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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Difficult ExH won't leave me alone - 2 years after he left me!

33 replies

Lorry123 · 01/11/2018 12:17

I am at my wits end. ExH left me for OW in a very very ugly way 2 years ago. Since then he has made my life utter hell. We have two DS's and he is rude, abusive, controlling and obstructive in all his communication and although I try my best to ignore, or provide grey rock responses he keeps going.

Last year he took me to court over child custody which was stressful but meant that all our shared arrangements and holidays are now locked into a court order which should mean no further issues right?

Wrong. His latest tirade is because he wants me to swap holidays early next week and although I have made it clear that a) I already have family plans for that half term and b)am following the court order in place he is he is now hassling me through a solicitor telling me as 'I won't change my mind he is considering his options'.

This is about the 6th solicitors letter I have received from him in a month covering subjects ranging from why I didn't tell him the kids had a dentist appointment to why did I sign up my DS for drumming lessons at school without his prior agreement. I am replying to all of them myself but my questions are:

  • is there anything he can do to force me to change my holidays even through we have it all locked into a court order,

  • do I have to keep replying to these nonsense solicitors letters, and

  • is there anything I can do to get him to leave me alone?

OP posts:
RomanyRoots · 01/11/2018 12:22

I'm so sorry for you my love, it must be winding you up so much.
Can you just blank him or block him and ignore.
I'm sure you only have to communicate about pick ups etc. If he has PR it's up to him to get the information from dentints or schools etc.

Perhaps speak to a solicitor yourself and get a letter saying you will communicate about pick up and drop off only.
Don't change your plans, there's no need.

Honeyroar · 01/11/2018 12:24

I'm sorry, he sounds absolutely awful! Could you afford one more solicitor's letter telling him that you are clearly sticking to the terms and conditions set out in court (and if possible telling him to cease the endless letters?) If he isn't happy surely he needs to go back to the court, not attack you?

spectrumzx · 01/11/2018 12:28

Sounds like you need your own solicitor, do you not have one? Do the letters come directly to you? Sounds like harassment. The whole point of a court order is you do NOT discuss such details, as it's ordered and therefore any change (without consent) is a breach.

AdoraBell · 01/11/2018 12:29

What Honeyroar said.

How old are the DC, how long until you can just tell him to fuck right off?

AdoraBell · 01/11/2018 12:31

Also, give/show all text or email communications to a solicitor.

RomanyRoots · 01/11/2018 12:31

Is moving to the other side of the country an option?
My friend had similar and once she'd moved he didn't bother her again and hardly had time to visit the kids, win win for her and her kids.

MissMalice · 01/11/2018 12:33

He cannot force you to change arrangements. He could apply back to the court for a change in arrangements.

You do not have to keep replying to the letters.

I don’t believe you can stop solicitors letters but it might be wise to seek legal advice on this point. You could write to say you feel harrassed and that you won’t be responding to further letters.

I had a similar experience. If nothing else it made me laugh to think how much was being spent on unnecessary letters.

I would, however, consider letting him know about future dental/medical appointments and extra curricular activities. With the activities I’d be very clear that what you choose to do while the children are in your care. Dental and medical care he should be told about.

spectrumzx · 01/11/2018 12:37

Romany, if they have a court ordered contact arrangement, she can't just move miles away. She has a legal obligation to cooperate where contact is concerned. Moving further away just complicates matters.

Lorry123 · 01/11/2018 12:45

Spectrumzx I had two years using a solicitor and paying an absolute fortune replying to these ridiculous letters but I don't want to keep shelling out - it's getting ridiculous! I am more than happy to share any information about the kids with him but he is just so dammed rude I have had to block him on my phone and usual email address - setting one up specifically for him to use that is moderated by very kind family members as his emails are so stressful to read. Me getting a solicitor involved will be like red rag to a bull to him - he will carry on going just to win.

Unfortunately a move away is not possible and I don't want to move. I just want him to leave me the heck alone!!!

