Can I have your separation/divorce success stories please?

[StewPots]

I separated from my STBEXH nearly 4 months ago, thanks to his selfish attitude and also the fact that in all our years together he's been inappropriately texting lots of different women year in year out. He works away a lot too so obviously the suspicion is there he probably physically cheated a lot too.

Anyway. It's done and it's over - there's no going back, even though these last few months have been the hardest of my life. Had almost a breakdown of sorts and I still have a lot to worry about - 2 DC, bills etc. In the time we've split I've not had a penny off him for the kids and he's been basically a massive wanker.

So I'm meeting with a solicitor on Thursday to see about next steps etc and starting the divorce process. What I would like from you lovely MNetters is your stories of wanker exes and how you found happiness after the storm - whether that be finding love with someone else, or being happy in your own company.

I need a positive lift and to keep me going - I know I deserve better, I know I am worth more so positive stories are welcome to give me hope!

TIA

Tbh as long as my children were unaffected I couldn’t have cared less if he’d lived under a bush or as he caused me and the kids to - live in a council B & B

But the Courts do care as the Law applies equally to all remember.

probably why your ex wife got rid of you

I divorced Ex wife. She was the applicant for the Financial Settlement. She too thought that as the Divorce was not her idea she was entitled to everything and her life and that of child's should in no way be different to before Divorce.

Courts did not agree and she jumped from one solicitor to another hoping they could get the Judges to rule in her favour. By time the Final Hearing took place there were three cost orders in my favour and ex was on to solicitor No. 4.

Judge asked to explain her application for Joint Lives Maintenance and the figures she had estimated to be the minimum she needed to live on (which exceeded 4K per month) and why she should retain all three properties I had bought (2 before the marriage and 1 after) plus have claim to my parents property. She blurted out:

"Divorce was not my idea. It was his. Why should I be worse off after a Divorce I did not want?"

As Judge pointed out settlements are based on NEEDS. Revenge, anger, greed do not enter the equation. Reason for the Divorce (Unreasonable behaviour in my case) has no bearing on the settlement whatsoever.

Ex ended with a settlement much lower than I had offered 2 years earlier. Made me laugh that her greed has made her worse off. However, she was warned many times by myself and others that the more that was spent on Legal the less there would be at the end for anyone.

Well the lesson there is don’t bother with the courts, sort it out yourselves which as I’ve also stated in other threads is what I did. Wrote out what I wanted, what was best for the children and refused to entertain anything else. And got it. Didn’t need to pay anyone

Well, I think the moral of this thread is 'try not to let your divorce ruin your life by making you bitter and angry'. Take some pleasure from your freedom

Best post yet. My Ex has not moved on and still trying to use child as weapon.

The problem with settlements being based on needs is that as a general rule, mothers are left more exposed financially. For example, my ex earns more than me, has walked away from his family and as my DC are 18 +, he doesnt "need" to pay anything for them.he has rented a luxury one bed flat, spends loads on OW, gets to do Disney dad with kids.....meanwhile I am left wondering how I am going to afford a 3 bed house.on my own so DC have somewhere to live, paying all their costs and generally having very little for myself.

DC both at college and have minimum wage part time jobs but by the time they've paid transport costs etc, they have very little left so can't really help me out. So now they are taking out student loans while their father wines and dines his new woman. Fairness does just not come into it.

To SaltandVinegar

Once children are over 18 they are in eyes of Law adults and responsible for their own decisions including whether or not to go to college.

As you are now a single mother you do not need a 3 bedroom house. So why do you not downsize if 3 bedroom is too expensive to run?

Fairness does just not come into it

Oh yes it does. Once children are over 18 they are not entitled to be kept by their parents.

I went to Uni at age 18. Had to get by on grants and working over the long summers. When I lived at home during the summers I paid my Mother money towards my keep.

Salt and vinegar. I completely understand where you are coming from. 18 years old studying and in zero contact hours jobs do not earn much and there what they contribute to a house is pittance. Suggest to your ex that the kids live with him. This will allow you to downsize and have some £. Of course this isn’t going to happen as your ex has already made that decision by living in a small flat.

