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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Feels like the end!

26 replies

Lonely4 · 28/11/2018 09:55

Any advice on what to do please? I feel my marriage is coming to an end, I feel constantly anxious with a massive knot in my stomach. Husband has been distant for a while and has told me he isn’t in love with me as I’ve put on weight and haven’t looked after myself! We’ve been together for 27 years and have 2 wonderful boys, he’s all I’ve known since I was 16, what do I do? He won’t talk to me, won’t cuddle me, even tho I’ve just had a major operation! I feel so alone and sad and don’t know what to do! Certainly don’t feel like celebrating Christmas but have to for my boys! Any help/advice, should I see a doc and get some help, counselling? Never thought this would happen to me, we had so many future plans now I feel my world is about the end!

OP posts:

2018anewstart · 28/11/2018 22:51

You should never feel anxious in a marriage. A loving and decent husband should never fall out of love with you because of a change in physical appearance he should love you for the beautiful person you are. If he is concerned for you healthwise he should encourage you by suggesting going for a walk together. If things don't change get out and you can find someone who loves you fr being you.

Original poster

Lonely4 · 28/11/2018 23:26

I was so shocked to be honest I never thought he’d be like that, we’ve grown up together and been best of friends then all of a sudden and change in behaviour and now this! He’s all I know tho and the thought of starting over again scares the hell out of me. Alarm bells should have rung the year he got me fitness dvds, like 5 of them! Which I had never asked for. I have put on some weight but I’m only a 12/14. I do want to lose some weight for my own benefit, it’s put a completely different angle on it now tho. I feel devastated and an emotional wreck. Just need to work out my next steps, so don’t want to upset my wonderful boys.

OP posts:

TweetieFruFru · 29/11/2018 08:54

You are not an object. You have been ill - he should support you not judge you. What’s more, 12/14 is less than the UK average woman, who is a size 16! After 27 years he won’t be as trim or young as he was either. You don’t deserve this OP.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 29/11/2018 09:24

To OP

From numbers you have posted you are around 43 years old. 12/14 at that age sounds good as PP has rightly stated UK average is 16.

Most people gain weight as they age unless they are like my cousin who spends her life in a Gym, starves herself and spends all her money on cosmetic surgery.

Anyone who buys their partner fitness DVD's (unless asked for) is horrible.

Have no idea what your husband look like, but would be prepared to bet that he looks nothing like Brad Pitt. So why should you be expected to an Angelina Jolie?

Original poster

Lonely4 · 29/11/2018 09:40

Thank you for your words of support and you’re right he’s no brad Pitt tho thinks he is! I mentioned a few years back after an argument about leaving and he said not to worry about him they’ll be queuing up for him! So yep he somewhat rates himself but yet can’t see what a horrible person he is turning into or has turned into should I say! I’ve done everything for him (apart from stay slim) kept him in touch with his family, pack for him when he goes on business trips, even if that’s been 4am in the morning and he’d forgotten something, stayed home and raised our boys (tho this is what I wanted also!) helped run our business, social organisor and everything else in between. I just don’t know what made him think that was acceptable to say to me, I’ve wondered a few times if it would just be easier and less painful for me to not be here anymore but my boys I couldn’t do it to them but that’s where he’s made my head be! Argghh I’m so cross, angry and upset! He’s just carrying on as usual it seems!!

OP posts:

TweetieFruFru · 29/11/2018 09:44

Why not just dish up kale and rice cakes for dinner for a few weeks and tell him HE needs to lose a few pounds and go to the gym! See how he likes it. He doesn’t deserve you.

RagingWhoreBag · 29/11/2018 09:53

Do you think there could be someone else? The business trips and talking about women queuing up for him - comparison of you physically to his ideal etc

Might explain why he’s being so cold towards you after your op too - feeling guilty that he’s ‘cheating on’ an OW if he’s nice to you.

I’m sorry if that’s the last thing you want to think about at the moment but it’s important to know what you’re dealing with.

mumto2babyboys · 29/11/2018 10:07

Wow! I am separated and had the same said to me.

