Almost sure I want to divorce, how do I make up my mind?

[SpringerLink]

How do I make up my mind about divorcing my husband? There is a long history of us having a poor relationship. He really appears to have no concept of what it means to be in an adult relationship in terms of thinking of others and conpromise.

But every time we get to the point where he is going to leave he does just enough to convince me that he really is giving it another go at making things work.

Right now, he is two weeks in to making more of an effort around the house and with the children, but still essentially ignoring me. Part of me wants to give it a bit longer to see if we can at least function as co-parents until the childern are older (they are 5, 7 and 9 - with addtional needs that he struggles with).

But another part of me just wants to be out, and out now. I can't take it any longer... any attempt to talk about it just makes me realise what a selfish man-child he really is. I think he only wants to stay together because it benefits him.

I'm feeling almost paralysed and unable to decide what is the best thing to do.

So as not to drip feed - we are seeing a counsellor. Our counsellor thinks he as autism beased on how he behaves and his total lack of insight into his own behaviour.

I have a long-term health condition that could impact my earning and parenting ability in the future. I am financially not dependent on him at the moment, am the primary carer and have been the primary earner for most of our marriage.

When the children have grown up and left home, can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him?

Absolutely not. I can't imagine a life limited by looking after him and meeting his needs, which would mean missing out on so many things that are important to me.

Maybe I should be rephrasing this as a question of whether I can stay with him in until the children have grown up a bit more and no longer need so mcuh day-to-day looking after.

He sounds very selfish if he isn’t making an effort with you.

Have been in your situation now he is my exh. Life is too short to hope he will chAnge.

I think you need to be unsentimental and practical. What would life look like without him? What could you afford in terms of accommodation and lifestyle? What would the divorce cost?

If you divorced, you'd still have to deal with him and would likely be worse off financially. If I were you, I'd accept the marriage isn't going to last forever but plan carefully as to when you make a formal move to break things up. You could stick it out for a few more years and if possible build up a fund to help with the divorce, costs associated with your health etc.

If you can manage financially and practically now, I wouldn't waste any time about it.

I agree with letsdolunch321 life is too short and your children will be better off with a happy mother than an unhappy one.

I read this the other day: if you could press a button right now and be instantly divorced (so no having to phone lawyers, paperwork etc etc), would you push it?

@Thunder - I don’t know. If I could make DH back into the man I met and fell in love with, I’d do that in a flash.

I feel oddly responsible for him, in a parental kind of way. But I don’t have any respect for him as an adult partner.

I also dislike myself when I’m around him. I’m constantly reminding him to do things, managing the way he is with the children, shouting h at him to get his attention. It’s pretty miserable.

I am financially independent from him. I will deeply resent having to give him half of the equity in my house etc. But I guess that’s the cost of marrying the wrong person.

Are you me? Similar situation, same age kids.

My concerns are that the nature of my work means that I couldn't look after the children without help, or unless I drastically reduced my hours and pay - impacting my ability to fund a single parent life and pay into pension etc.

He would want 50/50 which I don't think is best for the children. They need one home, and a strong relationship with the other parent. But I don't want to be the other parent - I want to provide the main home. Can't see how that could be achieved.

I have been thinking about waiting until they're in secondary school as they'll be more independent. I've also thought about sticking it out til they've left home. But I don't know if I can take another decade or more living life like this.

Another part of me thinks our marriage is so bad that I should just get out and I'll cope somehow. A new normal will emerge. But realistically it's the practicalities that hold me back.

Sorry op, realise that I haven't helped at all in fact I've muddied the waters further! Divorce is a huge life-changing decision affecting the whole family. I've read so many threads where half the people say staying together in a non-abusive relationship is best for the kids, and the other half say it will screw up the kids seeing such poor marriage role-models. What to do. What is right for our individual situations?? I wish you all the very best.

@GetRid you basically wrote what I was going to because as easy as some make out it is it isn't and as many will say I feel better without him, that's not what most the threads on here say.
I'm all for making yourself and dc happier, but also being realistic.
You may move out of the family home but not the family life with him. You still have to communicate for the dc, and that can be a lot worse separate.
They have less concern for you, and then other people get involved. Child care abs sharing the dc time too.
There's to many people how say leave, but it's you who will be living that life.
There is a huge difference from him not doing much and doing nothing as you aren't together and adding court orders etc.
Sorry if I'm the doom, but as long as he's not damaging your health, maybe you such try as you said to co parent in the home and try to cut the emotional side if you choose to leave so it's easier in the long run

What did it for me was....... would you want your children having the same marital relationship with their spouse as your have with yours now?

If the answer is no you have your answer.

Think that was from a book called Good enough to stay...bad enough to leave?

I’ve read the same book, and fromtgat perspective I should leave. I really would not want my children to recreate the marriage I have. Oddly that’s one of the few things DH and I agree on. He wouldn’t want any of our children to have a partner like him either.

