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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

STBX is engaged!

66 replies

BrainSurgeon · 27/11/2018 22:34

That’s it really.

We are divorcing - petition submitted mid Oct - but don’t have a decree yet. Separated in January this year.

I know that he proposed to his girlfriend of six months - diamond ring, cost estimates for big wedding in May 2019....

Is it me or is this not on?!?

OP posts:

Original poster

BrainSurgeon · 30/11/2018 07:00

I don't think he will stop paying even though he lives abroad. Have known him for 15 years I don't think he'll do that.

He has a large family here in the UK and we are pretty close, they love DS so unless he wants to lose all the respect and support of his entire family he won't do that.

I hope....

OP posts:

MissedTheBoatAgain · 30/11/2018 07:39

Please don't do what my husband's ex did - she had very unrealistic expectations regarding spousal maintenance, and sacked her first solicitor when they advised her to accept DH's very reasonable proposal in mediation. It ended up going to court, and she got almost exactly what DH had offered in mediation, but she had incurred around £25k in legal costs going to court, meaning that she was significantly worse off than she would have been if she'd just accepted DH's offer in the first place

That's almost an exact replica of my Ex. Only difference is she lost about £35K.

TweetieFruFru · 30/11/2018 07:53

He’s an adulterer and he’s trying to stop full disclosure. I wouldn’t trust him an inch.

Twisique · 30/11/2018 08:54

Follow your solicitors advice and request fill financial disclosure. Break your promise, he broke his.

Go for all of the house, he gets property abroad.

mummmy2017 · 30/11/2018 09:17

Please protect your son.
He deserves his share of the family assets.
This will effect your standard of living. That is far more important in the long run.
So you struggle and his dad buys diamonds!

fluffertothegentry · 30/11/2018 09:26

Yy to full financial disclosure. Also, one Ex's financial situation post divorce becomes clearer you might find the wedding date is cancelled changes, who knows?

bertielab · 30/11/2018 09:32

Full financial disclosure doesn't mean you can't leave certain assets alone but right now protect you and your DC.

They are ALL marital assets.

Why would you fix it at £500 -? Surely it should be linked to income.

You should get 100% of the home -long term security for you and your DC if he is that wealthy. What happens if you can't work or can't get a mortgage.

Don't forget when he is married, new wife gets the lot if something happens to HIM -so you need to be getting as much as possible to protect him (DC)

RightOcciputAnterior · 30/11/2018 09:33

Perhaps you could ask for the house in lieu of spousal maintenance? Try to get as much as you can upfront - a clean break is best if possible. If you agree a deal that includes spousal maintenance, your ex may go back to court to vary the order in a couple of years.

Original poster

BrainSurgeon · 30/11/2018 09:56

MissedTheBoat it's a shame and as I said I don't intend to do that.

I'm working hard and stressing a lot in order to put a reasonable proposal on the table.

Asking for 50/50 house split, maintenance for 2 years plus a spousal allowance (DS living with me full time) of £500/month doesn't sound unreasonable does it?

I would get 25% of his pension and nothing of his savings and investments

OP posts:

RightOcciputAnterior · 30/11/2018 10:19

@brainsurgeon You really do need to take advice. Some of what you're saying suggests you don't understand how divorce financial agreements work. For example, money you get for having DS living with you is child maintenance, not spousal maintenance. Have you used the CMS calculator (available online) to see what you're entitled to in CMS? You may get spousal support as well, of course, depending on the circumstances of the case. To the best of my knowledge, the court only has jurisdiction over child maintenance if your ex earns more than the CMS upper earnings limit - currently around £160k after pension deductions.

Courts like clean break settlements. Given the risk that your ex will challenge any spousal maintenance deal in a couple of years (e.g. if he has children with his new wife, so he claims he can no longer afford spousal maintenance as well as CMS), I really would encourage you to take legal advice with a view to getting as much upfront as you can. In my husband's case, he gave his ex the entire family home (mortgage-free) and 40% of his pension to secure a delayed clean break (he agreed to a few months of a small amount of spousal maintenance under a non-extendable term). That was the best deal for both parties IMO. She used finances as a way to control him and his access to their children, so we were desperate for a clean break; and she got a good deal, because our income has since dropped because DH's business is now doing less well, so we would have applied to vary a longer-term maintenance order because we genuinely couldn't have afforded it now.

Original poster

BrainSurgeon · 30/11/2018 10:39

Thanks ROA I May not be using the perfect legal terminology but I'm getting there.

If anything, this thread showed me that o really do need to see a mediator.

Thanks everyone

OP posts:

Areyouserious9 · 19/02/2019 16:18

@NotbeingRobbed and @Missedtheboatagain - You are 2 of my 4 favourite posters on here!
But really @notbeingrobbed - its not a mums forum, its a PARENTS forum. I find it incredibly useful in my own ongoing battle to hear both male and female perspectives.

NotBeingRobbed · 19/02/2019 16:32

It’s mumsnet.com

Areyouserious9 · 19/02/2019 16:59

Top of the page.
Mumsnet
by Parents for Parents
You could also google search why they called it that. Its NOT JUST FOR MUM'S.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 20/02/2019 01:26

To Areyouserious9

So your Ex has made it a battle? That's how money ends up being wasted in courts. However, courts do have the power to award costs if they think one partner has been obstructive.

SandyY2K · 26/02/2019 22:39

Why would you believe he won't go back on his word regarding child support or any allowance he agrees to give you? Especially as he lives out of the country and can't be pursued for the money.

This man had an affair...his family being here won't phase him. You say you've known him for 15 years... did you know he was going to cheat on you?

It he was sensible...he would give you 100% of the marital house, in the knowledge that you would be entitled to more if there was a full disclosure.

I urge you to listen to your solicitor on this. Perhaps you can tell him your solicitor has advised full disclosure and you know that would mean you get more, however you're happy not to go down that route if you get the marital home. I also agree that a lump sum is better than prolonged support. If you know he can afford a large payment, ask for that instead of 500 a month.

Tell him to discuss it with his solicitor and let you know, so you know how to instruct your solicitor.

He'll know you aren't messing about. He'll also know you've sought advice.

Also discuss with your the possibility of setting up a trust fund for your son as part of the settlement.

You've no idea how things will change in the future.

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