OP posts:
RomanyRoots · 01/11/2018 12:57

Have you kept all his communication? Maybe, all put together you have a case of harassment.
You could send a quick text or email each time one of the kids does something.
So Dentist on tuesday, then on tues you send one back, no treatment next appointment xxx Then you don't have to keep telling him when the next appointment is.
keep communication to a minimum and speak in facts.

spectrumzx · 01/11/2018 12:58

In that case you have to grey rock (easier said than done I know). If you are complying with the court and rider and he doesn't like it, then he can take you back to court and he will look like a fool. You need one channel of communication only for contact matters but otherwise block everything else. Twerp (him).

spectrumzx · 01/11/2018 12:59

*Court order, not rider

Unicornandbows · 01/11/2018 13:02

Get a restraining order for harassment

spectrumzx · 01/11/2018 13:03

Agree with you Romany, definitely keep a record of everything in case you need it as evidence.

Lorry123 · 01/11/2018 13:16

Yes I keep everything and actually it was all presented in our court case last year and the judge ruled he was abusive and ruled that he attend the Freedom Domestic Abuse Programme (which is a rubbish online course).

OP posts:
Halloweenallyearround · 01/11/2018 13:17

Don't reply unless it's important first
Off, second send a copy of all the solicitors letters back to him and the solicitor and say this is ridiculous, ( the volume of letter Should show the and any court how pointless they are. ) that you will be sticking to the court order and will ignore any silly requests such as ' consulting about every appointment you make.

Both parents have rights, but you need to explain that you two aren't co-parenting but instead following the court order for the children right now.

In time you maybe able to but right now that's not going to happen unless there's a basic respect on each other's emotions.

I've told my oh not to get in a text battle with his ex ( eg retaliate with negatives) because if she has the ds with her it affects the dc if mums upset or stressed and it's more important than feeling like your right.

theworldistoosmall · 01/11/2018 13:18

Moving away is ridiculous especially as it seems although he is a major pain in the arse to you, there is no concern of his treatment towards the children. Anyone who moves away when there is no abuse to children is a spiteful arsehole imho, and yes I know what it is like to be harassed by an ex to the point that a judge issued a lifetime injunction.

The school stuff, in the letter you write to the solicitor remind them that as a result of PR he can approach the school at any time and ask them directly for information about the children, and you suggest that from this point this is what he does.
Medical stuff, yes, unfortunately, you have to let him know. And as and when appointments pop up to write another letter (I had a template letter and just added dates and times)
Holiday, as previously discussed plans, have been made in accordance with the court order. If your client wishes to make amendments to a court order, then he needs to apply to the court for this.

Let him waste his money on sending ridiculous letters and you sending him back equally ridiculous responses. Every medical thing, send appointment details to the solicitor, same with if he still insists you update him on school stuff. Unless there are really good reasons I cannot see the court amending the holiday he wants to change. And if he keeps going back to court, they will get fed up with him.

In the short term, go back to the solicitors you were dealing with and find out if there's any way legally to get the letters from his side reduced. Part of the harassment I underwent was also done via the solicitor and it was put into the injunction that this had to also stop. With medical and education things, it stipulated what and when I had to send info (I also have a restraining order and he's never known about addresses).

xzcvbnm · 01/11/2018 13:21

He should however stick to the order and you have no obligation to change it for him or reply to his letters. Depends on how well the court order is worded I guess and if anything is open to interpretation or wiggle room.

There is a barring order you can try to bring against spurious court actions if he continually brings cases to court. Look up section 91 (14).

2 sides to every story btw - critical readers should ask themselves why the father needed to start the Child arrangements court process in the first place, and why he is asking for the information he's requesting.

cheeseandpineapple · 01/11/2018 13:21

Take comfort in the fact that he’s paying for every single pointless letter from his solicitor.

If you’re following the court order, hard to see what he can do short of going back to court and making a change. But he would need to justify it.

I would respond to say you’re following the court order he instigated and leave it at that. No need to respond to any other letters.

He sounds like an absolute tosser. So sorry you’re having to deal with this Flowers

shallichangemyname · 01/11/2018 13:23

Carry on replying yourself, you don't need a solicitor.

