Almost sure I want to divorce, how do I make up my mind?

[SpringerLink]

How do I make up my mind about divorcing my husband? There is a long history of us having a poor relationship. He really appears to have no concept of what it means to be in an adult relationship in terms of thinking of others and conpromise.

But every time we get to the point where he is going to leave he does just enough to convince me that he really is giving it another go at making things work.

Right now, he is two weeks in to making more of an effort around the house and with the children, but still essentially ignoring me. Part of me wants to give it a bit longer to see if we can at least function as co-parents until the childern are older (they are 5, 7 and 9 - with addtional needs that he struggles with).

But another part of me just wants to be out, and out now. I can't take it any longer... any attempt to talk about it just makes me realise what a selfish man-child he really is. I think he only wants to stay together because it benefits him.

I'm feeling almost paralysed and unable to decide what is the best thing to do.

So as not to drip feed - we are seeing a counsellor. Our counsellor thinks he as autism beased on how he behaves and his total lack of insight into his own behaviour.

I have a long-term health condition that could impact my earning and parenting ability in the future. I am financially not dependent on him at the moment, am the primary carer and have been the primary earner for most of our marriage.

For god knows what reason, I gave him another chance last night. A chance to get assessed for ADHD and autism, a chance to engage in treatment and/or therapy if he gets a diagnosis, and a chance to actually change.

FFS - what is wrong with me that I keep on putting what he needs and wants before my own needs? I am still seethng with anger that I did this rather than just calling it a day.

Don't be hard on yourself @SpringerLink It's a huge call to make. You have to feel ready. Would it help to have a deadline, even if just in your mind, for something concrete to have happened?

I have. It’s got interim assessment points and everything. He has 3 weeks to get assessed, 1 month to deal with any diagnosis (no underlying reason for his behaviour is immediate divorce) and 3 months to show he can make incremental improvement every week.

I don't think issuing ultimatums around autism diagnosis will help in itself. From family member experience it can take months to get diagnosed and little nhs support is available for adults. Also, autism is part of a person, not something to be overcome by an improvement plan in a short time period.

But I wonder whether you are subconsciously setting impossible tasks to give yourself the justification to call it quits when he fails? Your anger suggests that you don't really want him to meet your demands.

it sounds like you may have made a decision but are having trouble owning it. I sympathise having sat on the fence about my own divorce for years (even during the process of separation). The relief of owning that the decision was done was immense.

I totally own the decision to move on, and if it was just me I would. But I want him to have more insight into himself so he can be a better father.

I’m autistic myself, so I know well that it’s part of who a person is. But it’s also something you can commit to understanding and working around. I have an autistic child too, and experience with him shows just how much of a difference knowing yourself makes.

Interestingly, our marriage therapist who specifically works with couples where autism is an issue thought that 4-5 months was too long a time period and that more frequent and firm deadlines were the only way to effect change.

My experience over the last years of being patient and understanding with his difficulties and awful behaviour have led to further deterioration in our marriage. It’s a last ditch effort.

I appreciate your point that he is who he is. But a big problem is his presumption that I’m always in the wrong because he knows about my diagnosis and he expoilts it to pressure me to behave like a more “normal” wife. He has little insight into his one behaviour and motivations. I hope that a diagnosis would give him the kick in the arse that he isn’t the arbitrator of “normal” behaviour.

He also fits an ADHD profile more than ASD. And ADHD is treatable, much more so than autism. Most adults that start medication for ADHD describe it as transformative.

But I am ready and partly still expecting to file for divorce. Finances are sorted, solicitor chosen and prepared, family are aware and fully supportive.

I’ve already experienced the freedom and liberation of knowing that I was going to do it. It feels amazing. That’s why I’m so cross that he agreed to an assessment because I’ve always said that I owed it to myself and my children to exhaust every avenue for reconciliation first.

I'm sorry, OP, I made unwarranted assumptions. You are clearly coming from a place of much greater experience and knowledge.

Best of luck with your situation.

If you're unsure, wait. Being ready to part is like labour, there'll be no doubt when it's time.