I went from a size 8-10 to a 12 and I do watch what I eat but I don't have the time or energy to run everyday anymore and my ex used to suggest I lose weight/have surgery etc to get back into my old clothes. OMG I used to be starving myself literally I would barely eat all week and eat big meals on weekends but that's impossible for me now I am working ft and taking care of v young children and being so sleep deprived.

It's unfair and these men are cruel

Tell him he is ugly and should get a hair transplant. See how he likes it!

Stand up for yourself because no one else will

I had to learn how to from my health visitor, it was when I told her what my ex was saying and she said I have 2 daughters who would love to be as slim as you are now. She told me to stand up for myself and she was right.

My ex was not worth it. I wasted my whole adult life until this year trying to make him happy and he still wasn't happy even though we had everything

Very very difficult getting divorced and learning to be alone/sleep alone/drive everywhere and then back again yourself/lose friends that side with him

Even if you stay with him find your inner strength and tell him it's unacceptable and do not let him get away with treating you like this

Financially you will get the house and he will be the one having to find somewhere to live so make a stand and tell him to get lost

TweetieFruFru · 29/11/2018 10:23

First of all - you are doing brilliantly and do not have a weight problem! I’ve never been a size 12 in my life....would love to be and once managed to be a 14 after starving myself for months and months.

Second. Did he buy a Barbie doll or marry a real woman? People age and anything can happen to them over the years. What if you had a life-changing illness? It doesn’t sound like he’d be much help.

Long ago men married a young bride and accepted she would have children and her body would change. There wasn’t PornHub and some husbands never saw their wives fully undressed. We were not bombarded by photoshopped images and tried to appreciate the person inside not just the wrapping it comes in.

He sounds very shallow and could be having an affair.

Original poster

Lonely4 · 29/11/2018 10:51

Yes an affair has crossed my mind but I have no evidence of such tho he works in London and is away from home for long hours so who knows! I do have to be strong and I now know for sure that if I ever were to get a serious illness and my appearance change he defo wouldn’t cope and I know he sure wouldn’t love me through it.
Although we have a small business together I don’t actually earn any money myself so don’t know where I would stand legally if we were to split. I’ve heard before that I’d get the house but would that just be the case until my boys are 18? I’ve put everything into this relationship I need to make sure I don’t sell myself short. My worry also is that he has access to lawyers and financial advisors if he wanted to I’m sure he could make sure he did alright out of this. As he’s so unhappy at work he now seems resentful that I’m at home albeit running everything and not as tho I sit down watching day time tele all day, I rarely stop, well until my op anyway!

OP posts:

mumto2babyboys · 29/11/2018 11:39

Go see a divorce solicitor without telling him anything. They will give you the best accurate advice

Being married you legally own 50% and usually get awarded 60% or more equity from the family home and you are entitled to live in the family home until then youngest child turns 18 but that isn't the exact deadline. He will have to go to court to arrange division of assets which takes years in some cases

Go get some legal advice and insult him back. Don't let him get away with treating you like this!

It was only once I left my horrible ex that I realised he isn't even good looking and he never was I was just young and I love but

I would never choose him if I was to meet him now. Would you still choose your husband knowing he has no respect for you or your feelings?

It was only because we had been together for years and I had gotten used to him bullying me but he put me down one time too many and he has had to pay for it financially... so will your husband

Usually the wives end up better off financially in a divorce, not if there is no money or assets to divide obviously but in most cases you will be awarded more than he will

Original poster

Lonely4 · 29/11/2018 12:23

It all seems so final speaking like this it scares the hell out of me but I think if I don’t do something soon I will have a breakdown then I’ll be no good for the kids either! Seems such a waste of our time together that it’s come to this. Would I get more if he has had an affair or does it work on the same grounds? Hope the solicitors are discreet, if need to find a good one! Thank you, so hard thinking of what’s ahead of me but maybe I’ll be better out of this, just hope there is a nice man out there somewhere for me would hate to think I’ll be alone for the rest of my life!

