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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

STBX is engaged!

66 replies

BrainSurgeon · 27/11/2018 22:34

That’s it really.

We are divorcing - petition submitted mid Oct - but don’t have a decree yet. Separated in January this year.

I know that he proposed to his girlfriend of six months - diamond ring, cost estimates for big wedding in May 2019....

Is it me or is this not on?!?

OP posts:
Dollyparton3 · 28/11/2018 13:45

It's not on OP, my ex did this although he lied to me about it (no change there then) he started chasing me frantically to push on with paperwork 6 months in advance of the day I found out he got married.

If you want to be a bit petty (no shame in it, I was) you could start sitting on essential bits of paperwork for a few days. Just to raise his blood pressure a bit.

Agree with other posters though, why on earth would you want to get engaged with someone who's still divorcing let alone walk down the aisle whilst the ink on the absolute is still drying.

My ex was on his third wife VERY shortly after I left him. We call him "Ian Beale" now

Original poster
BrainSurgeon · 28/11/2018 19:08

He is hiding money and assets, yes.

I have told him I don’t want any of the assets he had before we were together so he’s keeping all those (properties).

I’m only going to ask for my share of the marital home.
Initially I thought 50/50 but since I will be the sole carer for DS (as STBX lives abroad) I think I should probably ask for 60-66%....
That will compensate for the diamond rings and wedding!

OP posts:
Original poster
BrainSurgeon · 28/11/2018 19:11

The assumption that the fiancée is a parasite probably comes from the fact that she’s very happy to accept diamond rings and is in a hurry to get married so early in the relationship....

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Original poster
BrainSurgeon · 29/11/2018 23:08

I am working on a proposal for financial settlement that massively benefits him because I don't want his money. I decided I don't care how much he spends on the new bird as long as DS and I have what we need.

I'm asking for DS's cost to be split between us in direct proportion to our income. His income is 5-6 times higher than mine so that's fair.

I'm asking for support for my own living costs until my income picks up, and once I can support myself and have a small disposable income, I propose he pays me a fixed allowance of £500 per month.

The marital home split is a tricky one as DS will live with me.
STBX wants to split 50/50 but that doesn't leave me with enough money to buy anything decent.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrainSurgeon · 29/11/2018 23:09

I'm not sure I should be doing this and may well regret it later....

OP posts:
Original poster
BrainSurgeon · 29/11/2018 23:12

I understand that the financial settlement, even if is agreed between parties, still has to be approved by the court....

So I wonder if there could be a scenario where the court decides I'm not getting a fair share and ask him to pay me more?.....

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TweetieFruFru · 29/11/2018 23:26

There is a Mesher order where you can stay in the house until DS is 18 but I think it’s rare.

Child maintenance should be calculated using the calculator at cmoptions.org - it’s not part of the divorce settlement.

Original poster
BrainSurgeon · 29/11/2018 23:29

Oh thanks for that I'll go have a look

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RightOcciputAnterior · 30/11/2018 00:05

Have you taken legal advice, @brainsurgeon? Spousal maintenance certainly still gets awarded in many cases, but it might be helpful for you to know whether the amount and duration you're requesting is realistic. My husband is a high earner, and has 2 young children with his ex-wife, but he still only had to pay her a small amount of spousal maintenance (less than £500/month) for a short, non-extendable term...

Original poster
BrainSurgeon · 30/11/2018 00:20

Is your husband's ex wife working and is she also a high earner?

I wouldn't want an allowance if I had enough money for myself.

However if I am to maintain half the level of comfort / quality of life we used to have when we were together, I will need some support. For DS as much as myself.

I'm hoping STBX will appreciate he is - overall - keeping a lot more than he would if we went for full financial disclosure and legal split of assets

OP posts:
TweetieFruFru · 30/11/2018 00:25

A high-earning wife wouldn’t get maintenance. Parents of children over seven are meant to get work to support themselves.

