Can I have your separation/divorce success stories please?

[StewPots]

I separated from my STBEXH nearly 4 months ago, thanks to his selfish attitude and also the fact that in all our years together he's been inappropriately texting lots of different women year in year out. He works away a lot too so obviously the suspicion is there he probably physically cheated a lot too.

Anyway. It's done and it's over - there's no going back, even though these last few months have been the hardest of my life. Had almost a breakdown of sorts and I still have a lot to worry about - 2 DC, bills etc. In the time we've split I've not had a penny off him for the kids and he's been basically a massive wanker.

So I'm meeting with a solicitor on Thursday to see about next steps etc and starting the divorce process. What I would like from you lovely MNetters is your stories of wanker exes and how you found happiness after the storm - whether that be finding love with someone else, or being happy in your own company.

I need a positive lift and to keep me going - I know I deserve better, I know I am worth more so positive stories are welcome to give me hope!

TIA

Fight tooth and nail for everything you’re entitled to. I was told by everyone 70/30 split. No way. Insisted on 100% of the house which is to be split between the children when it’s finally sold. Got 50% of his total pension too none of this from the date we married nonsense.
Honestly dig your heels ... I will bet my bottom dollar he will be far keener to get divorced than you are when the new fool turns up.

If he can’t be relied upon for child support which none of them can - you must do well in the division of assets

I'm 7 months into the process. I disagree with ClaireAngelaReid . Money/property cause the bitterness. Make sure you get what you need to manage, also make sure he's not completely screwed. It'll affect your ongoing relationship, and his relationship with the kids. Neither of you should end up with everything. Until recently I had joined in with his bitterness and resentment. DS reminded me (unintentionally) that he needs his dad to be ok. I can't control how my ex behaves or what he thinks but I can control my own behaviour. Since I have acknowledged to myself ex H has needs, my own approach to the process had been fairer, my mental health and wellbeing has improved dramatically. I can relax and enjoy my own company now that my thought aren't completely taken up with finances. It's not a competition to see who gets most. Ultimately your kids will remember the acrimony, they'll also remember and benefit if you handle it sensitively. Having said all that, dont be a pushover, be reasonable. Get some legal advice to make sure it's fair. Good luck.

Unfortunately I began very fair and reasonable - it got me nowhere and that’s very often the case, given you will be the bad guy anyway just by wanting what you’re legally entitled to you may as well nail the bastard

Whatever helps your mental health and emotional well being.

To OP

Maybe first thing you need to do is apply to CMS for Child Maintenance. It may take a few weeks to sort out, but can be back dated to the date of your application. As for the 4 months already gone by unlikely that CMS will make an assessment for that period. So you need to apply ASAP.

Try and settle amicably if you can as if you involve Courts the costs can spiral out of control and will be subtracted from the assets before any split is made.

In my case Ex Wife turned the Divorce into a contest and 35K was spent on Legal fees. Outcome was that she had to take out a mortgage to house herself. Could have bought a house outright if courts had not been involved.

If your Ex is obstructive then Courts may be the only option? That being the case then truthfulness when completing Form E is essential. In my case Judge soon concluded that Ex was lying as had not disclosed any bank statements even though told to do so 9 months earlier.

Courts have the Power to award costs to either Party if they think the other has been obstructive.

I didn’t spend a penny on a lawyer you don’t need one, it’s all available on the internet. If it starts turning tricky get to court ASAP, just don’t bring the solicitors

Based on Scots law. I'm not a lawyer. But have researched it.

1. Courts don't care why the marriage ended.

1. If the marriage is less than 5 years and you can prove what you brought to the table before marriage then you can claim that back as part of the division. Because it was not earned as a result or during the marriage.

1. It is true that 50/50 applies to ONLY what was earned during marriage. Not before unless the house was bought specifically as a family home. This includes pensions.

1. If custody is equally shared then there are no Maintance payments. Otherwise contact the CSA. Typically £500/month per child.

1. Any asset that was converted during marriage becomes marital property. Eg sold a painting you owned before to buy a family car/house.

Hope this helps.

Claire Reid is wrong.

You only claim 50% of what was earned during marriage. Ie start to end.

Certainly the case in Scots law.

I’m not in Scotland and there was nothing in the OP to suggest she is either .... but you can claim whatever you like wherever you are. Whether you get it or not depends how hard you’re prepared to fight

You will get thru this & life will be better. I found a new love 6 weeks after my X walked out (still with him 5 1/2 years later.) My divorce was straightforward, financial settlement not. (Took 4 years). I agree with Claire in the sense that it is important to stand your ground & get your fair share. This can be hard, but try to avoid feeling “undeserving”. My X was such a dick about the financial settlement, that I dug my heels in til he finally settled, but, boy, did he waste money on lawyers!
Speaking of which, if there is a lot of money involved or your STBXH is a jerk, a lawyer is a good idea. DIY is for simple, no contest divorces. I used a lawyer, but I eventually switched to a Makenzie Friend, which was very good value. I did most of the leg work & admin, but MF held my hand & reviewed docs.
Ultimately it is critically important to get a Consent Order. This is where the judge sets down all the terms of the split, & neither party can come back later. Good luck -You Will Survive. (Think Gloria Gaynor)

It has nothing to do with how prepared you are "to fight".