OP posts:

mumto2babyboys · 29/11/2018 13:29

No you don't get more for adultery but you can state it as grounds for divorce which is helpful if he turns around and lies to your children later on in the future.

Lots of cheating men do this, lie to their children about why they are divorced and blame their ex wife usually something along the lines of she had pnd or some other lie, so at least you can show the children, he actually did break his marriage vows and it wasn't your fault!

TweetieFruFru · 29/11/2018 13:49

Don’t go rushing out to get another man. Live your own life first.

Original poster

Lonely4 · 29/11/2018 15:27

I’m feeling more and more suspicious of his actions now, his phone never leaves his side for one! Do I confront him ?

OP posts:

MissedTheBoatAgain · 03/12/2018 04:59

No you don't get more for adultery

Correct

you can state it as grounds for divorce

Unless you have proof (catching them in the act) or the other partner puts their hand up and admits their adultery it may be easier to file on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour which can be almost anything. However, if unreasonable behaviour is challenged by the partner then you may be required to provide evidence.

The recent Owens case is a good example. Wife filed on gounds of unreasonable behaviour, but husband disagreed. In the absence of evidence the Supreme Court rejected the Wife's application as correct decision based on correct application of Law. However, the Judgement recorded that judges felt uneasy about the decision.

so at least you can show the children, he actually did break his marriage vows and it wasn't your fault

In the absence of evidence what makes it a certainty the would children believe?

RagingWhoreBag · 03/12/2018 08:45

I wildly confront him yet, if all you have is being glued to his phone. Keep an eye and ear on it, maybe ask to borrow it to look something up on the internet etc and see what his reaction is?

RagingWhoreBag · 03/12/2018 08:46

Wildly?! = Wouldn’t.

JustWingingLifeAsUsual · 03/12/2018 09:00

Sorry but you deserve far better. What a horrible man to say something like that to his own wife!

Original poster

Lonely4 · 03/12/2018 17:37

Ok I’ll keep an eye out I guess that’s the best option. Yes very horrible indeed, i wanted the world to swallow me up when he told me instead of just taking it from him. My insticnt was right that something was wrong and there was me worrying about him! What a waste 😔

OP posts:

MissedTheBoatAgain · 04/12/2018 02:19

To OP

If there is OW involved possible that husband has another phone for that purpose? Think I would be moving on. The statement:

he said not to worry about him they’ll be queuing up for him

is a give away that he is not interested in you at all other than being a house keeper.

Good luck

Itsnotme123 · 05/12/2018 05:56

See a solicitor for a free half hour to see where you stand. He sounds a weak man to me as he should be supporting you after your operation, not critizing you for how you look. Hope you have somewhere to go to so you can get out of this ‘relationship’

Original poster

Lonely4 · 05/12/2018 10:49

Boy it’s tough at the mo with all these thoughts going through my head! I defo need some advice but have nowhere to go and have my boys to think about also. Not close to my family and wouldn’t want to worry my parents, they don’t deal well with stress and we lost my sister a short while ago so all been a very emotional time. I have to sit it out at home and see what happens. Perhaps he’ll come to his senses and just leave us in peace but I can’t see him walking away and letting me have the house! I’ll keep you posted. Thank you

OP posts:

Itsnotme123 · 05/12/2018 19:57

Wishing you all the luck, and keep us posted x

RagingWhoreBag · 05/12/2018 20:13

Oh bless you Lonely, it’s awful being in limbo isn’t it. Once you’re able to make a real break you can start moving on.

I now know for sure that if I ever were to get a serious illness and my appearance change he defo wouldn’t cope and I know he sure wouldn’t love me through it.

This was one of the things that pushed me to end things with my XH - I knew if the shit hit the fan, he wouldn’t be there for me. Having seen how my dad took care of my mum, visiting her everyday for months when she was in hospital, working through the night to make sure he had time to go and see her, being patient and loving throughout her rehabilitation as she recovered from a stroke in her 40s etc - that’s what I want from a relationship - and what we all deserve.

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