RightOcciputAnterior · 30/11/2018 00:35

@brainsurgeon She works part-time and earns about a quarter of what he does. I'm afraid that when one household splits into two, both parties will probably have a drop in their standard of living. Please don't do what my husband's ex did - she had very unrealistic expectations regarding spousal maintenance, and sacked her first solicitor when they advised her to accept DH's very reasonable proposal in mediation. It ended up going to court, and she got almost exactly what DH had offered in mediation, but she had incurred around £25k in legal costs going to court, meaning that she was significantly worse off than she would have been if she'd just accepted DH's offer in the first place. Reading your posts about your STBXH and his fiancee, it sounds to me like you're angry and struggling to accept that he has moved on. Don't let that cloud your negotiations.

Original poster
BrainSurgeon · 30/11/2018 00:38

Perhaps I should add that I've given up my career and lost an amazing job and long term benefits in order to follow him in a couple of overseas postings....

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Original poster
BrainSurgeon · 30/11/2018 00:43

I appreciate your advice ROA (funny name btw)

You're right I am still a bit angry. I'm not struggling to accept he moved on as much as it bothers me that he's planning a wedding with a woman he barely knows, before having a Decree Nisi.... it bothers me that's he's rushing into something that could jeopardise my and DS's situation.

I'm definitely planning to work and be self sufficient as soon as possible.
I hate depending on him.

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RightOcciputAnterior · 30/11/2018 00:58

@brainsurgeon Talk to a lawyer. You may have a case for spousal maintenance, but you need to know whether the amount and duration you're asking for is realistic. If you can't agree a financial settlement with your ex either directly or in mediation, it'll end up in court, and you may not get as good a deal as you expect. Furthermore, by the time you end up in court, the co-parenting relationship between you and your ex may well be fairly acrimonious due to the adversarial nature of court, and this in turn may unsettle your child.

Original poster
BrainSurgeon · 30/11/2018 01:03

My solicitor said she can't help me unless we go for full financial disclosure and all assets etc are taken into account - then she can calculate what I would be entitled to.

If I go down that route I would be breaking the promise I made that I won't claim certain things.

Maybe I should try mediation instead, I understand it's more flexible (and cheaper) than actual lawyers?.....

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Original poster
BrainSurgeon · 30/11/2018 01:05

I may sound angry and bitter but I'm not going to let this end up in court and turn into a battle.

I think you're right ROA - it's not worth it.

OP posts:
puddled2 · 30/11/2018 01:08

Just move on

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 30/11/2018 01:15

Both parties have to provide full financial disclosure when any financial order is considered. If the Judge doesn’t think it is fair it probably isn’t. If either of you are unrepresented they will request a hearing at which you would have to attend, so the Judge knows you understand what you’re agreeing to.

Just because full financial disclosure has to be provided doesn’t mean you have to claim a share of everything. It just means everyone can see whether what’s being agreed is reasonable.

helacells · 30/11/2018 01:16

Don't worry it won't last

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 30/11/2018 01:18

Who issued the petition? Some Courts have a massive backlog. You might have only just got Decree Nisi by then. And you have to wait six weeks before applying for the Absolute, which shouldn’t be done until finances are agreed and there’s a sealed Order.

Original poster
BrainSurgeon · 30/11/2018 01:25

I'm very keen to move on.

And I don't care if it lasts or not. If anything, I'd rather he doesn't end up divorcing again... that would definitely not be in our best interest.

If he marries a good woman then fine by me. I could probably get along with her better than with him! (assuming we will have to talk to make arrangements re DS etc)

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Original poster
BrainSurgeon · 30/11/2018 01:27

I issued the petition on grounds of adultery and he acknowledged it so hopefully it's a clear cut

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MooseBeTimeForSnow · 30/11/2018 01:33

You’re holding the cards then :)

mummmy2017 · 30/11/2018 01:58

Sorry but why won't you go for full disclose.
He should bear the costs of your child, and if he moved abroad, could just stop paying.
If so your sons inheritance would be list for ever, are you not better to just take half and that way you have a paid for house.