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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

STBX husband wants to introduce OW to our children [Edited by MNHQ]

43 replies

percy1979 · 30/10/2018 17:34

Husband cheated on me in February, I found out mother’s day. During spring he ignored me and our kids (4 &7) to spend drunken weekends with her, her 8 year old and even her and his family all together. He told me in May they “didn’t have any plans to see each other any more and it was all my fault”. He is controlling, emotional abusive and sends me harassing emails most weeks.

I was pretty sure he was lying - i’m certain she went on a family holiday with him and all his family (who covered up the one night stand) back in July. I’m certain the reason he moved out of his mum’s place is to get somewhere she and her daughter can come and stay. He has moved in the flat NEXT door to his mum, but 50+ miles away from his kids and work.
I know she visits him them, I found her make, tampons etc in the bathroom when I dropped the kids off and he invited me in for a cuppa.

We didn’t tell the kids we were separating until August. He now is hinting that he wants to kids to meet her in 2 weeks time - but hasn’t actually told me that. Instead he is saying that I need to behave sensibly so that he can be open with me. So that I hear things from him first and not the children.

My children have still been processing this info since August. My daughter (7) has only told a couple of very close friends because she is still upset by it.

What can I do? I know I can’t veto his decision. But when I comes to our children surely I should have some input. BTW, both my husband and his whore have admitted to alcoholism, and taking cocaine together.

I cannot stand the idea of him introducing his woman to my children. Like daddy already has a new family with another little girl.

I want to punch both him and his bitch in the face

OP posts:
GRW · 30/10/2018 17:39

Can you stop your children seeing him if you know that he is using cocaine? I would have Safeguarding concerns for OW's child too. Sorry you are going through this.

Original poster
percy1979 · 30/10/2018 17:48

He took it once with her. I have trusted him that he isn’t doing it regularly. Just as I am trusting that he is still going to AA and not drinking. I believed him wasn’t drinking in the summer, I’m not so sure now. We’ve already been to court once because he wanted to take children out of school for a week and in holiday with his family before they even knew we were separating. Cafcass got involved because he threatened to take them even if a judge said no.
I told cafcass I had no current welfare concerns, but their was alcoholism and drug use in the past and I believed husband that this had stopped.

OP posts:
GRW · 30/10/2018 19:20

Sounds like a very difficult situation for you. I don't think you can prevent him from introducing the kids to her if they are spending time with him. It would be best if he waited until the kids have had time to adjust but it doesn't sound like he will listen to you. I hope you have someone you can talk to.

shartsi · 30/10/2018 19:33

She is not a whore. It's your husband that broke his vows to you.

MNHQ
LornaMumsnet · 30/10/2018 19:35

Hi OP,

We're so sorry for what you're going through.
We're going to edit your title - we've had a few reports about it and we don't allow that sort of term. Flowers

theworldistoosmall · 30/10/2018 19:40

It's your ex that you should be fucked off with. There a strong possibility that she didn't know the entire truth and that she still doesn't especially as his family were also involved in covering for him.

The issue of drugs and drink, then you need to go to court.

5Makes9 · 30/10/2018 19:44

You cannot make him parent in the way that you want him to and you’ll drive yourself crazy by trying.

CAFCASS are initially involved in every private law case.

If you have safeguarding concerns, speak to social services or apply to court.

Original poster
percy1979 · 30/10/2018 19:46

The woman in question knew all about me from the get go when they met in a bar. I’ve read her messages to him. “I know I can’t have you but I’m going to take everything I can while I can” etc.
She is a mother of a daughter just 1 year older than me. I’m as disappointed in her as I am in him.

As for the term I used to describe her - what else do you call someone who you spend whole weekends with in a hotel drinking yourselves stupid while you both ignore the existence of your own kids?

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 30/10/2018 19:55

She is not a whore. It's your husband that broke his vows to you.

