STBX husband wants to introduce OW to our children [Edited by MNHQ]

[percy1979]

Husband cheated on me in February, I found out mother’s day. During spring he ignored me and our kids (4 &7) to spend drunken weekends with her, her 8 year old and even her and his family all together. He told me in May they “didn’t have any plans to see each other any more and it was all my fault”. He is controlling, emotional abusive and sends me harassing emails most weeks.

I was pretty sure he was lying - i’m certain she went on a family holiday with him and all his family (who covered up the one night stand) back in July. I’m certain the reason he moved out of his mum’s place is to get somewhere she and her daughter can come and stay. He has moved in the flat NEXT door to his mum, but 50+ miles away from his kids and work.
I know she visits him them, I found her make, tampons etc in the bathroom when I dropped the kids off and he invited me in for a cuppa.

We didn’t tell the kids we were separating until August. He now is hinting that he wants to kids to meet her in 2 weeks time - but hasn’t actually told me that. Instead he is saying that I need to behave sensibly so that he can be open with me. So that I hear things from him first and not the children.

My children have still been processing this info since August. My daughter (7) has only told a couple of very close friends because she is still upset by it.

What can I do? I know I can’t veto his decision. But when I comes to our children surely I should have some input. BTW, both my husband and his whore have admitted to alcoholism, and taking cocaine together.

I cannot stand the idea of him introducing his woman to my children. Like daddy already has a new family with another little girl.

I want to punch both him and his bitch in the face

Yeah sure it's ALWAYS the husband that breaks the vows but also it takes a certain type of person to KNOWINGLY sleep with a married man. Can we not recognise this fact and allow posters in need to call the OW whatever they please ?

MNHQ rules. Take it up with them if you don't like it.

It breaks the rules of MN and for good reason. OP can call OW what she likes in the privacy of her own home. I have no sympathy for the OW. I just object to misogynistic terms.

I doubt that any of you have been in this situation otherwise you'd have a wee bit less keen to stick up for the OW

You have absolutely no fucking idea what other posters have been through.

You sound very hurt and angry, which I have no doubt is justifiable. But unfortunately you cannot stop your children from meeting the OW. If you have concerns about ongoing drug/alcohol abuse that would affect the children when they are with him, then talk to your solicitor. Otherwise you really have to let the children have a relationship with their dad and for all of your sakes try and make things as amicable as possible. I get how hard it is to do that, I’ve been there myself.

I didn’t realise it was a mumsnet rule otherwise wouldn’t have used it. But dosn’t stop how I feel about this awful woman.

She was giving my husband tips on how to do divorce before I found out about his affair.
And telling him that the ex she had just split with (also with 2 kids) should have his divorce coming through any day. So this is the second marriage she has broken up in less than 2 years. Pretty impressive work! She split with him before the divorce, but not before loads of cosy family holiday photos of her daughter with him and his kids. This is what I’m worried about - she has form for diving in deep, and then splitting up. Her own marriage broke up before her daughter was 1, so her daughter has not had to get used to that transition unlike my daughter who is absolutely devastated.

OP you cannot stop your husband being a fool and introducing her to your (plural) kids. What you can do is act grown up about it and be aware you have to pick up the pieces when she gets bored with what will be your ex-husband and moves on.

Oh and she has done you a favour in the long term as at least you are rid of a drunken drug taker who has no self control. There are better men out there though you may have deal with your children preferring your future new partner to their own father.

I'm sorry OP. He sounds like a massive cunt and so does she. Their whole 'relationship' is seedy, dirty and nasty and it's not going to end in happily ever after for them. Unfortunately, you aren't going to be able to stop him making the ridiculous decision to introduce your DC to her. Your DC will learn slowly who their father is and he will have to deal with and take responsibility for being so selfish and prioritising his needs above his children's needs. All you can do is disengage from him so that he can't control you any more.

I’m sorry OP. They sound ideally suited .

I’m sorry your husband is a whore. He has moved on and in time I hope you will.

Is it actually MN rules or just 'MN rules'? Either way - ridiculous.

Given that LornaMumsnet posted “Hi OP,

We're so sorry for what you're going through.
We're going to edit your title - we've had a few reports about it and we don't allow that sort of term.” on the first page, I’d say it’s MN rules.

Ah so just the term? I thought it meant blaming the OW. It's been a long day.

It's too soon to introduce his new woman to the children. Tell him to give it a year or so from now and you'll reconsider.

Yanbu, kids aged 4&7, they sound like a pair of fuckwits. You've every reason to be concerned at such young ages.

You have every reason to be concerned, but sadly legally there is nothing you can do. Ideally you would discuss this and he would listen to the fact that the children need time to get used to you being apart before he introduces another relationship. However, he is showing yet again that he is a selfish individual who puts his desires ( to play happy families) above the needs of his children.
I have been where you are including the drugs, but my Ex waited a whole three days to introduce the OW. All you can do is be there to pick up the pieces of your children. They will work out why your relationship ended and eventually judge their Dad. He is choosing that bed and will have to lie in it.

It's too soon to introduce his new woman to the children. Tell him to give it a year or so from now and you'll reconsider.

Whether fair or not. OP legally can't dictate this.

There are two separate issues here.

Re: meeting OW - legally, Dad can introduce them to whoever he wants on his time, as long as there are no safeguarding concerns. Mums don't get to vet every friend or work colleague the kids might see when they're with their Dad. Legally, Dad is an equal parent and has the right to introduce his children to whoever he seems fit. If Mum stops contact just because the children would be seeing OW on their Dad's time, he could go to court, and Mum runs the risk that the resulting Child Arrangements Order won't suit her as well as the current arrangement. That's what happened in my case - my husband's ex didn't want their kids to meet me (we'd been a couple for 7 months at this point) so blocked overnight contact. DH took her to court, and ended up with much more time with the children than he'd originally asked for, plus all kinds of undertakings which stopped his ex from doing and saying unreasonable things.

If OP has safeguarding concerns, then that might be a reason to limit or supervise contact - OP needs to take real-life advice on the specific facts of the case. The fact that OW is an OW is no grounds to limit contact by itself, however.