To answer the original question:
Nothing is set in stone. If there is a good reason to change the arrangements in the order then he is free to ask you to do so (as you are him). You are free to say no (as he is). If it's important and the refusal to change the arrangements is unreasonable, either of you could apply to vary the order in relation to that specific date.

eg. a close family member is getting married and you won't change the weekends around with 6 months notice - this would be seen as unreasonable by you and if he applied you'd lose.
eg. a close family member is getting married and you won't change the arrangements because he's only given you 1 week's notice and you have important plans on that weekend - he'd be seen as unreasonable but court would weigh up what's in DC's best interests, for you to cancel your plans or for DC to miss close relative's wedding.
eg. he wants to swap holiday dates, for understandable reasons - he has a new wife and SDCs and the dates have to suit all of them, the holiday is being taken with other family members who can only go that week etc. If he gives you plenty of notice then, again, his request would be seen as unreasonable. If he gives you very little notice, and you've made other commitments, then he may win or he may lose (depending on the precise circumstances).

You need to make the right "noises" here. Say you agree that a certain amount of flexibility should be expected from both of you, but when plenty of notice can be given then it should be, and neither of you should request or expect changes unless the reason to ask for them is sound, and no last minute changes should be requested unless there is a compelling reason or an emergency. Making last minute requests or demands is counter-productive because it puts am unnecessary strain on your relationship as co-parents and it also undermines the purpose of the order which is that everyone, most of all the DCs, know where they stand.

Unless there's a compelling reason to change, you'd be perfectly reasonable refusing. Explain that had he given notice you'd have considered agreeing, but as it is very little notice has been given (even though he must have known some time ago) and you have made your own arrangements which now cannot be undone.

If the frequency of the letters, and the reasons for them, are getting silly then I think you should also include this:
The order of x date was supposed to impose a regime of contact/residence so that all parties and the DCs knew where they stood and could plan accordingly. It was meant to remove the potential conflict caused by last minute requests/arrangements.
Your client has now instructed you to write to me x times in x weeks/months about relatively minor matters, and in tones which I find confrontational and distressing. This is creating unnecessary conflict and stress. I believe that your client is acting in the manner deliberately and that he is using you as a means of subjecting me to behaviour which amounts to harassment under the Protection from Harassment Act. Please speak to your client and explain that he cannot forever use legal channels to micromanage the time the children spend with each of us and the activities they do. Your client has a channel of communication with me (email) which he should use without relying on solicitors at every turn.

ONLY write this if he really is harassing you, otherwise you end up being the one who looks hostile.

Santaisgettingbusy · 01/11/2018 13:26

I absolutely feel you pain op.
My exh had his solicitor write me a strong letter complaining I had put blinds up at my windows thus preventing him looking (spying) in now!
I kid you not.
Do keep all his correspondence, your dc may wish to look through them at a later date when he blames you for the breakup of your marriage /breakdown of his relationship with the dc.
Which he likely will.
Exh threatened he would show our ds's all our court case.
He never dared.

shallichangemyname · 01/11/2018 13:27

just seen your post about the previous finding - add in reference to this in the letter to his solicitor and ask has he attended the course yet which he was ordered to attend (you may find he hasn't, these things can take months)

shallichangemyname · 01/11/2018 13:28

Santa, that's ridiculous. Write back to the solicitor and tell them if they ever send you such a spurious letter/complaint again you will make a professional complaint about them to the Solicitors Regulation Authority

Longdistance · 01/11/2018 13:34

Let him waste his money. He won’t get anywhere.

If the court order is in place, let him pay to go back to court, he’ll look really stupid, especially if he hasn’t done the freedom program. I’m sure the judge will take a dim view on him especially sending some many petty letters. His solicitor must be rubbing their hands in glee at all the money they’re making out of him.

Let him hang himself 🤷🏼‍♀️

Sicario · 01/11/2018 13:39

This is horrible. I had the same thing. It's a power play/control issue. I wrote to his solicitor saying that I would not enter into any further correspondence. Thereafter I didn't opening anything, putting it back in the postbox marked Return To Sender. Eventually just threw them in the bin. (In your case, would keep them all, unopened as evidence.)

The only thing you would have to address is if you received a court order in the post. Your ex is a vexatious litigant and the courts take a very dim view of this. When my ex realised that he couldn't get to me any more, he declared that he would't be seeing the children any more and that it was all my fault. Stupid arsehole.

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