Screw that, The OP is entitled to think what she likes. I hate this 'the OW is not to blame' bullshit on here. Common decency should have stopped her and it didn't.

Shinesweetfreedom · 30/10/2018 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

theworldistoosmall · 30/10/2018 20:22

I wouldn't call any female that who went away for the weekend assuming that adequate childcare was in place. It's not ignoring a child it's called getting away for a weekend.

He had free will. He could have told her to go and fuck herself. He didn't.

Original poster
percy1979 · 30/10/2018 20:23

He paid for all the hotels, and the alcohol and left me at home with 2 children and no money until I told his mother - Who said he just needed space as an excuse for him being shacked up in a hotel two weekends running with this woman while she dumped her own kid on her grandperents.

OP posts:
Original poster
percy1979 · 30/10/2018 20:26

She was meant to be out for drinks - she stayed out all night letting someone else pay for everything and leaving her kid overnight unplanned. Not good parenting. My husband had to take her home one night to her parents because she was too wasted to get herself home. He stayed the night two and had breakfast with her 8 year old before he told me that our marriage was OCR and 4 months before we told our children he was leaving the family home. They are both despicable people. He is absolutely at fault, but she is a bad human being too.

OP posts:
theworldistoosmall · 30/10/2018 20:26

Again. HE left you in a fucked situation.
It's possible she didn't dump the kids but asked them if they would look after them. Massive difference.

WitchesWeb · 30/10/2018 20:27

with this woman while she dumped her own kid on her grandperents

How do you they know they were 'dumped'. Be mad at your ex and even her to an extent but do not bring her DC into it.

MissMalice · 30/10/2018 20:27

You don’t have to like her.

Original poster
percy1979 · 30/10/2018 20:27

She did dump her daughter - she was too busy snorting cocaine with a group of men she had never met before. I know all this from husband telling me - not assumptions

OP posts:
Original poster
percy1979 · 30/10/2018 20:28

He and her both agreed to meet for one night - and she had childcare for that one night. And then they got drinking stayed in their hotel room unplanned for 2 more nights. Again, he told me this - no assumptions

OP posts:
Original poster
percy1979 · 30/10/2018 20:29

To right - I hate her. And pity her poor child who has such a fucked up home life

OP posts:
WitchesWeb · 30/10/2018 20:30

She did dump her daughter - she was too busy snorting cocaine with a group of men she had never met before. I know all this from husband telling me - not assumptions

So now you are chosing to believe him. Her DC are nothing to do with you. It could have been a pl
anned time with DGP.

Original poster
percy1979 · 30/10/2018 20:31

I’m not here to argue about this woman and how often she ignores her own child to go out on a 48 hour drinking session with married men.

I here to talk about his inappropriate suggestion that our kids meet her.

OP posts:
theworldistoosmall · 30/10/2018 20:34

You are choosing to believe what he is telling you.

But no, there isn't anything you can do to stop them meeting.

MissMalice · 30/10/2018 20:35

And that was already answered. If you have serious concerns, go to court. If you don’t, there’s not much you can do if he won’t listen to you.

WitchesWeb · 30/10/2018 20:35

I here to talk about his inappropriate suggestion that our kids meet her.

You can't stop him.

mulberrybag · 30/10/2018 20:36

Can you all not de-rail the threads every single damn time with your holier than thou attitudes as to what the OW get called in this situation.
Can you not have the tiniest amount of empathy and put yourselves where the OP is ?
Would you really have no anger at the OW at all and wish her well, calling her by her proper title, whilst she knowingly screws your husbands ?
Yeah sure it's ALWAYS the husband that breaks the vows but also it takes a certain type of person to KNOWINGLY sleep with a married man. Can we not recognise this fact and allow posters in need to call the OW whatever they please ?
Start your own threads about this if it bothers you so greatly, or hide the ones that bug you fgs. I doubt that any of you have been in this situation otherwise you'd have a wee bit less keen to stick up for the OW