wondering`if anyone else is in a similar situation, where your sibling has separated from their spouse?

Just feeling sad about how things have changed, especially in the run up to Christmas. My concerns are for my DBil & their DCs, but can't help feeling so sad that family traditions where we all used to get together, will now either not take place, or will take place without either my DS or my DBil.

Cannot even begin to imagine how DBil and their DCs are feeling.

OP posts:
KMoKMo · 02/12/2018 11:37

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TweetieFruFru · 02/12/2018 11:46

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KMoKMo · 02/12/2018 11:51

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NopeNi · 02/12/2018 12:03

Are we now pretending that family members can never, ever be the difficult ones Tweetie? That's nonsense. Lucky you if you've never had that.

TweetieFruFru · 02/12/2018 12:14

@NopeNi yes my brother is extremely difficult and hence has sided with STBEX

TweetieFruFru · 02/12/2018 12:16

I’m sure he OP is a wonderful human being who simply sees her DBil as the most marvellous man and her sister as not worthy of support. Nice.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/12/2018 12:18

Don’t know why you’re getting a bashing on here. It’s always hard to say goodbye to thing and people. You have every right Tim feel loss and sadness at this change.

You know the situation inside out, your sis chose this and is happy, her H and the kids are reeling. Your feelings are completely understandable.

Judgement police out in force today it seems.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/12/2018 12:19

(Ignore autocorrect tweaks!)

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 02/12/2018 12:21

I’m sure he OP is a wonderful human being who simply sees her DBil as the most marvellous man and her sister as not worthy of support

Only sge has said she is supportung her sister and is happy that shes happy, shes been the one her sister has confided in. So her sister clearly feels supported by her.

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/12/2018 12:21

TweetieFruFru
I’m sure he OP is a wonderful human being who simply sees her DBil as the most marvellous man and her sister as not worthy of support. Nice.

Yet that isn't what the OP said at all.

kakejames · 02/12/2018 12:31

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sackrifice · 02/12/2018 17:52

Good grief...OP i am in the same boat, my SIL who we all love dearly has decided to end the relationship with my brother; we are planning on all staying in touch and support both of them. My nieces - both teens - are dealing with it well and hopefully new traditions will emerge.

Workreturner · 02/12/2018 18:01

Traditions?

Oh come off it OP. This is a bit more serious that you not all singing carols around the tree once a year

ApolloandDaphne · 02/12/2018 18:19

When my DB split up with my exSIL leaving her with my niece I absolutely was devastated for her and supported her 100%. He was an absolute bastard to her. I am still close to her and recently went to her wedding when she remarried. She also spends most Christmases with us. I keep my DB at arms length.

Original poster
NameChangerAmI · 02/12/2018 18:20

TweetieFruFru
I’m sure he OP is a wonderful human being who simply sees her DBil as the most! Are you being deliberately inflammatory, or have you just not bothered to read/chosen to ignore my posts? Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangerAmI · 02/12/2018 18:40

Thanks to everyone who can see both sides.

To anyone in a similar situation as my Dsis or DBil who has felt betrayed Flowers.

Workreturner Star for your insight Grin.

Sackrifice I hope it all works out for everyone Flowers

Appollo you did the right thing, I'm sure your support must have meant the world.

This thread has helped - Writing it all down and reading these comments has made me realise that I need to draw a line under it and stop feeling sorry and sad for everyone & just accept this as the new norm.

I so feel sorry for anyone who is in my Bil's situation, who because of a decision taken out of his hands, loses half his family, some of whom he has known for almost 30 years.

OP posts:
Workreturner · 02/12/2018 19:37

I so feel sorry for anyone who is in my Bil's situation, who because of a decision taken out of his hands, loses half his family, some of whom he has known for almost 30 years.

Well yes,me too. As long as that person hasn’t been a complete turd behind closed doors.

Cherries101 · 02/12/2018 19:42

Your loyalty should 100% be to your sister. In laws change, he will definitely move on from your family. It’s time you moved on from him.

TweetieFruFru · 02/12/2018 19:57

My brother has damaged our relationship forever with his misplaced loyalty and lies. He has also been duped by my evil Stbex.

Unicornandbows · 02/12/2018 20:47

It's not just about loyalty, you grow close to people over the years and the op is happy for her sister however her kids and xh are hurt so of course you would feel sad. Not all relationships have a dramatic end some times people choose to go separate ways as they grow older and want different things doesn't mean that the extended family should be just booting them out as if they never existed.

My dB and sis in law broke up, we are still in touch with sis in law. I was quite sad for my brother and happy for my sis in law. Doesn't change the fact that it was a sad time for everyone especially as we've been on holidays together etc

shamofamockery · 02/12/2018 20:55

OP you can be sad, but very soon you will have to say goodbye to your BIL, and be there for your sister. That's absolutely where your loyalty should be, I'm afraid.

Original poster
NameChangerAmI · 02/12/2018 21:01

Shamofamockery I disagree, but appreciate your opinion.

It doesn't seem right that I can't stay in touch, as Unicornandbow has done.

Can I ask, Unicorn how is your relationship with your brother? Has it caused ill feeling that you are still in touch with your SIL?

OP posts:
Unicornandbows · 03/12/2018 07:54

Nope there are no ill feelings my brother knows we love him dearly and is actually happy we keep in touch. He himself came out with she's been a big part of this family and to turn our backs on his account would be disrespectful to him and the relationship he has had. He has moved on and we treat his current gf with the same welcome as ex sil. My ex s'il still is close to my mother as she considers my mum her own mum (her mum passed away when she was young) they call each other every few days if not daily. She is still family to us and probably will remain family for the rest of our lives.

To be honest it depends on why they broke up if there was abuse that would be silly to keep in touch but when a relationship has run its natural course and there is no animosity there is no problem keeping in touch.

Every family is different and this is my experience. My husband has an ex wife (no kids) she is still in touch with my mil and sister in laws. My husband doesn't actively keep contact just Christmas text messages and every so often hope you are well and they have a little catch up over what's app.

I was sad when they broke up (dB and sil) as I thought we were going to be loosing family.. Turns out we didn't completely loose each other and are still very much a little unit.

ivegotthisyeah · 04/12/2018 13:01

I think it's lovely you want to support your brother in law and children. If you can support them and your sister that's all you can do. A lot of families are quick to dump the ones left behind and it's disgusting. To keep things normal for the children is a fantastic attitude and I presume normal is still seeing your their aunty and letting them know yours always there for them and your brother in law Thanks

TheFifthKey · 04/12/2018 13:14

I'm sure my exH feels like our divorce was a "decision taken out of his hands" - yes, the decision to separate was mine and I wasn't really open to any negotiation afterwards, but there were 18 years before that where the cumulative effect of his choices made the decision inevitable. Could I point to one thing? Not at all, but it doesn't mean he had no input into what happened.

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