I don’t remember when they looked lovingly into your eyes and said let’s make a baby saying until it’s 18 then we’ll boot it out the door and you’ll have to move into a smaller house than you live in as a single girl (3 bedrooms is hardly outrageous), god they make me laugh. Well sick.

At age 18 people become adults responsible for their own actions. My ex tried to use her 22 year old daughter as weapon to try and push up the settlement figure. Judge made it clear that over 18’s are irrelevant when assessing settlements as they are no longer dependent children.

It’s the Law so; get over it, live with it and get a job (ref the “get a job” ruling made in 2015) instead of trying to leach off ex partners.

I don't think you can aim for amicable with someone who has already failed to pay any maintenance for 4 months. I do think it's best to keep open hostility under wraps as much as possible. I think the main thing to focus on is how much better your life will be when he's not in it. Keep an eye on the future because one way or another this will all get resolved and you will be free of him.

I went to Uni at age 18. Had to get by on grants and working over the long summers. When I lived at home during the summers I paid my Mother money towards my keep. < there are no grants now. Only on MN are 18 year olds adults now and need to be kicked out. Other more civilised countries make provision for children until they complete undergraduate study. We have really shafted our young people.

Realistically 18+ year olds in ft education are likely to need ongoing financial support. In my opinion those men who spend loads on impressing the new woman rather than supporting their offspring are scum.

My stepdaughter attended university from 2013 to 2017 and received £3,500 per year grant towards living costs. Have they been phased out now?

are you sure it wasn’t a loan not a grant? A loan which will be taken out of future earnings.

What country was this in?

How was your SD able to fully support herself on 3,500 per year? I’d love to know where you can study and pay your rent , bill, food, travel, etc on 67 pounds a week .

Stepdaughter worked at local shopping mall at weekend during term time and worked during the long summer breaks as well.

She said it was a maintenance grant and providers made assessment based it on the household income .

It’s not a grant - it’s a loan - step daughter may be in for a shock when the total amount she owes is calculated for her at the end. But. Going to uni is a choice - one I’m pretty sure had you stayed with the mother you would have encouraged and supported.

Basically the kids don’t get to be all they should have been if the parents split up. All that love and support just goes out the friggin window doesn’t it. Then other people who are almost resentful the poor things exist come along. It all seems to end up a right bloody mess

University students don’t get grants they are all loans (even if called maintance grant it is a loan).

When I divorced my solicitor put a provision in the financial statement that he would continue to support them at university ie instead of paying me the CM it would go direct to my kids. My ex refused to sign it and said they will have to get jobs. Yet if we had stayed together we would have financially supported them together. He now doesn’t see it as his responsibility. Yet legally a child can take their parents to court to get them to financially support them at university.

Yet legally a child can take their parents to court to get them to financially support them at university

Which case Law was that? Seems odd that an Adult who is responsible for their own decisions can force their parents to pay?

I’ve not come across that before - would be great if it’s a possibility however I wonder how much it would cost to get them into court. My ex spent £60,000 in legal fees to avoid paying £9,000 in school fees, that’s the level we are often dealing with in these cases.

The issue is the government is evaluating the income of the parents which affects the finances of these “adults”. The law cannot say trey are financially responsible adults and get factor both parents income into the decision making process and yet that’s exactly what they do do.

As I see it the problem is those who need the financial assistance from the other parent most are those least likely to get it. The number of young women I’ve met who’ve been told by the other party no point in me paying you child support it’ll just get taken off your benefits is astounding.

More factual information needs to be readily available- the CSA are helpful - assuming the phone is ever picked up to them, the benefits agency need to do this as standard operating procedure it would lift more children out of poverty.

My ex spent £60,000 in legal fees to avoid paying £9,000 in school fees

Assuming £9,000 is per year, £60,000 is almost 7 years of fees! So it went to Legal instead of children. A plonkers decision.

My Ex did the same. Burned a fortune in Legal fees hoping the Courts would make an award based on sympathy as opposed to NEEDS.