How to set boundaries

[Chamomiletea]

Hi folks - it’s been years since I was on here.

After about 6 years of being treated like a second class citizen (weight criticisims, refusal to help me if I’m sick etc) I have asked my partner if we can have a break.

He has not taken it well and has said things like “you have ruined the family” “ I changed for you” - yes things were better after I had a panic attack but it feels too little too late

The kicker is things like “I’m crying at work, I have to quit my job, I’m the lowest I have ever been” and suicidal tendencies - which I don’t think he will act on but it is still a fear.

I am being sent soo many messages like this.

It’s hard because I am the cause of this pain, he had changed and was making an effort, I’m just too hurt.

I have suggested he see a doctor to which he told me to fuck off and I told him I am not the one to be coaching him through this..

I’m seriously worried he is going to lose his job.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

My ex convinced me for two years that I was hallucinating his attempts at relationships with other women, and it forced me into therapy. When I saw the light and realised he wanted me for my cash - I set him an ultimatum of no more lies. The alcoholic compulsive liar couldn't manage a day. I had threats of prosecution, suicide, he told me he was self harming, and he had been depressed for year, I was driving him to want to kill himself etc etc… its almost 12 weeks since I kicked him out. He hasn't done anything silly to himself other than wallow and feel sorry for himself which he deserves to given what he has thrown away. I also apparently "made" him go out looking for other women's attention going right back to when our son was a few weeks old and I gave him too much attention. I've realised some people are just programmed to blame others. He never accepted his part in anything, everything was always someone else's fault. My daughter has been suicidal in the past, she suffers badly with depression and anxiety and at the times when she did self harm and want to hurt herself, the last thing she did was shout about it. After he moved out I got calls from his work saying they were worried about him - yet he'd given them my number and insisted they call me. It was all about control. You aren't the cause of the pain - my counsellor has told me that you have to forgive yourself for not being able to forgive the unforgiveable. Bit of a mouthful but hopefully makes sense! When someone's run you down that much, sometimes there is no coming back and you aren't at fault for not being able to forgive the things someone else does if they are totally unacceptable to you x

He's being abusive, really, he is. Non of this is your fault, and you can't change him. He has to change himself and that is his responsibility.

You are not the cause of his pain. When has he ever cared about the pain he has caused you?

The freedom programme may be useful for you - I did it, and it helped me to recognise all the behaviours that were a part of my relationship.

This is a good thread with lots of really useful supportive information on it. Sounds like a very similar situation. Good luck OP

I am in a similar situation. I can’t help you with any advice unfortunately, but feel better that I am not the only one out there . I told my husband that I want a separation and he totally freaked out, threatened his own life, job and blamed me for throwing everything away.
We have been married for almost 10 years and all I can say is, that our relationship is based on lies. May it be financially, other women or just little lies because he wanted to avoid uncomfortable conversations.
There were so many efforts to try again and we talked our problems over and over . For a while it seemed to work but he fell back into old habits.
We have two young children and if it wasn’t for them I would have left him a while ago.
Right know we are stuck but because I want out of the relationship and he doesn’t . He says he can only live with me and nobody else.
He works a lot and when he comes home he is moody and blames me for not being physical with him.
I don’t know how to handle his behaviour, since I am dealing with my own feelings right now.
Even I don’t want to be physical with him doesn’t mean that I don’t have feelings. All those ten years together are breaking apart right now . But I know that I have to finally step up and change something instead of staying in a unhealthy marriage .
I would like to try couple Therapie , because I feel totally overwhelmed with my feelings right now and don’t know what to do or what is right.

The best advice I was given was to read about abusive relationships. Womansaid is a good start.

He wont do anything.

He's trying to control and blame - this is abuse.

He's unlikely to change.

The relief I feel, now I'm not stuck.
I completely understand how hard it is after so many years, so many attempts, kids together.

I feel no joy in the breakdown of my marriage.
But I'm so uplighted and relieved, it's incredible