It's a simple matter of law and precedent.

My advice is to be amicable as far as reasonably practicable.

No amount of online advice will trump a lawyer and even in court a judges decision can vary hugely depending on proof.

My advice would not be financial, there was nothing to fight over as my exh was terrible with money, and anything of material value I let him take as I just wanted him out of our (HA rented) home.
He thought I'd stay with him despite my unhappiness because I wouldn't be able to live on my meagre salary. He didn't know me at all.

3 years later and I'm living on a shoestring but happier than I'd ever imagined. I have refurbished my home using free/secondhand/upcycled/eBay stuff which looks way better than before! And I've met the loveliest man who doesn't care about what I have and just loves me for who I am.

Focus on your happiness and peace of mind. Nothing else will matter as much in the end.

Whether you get it or not depends how hard you’re prepared to fight

Settlements are based on two things:

1. What assets are available.

1. The NEEDS of both Parties.

Courts will not make an order that plunges one partner into poverty so that the other partner can continue with their life as though there had been no divorce.

MissedTheBoatAgain - oh yes they will and it’s usyally the woman with the children that ends up in poverty.

oh yes they will and it’s usyally the woman with the children that ends up in poverty

Can't believe that to be true. Can you quote any known cases? Or is it an opinion based on experience or what you have heard from other moaning ex wives who think that the Law should be biased towards women?

Certainly did not happen in my case.

The law should be biased to protecting the children’s lives that shouldn’t be affected at all.

Luckily I don’t have long term personal experience and neither do my friends as we fought tooth and nail to make sure it didn’t happen to us, but in the short term I can draw upon serval of us made homeless with children due to relationships breaking down, no doubt shelters website has the exact figures.

Keep the moral upper hand as far as possible. Know that the children's needs will change over time. What works at 2 won't at 5. And what works at 5 won't work at 15. Don't forget your own needs in it all. Eventually you may want to have another partner and that needs to be possible.

Get a legal agreement re the kids. So it's as binding as possible. Get good legal advice so you know where you stand. Preferably see several lawyers cos they are not all equal.

6 years on I met someone. We are now married very happily. Step family dynamics are complicated though!!

Saying that though, that’s not the courts work, it’s the ex’s work.
Hence avoid court where possible to keep the expense down, but dig in and fight for the family home and pension is my advice. If your determined you’ll get what you want.

If your determined you’ll get what you want

More nonsense. Court make orders based on NEEDS not WANTS.

What people (mostly ex wives) need to remember is that both partners have needs after Divorce. Both need; somewhere to live, something to eat, something to wear, etc.

If one partner gets 100% of everything what is the other partner meant to do? Live under a bush and look through rubbish bins for something to eat and thrown away clothes. ie live like a homeless person on the streets?

You seem very argumentative- probably why your ex wife got rid of you. Tbh as long as my children were unaffected I couldn’t have cared less if he’d lived under a bush or as he caused me and the kids to - live in a council B & B .... luckily he’s got his claws into the next woman who got her house in the divorce and he’s moved in there, seems to be how the pattern goes for most men

Given that whoever doesn’t have the children is in a far better position to improve their situation both in terms of work and shacking up with someone else (mainly ex husbands) don’t appear to be generally going through bins, more going through tarts and exotic holidays

Claire, you sound like you are fond of a fight. Being determined is not enough to win arguments that opinion just sounds daft. But certainly my toddlers would have related to it.

OP, the advice about being balanced is good. Thing about the long game for all of you.

Any lawyers on here, is there a public record of divorces/ settlements that OP could research?

Well, I think the moral of this thread is 'try not to let your divorce ruin your life by making you bitter and angry'. Take some pleasure from your freedom.

I remarried after an acrimonious divorce after 18 years of marriage, and so did xdh. We are both very happy with our new partners - I am much happier with mine, and XDH is a much nicer person with his.

It wasn't plain sailing - he is a controlling man, and controlled me by doing everything horribly slowly, but I chose to play the long game and over time things settled and we got there. A very wise friend told me 'don't make quick decisions, everyone in a divorce is mad and irrational for months and months, let things settle a bit first'.

It’s not a case of being fond of a fight, I disagree it’s not enough to be determined generally who ever backs down looses, that’s my experience. I met fair more bitter people who can’t see they’ve not “giving it away” to the other person but are doing the right thing for their children, if you can convert the other party to that way of thinking job done. Or in my case offer them the house and pension but they have the children full time. I bet they decline that offer due to them not being stupid

Be polite. Be kind. Remember that at some stage you loved that person and chose to have children with them. Your children didn’t ask for this. Take the moral high ground. Don’t get drawn into slanging matches. Don’t expect families/friends to be neutral.

Aim to be happy at the end.