I am mostly staying because he’s a bugger to interact with at the best of times, and if he feels agreived or under appreciated then he is a total nightmare. Co-parenting if I left him (the ultimate public insult) would be awful. I’d really struggle.

I am seriously considering taking the kids and running away... (only half joking here)

Oh OP. You know you can’t change him. It sounds like you both know he’s a nightmare too.

I was once where you were...and I was only 25. I had loads of time to play with. Brutally, you don’t...so please waste no more of yourself and your life on him.

It won’t be half as hard as you think, and the feelings of relief, freedom, and joy will be amazing.

wish me luck... I have another marraige guidance session today. I think I'm just going to be utterly honest and say that I am giving up.

I know he won't change because he doesn't want to. He won't appologise because he doesn't actually feel sorry. He won't say thank you because I don't think that he is acutally grateful for anything that I do. And I no longer have the energy to try to solve any of the problems any more.

How it your appointment go yesterday OP?

I was honest. I said I was out of energy to do anything and that I was done with trying to fix things.

I think I’ll probably file for divorce next week, or at least start the process. I did agree to one more week to see if he can achieve a seismic shift in behaviour that would give me some hope. But I made it very clear that changing is his responsibility and that I’m no longer investing my energy in helping.

I’m really shocked by how much he has changed since we met and married. He’s so very different in outlook and values, and isn’t a patch on the person he was.

I actually feel pretty good today. I took the day off work so I’d have time to think (or cry) if I needed to. But so far I’m actually a bit relieved.

Will you file on grounds of unreasonable behaviour? And if so will you bother with a solicitor at that stage? I think I would do that bit myself and save the £500 court fee - if I ever have the guts to go through with it.

Where would he move to if you divorce? And how would you juggle childcare and work?

I can empathise Springer, as I also can’t decide whether to leave my husband or not. It’s an absolute nightmare having a to make a decision which has such far-reaching consequences.

Different situation, as he had an affair, but since then he has genuinely changed and makes time for me & the DC, takes me out and buys me gifts, etc. He’s truly remorseful and will do anything to make it right.

The trouble is I just don’t love him anymore. All his effort just feel suffocating and I can’t forget the way he treated me. I want to leave but financially it will be very difficult and I’ll have to sell the house and potentially change jobs. I look at my young DC, so happy in their home and family, and I don’t know if I can do it to them.

He was a bloody bastard last year but now he’s being a model father & husband and whenever I say I can’t go on he practically begs me to keep trying. It’s such a hard decision. I sometimes wish he had just left me for the OW as then the decision would have been made for me.

Because I have complicated financial issues (my critical illness insurance paid out last year for example) and we have a child with SN, I think I need a lawyer and quite an experienced one.

I don’t know if I want to have a clean start, like a new job, new house etc or if I should keep as much stability as I can.

I don’t know where he’d move to. I’ll manage childcare as I work 50% and have after-school help on my working days.

I’m crazily still holding out some hope that he’ll have an epiphany and realise what he’s going to loose.

I hear what you’re saying about feeling suffocated @Starlight - I think if he was around more I would struggle to appreciate it now.

I feel the same Springer - I could probably fight to keep the house but don’t know if it’s better to sell up and have a clean break and not continue to be financially dependent on him. It’s good that you think you will be ok financially as that is one of the things that stops me.

I thought my H was pretty perfect when we married but over the past few years he has revealed a side to him I didn’t know existed and has changed. He has been more like his old self this past year since it came out about the affair but it still feels like too little, too late.

At the moment I am giving it until the end of the year to see if I feel any differently but if I don’t, I want him to move out.

I think last night was the terminal point. My husband outright said that his work will always come first for him, no matter what the consequences are for me and the children. He’d rather us get divorced than spend more time engaging family life.

Do I guess that’s it. Do I just ask him to leave immediately?

Yes....ask him to make arrangements to leave whilst you feel strong

I’m sorry Springer, that’s awful. If that’s his choice then it’s his loss. As to what next, I have no clue.

We agreed this morning H would move out but I have no idea where or how it’s going to work. He’s already started talking about selling the house but if he presses that I will file for divorce as I’m not going anywhere until the finances are settled.

Hello @SpringerLink and all. Same boat here too. I feel like I'm so boring, keeping on saying to my friends that it's not right but I can't decide whether to end it or not... Summary for me is that DH's moods have long been a problem. About a year ago oldest DC became a target too. We've had lots of counselling. He's much better with the kids. BUT only agreed he was the one who'd been at fault and caused me huge amounts of pain a few weeks ago. Until then it was always my fault or DDs.

I don't trust his change of heart, but he swears it's real. Is it too late? Is it better to stay for the kids??

Sorry - no answers OP. Just understanding it's not simple.

I think there’s a few options here.
Either stay and put up with,
or stay and discuss
or stay and both go to Relate,
or if one of you won’t go to Relate then agree to live your own lives under one roof,
or agree to split up and discuss how you will do this,
or just walk out leaving a note like I did.

All depends on what you feel you can handle really.